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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

302 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 13:36

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

OP posts:
Hatetheendof · 07/01/2020 21:25

Can't believe anyone would invite ANYONE else - totally changes the dynamics, I wouldn't want her there at all tbh

Roussette · 07/01/2020 21:28

So is it OK to bring a girlfriend that none of the group know? Is that OK?

(It's not AFAIC).

I just find it beyond weird. I am just imagining taking my DD with me when I meet up with my friends for the yearly break we have. They'd think I'd lost the plot! Because we value the time just us together

MsTSwift · 07/01/2020 21:40

Exactly Rousette. It would make me question the friendship tbh. If this adoring mummy doesn’t want to be invited on future trips she’s going about it the right way!

Vikingess · 07/01/2020 22:40

This reply has been deleted

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MulticolourMophead · 08/01/2020 01:58

OP isn't the only one who doesn't want the DD there, and there's no guarantee that the DD is stimulating company.

This is a reunion trip, they rarely meet up, and the group will want to talk freely, which you can't do if one of you has brought your child along. No matter that this child is 18, there's a number of things I'd talk to friends about, but would.never talk about in front of my DD.

Greenpolkadot · 08/01/2020 05:40

Does the '' fiercely independent DD '' get a round of drinks in... Or pay her share of the restaurant bill?

Fiercely independent ffs

bubblesforlife · 08/01/2020 05:51

@Vikingess, that’s unnecessarily harsh.
Don’t respond to a thread if you’ve nothing helpful to add.

hopefulhalf · 08/01/2020 06:08

It always amazes me on mumsnet people seem to have unlimited resources in every sense. These breezy comments about taking the Dd another time, do many of you really live in a world where you have the opportunity for multiple city breaks (with the attendant costs, annual leave and childcare) each year ?.
We are well off, but I would struggle to defend visiting a destination I knew one of my DCs very much wanted to see without them.

hopefulhalf · 08/01/2020 06:33

Dd or DS (13&15) would be perfectly happy in a hotel room with WiFi satalite TV and takeaway pizza and would rather this than a long boring meal.

Motoko · 08/01/2020 07:38

13 and 15 is different to 18.

MzHz · 08/01/2020 07:44

@hopefulhalf, there’s nothing stopping your kids going somewhere they want to go when they are old enough to take themselves.

They have a whole life ahead of them, a vast chunk of it we won’t even see!

It’s absolutely not on to bring kids to a girly uni reunion trip and expect everyone else to lump it.

My money is that the other friend on the WhatsApp thing is one of us equally put out!

Aderyn19 · 08/01/2020 07:54

Being 18 doesn't give you the right to go exactly where you want. By that logic it would be okay to crash other people's wedding receptions/birthday parties etc.

Seeing friends should mean just seeing friends. If their company isn't stimulating enough, maybe give the whole thing a miss rather than wreck it for other people

SerenDippitty · 08/01/2020 08:01

I went to a university reunion with my mother when I was 18 or 19. This wasn’t an informal weekend away but an event organised by the alumni organisation my mum was a member of. I can’t now think why I wanted to go but I was a bit odd as a teenager and now suspect ai might be autistic.

I think your friend has been rude.

hopefulhalf · 08/01/2020 08:05

Fair enough, if it was me though and I knew my DC really wanted to go, i wouldn't go without them as there wouldn't be time and money to take them separately.

Roussette · 08/01/2020 08:09

We are well off, but I would struggle to defend visiting a destination I knew one of my DCs very much wanted to see without them

hopefulhalf You are joking, right? So you can't go anywhere with your friends if one of your DCs fancies going there too?

What happened to... 'you'll have your chance when you're older and earning good money to go to Paris with your friends. These are old friends of mine and we are off on a city break'

No wonder kids are so bloody entitled nowadays. I had a spell of visiting major europen cities for a weekend with my friends, once a year, it was our much needed break and there was no thought of kids coming along.

One of my DCs has the travel bug. She has been to more countries and places than me, she works hard to save up and travel. Should I gatecrash her trips because I want to go to these places too?

Roussette · 08/01/2020 08:12

Fair enough, if it was me though and I knew my DC really wanted to go, i wouldn't go without them as there wouldn't be time and money to take them separately

What about waiting until they can afford to go themselves like my DC? She's late 20s and been to numerous places all over the world. Do we totally put our lives on hold for our children all the time, even when they're teens?

hopefulhalf · 08/01/2020 08:16

We are a family, noone's wishes are given more importance or weight than anyone elses. One person (me) using a disproportionate share of our family resources to fufil an individualistic need for "me time" or a "lad's trip" is unacceptable to me unless all the other family members get their turn.

It's like paying several thousand for 1 DC to go to Costa Rica with the school and everyone else doesn't get a holiday that year.

hopefulhalf · 08/01/2020 08:20

I was assuming the 18 yo was still in education living at home.

Roussette · 08/01/2020 08:22

We are a family too . (Our DCs are adult now and independent). You said you were well off and I suppose I would say we were comfortable too when our kids were younger.

I worked hard and earned money to enable me to have a yearly treat with my girlfriends. Sometimes kids have to wait until it is their turn to be earning and treating themselves and mine never ever begrudged me this.
As teens they had a part time jobs and saved up for the things they wanted.

hopefulhalf · 08/01/2020 08:24

18 years of prioritising other's needs( or just giving them equal weight to. my own) isn't a huge deal in the 60 years of adulthood.

Roussette · 08/01/2020 08:37

We can agree to differ hopefulhalf. I wanted my DCs to have aspirations and aims and know that if you work hard you too can bugger off on a trip with your girlfriends when you want!

I am sure you do the same but in a different way. It depends on the character and dynamic of the family, it worked for us. As I said, my DCs have now all been to places I'm envious of, they are working hard and reaping the benefits of travel. It's a very short time they are dependents (hopefully) and they can make their own plans.

South Korea sounds fab, it's on my bucket list, one of the DCs went last year

IrmaFayLear · 08/01/2020 09:23

Some people - well, to be fair, only a few - simply don't get that you do not spoil other people's plans .

So what if your 18-year-old wants to see Paris/is a sparkling wit/ is - fiercely independent - they were not invited on a trip that is specifically a university reunion. Is it ok if someone springs their dh on the party? Or their pensioner parents?

I think we have evidence here on this thread of the people who would do this type of thing - and can't fathom why it is so rude and thoughtless. Hides of rhinos !

meercat23 · 08/01/2020 09:31

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with including the 18 year old if everyone else is OK with it. The problem I see here is that everyone else was told rather than asked. No opportunity to say that they would rather not or even to enquire how it would work.

Clearly from the comment of the OP and the message sent by the other friend, everyone else is not OK with it. They were faced with the choice of saying nothing and putting up with it or registering their views and risking a falling out.

To the PPs who have said that they see nothing wrong with what has happened and would be happy to take their own DC along on such a trip I ask, would they do so without consulting their friends first?

Roussette · 08/01/2020 09:32

I value my friendships too much and wouldn't want to upset them. Not everyone finds my children as enchanting as I do !

Crazycrazylady · 08/01/2020 11:02

Totally agree. At the very least she should have floated the idea instead of announcing it as a fait accompli!