Going LC if they don't help out - AIBU?

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

This is a theoretical question as it hasn't happened yet, but I'd like to know what others would do in this situation.

Bottom line is that my SM is seriously ill and it's going to be a difficult year. My DF already isn't coping well and I know I'll need to spend significant time with them to help out. I may have to quit my job to do this.

IL's are in good health but show little interest in their GC (our DC). I've already said to DH that if I need to go away for several weeks during the summer hols, we should perhaps ask them whether they can have the DC for a week and then we'll cobble together some additional backup with friends (luckily we have some good ones who'll help out, but of course, they all have their own jobs and DC so there's a limit to what can be asked).

I have a nasty feeling that my IL's are going to refuse to help in any way, as they have form for this. If this happens, I'm tempted to go LC or even NC, although my DH will obviously keep in touch if he wants to. Essentially, I'll stop bothering with them and not visit anymore.

I know this sounds extreme, but they do help out other people, it's just their GC (and by extension, DH) who seem to be at the bottom of the heap! His sister, for example, is frequently helped and supported.

WWYD? I just feel that in a real crisis, family should pull together if they can - and if they won't, well, they're not really family anymore.

Yes, I'm slightly bitter! I don't dwell on it most of the time and they may surprise us, but I doubt it.

I really do think your attitude of either they, the PILs, help with the DC or they don't get to see them and you wont bother with them is blackmail. You cant force people to do what you want. And you certainly cant ad "or else" to that demand.

I think that you have to look longer term than this- quitting your job is not going to be a long-term solution. Rather than waiting for a full-blown crisis to hit, can you begin to get support packages in place now?

If you need to go away during school holidays, could the children come with you?

I think PPs have picked up on your LC suggestion as a punishment inflicted by you if the ILs refuse to help. Blackmailing them isn't the answer, but on the other hand it seems reasonable to let them take the lead in organising visits etc if you have your hands full with other family issues.

Are your iLs retired and in good health? Do they have the time, space, and, more importantly, the energy to host the DGC for 'several weeks' during summer? That's really asking a lot!

I'm in the US. My DC are adults now but when they were younger there were Summer day camps run by the YMCA, the Parks & Rec Dept, and various churches that we used for summer care. My parents (Dad in ill health) took each of our boys one at a time for a week or so to stay with them during the summer, but that was at their request not ours. By 14 DS1 was staying at home by himself, we checked up on him during the day by phone, and he did fine.

I think you're looking for a reason to go LC. Grandparents are allowed to dictate the level of their relationship with their DGC, for good or ill. If you aren't happy with the level of their involvement, then go LC for that reason. Not because they wouldn't be your 'back up plan'.

Using your children as a tool is never a good idea.

@TheBouquets I honestly don't want to blackmail my IL's, what I'm really asking is whether it's worth continuing to make an effort with them when they don't appear to be very interested in our family?

If a friend never called or texted me back, I'd back off - perhaps I should do the same with them?

I think I'll give up on asking for a week in the summer, sounds like it's not a good idea.

Can you take the kids with you?

"I may have to quit my job to do this." Erm... Why is it on you to do this to help? Don't be stupid. Unless you can walk back in to your job after then this is really not a great idea. There are other ways to help.

Why the fuck should they look after your kids for a week? What’s wrong with you?! And if they don’t you’ll ditch them?

I can see why they hang out with the other sibling.

My FIL has very little to do with my kids. We don’t bother with him and my kids don’t know him.

But I wouldn’t then ask for babysitting then use a refusal as a reason to go LC.

Why do something that will annoy you?

And like I said, I have been there. I was off work caring for my mother with brain cancer but I still had to take care of my kids at the same time.

I just feel that in a real crisis, family should pull together if they can - and if they won't, well, they're not really family anymore

YANBU. Fuck them off if they don't help in exceptional circumstances. If they can't be there for the bad, they don't get the good imo. Fair-weather GP can get to fuck.

@ AcrossthePond55 Yep, they're retired and in excellent health. They don't offer to host the DC.

