DH cross I have questioned bank statement

[bank100]

Name changed for this.

DH and I have a joint current account that we both use for pretty much everything. DH is generally the one to keep an eye on our account and look out for any error transactions.

Today I had a good look through the Dec transactions as I noticed the balance was lower that usual. We are expecting a baby next month and was hoping the balance would look a bit healthier. I made a list of things I hadn't realised we were spending on. Including £100 he'd spent at various pubs (after work drinks), £100 cash withdrawn for imo no reason, £50+ at a sports venue, £70 on another hobby & numerous starbucks etc.

His reaction to me questioning these things was to grab my list, shout that he earns most of the money so he's allowed to spend on whatever he wants. He then tried to find things I had spent on... literally couldn't, I don't spend much on myself. There was one cheap beauty appointment. So was IBU for questioning this, or is he being U for being so cross? I feel weird about it.

if it's his money from his job then i wouldn't question it as i'd be pissed off in his position.

yet i wouldn't have reacted like that.

the reaction would cause me to question what he was hiding

That’s a worry tbh. How are you (as a couple) funding your maternity leave?

Well you need to massively overhaul your finances before the baby comes. You need a set and equal spending amount each then you won’t be questioning what the other is spending. We have three accounts - a joint account for all income and outgoings / bills and we transfer a set equal amount to our own single bank accounts to spend as we wish (these are actually both also joint accounts so they show online in both our names but we use one each).

His attitude of mine is mine is rather worrying.

Too many unknowns to judge. It depends how you spoke to him and of course you will say you were perfectly calm and beyond reasonable. Also depends on your financial circumstances as the sums involved could be highly significant to one couple and no big deal to another.

Would it not be better to have additional individual accounts and decide on an appropriate sum of 'Pocket money' and transfer this out of the joint account each month? You both decide on the amount for personal spending together.

Ditto for a savings account. The money in the joint account could then be for bills, food etc.

Depends how you worded it I think.
I wouldn't like my DH scrutinising everything I spent and expecting me to justify it ... and if I posted on here that he was doing that, there would be a chorus of "LTB" and "financial abuse".

You'd be better to have a more general conversation about budgeting to check you are both on the same page. And potentially assigning yourself "personal" money.

Your supposed to be a partnership, particularly with a baby on the way. Of course it's not "his" money.

I agree that it depends how you approached it, how much money you normally spend on yourselves and what agreement you have about money. DH and I have a joint account and rarely spend much on ourselves so don't need to discuss it. If you have different spending habits could you possibly keep the current account for family expenses and both have a separate account for personal spending/saving. If I was trying to save for a nice travel system or whatever it would be annoying if DH spent £100s a month on coffee but equally it would be annoying not to be able to treat myself sometimes without being made to feel guilty.

This is why i would never have a full joint account. You should bith be able ro spend your own money as you want

YANBU, your about to have a baby together and they are surprisingly expensive, especially as they get older so you need to know that your ok financially. If he can waste over £300 in a month, he should expect to be questioned. What would his reaction be if you wasted £300 in a month? If he cant see your concerned then it's not a great start. Its irrelevant who earns the most, it's all going into the same "pot" for your family. Me and my partner have all our wages go into one account and he has always been and always will be the higher earner but I deal with all the money because he knows I'm better with money than him and if left to him, we wouldn't eat but he would probably have a house full of gadgets 😂 you do what's best for the family, not yourself. He needs to let go of his ego and act like hes in it for the 3 of you.

There's a baby on the way... it's family money now, both wages. If you're going on mat leave soon, so unless he's bringing in a shit load of money he needs to reign his spending in

Sounds like reaction of someone with a guilty conscience and a defensive attitude.

My DH's opinion has always been his money is our money and although we have separate bank acts he transferred me half his income each month and we split the house Bill's equally. Anything left over in our acts we could spend on ourselves, although this usually still went to household/kid stuff.

Now I'm also back working full time he still gives me half his salary, but once the new financial bills are adjusted (council tax for example) I'll work out how much he needs to give me so we have the same income and the same outgoings and he wouldn't question it!

