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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

302 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 13:36

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

OP posts:
Deedadada · 07/01/2020 17:08

Bet she won’t end up eating in her hotel room though . It’s one hinting in a message you don’t want her there but telling her to her face will be difficult if she puts you on the spot

ExhaustedGrinch · 07/01/2020 17:16

It wouldn't bother me given that's she's 18 but I can understand why it would bother others. However the passive aggressive messages from the group are infantile, you should have just been upfront and clear instead of making snipey little comments.

MaintainTheMolehill · 07/01/2020 17:19

I must just be very laid back. A husband coming would change the dynamics as you would feel a bit strange talking about 'girl stuff'

At 18 though I had a wide range of friends from 28 to 60, some of those were my Mums friends and I loved sitting listening to them. I knew my place though.

I feel really sad for the girl and puzzled as to why this is such a big deal. I also hope the OP has changed some of the details because if I were her friend and read this thread I would be gutted my friends felt that way.

We are all different I suppose.

Juliette20 · 07/01/2020 17:24

Have to say I wouldn't be bothered by another adult being there, as long as she joined in the fun.

FrancisCrawford · 07/01/2020 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnomeStar · 07/01/2020 17:32

It wouldn't bother me given that's she's 18 but I can understand why it would bother others. However the passive aggressive messages from the group are infantile, you should have just been upfront and clear instead of making snipey little comments

Agreed, made me cringe a bit.

People on mumsnet seem to overthink this kind of thing a lot (I guess that's the nature of an internet forum, since anyone not overthinking it wouldn't be making a thread online). If none of you had any plans to go sightseeing then your friend probably knew that and wanted to combine the trip into sightseeing with her daughter when not catching up with old friends. Don't see what's wrong with that.

Molly2016 · 07/01/2020 17:33

I don’t understand why some people can’t leave the house without one of their children attached to their hip.
YANBU for being annoyed. Let’s hope she gets the hint and her child being their doesn’t ruin the dynamic, although I can’t help but think that while she is sightseeing with her daughter the conversation will turn to why has she brought her child.

FlickingVees · 07/01/2020 17:33

Wow, @Misscromwellrocks anyone would think you own Paris and it’s for your exclusive use.

Of course she can bring her DD. Amazed that posters think they can instruct another two adults what they can do, where they can go and when.

Tbh, maybe your mate finds you all very boring at this stage of her life, harping back to college, and old places you used to see when you were young... and not going to see anything new or cultural. There are amazing museums, galleries and shows in Paris. Going back to the same old haunts sounds like you’ve all given up on yourselves.

Times change. You mate sounds like she’s the only one who’s got the memo.

billy1966 · 07/01/2020 17:34

I wouldn't for a minute think this is definitely sorted.

Someone who is devious enough to book and pay for their child to join a reunion without mentioning it, and then presenting it as a done deal is quite capable or changing the goalposts again!

FlickingVees · 07/01/2020 17:36

@Molly2016, an 18 year old is an adult.

This is not a case of “bringing a child” to an adults event.
The 18 year old can go where she likes and do what she wants.

Roussette · 07/01/2020 17:37

I don’t understand why some people can’t leave the house without one of their children attached to their hip

^^ This.

As I said before my adult DCs wouldn't want me crashing into their weekends away with their friends and vice versa.

Of course she can bring her DD. Amazed that posters think they can instruct another two adults what they can do, where they can go and when

Without even asking? Shock
I have a reunion with old friends every year, a night away etc. We are childhood friends, we have a blast. If one of them rolled up with one of their teens, the rest of us would be hacked off.

Bubs101 · 07/01/2020 17:37

I completely understand why your annoyed OP, and 18 is still very much a child in my eyes especially when she's with women over twice her age, whereas 28 would be very different. But sounds like you've done the right thing, and I don't think it's mean spirited. Your friend put you in a very awkward situation and you tried your best to navigate it fairly. And it's rude and inconsiderate to bring someone else along to an already organised trip, who is so way out of the dynamic you know it's not going to be the same with her their. So don't feel bad.

Motoko · 07/01/2020 17:37

It doesn't matter if it wouldn't bother you, it clearly bothers OP and her friends, and it would bother a lot of other people too, as evidenced by the replies.

Manners dictate that you don't just unilaterally decide to add another person on a trip, without first consulting the others, and if they don't like the idea, then you either don't go, or you don't take the other person along.

OP, I can't see her DD wanting to spend the night in a foreign city, alone. I know I would have felt lonely and vulnerable at 18. It wouldn't surprise me if she ends up tagging along.

