Going LC if they don't help out - AIBU?

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

This is a theoretical question as it hasn't happened yet, but I'd like to know what others would do in this situation.

Bottom line is that my SM is seriously ill and it's going to be a difficult year. My DF already isn't coping well and I know I'll need to spend significant time with them to help out. I may have to quit my job to do this.

IL's are in good health but show little interest in their GC (our DC). I've already said to DH that if I need to go away for several weeks during the summer hols, we should perhaps ask them whether they can have the DC for a week and then we'll cobble together some additional backup with friends (luckily we have some good ones who'll help out, but of course, they all have their own jobs and DC so there's a limit to what can be asked).

I have a nasty feeling that my IL's are going to refuse to help in any way, as they have form for this. If this happens, I'm tempted to go LC or even NC, although my DH will obviously keep in touch if he wants to. Essentially, I'll stop bothering with them and not visit anymore.

I know this sounds extreme, but they do help out other people, it's just their GC (and by extension, DH) who seem to be at the bottom of the heap! His sister, for example, is frequently helped and supported.

WWYD? I just feel that in a real crisis, family should pull together if they can - and if they won't, well, they're not really family anymore.

Yes, I'm slightly bitter! I don't dwell on it most of the time and they may surprise us, but I doubt it.

@YummyChipCurryDip I'd gladly take the DC with me but unfortunately, my Dad's behaviour when he's mentally unwell can be scary. Everything from inappropriate comments to suicide attempts. I really don't want to expose them to that.

@Leaannb The above is why I feel that this situation is a crisis. One partner ill with cancer; the other mentally ill. If my DF was a stable person, this would be far easier to manage.

Why would a 12 and 15 yr old need babysat whilst their dad is at work? Surely they’re self sufficient if not now is the time to train them up.

I dont think OP has said they dote on one set of GC. She said the inlaws hang out with one of her dhs siblings doing odd jobs and pet sittting. That isnt doting on GCs or looking after them.

@arethereanyleftatall Sorry, I meant to answer this question.

Yes, we could leave them alone during the day and I'll definitely do this. I would prefer not to do this for 3 weeks, for example, but it could be done.

The whole week at the in-laws idea was just one way to make it slightly easier for DH and perhaps they'd all actually enjoy spending time together for a change.

It then got me thinking about how they've treated DH and the DC up to now - and wonder whether it's worth making further efforts with them if they pretend nothing's happening, as they have in the past.

Why are you hypothesising over something which may never happen? DF and SM may not need your help in the summer. Your ILs may not refuse to look after your DCs. You’re wasting a load of mental energy completely unnecessarily. Concentrate on the here and now.

@sweeneytoddsrazor I didn't mention that they drive 180 miles round trip to pet sit for a couple of days.

I'd say that was really putting yourself out for someone!

All you people saying “why would the teens need to be babysat” ... the summer 12 weeks long! Fine for them to mooch about some weeks, but most people would be looking for something to occupy their kids for some of those 12 weeks, surely? Unless you’re all in favour of a quarter of the year bring lie ins, convenience food and screen time?

As they’re teens they aren’t going to require a great deal of energy from their grandparents so I also can’t understand why everyone’s giving you a hard time about that!

OP, just get your DH to ask. Worst case they’re unenthusiastic. Meh. You’ll find a different plan.

I understand. My FIL and wife were the “you never call us” types to my DH, whilst never calling him and gracing us with a 2-hour slot 2 or 3 times a year for lunch. My mum is an amazing grandparent. Both FIL and my DM got cancer diagnoses not too far apart. It feels crap to compare but life makes you do sometimes and it can make you really angry.

@ Catsandchardonnay Yes, I'm hypothesizing in a safe space because I wanted to find out whether I was being unreasonable asking (and hoping) for some support from my IL's.

It sounds as if I am. The reason I asked is that DH and I have behaved differently when close friends or family experienced illness. As do most of our friends. Is it worth making an effort with people who don't?

That's what usually happens unless they go away to camp for a week. Personally my kids and their friends hang out all night and sleep all day. They wake up about 4 or 5 pm and eat, they then ride their bikes, go swimming, set up tents etc...Its too damn hot to do anything else

I don’t agree that NC or LC are only for abuse situations, or that OP is suggesting some kind of blackmail.

I see it that she’d be taking the lead of the in-laws to limit efforts and regular contact on their behalf. Chances are they wouldn’t even notice it’d happened for some time!

I’d likely ask them directly for particular week(s) hosting the kids, specifying why and that it’s a bit of a family emergency situation. I’d do it myself to ensure they saw my whole picture clearly, and had the best chance of offering help. I’d give them a couple of days to come up with something, not just expect anything on the spot.

