Going LC if they don't help out - AIBU?

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

This is a theoretical question as it hasn't happened yet, but I'd like to know what others would do in this situation.

Bottom line is that my SM is seriously ill and it's going to be a difficult year. My DF already isn't coping well and I know I'll need to spend significant time with them to help out. I may have to quit my job to do this.

IL's are in good health but show little interest in their GC (our DC). I've already said to DH that if I need to go away for several weeks during the summer hols, we should perhaps ask them whether they can have the DC for a week and then we'll cobble together some additional backup with friends (luckily we have some good ones who'll help out, but of course, they all have their own jobs and DC so there's a limit to what can be asked).

I have a nasty feeling that my IL's are going to refuse to help in any way, as they have form for this. If this happens, I'm tempted to go LC or even NC, although my DH will obviously keep in touch if he wants to. Essentially, I'll stop bothering with them and not visit anymore.

I know this sounds extreme, but they do help out other people, it's just their GC (and by extension, DH) who seem to be at the bottom of the heap! His sister, for example, is frequently helped and supported.

WWYD? I just feel that in a real crisis, family should pull together if they can - and if they won't, well, they're not really family anymore.

Yes, I'm slightly bitter! I don't dwell on it most of the time and they may surprise us, but I doubt it.

My PIL are both equally uninfected and disinterested in our kids. FIL and SM activity avoid them tbh.

You cant make anyone love anyone. I just let it go over my head knowing one day my kids will be adults and then probably unlikely to know them in return.

If they help out SIL I can see why you might be aggrieved

Are they kind in other ways?

Why would you want your children to spend a week with people who have little interest in them?

I know, I don't want to blackmail them and that's why it's bothering me.

But, I also feel that refusing to help out in a real crisis like this would be the final nail in the coffin. It would show that they really don't give a toss!

@ Upso WWYD then if they refused to help out then? Would you carry on as normal?

How old are the children?

I don't know why so many people have voted to say YABU, because in my opinion you absolutely are not being unreasonable!

I am the type of person who is family focused, whether that means driving them somewhere at ridiculous times, miles away from where I live, or taking them to hospital appointments or for treatment, or looking after the children, or visiting elderly members of the family and doing their shopping, and bits around the house for them, in my eyes, it's what families do.
It actually hurts to see so many people who are NC with their families, but I understand that if they are negatively impacting on your own life, and happiness, then unfortunately sometimes it's for the best in the long run, as long as you are 100% sure that you will have no regrets should anything happen to them.

YANBU to realise ILs are awful, YABU to cut them off for life.

Going NC or LC is only really for abuse, and they haven't. On the upside, you won't have to lift a finger for them when they get old and ill.

@lovemenorca It would be a desperate step as DH has limited annual leave and school holidays here in the US are 12 weeks! I just don't know what else we'd do.

They'd be nice enough if they agreed to have them, they're not awful people, but they just don't seem as bothered about DH and his family as they are some of his siblings.

It’s all a bit hypothetical though, isn’t it?

I have been there with an ill parent and to be honest, going away for weeks when you have your own kids isn’t practical and especially giving up a job to do so. Think very carefully about that. I took sick leave when I was caring for my own mum but no way would I have left my job.

And blackmailing family isn’t fair.

I’m sorry but you are being a bit irrational. Many grandparents find young children exhausting and would not want to look after them for a week. You can’t then punish them for it by limiting other contact. You will also look petty. The arrangement whereby you have to arrange for other people to look after your kids for long periods and give up your job also sounds crazy, could you not line up some carers or a short term visit to a residential care facility to mean that you’re not there for more than a few days? It sounds like you’re a bit stressed and not necessarily thinking completely rationally.

It's only blackmail if OP actually threatens them with LC. She hasn't said she will do this.

I understand where you're coming from, OP. I don't think it's good to have family feuds because it just causes so much stress and unpleasantness, but I would definitely pull back and reduce the amount of energy, time, emotion etc that I put into a relationship with ILs like that. I agree that family should care enough to help each other out at times of crisis.

You sound awful. You’re entitled to ask and they are entitled to say no.

If it were me, I would help in a heartbeat, however they are different and I wouldn’t judge them or get nasty the way you’re getting.

So Yes, do go NC with them, they would be better off without someone like you in their life.

I really dislike this transactional attitude a lot of people have towards DPs and ILs nowadays.

All this "you won't do free childcare for me so I won't visit you in a home when you're old etc". How selfish and nasty. You've given us no context to show whether more widely they're nice to you or not. They may do more for your SIL - maybe she lives nearer? Maybe she's more grateful?

Grow up. You'll be sorry if your kids treat you the same way.

If your SM is seriously ill have you looked into the possibility of social care to support your DF OP? Quitting your job sounds not ideal. Or could your DH not get parental leave? It might be good to look into other options rather than leaving your job, and relying on your in-laws if you have concerns about their level of interest in your kids.

They're 14 and 11 so not little kids.

This is more about what @Retroflex is sayingI have friends who'd definitely help out as they are able (and I help them out as well) but it's that nasty feeling of realising that your family don't give a toss!

I just don't know whether I could be the same towards them if they refuse to offer any support at all. It would be like seeing their true colours.

But it’s a big ask. It’s not about not giving a toss.

And you haven’t even asked them, you are getting annoyed about something that hasn’t happened.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect families to.pull together in times of crisis.
I'd also expect DH's siblings to step-up.
Am sure if there was problems with them and their families then you would offer to help with childcare where you could.
Yanbu

If your children are 14 and 11 they should be ok on their own for a while until your husband gets home.
How about asking them to help you out in a dire situation. Maybe they’ll step up to the task of keeping an eye on them.

My PIL are exactly the same. I only see them as much or as often as DH wants to. I’d rather never have to see them. YANBU to feel that way

@OrangeHue I take your point.

It's just miserable to realise that we can't ask them even in a crisis, IYSWIM. DH's brother lives in another country and they constantly FaceTime and text him - but DH has to ring them if he wants contact! His sister gets regular visits.

Re. My SM and DF. DF has mental and physical health issues so it's a complicated situation. I definitely want to arrange additional support but I'll need to be there as emotional support as well.

You seem to be jumping the gun a bit with talk of quitting your job and spending extended periods of time away. Do you have siblings, or does your SM have children? Does she have other family who can help out? Why is it falling to you to look after her?
If you do go you cannot expect that your PIL will help out with the kids. In fairness they're hardly babies. Couldn't they spend the few hours home alone while Dh is at work? Ask a neighbour/friend to be on standby if they need anything.

I’d look at getting help in or sharing the load with her family.

Quitting your job and needing childcare for weeks on end seems a huge move.

Going LC because they won’t provide childcare seems really wrong. They are not obliged too and the children aren’t their responsibility.

@ VestaTilley I don't like transactional relationships either, but the thing is that my children know that in a crisis, I'd be there for them - I knew that with my DM as well.

It's a nasty feeling when you realise they aren't. And yes, I know it's theoretical, but we had another health crisis a few years back and they were stand-offish then, basically cut contact until it was all over.