Acquaintance (not even a friend) expecting people to cater at her event

[Hellokitty82]

What do people think about this

So a Mum at school (not even a close friend a Mum of my child's classmate) has set up a group and invited a load of us to "her 40th birthday party"

She's hired a village hall 15 miles from our village (as she said it's a lovely hall)

There will be a disco (her brother in law is a DJ) and a mobile Bar

All ok so far except for driving 15 miles!!

Then she's put on Facebook a list of party food and asked people what they will be bringing???? Wtf

I've NEVER gone to a party and been asked to cater for it and when it's been any of our party's I always fully cater myself.

She's not exactly skint either - her and her partner/husband have a big house, 2 nice cars and a holiday house so my first impression is she is taking the piss

Lots of talk at the school gates people saying it's out of order and they're not going I'm inclined to do the same - I barely know the woman (only to say hello too)

What do people think?

There are different reasons for bringing along a plate of food, which IMO are acceptable, ie someone has offered to host a birthday party for a mutual friend / New Years Eve / a community event such as a safari supper, so the whole group brings along a plate of something thus ensuring the onus isn’t on the host/hostess who is very kindly hosting the gathering for the benefit of others in his/her home. This also applies to surprise parties where the recipient is unaware of the event but turns up to find that everyone has pitched in. Family gatherings such as anniversaries for parents, Christmas dinner etc can also apply to this, where the plan is hatched between several and everyone joins in.

However IMO for an event which is organised by the host for the benefit of himself, such as a wedding or birthday party, it is cheeky fuckery to expect everyone else to pick up the bill.

@LemonPrism 15 miles in a taxi each way is a lot of money... Here its £45 for 13 miles one way and I don't live in an especially expensive area

Where do you all live where this is normal? Because it’s certainly not where I’m from (West Midlands), if you host a party you cater it, you don’t invite people to your birthday party in a hall with a DJ and expect them to bring their own food, it’s cheap and rude.

I’ve never heard of the term pot luck either, we do something like that at work for Christmas and people’s birthdays, but I’ve never been invited to a private party where I’ve been expected to bring food. So no idea where all these posters live where this is “very common” and “perfectly normal”.

The OP is quite clear that the party-giver is definitely not a friend, she is an acquaintance via their children's school that she just says 'hello' to.
Pot luck suppers, parties, barbecues, in the UK at least, tend to be held with friends, neighbours and family.
For an important occasion like at big birthday it's not really that usual to either invite people you just say hello to at the school gate and also expect them to bring specific food, and, oh, a cash present would be nice too.

@notacooldad lots of us don't have £20 to spare. I'd be saying the same thing as OP and I'm anything but a snob and actually quite dirt f-ing poor, so my hopes of having a nice fun night out are entirely limited by the distance as I don't drive, and the need to buy food when I've got to feed children at home, pay for a babysitter etc.

Calling people "snobby bitches" doesn't make you sound any better than OP, just makes you sound nasty. You don't know the financial situation of the mums at the school gates or who can afford to buy add-ons, however small, to their shopping list.

Even without the weird food situation, there's no chance I'd travel 15 miles to go to the party of someone I barely know.

Would not bother me ,I’d just prepare food I liked (we are vegan ) so I’d be happy ,and as I’m never at the school gates ( no suitable school for my sen kids) I’d be thrilled to be invited somewhere ( anywhere)

Where do you all live where this is normal? Because it’s certainly not where I’m from (West Midlands), if you host a party you cater it, you don’t invite people to your birthday party in a hall with a DJ and expect them to bring their own food, it’s cheap and rude.

^This

@SoupDragon the OP can talk about whatever she wants. Doesn’t make her a gossip.

I can just imagine all the parents at the school gate whispering and gossiping about it. Why are people so mean and nasty?

It is normal here to do this, people will take a dish of something to a party rather than a bottle. I have had parties where I have laid on food and booze, but also said to people that if they do want to bring something, bring something for the communal table, but it doesn’t matter if they don’t. So some people will bring a bottle, some will bring some salad etc, others will come empty handed, all fine.

About mentioning the Euros as a possible present - there are regularly posts where someone has asked for no presents or something small (recent one where a wedding couple had asked for a scratchcard) and there is much handwringing and suggestions of what to buy anyway.

I guarantee if the acquaintance had asked for a donation of food only then there would have been a lot of BUT WE HAVE TO GIVE SOMETHING during the gossip at the school gates.

the OP can talk about whatever she wants. Doesn’t make her a gossip.

Yes it does. What do you think gossip means exactly...?

Accept or decline the invite, whatever you choose, but gossiping and posting extracts on here so that you and other posters can mock the invitation is pretty unplesant behaviour, in my opinion.

notacooldad lots of us don't have £20 to spare. I'd be saying the same thing as OP and I'm anything but a snob and actually quite dirt f-ing poor, so my hopes of having a nice fun night out are entirely limited by the distance as I don't drive, and the need to buy food when I've got to feed children at home, pay for a babysitter etc so if it was a regular party what would you do. Turn up empty handed? If you was going to a party you would still need a baby sitter and presents.
If you were going on a night out most people would spend this or more on a meal for two or a gig.

