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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think asking “Are you alright for a drink”? Is not offering someone a drink?

442 replies

SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 16:53

Last night I went to the pub with 3 friends, one of whom brought her new(ish) partner, so there were 5 of us. I arrived last, and said I was going to the bar and asked if anyone would like a drink, to which they all said yes and I bought the round - fine.

When we finished our drinks, one of my friends did the same - fine.

When my friend’s boyfriend finished his drink, he asked his girlfriend if she wanted a another red wine, then as he got up to go, said to the rest of us “are you guys alright for a drink?”. We all said we were fine but it narked me a bit.

I know it isn’t a massive deal and actually this aside I really liked the guy, but just interested in people’s thoughts. AIBU to think this isn’t really offering to buy us drinks at all?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 07/01/2020 18:54

Why do so many people on mn struggle to understand the concept of regional dialect? Not everyone is out to screw you over. People just have different ways of saying things.

Be gentle with them. Conversing with posters from North of the Watford Gap on MN is about as edgy as it gets for some people...

Arrowfanatic · 07/01/2020 18:55

If I'd have been asked that question & needed a drink I'd just reply with "oh thanks, I'll have a white wine please. Thank you"

Saying that is a pretty normal thing to do down here in my area. Plus, especially when you're the new guy in the group.

paranoidmum2 · 07/01/2020 18:55

I think YANBU, OP. I think it's a strategy that clearly works for him, given the number of YABUs on this thread!

How many free drinks id he cadge in the end?

At least you're on to him for next time?

kingkuta · 07/01/2020 18:55

when they got back with their drinks, we finished ours shortly afterwards (he wasn’t gone long, it was quiet in the pub) and the friend who hadn’t yet bought a drink got a round the three of us
Any decent person at that point would have said 'ill get them, it's my round'. Instead he let your friend buy what was essentially his round. Tells you everything you need to know.

kingkuta · 07/01/2020 18:57

No TabbyMumz the other friend bought the next round and the couple both said they didn't want one (as he had just been to the bar and bought only their drinks)

user1471517900 · 07/01/2020 18:57

His gf was the only person who didn't buy any drinks at all. Yet she's getting away scot free Grin

Aragog · 07/01/2020 18:57

CallofDoodee
It's a normal line

It's really not.

Well, the vote on this thread would suggest it actually really is.

82% of some 734 people have votes that it is. Thats just over 600 people responding on this thread.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/01/2020 18:59

Another one firmly in the Biarritz camp here. I also agree that tone is important. By way of an analogy, at extreme ends of the spectrum, imagine if you'd just relayed news to a friend of something terrible that's just happened to you. It's the difference between them putting their hand on your arm and saying "Please tell me what I can do to help you - anything at all to lighten your load a little" and calling behind them "Let me know if I can do anything" as they're walking away.

I can't remember the fancy psychological name for it, but it's definitely a way of asking that invites the answer that you won't have another and might make you feel awkward to ask for one in a way that "Right, then - what's everybody having?" doesn't at all.

I was also wondering whether they were playing the old trick of presuming to be considered as a single unit when it comes to taking turns to buy a round but expecting to be bought two drinks in everybody else's rounds, because there are two of them.

UndertheCedartree · 07/01/2020 19:00

I think YANBU, OP. I think it's a strategy that clearly works for him, given the number of YABUs on this thread!

Well, not really considering those that said YABU would have just asked for a drink. His strategy only works if people like the OP think he isn't offering and don't ask for a drink.

fedup21 · 07/01/2020 19:01

Saying it to people who have bought you drinks and who have near empty glasses is rude, because then they have to answer with 'oh no I'm not actually, can I have a... Please' which is kind of awkward because they haven't properly been asked.

Absolutely-it’s about the context.

Did he say-‘you alright for a drink?’ to his girlfriend.

If not, then that’s not how he normally asks if people want a drink...

LolaSmiles · 07/01/2020 19:03

Be gentle with them. Conversing with posters from North of the Watford Gap on MN is about as edgy as it gets for some people...
Grin
It was an offer to me as well.

MarshaBradyo · 07/01/2020 19:04

He was pretty clear when he said do you want another red wine to gf. He was just looking after his gf and himself. Cheapy.

Original poster
SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 19:04

@TabbyMumz his girlfriend isn’t tight at all, but it wasn’t her who bought that next round, it was one of the friends there without her partner.

I do understand rounds can be a pain - this group of friends we always do rounds so didn’t think anything of it on this occasion but he could be someone who prefers not to.

I don’t “struggle to understand the concept of regional dialect”. I took the phrase a certain way, asked on mumsnet, and then seeing the responses accepted it means different things to other people than it did to me.

OP posts:
DesLynamsMoustache · 07/01/2020 19:05

Anyone else mentally sorting people into who they would and would not like to go for a drink with? Grin

CallofDoodee · 07/01/2020 19:05

I don't think it's anything to do with regional dialect, it depends on the situation. 'Are you alright for a drink' is perfectly acceptable where I am from, but only in certain contexts.

If you actually owe someone a drink because they have bought one/you are in a round with them, then the onus is on you to actively ask what they want, to assume that they know you will be buying them a drink so the only question you need to ask is what you need to buy them.

The onus is not on them to have to say 'no actually I'm not alright for a drink', for them to actively have to ask for one. Its rude!

paranoidmum2 · 07/01/2020 19:05

@UnderTheButtNutHut

Well, not really considering those that said YABU would have just asked for a drink. His strategy only works if people like the OP think he isn't offering and don't ask for a drink.

Given the number of MNers who describe themselves as 'non-confrontational' and 'people pleasers', I doubt many voting YABU would have asked for a drink.

CallofDoodee · 07/01/2020 19:05

Anyone else mentally sorting people into who they would and would not like to go for a drink with?

Yes Wink

MarshaBradyo · 07/01/2020 19:06

Yep someone who will get their round without shirking.

user1493494961 · 07/01/2020 19:06

I agree with you, he wasn't really offering, he was expecting you to say you were OK. If there's a next time, take him up on his half offer!

MaybeDoctor · 07/01/2020 19:06

I think rounds are archaic in these days of contactless payments etc and have the potential to cause all kinds of awkwardness.

It was fine in the 1950s when you had a group of 4 people going to their local pub at the same time after work, each drinking a beer. If a beer debt built up it could be settled the next time they were in the pub.

These days people are more likely to arrive at different times, leave at different times, not be drinking, be drinking completely different things...somebody decides to order food, someone asks a friend to join the group - it all goes haywire and someone inevitably ends up feeling hard done by.

MarshaBradyo · 07/01/2020 19:07

If he does it again make sure you all ask for what you want

Lockheart · 07/01/2020 19:09

For everyone who is confused as to how to respond to "are you alright for a drink?", generally "I'll have another Fosters/g&t/whatever please mate" suffices.

fedup21 · 07/01/2020 19:11

He was pretty clear when he said do you want another red wine to gf. He was just looking after his gf and himself.

I agree. Watch him carefully next time!

CallofDoodee · 07/01/2020 19:11

It's the difference between them putting their hand on your arm and saying "Please tell me what I can do to help you - anything at all to lighten your load a little" and calling behind them "Let me know if I can do anything" as they're walking away.

Yes! 'Let me know if I can do anything' is not an offer of help, it's just a platitude. Everyone who has ever actually been in a situation of needing help knows that.

MarshaBradyo · 07/01/2020 19:12

You’ll find out next time if he keeps walking whilst you all state your order ;