DH cross I have questioned bank statement

[bank100]

Name changed for this.

DH and I have a joint current account that we both use for pretty much everything. DH is generally the one to keep an eye on our account and look out for any error transactions.

Today I had a good look through the Dec transactions as I noticed the balance was lower that usual. We are expecting a baby next month and was hoping the balance would look a bit healthier. I made a list of things I hadn't realised we were spending on. Including £100 he'd spent at various pubs (after work drinks), £100 cash withdrawn for imo no reason, £50+ at a sports venue, £70 on another hobby & numerous starbucks etc.

His reaction to me questioning these things was to grab my list, shout that he earns most of the money so he's allowed to spend on whatever he wants. He then tried to find things I had spent on... literally couldn't, I don't spend much on myself. There was one cheap beauty appointment. So was IBU for questioning this, or is he being U for being so cross? I feel weird about it.

This is why joint accounts for everything doesn't work.

You should both be paid into your own accounts, transfer equal share of bills to the joint one and keep what you've esrnt yourself.

My only point here is why don't you take an active view what is in the account.
Everyone should know what the money situation is if they have shared finances

I think the best thing is to both pay into a joint account to cover things you need, and then you have what's left over for the things you want. That way, he can spend his money how he likes, but you can be sure to have enough for essentials. If he's the higher earner, I think he should pay more into the JA, particularly if you're a SAHM (or are going to be).

My partner literally gives me his card and says I can use it for whatever I need. I am actually the higher earner but I'm better at budgeting so I'll use his for some things and mine for others. He trusts me, and that's how it should be.

i'd be worried he was wasting money with a baby on it's way. He's hardly showing potential here.
You need to be together with finances, it's the first thing that couples need to do so as rot doesn't set into your relationship.

I have the higher income in my own marriage. If DH told me that my Nero habit was financial abuse I'd piss myself laughing. Then divorce him. Incidentally, you get double stamps when you take your own cup, giving you a free coffee far more frequently than the Sbux loyalty programme does, maybe get him to change?

Was there maybe your christmas present on there and he didn't want you to see how much it cost? I'd get a bit snarky if if someone started questioning me on how I was spending my wages tbh. And it may have come across a bit accusatory.

I'd be really pissed off if my husband went through my expenses. Unless it is part of a pattern of him being irresponsible with money, then I think you're being unreasonable OP.

If you are worried about money the less contentious approach is to say you're a bit concerned about money and to ask if you could discuss how to save more over the next few months. He was out of order to say it was his money, but tbh you're not his boss and shouldn't hold him to account.

@Clymene both child minders and nurseries can take babies that are 6 months old. When I was looking the youngest age they would take a child was 3 months old.

They rarely get such young babies now as most parents go back to work when their baby is a year old.

What Clymene said.

This reaction about it being his money is a huge red flag.

It's just the fact that he said it, he thinks it and in doing so he's not recognising your contribution to your family income. You've taken a hit on your own career and your own wages to look after your child and he doesn't recognise that he fucking owes you for that, not that it makes him more entitled because he earns more. He earns more because you've enabled his career at the expense of your own.

Can't believe women are still having these conversations with their terrible husbands.

DH and I have a joint bank account. If he was regularly spending large amounts each month I would push for separate accounts with a joint one for bills. I go through the bank account regularly so I can relate to your way of thinking but we're both on a low income so can't afford to be massively overspending or caught out by fraud.

Also I'm really baffled by the point of view that says she's controlling by checking her own bank statements. She didn't check his account, she checked the joint account.

This is why me and DH don't have a joint account, he pays all the bills etc. I would find it pretty weird if he could see everything I spent money on throughout the week.

Did you plan this baby together and work out how you were going to afford it? If so he is being unreasonable to spend money you have both agreed was to be set aside.

Is he happy for to work part time, would the family have been better off if you earned more & DC was in after school club? School wraparound is usually cheap.

@Greenwingmemories

My DH is usually the one who keeps an eye on our joint account. Why is it ok for him to look through and not me occasionally?