Of course some people havent got £20 to spare. I havent thus month. That's why I'm not going out. If I was going to a party it would cost more than that by the time I've bought a present and wrapping paper

As for the transport, sure it's a pain but I dont see those that want to go dont just hire a 15 seater minibus or something to bring the costs right down.
I think people are too busy looking for obstacles or finding complaint with things than to look for the positives.
Personally I think a crowd of oeole that you know, a bit if music and something to eat could be a fun night but if its not your bag, fine!

Calling people "snobby bitches" doesn't make you sound any better than OP, just makes you sound nasty. You don't know the financial situation of the mums at the school gates or who can afford to buy add-ons, however small, to their shopping list.
I'm calling them snobby bitches because they are going in about ' bad etiquette ' and complaining as if the world is going to stop spinning because it is something different! So the woman has suggested a pot luck/ Jacob's join/ whatever. Sounds like everyone just wants free food and a free night out.

“Sounds like everyone just wants free food and a free night out”

That’s generally what happens when you’re invited to someone’s birthday party, excluding alcoholic drinks that is. You certainly don’t expect to be providing catering for someone else’s birthday party, not where I’m from anyway.

The OP is quite clear that the party-giver is definitely not a friend, she is an acquaintance via their children's school that she just says 'hello' to
So the kids know each other, presumably they will be there to. And what a nice way to make new friends. I'm guessing the mum is going to around for a while if the kids are at school together. I am close friends with a mum that I met 19 years ago at a party, I think it was a BBQ. I wouldn't have normally spoken to her.

Pot luck suppers, parties, barbecues, in the UK at least, tend to be held with friends, neighbours and family
For an important occasion like at big birthday it's not really that usual to either invite people you just say hello to at the school gate I think they are becoming more popular and they are a good way to bring oeople together.

and also expect them to bring specific food, and, oh, a cash present would be nice too.
Specific food is a great idea! Bring what you want to eat, make it as cheap or fancy as you want and it stops duplicates.
As for cash, much better and sometimes cheaper and easier than buying for someone you dont know well. At least it's something useful and wont be regifted!

Potluck parties are SO common here in Norway and my British soul hates them! I can just about cope if I'm told exactly what to bring - that sits better than being expected to guess what the party will need, but I still resent it a lot.

Mind you, I'll either suck it up and go if it's a good friend, or I just decline politely and don't make my feelings known.

It's a common thing here, everyone takes a plate of something. Great idea , really not seeing the problem? If you don't want to participate don't go?

Quite normal where I live in the UK and personally I find quite fun too, it can take away the onus of buying a pressie, and what you have made / contributed is usually a good talking point. I also like the community sharing aspect of this type of get together.

OP your school gate chat sounds very unpleasant to me.

That’s generally what happens when you’re invited to someone’s birthday party, excluding alcoholic drinks that is. You certainly don’t expect to be providing catering for someone else’s birthday party, not where I’m from anyway
People usually turn up with a desert a bottle of wine or hand a case of beer over as well as a present. You dont turn up empty handed. It makes more sense to specify things.

If it was for a friend I'd be happy to do this, no big deal. Just don't go, why would you if you're not friends?

it's a brilliant way to find out who your friends are especially if you are part of a loose-knit social group who know each other quite vaguely like school mums.

if you like someone enough that you'll go along to their event with a plate of food (usually this would be instead of a gift) just for three joy of spending time with them and wishing them well in their celebrations without any hope of getting free booze and food out of it, then you go.

if you don't like them enough to do that then don't go.

parties where the booze and food are all laid on often have a cluster of nasty hangers on who are only there for the freebies and will talk down the host/ hostess behind their back given the opportunity so aren't genuine friends.

as your thread title says she's not even a friend, and you feel aggrieved at not being offered free food and drink for your services in attending the event, it is probably best you don't go.

Wow, what has got into this forum recently?

Imagine if this OP was posted from the side of the host - AIBU to make 80 people drive 15miles from home for my party, bring their own food (a list of which I will specify, all naice things) and still ask for cash gifts.. which people on here universally despise, she would have got her arse handed to her on a plate.

We appear to have started off the new year on a very obtuse footing!

No you don't invite people to a party and ask them to bring food! Some people have no idea of social etiquette. I wouldn't go.

Pot luck with people you know and by agreement is reasonable, this is not. I'd definitely have other plans

^This. I've been to loads of potlucks in church events, I hate them because IME the CF's who don't bring anything or bring a packet of biscuits are the first ones up at the table piling their plates high. But it's a charity event, so you feel you've done your bit and suck it up. At someone's birthday party that they are organizing themselves? No way Jose. CFery at it's finest.

There was a school mum who used to do this for her dd's birthday, a 'bring and share party in the park'. I thought fair enough, maybe money is tight but then she specified that they only wanted ethically sourced presents and as it was her dd2's half birthday something would be appreciated for her too