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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think asking “Are you alright for a drink”? Is not offering someone a drink?

442 replies

SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 16:53

Last night I went to the pub with 3 friends, one of whom brought her new(ish) partner, so there were 5 of us. I arrived last, and said I was going to the bar and asked if anyone would like a drink, to which they all said yes and I bought the round - fine.

When we finished our drinks, one of my friends did the same - fine.

When my friend’s boyfriend finished his drink, he asked his girlfriend if she wanted a another red wine, then as he got up to go, said to the rest of us “are you guys alright for a drink?”. We all said we were fine but it narked me a bit.

I know it isn’t a massive deal and actually this aside I really liked the guy, but just interested in people’s thoughts. AIBU to think this isn’t really offering to buy us drinks at all?

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 07/01/2020 18:21

Ha at ‘regards’ hot fury

No that’s not buying a round. If you are doing rounds you’ve got to commit.

notacooldad · 07/01/2020 18:23

This, exactly. It’s worded in a way that makes it hard to say “Actually, no. I’ll have a G&T, please” (or whatever)
Not if you are already In a round.its a perfectly normal question, especially when some glasses are empty and some still have a bit if drink left. The answer is either ' I'm ok for now or ' I'll have same again, thanks!'

Offering in a 'please say no' kind of a way but instead of being narked I would have just said 'actually I would like a large gin, thank you' even if you didn't need one? thats just petty and ridiculous bunnybigears

managedmis · 07/01/2020 18:23

english.stackexchange.com/questions/309690/youll-have-had-your-tea

@UndertheCedartree

DesLynamsMoustache · 07/01/2020 18:23

Weird, kitties are the norm for nights out here when there's a few of you! So funny how everywhere seems to hate its own social rules Grin

DesLynamsMoustache · 07/01/2020 18:23

Have, not hate! *

UndertheCedartree · 07/01/2020 18:24

@FairyBatman - I'm in the South and it's a very normal way to offer a drink here too.

notacooldad · 07/01/2020 18:24

I see lots of people saying it's like 'you'll have had your tea' - I've never heard that phrase - what situation is it used in? Is it a Northern thing? no idea! I'm a Northerner but I've never heard that!

Baker1985 · 07/01/2020 18:25

Not really offering tho is it? Who would answer with well no actually I want another it's like an obligation to say yes am fine because of the way he worded it he offered his gf why not say same to her? Lesson learnt do t buy him one next time

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 07/01/2020 18:25

I voted YABU at first but then I thought about it some more and changed my vote. Depending on the tone of voice it can definitely be interpreted as not encouraging you to say ‘yes please, I’ll have...’

I think the phrasing in itself isn’t too bad but combined with the fact that he asked as an afterthought when he was already on his way to the bar to get her drink indicates that he wasn’t really bothered about getting his round in.

Bubs101 · 07/01/2020 18:25

Think circumstance comes into play here. As previous posters have said, its an acceptable question to ask if you hadn't bought him a drink prior and he was just being polite. But the fact he happily took 2 drinks of you, then asked his girlfriend outright what she was drinking, whilst casually mentioning if you 'alright for a drink' is a slick way of saying, i'll get you a drink if you ask outright, but I don't really want to.
Again I may be wrong, as others have mentioned it was in offer, which they're right it was, and you should have just said 'i'll be having". But it's a little cheap, keep an eye on that one.

Piglet89 · 07/01/2020 18:25

He offered. Heard that same phrase many times.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 07/01/2020 18:26

I see lots of people saying it's like 'you'll have had your tea' - I've never heard that phrase - what situation is it used in? Is it a Northern thing?

It’s a Scottish thing!

kingkuta · 07/01/2020 18:26

maybe can’t afford to buy a round for five people (though he was with his GF so technically it would be 2.5 drinks a piece
Confusedno it wouldn''t. You don't become half a person when you're with your partner. 5 people in a round. Each person buys a round. Another definition of a tight cunt, someone who thinks because they're in a couple they only buy a round between them. Should all the single people only buy half a glass for each person in the couple then?

CallofDoodee · 07/01/2020 18:27

No that’s not buying a round. If you are doing rounds you’ve got to commit.

