DH cross I have questioned bank statement

[bank100]

Name changed for this.

DH and I have a joint current account that we both use for pretty much everything. DH is generally the one to keep an eye on our account and look out for any error transactions.

Today I had a good look through the Dec transactions as I noticed the balance was lower that usual. We are expecting a baby next month and was hoping the balance would look a bit healthier. I made a list of things I hadn't realised we were spending on. Including £100 he'd spent at various pubs (after work drinks), £100 cash withdrawn for imo no reason, £50+ at a sports venue, £70 on another hobby & numerous starbucks etc.

His reaction to me questioning these things was to grab my list, shout that he earns most of the money so he's allowed to spend on whatever he wants. He then tried to find things I had spent on... literally couldn't, I don't spend much on myself. There was one cheap beauty appointment. So was IBU for questioning this, or is he being U for being so cross? I feel weird about it.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland
You're the one who included baby clothes in your little list of what she should be paying out of her own spends.

I think you need to have an honest, open discussion on finances. Would you not consider having a joint account for bills and other household expenditure and then your own savings accounts? That way out of your spare money you can spend or save whatever you want. You could find you end up spending more on yourself without feeling guilty and your op can spend his without having to justify it to each other.

I personally think having a joint account is a recipe for financial abuse.
In a few weeks time you're going to be so focused on your child that you won't have chance to be so vigilant on your joint finances.
"I earn more so I can spend it how I like" might start including the money you thought was available for petrol to the next baby appointment, the next coffee/cake etc when introducing your newborn to your colleagues and before you know it, it gets out of hand.
You did nothing wrong to ask why he wasn't tightening his purse strings but you were. Your protecting your child's financial future and he needs to remember he's part of a team.

Christmas is always more expensive, work meals out, drinks out etc.

I think after the fact what is the point quizzy how it’s spent? It’s done... it’s spent.

Move on... and maybe keep more of an eye on how money is spent. With online banking this is easy.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland does the money your DH transfers to you come to more than your half of the bills?

I'd really like to know what would have happened if she too had unilaterally decided to blow £300 on personal spends. I bet he'd have plenty to say about it given that he thinks it's his money and takes no account of the fact that it exists in part because she's saving them childcare costs.

Lots of posters are missing the fact that he looks at the statement every month - if she was so controlling she'd have always been scrutinising every penny spent. For all she knows he could have blowing £££ every month, while she's been scrimping and spending £6.50 on eyebrow threading.

Would you be better off if you worked full time & paid childcare?

If so is your DH 100% in agreement with you working less? I know many men (Yes shirleyphallus you are absolutely right about the gender split) who quietly resent their wives who have opted to reduce their working hours, despite it lowering their income by quite a bit more than the childcare cost. I think some women consider it a given that their husband should subsidize them financially to not work while children are young. It should be a joint decision to do this.

You quizzed him on Starbucks trips and drinks money in the month of December?! I'm not surprised he reacted badly. It's quite normal to have a couple of Christmas nights out... and a coffee when you want one.
You say the balance was lower than normal so it's not a regular thing.

YABU

@ChocolateTeapots1 a man was trawling the wives joint account there’d be a chorus of financial abuse!

I've you've missed the vital point that it isn't 'his' account, or 'her' account, it is a JOINT ACCOUNT. Therefore, it is as much her right to 'trawl through' their joint account, as it is his. You cannot compare it to a single account. This is a joint account. BOTH have the right to go through the account.

Ginger1982

No not even closer. It's only 50% of childcare cost. I pay 50% of mortgage, utilities, kids costs, the supermarket shop, the lot?

Lulualla nope that wasn't me who referred to baby clothes as part of the mums expenditure.

@Chattercino
Why is it 'very controlling'? He is usually the one to check our account and keep an eye on it. I noticed a change in balance so took a look, unusually.

Ginger1982 I just checked it and what he transfers to me is less than 25% of what I'm paying into the joint account for my half of the household bills.

"Ginger1982 I just checked it and what he transfers to me is less than 25% of what I'm paying into the joint account for my half of the household bills."

So how are you funding the rest? From your own savings?

Did some of you even read the OP? This is a joint....account.

Meaning, they BOTH have the right to look at the statements.

JFC!

Yes, plus maternity pay.

This is basically why I don’t agree with joint accounts. Adults should be able to have their own account. Sharing just seems infantile.

It's not rocket science. For us to be able to afford me to be off work for a full year with the baby, we need to continue paying our bills. Why would DH be able to afford two people's share? We planned a baby..DH saved up for his childcare cost & I saved up to pay myself an income while I'm off so i can continue to afford our bills.

Oh yes, 2020 where its still the woman who is taking the financial and career hit (which applies even if you don't take maternity leave but simply have children) whilst the man keeps all "his" money and spends it on whatever he likes

What are you talking about? He has a joint account and puts it all in. One month he spends an extra couple of hundred. One month and peopl are acting like he's financially abused her for years.

And yes he would have to pay for childcare, but he'd earn the same. The poster said he couldn't earn without her. He could. And let's be honest, probably be better off, because any judge in the land would expect her to work and pay half. So let's not go there. The kids have two parents.

He earns, he puts it all into a joint account, he saves four hundred a month, and one month, just before Xmas, he spends more than usual. It hardly makes him some form of anti christ.

Seriously people need to get some perspective.

Looks like you need to check the bank account more often, op!

He agreed the £400 savings yet he he is spending hundreds extra in December without letting you know? Then gets aggressive/defensive when you ask him about it?

You need to sit down with him and discuss money. Make sure he knows that your career has taken a hit because you are looking after dc, and your sacrifice is facilitating his career...

The fact that he thinks it’s ‘his’ money is more than a little worrying.

Bluntness

Yep. And its 2020. There doesn't have to he a career penalty! I haven't had one, i still earn a good income post DS. In my NCT group 3 out of 7 were promoted in the year after we all returned to work, with big pay rises. There's only a career penalty if you choose to stay off work for years, or choose to have more children than you can afford childcare for so are pushed put of work by that.

You definitely need separate accounts! And you need to agree priorities. Some people spent a lot of money on PFBs, others are happy to make to with second hand / charity shop / hand me downs. If, for example, you want a fancy changing station (don't - waste of money...) and a posh buggy, while he's thinking £1000 will cover everything, you should discuss that all now!

It may be 'joint' money as a couple (we earn very different amounts, have a joint bills account and can spend the rest how we choose), but it will cause resentment if you don't agree what is a priority ahead of times when it may be tight. Don't they say money causes more break-ups than anything else?

@ChristmasConcert

It's not their first child. They have children already; that's why she works part time. They save money by her working part time and not paying childcare.

spend not spent....do not to.......

Oh sorry - didn't RTFT.

Looks like you need to check the bank account more often, op!

I agree with this. It looks like he was surprised as he didn't expect you to check it OP.