FlickingVees · 07/01/2020 17:40

“devious”... really...
Listen to yourself @Billy1966

And 18 year old is an adult and can go where she pleases.

PearTreeParty · 07/01/2020 17:42

@FlickingVees Oh come on. This is not arrogance or being 'stuck in your ways'. Stop trying to make it something it isn't.

A group of people are having a reunion. Of course they will talk about the past - so what?

Someone from outside the friendship group, WILL change the dynamic, if only because, out of politeness and deference to the DD, the conversation will endlessly be peppered with apologies for talking about things that exclude the DD and an effort to change the subject.

It changes the atmosphere and that's selfish.

Dio23489432489234 · 07/01/2020 17:42

I've never had a "reunion holiday" myself... were you expecting to be all together 24/7, OP? Cos if it was more about dinner and drinks for a few evenings, then surely it makes sense to bring someone else for sightseeing during the day? Especially if it's so known that the group does NOT want to sightsee.

Motoko · 07/01/2020 17:45

I’d message back “Hope you will be able to join us for more than the meal, Dear Friend. We were all looking forward to spending time together as a group and will miss you”

Nooo! That would mean the DD would be spending more time with them. They don't want the DD there at all, at least if her and her mum are out sightseeing all day, they don't have to put up with her.

I would have replied to the mum's first message to say "Err, that wasn't the plan. That changes things."

BlaueLagune · 07/01/2020 17:46

I was there last month and there were rail/air and bus strikes so getting around to see the sights on public transport might be problematic if that's the plan

You see a lot more walking anyway.

SerendipityJane · 07/01/2020 17:46

The 18 year old can go where she likes and do what she wants.

Depending on the 18 year old. Especially in a foreign city if they don't speak the language. Personally I loved (and still do) mooching around on my own - no matter where. But I am very aware I might be odd.

katseyes7 · 07/01/2020 17:47

One of my friends used to do this with her 20 something year old daughter. We'd have made arrangements to do something, when l arrived at her house she'd announce "XXXX is coming with us, you don't mind, do you?"
What can you say when XXXX is standing there?
What used to annoy me was that if XXXX had arranged to go out with her friends and her mum had wanted to go, she'd have gone mad. We'd go shopping, and when XXXX had seen what she wanted to look at, she started moaning and wanting to go home. Even though her mum and l wanted to go to other places.
The final straw was when l'd said l'd take my friend to the hospital for her post surgery check up on my day off. l had had other things planned, but as she couldn't drive (elbow surgery) l'd said l'd take her. When l got there, XXXX was there too (she could drive and had her own car) and my friend said "oh, XXXX is going to come with us as well."
So l didn't actually need to be there. XXXX could have taken her mother to the hospital.
l'm afraid a holiday is a whole new level. She's cheeky to do this without even consulting anyone else. l think you all need to get together and say something if you're not happy about it.

FlickingVees · 07/01/2020 17:48

Ok I take your point that in your opinion an 18 year old is a child... but we have to acknowledge that the woman who is bringing the 18 year old is the only qualified judge of her.
She has said that the 18 year old will be happy to give the old fogeys meal a swerve.

No doubt the woman will enjoy her weekend seeing all Paris has to offer with her dd, and only having to spend one meal with her old mates from college.

I know I’d probably bring my fiercely independent dd as well, for a bit of interesting company..

Still can’t believe you think anyone “owns” the trip and that any deviation is legitimate reason for pearl clutching and righteous outrage.

Live and let live y’all.

BlaueLagune · 07/01/2020 17:48

At that age my DD would rather have stuck pins in her eyes than spend 24 hrs a day in the company of a load of old bats

At 18, I was still at the age where my parents were excruciatingly embarrassing. Although I think times have changed and teens like to spend more time with their parents now.

Dio23489432489234 · 07/01/2020 17:52

I would not assume the DD will be hanging out with you for the aforementioned reason that most 18-year-olds would have zero interest in hanging out with their mum's friends all day/night.

Roussette · 07/01/2020 17:57

I know I’d probably bring my fiercely independent dd as well, for a bit of interesting company

Would you ask your friends if that was OK?

Branleuse · 07/01/2020 17:59

i think the friend is making a clear statement that she would like to see you, but doesnt want to spend an entire weekend just with you guys, and is bringing her dd so its not as intense for her. That would be my take on it. Not that she was going to expect her teenager to be involved in all your conversations.
I think you need to just plan stuff as though shes not there. It would be cheeky if you were all in the same apartment, but hotels with seperate rooms is a bit different.

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