DH cross I have questioned bank statement

[bank100]

Name changed for this.

DH and I have a joint current account that we both use for pretty much everything. DH is generally the one to keep an eye on our account and look out for any error transactions.

Today I had a good look through the Dec transactions as I noticed the balance was lower that usual. We are expecting a baby next month and was hoping the balance would look a bit healthier. I made a list of things I hadn't realised we were spending on. Including £100 he'd spent at various pubs (after work drinks), £100 cash withdrawn for imo no reason, £50+ at a sports venue, £70 on another hobby & numerous starbucks etc.

His reaction to me questioning these things was to grab my list, shout that he earns most of the money so he's allowed to spend on whatever he wants. He then tried to find things I had spent on... literally couldn't, I don't spend much on myself. There was one cheap beauty appointment. So was IBU for questioning this, or is he being U for being so cross? I feel weird about it.

I agree Bluntness. I have always been primary earner in my marriage. Even the years I had unpaid maternity leave (3 months), I still out earned my husband. For most of marriage I made more than twice what he did....he’s caught up most of the way now.

But yes, if I had been saving and saving religiously every month and then in the run up to Christmas treated myself to a few luxuries and nights out with friends and he’d read me the riot act, I would be very pissed off. It’s not like he went out and bought a £29k Harley Davidson motorcycle. He did not cause any financial difficulties or make a major purchase.

Spectacularly missing the fact that the only reason he's able to earn what he does is because OP has gone PT to cover childcare, taking the hit to her career

Don't be so ludicrous, I'm sure he could still earn what he does with a child minder caring for his kid.

Sorry, my point was already made while I was figuring out how to post...

I am with you OP

I do get some of the posters saying they wouldnt want to have to justify their spending, but in my opinion a joint account is jointly owned money and if you are a few hundred quid down to what you expect, then it's normal to go through and see where the moneys gone. And if one half of the couple is working hard to save money while the other blows it on numerous pointless things like Starbucks that can really add up, that doesnt strike me as fair. It's not saying 'wtf are you doing buying Starbucks, you should run it past me next time you fancy a coffee' its saying 'we didnt save anything this month, did you realise you spent nearly 50 quid on coffee?'. Most people with a joint account tell the other person if they are spending more than normal.

I think his response was horrible though - it's his money because he earns more? If he thinks he should have more spending money then maybe he should keep some more back before transferring it to a shared account but tbh that's a horrible way to think- I'd be tempted to say fine you'll go back to work full time and work longer hours to try and get promoted and he can pay half the childcare costs that brings and then ar least you'll have more of 'your' own money

Bookmark@Bluntness100

God I hate the whole it's family money now shite, it's always always only spouted when the man is the higher earner.

I earn twice what my DH earns and it absolutely is family money. It all goes into the same pot, bills and savings are taken care of and then we both have the same ‘pocket money.’

@Bluntness100

I wouldn't let this go. I would ask him if he thinks he is a single man, or a married man part of a couple, part of a family. I would say if he thinks he is still single and what he earns is his only, he can go be a single man if that's what he wants - then watch him backtrack. His behaviour is unforgivable and very suss.

Yes threatening divorce is so mature. Actually, that is emotional blackmail and a type of abuse.

Just seen this @Bluntness100: Don't be so ludicrous, I'm sure he could still earn what he does with a child minder caring for his kid.

Read that back again and have a good think! Would that childminder be free?

Bluntness100 - Don't be so ludicrous, I'm sure he could still earn what he does with a child minder caring for his kid.

Sure - but then that £400 would be in the childminder's bank account and not available for him to spend on things for himself.

Unfortunately you're married to a man who, while I'm sure agreed it was financially sensible for you to work part time, now regards your contribution as less than his.

So you have two options:

1. Give him a backdated invoice for all the childcare, cleaning and admin you have provided until now. I'm sure he will be in huge deficit.

1. Present him with the costs for childcare for both your children so that you can go back to work full time after 6 months. I'd imagine for a baby that young, you'll need a full time nanny.

Give him a choice of where he wants to take this conversation.

And I am deadly serious. How fucking dare he react like that when you're about to have his baby and have shafted your own career to look after his existing one. How dare he.

I earn twice what my DH earns and it absolutely is family money

That's fine. But that's your decision, there is no law that says what you do is what everyone should do. I'm assuming then your husband controls your spending and challenges you if in any month you spend more thanusual even when it's a one off and every other month you didn't? Because that's what this is.

And he is treating it like family money. It's the op that's not. He puts all his earnings in, he saves four hundred a month for them. And yes on one month he spent a couple of hundred more than he ever does. She's the one treating it like her money she controls.

In one month he over spent. Not a regular thing. Regularly he does right by them more than right.. So I personally understand that as a one off, when he is controlled like it's her money, he's pissed off. I would be. All day long I would be.