There's no point trying to get them involved now, is there? I'm realising that I'm upset about my SM's illness (because she has been an involved grandparent) and so I'm getting angry with the indifferent ones.

It's not going to change anything.

@ TatianaLarina

Yes, they "hang out" with the other sibling doing odd jobs for her, cooking her meals and pet sitting for her.

The point is that they treat DH and his family completely differently.

Sorry, didn't mean to say I'm upset about SM's illness because she's an involved grandparent.

What I meant is that I'm upset about her illness and this makes me think about what a lovely person and grandparent she is- especially compared with my IL's. She's not even related to my DC and she seems to care more.

Look, you are getting hung up on their relationship they have with their daughter. I’m closer to my dad than my sister is, I go on holiday with him, he’s at mine for dinner frequently and he takes my youngest to the cinema etc. He probably spends more money on me.

But my sister doesn’t try to have that relationship with him, it’s a two way street.

I'd opt for taking them with you. I had to do the same when my father died and went to support my mother. Mine were much younger. At 12 and 15 they can actually be helpful.

I get where you’re coming from with the way you feel your family are at the bottom of the pecking order, but I feel this issue about the childcare thing is a red herring. It was my DHs birthday yesterday and he got neither a card or a call from his dm, whom he does so much for. She focuses all her energy on DHs alcoholic brother. I’m lc with her for the reason she treats DH so badly. I think most people on this thread would agree with you going LC for that reason, but seems a bit harsh re the childcare issue alone.

What is it with MN and in laws? If they try and have a relationship they are control freaks, should remember they have had their children etc. Yet if they dont drop everything when requested time to go NC. In laws according to MN world should be there immediately upon request then go crawl back in their hole until the next time their presence is requested.

And pet sitting is in no way comparible to childcare.

OP I get it. You are facing potentially horrible situation and trying to get organised in advance (although you cant really, what happens will happen) and I get the feeling that you feel as if it's all coming at once, there is no solid floor under your feet, and you are in a panic?

That's completely understandable. Try and take a bit of a step back, some deep breaths and try and think through the logistics - at least your kids are not littlies, they could come with you or stay home alone. You dont have to rely on the uninterested PIL, you will be able to work something out.

I'm sorry about your stepmum.

Would your hubby be able to ask his parents if they would be up for helping out. And if they say no for him to say something along the lines of

“I know they’d like to see you but I totally understand that you have your own lives too. We could sent them to camp but it’s sooo expensive. I know they enjoy it and it’s a shame for then to miss out because I don’t have the money. I wish I could get a hold if the $xxx it costs. Sigh”.

And see if the subtle hint is taken? I totally would. Have I have no financial pride when it comes to healthcare. Which this is related to. Sorry OP. Stay strong.

Op, you keep getting asked over and over again why on earth a (possibly) 15 yo and 12 yo would need looking after, during the day time whilst their father is at work. And, unless I've missed your response, you haven't responded. It's fairly pertinent to answer why, because lots of people can't get their head around it. Where I live in the uk it's absolutely normal to leave even a 10/11 yo for a good few hours on their own, and 14yos are used as paid babysitters.

Woah, you want your in laws who already have only little contact with your dc to have them for a week?!
Overnight on the odd occasion is one thing, what your suggesting is another!
Yabvu.
Why do your parents need your help so much? Surely there is carers and other help available?

Ok I might have missed it but have you actually asked them yet?
Sounds like you are getting all worked up about them not helping before they have even said yes or no.
You clearly don’t like them and it comes across that you are looking for a reason to go nc.

I'm not sure how anyone is calling this a crisis. A crisis is an emergency She is planning for ahead by 5 months for kids who are actually too old for babysitters and then plan on CO grandparents because they won't look after her half grown kids....OP you are being extremely,extremely unreasonable

I totally emphathise OP, despite the amount of posters saying you are awful etc or YABU. I think you cannot excuse ILs for doting on one set of grandchildren whilst ignoring the other side. We have a similar issue. I would try talking to them first and explain the situation but prepare to be rejected... Good luck!