DH cross I have questioned bank statement

[bank100]

Name changed for this.

DH and I have a joint current account that we both use for pretty much everything. DH is generally the one to keep an eye on our account and look out for any error transactions.

Today I had a good look through the Dec transactions as I noticed the balance was lower that usual. We are expecting a baby next month and was hoping the balance would look a bit healthier. I made a list of things I hadn't realised we were spending on. Including £100 he'd spent at various pubs (after work drinks), £100 cash withdrawn for imo no reason, £50+ at a sports venue, £70 on another hobby & numerous starbucks etc.

His reaction to me questioning these things was to grab my list, shout that he earns most of the money so he's allowed to spend on whatever he wants. He then tried to find things I had spent on... literally couldn't, I don't spend much on myself. There was one cheap beauty appointment. So was IBU for questioning this, or is he being U for being so cross? I feel weird about it.

We usually add about £400 to our joint savings each month but with xmas and these unforeseen spends that won't happen this month.

Sorry, just seen your update. That's changed things a bit. If you've agreed as a couple that you will be careful with money and put a certain amount aside each month and he's not sticking to that then YANBU to question what he's spending.

Frittering money away on crap when you're an income down is bloody stupid and selfish

Get a grip, it was one month, did you not see her say it was usually higher and they save four hundred a month? So he spent more in December, who amongst us didn't?

God I hate the whole it's family money now shite, it's always always only spouted when the man is the higher earner.

No it isn't. I've seen the same said to an OP who was the (female) higher earner. In any case since the woman has to take at least some maternity leave often on a reduced salary you couldn't possibly justify considering salaries separate.

And there is the issue [

Well I don't see it said to female higher earners, I see the man called a cock lodger and to turf him out if he's not paying his way.

December is an expensive month, and he didn’t spend that much in the scheme of things.

I’m so glad I have my own account and don’t have to justify my spending. Bills are paid, that’s the main thing.

December and Christmas can always squeeze the purse strings, but he was unreasonable to proclaim that it was his money and he could what he wanted given the fact that you are trying to save, and you earn half as you look after the DC. Shows how he really feels I guess, if it hasn't left you short for bills etc I would probably not keep at it to be honest.

Also this is why we don't have a joint account but have equal amounts left over after bills and savings etc to spend as we please!

. Yet you don’t need to justify a beauty expense. That comes across as controlling.

My beauty expense was £6.50 having my eyebrows threaded which I have every month and he already knows about. I didn't spend anything else on myself or leisure activities for myself.
I thought we were both careful with money so £70 extra on a hobby seems a lot when he already pays a standard monthly amount.
Yes, xmas taken into consideration so xmas parties / meals / presents not included.
Why is it controlling to question something that seems unusual?

I think OP is home with their existing child and Pg with another baby. You are saving the family money by doing childcare - it has actual monetary value that your husband isn't appreciating. He shouldn't be pissing that value up the wall on nights out and acting like you've no right to object, when you've both agreed to cut back and you have been doing so.

Bluntness100 - I don't understand how no childcare costs if you're expecting a baby next month?

Because OP works part time to eliminate childcare costs for their existing children. But they will soon be down her income with the new baby and need to save money rather than frittering it on crap-

bluntness op has another child or children and works p/t so that she is there after school so the family don't currently have any childcare costs.

OP, I totally understand your pov, but I can also see why your dh felt scrutinised and criticised. I don't think his reaction was okay though.

There's no going back to relive December, so you both need to sit down to review your finances with a baby on the way. Agreed amount to save, agreed amounts to spend recreationally etc.

If he had a bit of a blow out coming up to Xmas with a baby on the way and that hasn't put you in financial difficulties, I'd regard it as irritating but not suspicious or untrustworthy tbh.

n any case since the woman has to take at least some maternity leave often on a reduced salary you couldn't possibly justify considering salaries separate

Oh sorry I didn't realise this was the 1950s. My bad, I thought she could take maternity for a shortened period, likely on full pay, and he could potentially take some paternity, but that was assuming it was 2020.

Silly me.

Take the equivalent of what he's spent and put in in your own account.

Why is it controlling to question something that seems unusual?

That’s not what I said OP. I said presenting him with a list of only his expenses and not including any of yours (no matter how minor) comes across as being controlling. This is because since your spending is not on the list you gave him it implies your spending is above reproach and not up for discussion, that it is only his spending that is up for discussion (and approval) by you.

He probably doesn't think he has more rights but reacted to you deciding he was wasting it.

What’s the mysterious hobby?!

I was either a SAHM or part time only when raising my family, all money in joint accounts. I was in charge of the budget, and each of us got an “allowance” every week, cash. I didn’t check on what he spent his on, nor did he question mine. He used to say that while he worked for the paycheck, I earned it, and he acknowledged the job I had with the home and family.

Bottom line is this was one month, the guy saves 400 a month , and as he earns double it will be his money that's saved, not hers.

So he spent up a bit in December, and he got challenged on it and told it was unnecessary expenditure, he's hardly not doing his bit. I personally can understand why he's pissed, I would be, if I earned double of by husband, saved four hundred a month and in the lead up to Xmas spent a bit more and got my arse handed to me for it.

If you've agreed as a couple that you will be careful with money and put a certain amount aside each month and he's not sticking to that then YANBU to question what he's spending

Agreed.

Bottom line is this was one month, the guy saves 400 a month , and as he earns double it will be his money that's saved, not hers.

Spectacularly missing the fact that the only reason he's able to earn what he does is because OP has gone PT to cover childcare, taking the hit to her career. It's not "his" money when OP is sacrificing her earning potential and pension to facilitate him working FT.

The thing that jumped out at me was OP saying he had withdrawn £100 which in her opinion was a waste. If she had said we over spent a bit in Dec I bet she would have got a different reaction to saying I think you have wasted money. The £100 obviously wasnt a waste to him, so to be scrutinised and challenged it is natural to go into defence mode.

Taking it all into account and you are right to be cross - but perhaps you should have budgeted for this - I would be inclined to let it go and put in place things so it does not happen in future.

It's christmas, there are always hidden costs, so suggest putting money aside monthly for this next year to allow for some jollies.

My wages also go into the account. I earn approx half what he does. I work part time so I can look after our DC everyday after school (no childcare costs).

You do have childcare costs. The money you are losing out on from not working full time so you can be there to cover childcare is effectively the cost. DH is therefore able to work full time and lord it over the finances apparently, as he's earning more. Because YOU are paying the childcare costs with your lost earnings.

Wait a minute, OP said her DH normally goes over the bank statements, and just once, the OP did. Why is she wrong for going over their household bank statements, but he can?

OP, his reaction was way over the top, insensitive, immature and very suspicious. I wouldn't let this go. I would ask him if he thinks he is a single man, or a married man part of a couple, part of a family. I would say if he thinks he is still single and what he earns is his only, he can go be a single man if that's what he wants - then watch him backtrack. His behaviour is unforgivable and very suss. If what he spent that money on is so innocent, why his over-the-top reaction?

It is not the amounts or what he spent it on (though suss in itself), it's his attitude that he is a single adult and his money is his (while no doubt combing over what you spend) and it is none of your business. As his wife, and the mother of his children, his life partner, his spending is very much your business. And yours his. His reaction was way out of line and very belittling of you and the role you play as 50% of the union. I would confront this head on and not let it slide, because if you cower now, he will think what he said is ok and he will keep doing it.