He shouldn’t have reacted like that. Is your income shared?

Earning it doesn't make it solely his, not when you are a family with commitments and a baby on the way that will reduce your earning potential. His is a very shitty attitude to be taking and tells you a lot about where he sees your place in the great scheme of things.

Also that disproportionate level of response would make me wonder if he's been spending on something he wouldn't want me knowing about (like an ow).

Even if I'm totally barking up the wrong tree his response was rude as fuck and I'd be very careful not to leave myself financially vulnerable - keep your job and your own account and make him pay 50% of joint costs such as childcare.

Tricky one. On the one hand, if I came home and DH presented me with a list of all my purchases that he considers unecessary and expecting me to justify them to him I don't think I'd react well.
On the other hand, it's your money too and you should be able to have a conversation about how joint funds are spent without anyone getting defensive or flying off the handle.

Was it because it was Christmas with nights out and can you go through earlier statements and see if hes regularly spending like this. Do you have any income of your own.

Maybe if your list had included the beauty appointment and any lunch/cash/clothing/coffee/hobby stuff you had bought in Dec he might have reacted better. Then it would have truly been a list of what you both spent disposable income on and a team effort to make sure spending is at an affordable level.

(Did you make any allowance for Christmas as this was the statement from December? The extra nights out could have been Christmas get together with friends. The ATM cash could have been to buy gifts. And why would you class only £70 on a hobby being money that should not have been spent? Was he buying his own Christmas gift? )

As it was you presented a list of only things HE spent money on other than bills with the implication that he needs to justify each and every one of them to you. Yet you don’t need to justify a beauty expense. That comes across as controlling.

I probably would have reacted poorly as well. But not as angry as he did. So he’s either overreacted or you were confrontational. Too many unknowns to know if he’s been unreasonable.

Sounds like he felt guilty.

I agree with the equal spending money idea. Works for us. DH gets to fritter his away on beer, I get to save up for ridiculously expensive shoes and sunglasses. Neither of us gets resentful.

This is why we only have a joint bills account. My DH is a spender and I'm not. We each pay into the bills account proportionately and the rest of our money is our own. DH has more disposable cash than me, but more to spend it on as I have 2 DSDs and he pays for things like their school stuff and activities.
I think now would be a good time to reorganise your finances.

Honestly I'd be livid if my husband tried to make me justify my spending.

God I hate the whole it's family money now shite, it's always always only spouted when the man is the higher earner.

I also think you shouldn't be questioning what he spends his earnings on. However if you're concerned about finances then you need to sit down and talk to him about how youlll both afford the baby. Telling him he spent his own earnings frivolously and checking up on him is seldom going to go down well. I'd have told my husband to poke it.

My wages also go into the account. I earn approx half what he does. I work part time so I can look after our DC everyday after school (no childcare costs).

The amount he has spent doesn't mean we will be uncomfortable, but that we are not able to place much in savings. We usually add about £400 to our joint savings each month but with xmas and these unforeseen spends that won't happen this month. I thought we were trying to be careful, and that we mention any spends that are a bit unusual at the time. I didn't realise he thinks he has more right to the money than I do or we do as a family.

FFS it's not 'his' money. The OP is about to have a baby. Their baby and she is going to have to stop working to look after it.

They are - or they should be - a partnership. Frittering money away on crap when you're an income down is bloody stupid and selfish.

And that's without throwing the fact that the OP is already on a low income because she's looking after their existing child.

Sometimes MN is like a page out of the MRA playbook

He then tried to find things I had spent on... literally couldn't, I don't spend much on myself.

Maybe he doesn't want to live like that though? If you're living so frugally through choice (and not because you have genuine money worries) then it could come across as being a bit martyrish.

I don't understand how no childcare costs if you're expecting a baby next month?

I also don't think he was saying he's more entitled, he was just annoyed at you combing through his expenses and deciding if it was acceptable or not.

I'm also concerned about your atttitude, the way you're posting, like you want to throw him under the bus and people not saying you're right is making you write things like he feels he's more entitled than the family.

It's a bit unpleasant. Were you like that when you went after him?