You are definitely not wrong for being cautious and wanting to get your head around finances with a baby due.

And yes his reaction was ott.

Have you come to any agreement about how the essentials will be paid once you go on maternity leave? Because you need to. And going forward if/when you return to work. What you both put in to cover bills should (just my opinion) be in proportion to what you earn.

Whatever you decide, you really need to start talking about money. Because when kids come along it gets more expensive and if you’re not on the same page, more complicated.

shout that he earns most of the money so he's allowed to spend on whatever he wants.

This is a huge problem.

I think you need to have a proper talk about whether he really has these caveman type views to family life. If so - what will you do about it?

@PlanDeRaccordement Yes threatening divorce is so mature. Actually, that is emotional blackmail and a type of abuse.

Are you really serious? How is "emotional blackmail" and a "type of abuse" or not mature? Seriously? It is I feel more than a fair thing to say. Marriage therapists will discuss the 'living as a single person' and say that that (what the DH is doing) is Financial Abuse. Which it is. I would suggest you say to a marriage therapist that you think a very fair question is blackmail and abuse. I think you will be laughed at. If DH is going to live as a single adult and not part of a marriage, it is a very fair question.

Oh sorry I didn't realise this was the 1950s. My bad, I thought she could take maternity for a shortened period, likely on full pay, and he could potentially take some paternity, but that was assuming it was 2020

Oh yes, 2020 where its still the woman who is taking the financial and career hit (which applies even if you don't take maternity leave but simply have children) whilst the man keeps all "his" money and spends it on whatever he likes. Sounds more like my DMs description of many women in her generation.

Nor do most women take maternity leave on full pay. A high proportion of women are sacked when pregnant, most only get statutory minimum. Unless you work as a direct employee of one of the bigger, FTSE type firms you are lucky to get a few weeks on full pay.

But obviously yes, progress is telling women women rush back to work ready or not because the father of their children can't possibly take any responsibility for them and the realy priority is ensuring he keeps all "his" money.

For gods sake, I think posters have to calm down. He overspent ONCE and people have him pegged as a “caveman” etc as he got annoyed with getting his spending criticised.

And if the op is worried about her career being impacted then she needs to go back full time and pay for childcare like many do.

Rather than worrying about who was being unreasonable, sit down and discuss finances and make a plan for how you plan to manage going forward. Goals, a budget, etc.

I’d feel attacked if my DH suddenly went through my past month of expenditures and questioned each one. I’d probably react poorly to that.

Please ignore Bluntless. She seems completely unable to understand that you only earn less becaus you provide the childcare. If you didn't have joint children then you would be earning the same as him but you had kids so you took the hit to your career in order to save the family to cost of childcare for multiple children (which probably adds up to more than what you lose out on by only working part time).
If you went to work full time, the family would be worse off from having to pay childcare. You are saving the family money but it means he needs to accept that the money is hot mostly his. He only has the extra because he isn't paying for childcare. He wouldn't have it if you worked full time, so he needs to share it with you.

You should both have equal spending money and save that up if you are planning a splurge.

I would ask him if he thinks he is a single man, or a married man part of a couple, part of a family. I would say if he thinks he is still single and what he earns is his only, he can go be a single man if that's what he wants - then watch him backtrack.

I would not engage with this passive-aggressive conversation.

It sounds like he was being defensive but I wouldn't like to be questioned on my spending (for example, I buy my lunch every day and my OH takes pack up) but we keep our money separate to avoid this stuff. People say things they don't really mean when they're angry. Maybe try have a calmer conversation, or just let him buying a few coffees in December go.

It's not the overspending. It's what he said that's the problem.

he's pissed off. I would be. All day long I would be

Your post kind of sums you up here @Bluntness100

We have separate accounts and then a joint one for bills

I'd be livid if dh started nit picking over my bank account

We each put into the joint bills account according to how much we earn so we both have the same amount of disposable income left each month

We do the same as @Fairylea - works well for us.

I think the point is the OP has no proof this is the first time he's overspent. It's the first time she's checked the statement so whilst she thought her and her DH were on the same page regarding spending - she's possibly found out they're not. When she asked him he was very defensive when he could have had a conversation about it.

It's fine to spend what you like when you both have individual budgets which you can spend the whole lot of or save. But they dont work it like that. They have a joint account and an agreed amount they save every month. Which means the leftover can be spent between them. He has gone and sown way more than normal on himself which is preventing them from saving that month, so he took money away from the family for himself, money which they agreed would be saved.
The OP didn't spend any money on herself. It sounds like if she were to spend money on herself like he did that month, then they'd have been down to nothing. She earns a third of that money, but there wouldn't have been any left for her to spend on herself because he blew the budget.

OP, you need to both agree on spending money each and then take that out separately. That's for you to spend or keep as you both like. The rest of the money goes on bills, things for the kids and savings.