Exactly. Asking 'are you alright for a drink' is assuming they are going to say they are alright, otherwise you would just ask 'what do you want to drink'? And if you have already been bought a drink by someone else you should never just assume they are going to be alright for a drink, because that's just rude.

notacooldad · 07/01/2020 18:27

Who would answer with well no actually I want another! any one that wants a drink of course!🤣🤣🤣It's a normal line!

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 07/01/2020 18:29

Sorry, posted too soon. It basically means ‘I assume you’ve already eaten?’ and the subtext is ‘...because I’m not going to offer you anything’.

It brings to mind stuffy well-to-do Edinburgh ladies!

Drabarni · 07/01/2020 18:29

I'd have told him what I was drinking if others had started buying rounds.
He asked what you wanted?

MrsTWH · 07/01/2020 18:30

I’d have taken it as an offer and said something like, “oooh, rum and coke for me please!” Grin

user1471517900 · 07/01/2020 18:30

So basically the only person who didn't buy a drink all night was the gf. And yet the man who offered and bought drinks.....is called cheap.

WombatChocolate · 07/01/2020 18:30

I think the way people respond to 'is everyone alright for a drink' type of comments usually relate to the context. The response is as important as the question.

So, if you've been part of a group all evening, buying a round earlier, or accepting drinks from everyone so far who has been buying drinks and this question is asked, it's perfectly fine to ask for something, however it's worded - this is becaue you've already bought for them, or will do shortly. If the latter, then 'oh yes, I'd like a.....and the the next round will be mine' is fine. People who've already bought drinks or will do so shortly don't usually feel awkward about having one from someone else, even if it's phrased as 'is everyone alright for a drink'.

People who might feel they should say they are fine and not ask for one are those who've just arrived and so who haven't been in the round buying group and who probably do t want to join it late in the day. So they might say no, as might someone who isn't planning to buy a round later.

As Op had already bought drinks, I think she could have taken the question as genuine and certainly felt comfortable in asking for something - and the BF would hardly have been surprised in that circumstance really.

Round buying can be tricky though. What if you go out with the plan to have a couple of drink and spend £10-15 and when you get somewhere it turns out to be round buying in a group of 6 or 8 - you might accept. First drink before you realise it's a big round group, then suddenly you feel committed to offer a round which could cost £40-50 even though you only plan to have a couple of drinks. It's difficult to always know what the culture is on arrival or avoid feeling irritated that you've ended up spending more than you wanted or others drank your drinks and didn't reciprocate. It's why unless drinking regularly with groups in an established pattern, I think it's usually easier to just buy for one or two or yourself and decline offers, especially from people you do t really know.

Perhaps the BF expected to go out and spend £15-20 on a couple of drinks for GF and himself - perhaps he doesn't usually buy rounds/socialise with people who do. Perhaps the rounds were really expensive and he was faced with a much bigger cost than he'd imagined for the night. That said, he should have cottoned on faster and not kept accepting if he wasn't willing to buy.

The point is, tHess things can be complicated. Just because you and your friends usually do one thing, doesn't mean anyone who does something different is rude, especially in a one-off meeting. If someone continued to accept drinks and never bought it would be odd - but I can see how on first time meeting people this could happen.

Gizlotsmum · 07/01/2020 18:30

Offering. I'd have responded with oh actually I'd love another :)

ohprettybaby · 07/01/2020 18:31

He is being clever. Psychologically if you are asked if you are alright, the natural response is to say yes. I think he will turn out to be tightfisted.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 07/01/2020 18:32

To me it means he doesn’t think you do want another drink, probably because you’ve barely started the previous one, but he’s just checking to be polite.

If you HAVEN’T got more than half a drink left (or made noises about having had enough), then it’s a bit rude as it presumes a no. And if it happened again I’d brightly tell him he’s quite mistaken, you’d love another drink please!

transformandriseup · 07/01/2020 18:32

Are you alright for a drink' round here definitely is an offer to buy you one

Same

CallofDoodee · 07/01/2020 18:32

It's a normal line

It's really not. I would be really embarrassed to answer the question 'are you alright for a drink' with anything other than yes. I've never really been asked it in the context where I think it really is someone else's turn to get a round in though so have never had to worry!

'What are you having'
'What are you drinking'
What can I get you'
'Are you having another wine/beer/gin' etx

Are acceptable questions to ask someone to whom you actually owe a drink.

Wink