The reason I pointed out these particular spends, as I've mentioned, was because they are unusual and I didn't know about them. He has plenty of monthly entertainment/leisure outgoings that I'm aware of and usually he would mention if he'd been for drinks or bought something new for his hobby. That's why I asked him about it (not in a nagging or confrontational way).

Are people incapable of reading. There was less money one month than normal. ONE month which just so happens to be the most expensive month of the year. This does not equate to financial abuse, a caveman attitude or any other ridiculous thing posters are suggesting. It equates to spending a bit more than usual in the run up to Xmas which plenty of us do. OP then presents her DH with a list of things she has decided he has frittered money on in that month and he has reacted with some silly words said in defence mode and as a reaction to him being hurt that despite the fact that every month they save, the one month they are not short of money but cant save as much as normal he is accused of being wasteful. If my DH were to study my bank account for Dec he would notice more Costa visits including 2 in one day as I was bloody well out more shopping more than usual so paid more visits to coffee shops than usual. And spent more on my hobby because we had a little Christmas celebration there as well as with work. If he de ided I had wasted it he would be told fuck off I work hard and am entiled to enjoy it occasionally without your permission especially as I havent left us short we just cant put as much away this month.

It was Christmas though, everyone spends more during that month, it’s unavoidable with work drinks, Christmas dos etc. If I go through our statement there are away more Starbucks (out Christmas shopping so a pitstop) plus nights out we don’t normally have in other months. Granted you have a baby due in a month but unless you agreed not to do Christmas, not to go out during the festive period you are kind of skating on thin ice.

If the boot was on the other foot here and a man was trawling the wives joint account there’d be a chorus of financial abuse! You maybe needed to be clearer about expectations about spending over Christmas and leading up to mat leave and during mat leave.

Joint bank accounts are unhealthy IMO. We gave separate accounts but also full disclosure always about what we are each spending money on and full agreement about who pays which household bills so its fair.

Don't be so ludicrous, I'm sure he could still earn what he does with a child minder caring for his kid.

He would earn the same, but his take-home would be less because he'd be paying towards childcare. Unless you happen to know of nurseries and childminders that do it for free? He avoids that cost because it's being covered by the OP's cut in hours.

I think it can work better to have separate accounts and just pool household bills and savings.

While I'm on maternity leave with DC2, DH has simply continued to transfer to me what he used to pay our childminder (e.g. his half of that bill). We then each both pay our half of the various other bills (mortgage, utilities, car costs, internet, insurances and an agreed amount for supermarket spending per month) into the joint account. Other money is kept separate and annually we discuss savings and pool money for whatever we need.

This works really well. Im funding my own maternity leave (eg, i continue to pay my half of bills etc and he hands me money equivalent to childcare). This is because we would be much better off if i worked, i dont see why he should subsidize me to be off work for a year when I'm not offering that to him. Thus zero resentment, no question abour what each of us spends.

And we each feel free to buy whatever we like with our own disposable income but we completely trust each other.

BoalFan But then there is no impact to the op’s career which has worried some posters. Sure, it comes at a cost but her career would go on unaffected.

But what should you know about it? Has he to tell you what he has spent that month? It’s not unusual to have increased expenditure at Christmas time.

This works really well. Im funding my own maternity leave (eg, i continue to pay my half of bills etc and he hands me money equivalent to childcare). This is because we would be much better off if i worked, i dont see why he should subsidize me to be off work for a year when I'm not offering that to him. Thus zero resentment, no question abour what each of us spends.

This is really interesting. Why is it that it’s usually women who are the lower earner so it makes sense for them to quit work to look after children?

Joystir59 just like us. It works really well.

You get issues where one party to the relationship is expecting to be "kept" by the other, to the tune of more than the equivalent childcare would cost. It's 2020, men do not need to "keep" their wives any more...We can earn our own money and spend it too

Shirleyphallus

I'm not the lower earner. We earn about the same. I took a year off work as i chose to breastfeed. DH agreed this was important so did not request any shared parental leave to allow me the full year.