Once I’d ticked off that list, and if they said no or didn’t come back with offers of help, I’d probably respond with a carefully crafted (brief) sentence that expressed my disappointment. Honestly it’d be hard not to be a bit pointed and state ‘We’re sorry to hear you can’t help out with this difficult time. We accept that not everyone sees family as we do. Equally, we hope you understand that our focus will have to be on this side of things from now on.’ Then let your DH decide if he wants to put any efforts into them. Let him convince your kids to go along, send cards, Skype, etc. Just shrug and stay out of it.

Pretty short sighted of your in-laws, I must say. A DIL with a good heart, sense of family responsibility and a willingness to sacrifice herself to care for elders. They’ll regret that one, one day soon.

Good luck with your parents’ challenges, and don’t forget self care is crucial when you’re caring for others.

Why don't you just ask them and then you will be able to make some plans? All this hand-wringing over what will happen if they say "no" is useless, just ask them! And then, if they say "no", you can decide what to do, and if by all menas they surprise and step up and help, then you can stop obsessing about nothing.

I think you YANBU at all. And I'm one of the people who don't believe grandparents should be expected to look after DGC all the time. However, this is a time when people should help family if they can - and I realise the OP hasn't actually asked them yet, but I'm sure she knows a lot more about what their response is likely to be than anyone else here! I have a friend who has a similar type of family - two golden children and two who aren't bothered about much, and it is very unfair. They don't sound like people you would chose to have in your life OP, so fair enough to go LC or NC - and you said they don't bother much with your DC, so it's not as though you are stopping them having a meaningful relationship as it doesn't sound as though they have one anyway. I'm so sorry to hear about your SM and I hope everything goes well - it seems you might have a difficult time ahead.

How absolutely nasty of you. Why are you forcing people to take care of your children. They dont do much as is, why place your kids with people who dont bother? What does that say about you. Sounds like you want to make a bitter point.

So what if they are in good health, have all the free time. Why do you think you are entitle to any of it. You made a choice to go see to your dad and SM, why does this need to now impact everyone else and then you feel bitter about it?
A week is a massive ask in any case.

Can your children not go with you OP if it's school hols?
And if it's not school hols why would they need to stay anywhere else if their father can look after them in the evenings?
I don't understand why they need to stay in someone else's house

Sorry you're having such a hard time OP. Can your DH not take annual leave in the summer? You made it sound as if your ILs are still working, in which case I think it would BU to expect them to take their leave to babysit two children who don't need it. Your husband should be stepping up here to support you.

@NoSquirrels OP isn't going for 12 weeks though. She's going for a few weeks. So 2 or 3 weeks doing nothing during school hols isn't that big a deal.

There's little point talking about what people SHOULD do. People are all different. Yes, family SHOULD help each other out. But lots of families don't. There's no point saying I would do x, y and z for others, do that means others should do x, y and z too.

You have no control over anyone else. I mentioned my parents in law don't help out. So if I needed something I wouldn't even consider them. They wouldn't be an option.

It's upto you OP, but if you know they're not helpful, then thinking they SHOULD help isn't going to make a difference. Between you and your husband you'll figure something out. The summer is a long way away. Anything can change between now and then. Although probably not your in-laws.

Why would a 12 and 15 yr old need babysat whilst their dad is at work? Surely they’re self sufficient if not now is the time to train them up.

This ^^

I think “going LC” is maybe the wrong phrase. It sounds like a punishment, blackmail, in return for them not doing what you want.

That wbu. However simply not facilitating the relationship so much isn’t. Leave dh and the kids to comminicate and make arrangements, be nice when you see them etc. The kids are old enough now to choose how much time they want to spend with them.

On a separate note- please talk to work before you quit. There are options, unpaid leave, career break, that means you could take time off but have a job to return to.

Who gets 12 weeks off for summer?

Americans. She already said she was in the US and ira well know they get huge summer holidays.

It’s not that OP expects the support in a blackmail way, it’s the realisation that the PIL don’t care to help if a crisis happens. I don’t expect my PIL to babysit ever but considering we live less than 500m from them I expected them to come and meet our new baby (even 5mins visit would have been fine) but they never called and it took them a month to visit! He’s now 11 weeks and they haven’t been back. It kills my DH! I think it’s that sort of relationship that OP is upset by. Thoughtlessness and the lack of a family behind you from both sides.

Fair enough to be upset by how the relationship seems to be

Rather less fair to set them up to fail - ask them to do something they won't wish to do, and then go 'LC/NC' when they refuse

@bluegreygreen

Exactly.

A generally distant relationship. And yet the OP is now throwing down the gauntlet - have my two older children for a week or LC

But presumably always low contact if they are disinterested grandparents?

This is a bit outrageous. No one is entitled to get childcare from ILs. There can be many many reasons why grandparents dont want to take on big child care loads. If they offer fine, but you have no right to ask. This has absolutely nothing to do with love as one silly poster wrote. I can understand your dilemma, but just because you want to do this caring, does not mean someone else should take up your caring responsibilties. They are your children. If you behave like this it is quite likely they will want less contact with you!