Going LC if they don't help out - AIBU?

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

This is a theoretical question as it hasn't happened yet, but I'd like to know what others would do in this situation.

Bottom line is that my SM is seriously ill and it's going to be a difficult year. My DF already isn't coping well and I know I'll need to spend significant time with them to help out. I may have to quit my job to do this.

IL's are in good health but show little interest in their GC (our DC). I've already said to DH that if I need to go away for several weeks during the summer hols, we should perhaps ask them whether they can have the DC for a week and then we'll cobble together some additional backup with friends (luckily we have some good ones who'll help out, but of course, they all have their own jobs and DC so there's a limit to what can be asked).

I have a nasty feeling that my IL's are going to refuse to help in any way, as they have form for this. If this happens, I'm tempted to go LC or even NC, although my DH will obviously keep in touch if he wants to. Essentially, I'll stop bothering with them and not visit anymore.

I know this sounds extreme, but they do help out other people, it's just their GC (and by extension, DH) who seem to be at the bottom of the heap! His sister, for example, is frequently helped and supported.

WWYD? I just feel that in a real crisis, family should pull together if they can - and if they won't, well, they're not really family anymore.

Yes, I'm slightly bitter! I don't dwell on it most of the time and they may surprise us, but I doubt it.

The kids are old enough they can either go with you and help out/ occupy themselves, or be left with DH -they'll be fine if he's home in the evening for dinner etc.

I know this sounds extreme, but they do help out other people, it's just their GC (and by extension, DH) who seem to be at the bottom of the heap! His sister, for example, is frequently helped and supported

Same with my il's. I get the feeling it's the old gender bullshit- sil is a girl, so by helping her with the kids, washing, cleaning etc they are helping her as it's all wifework. DH is a man, his job is to earn the money and work, which they can't help with. So if they help out with out kids, babysit, etc, they are doing my work- ie they are helping, me, not dh. Doesn't matter that we both work full time and share the load at home.

my sill's kids would go to il's until they were 18 in the school holidays. honestly it was fucking ridiculous a 17 and 15 year old couldn't be left for a few hours while their mum was at work (part time so 9-1).

Mine are the same age as yours and manage fine by themselves.

Instead of giving up your job, wouldn't it make more sense to get support for your DF in place now? For example, getting an assessment to see if SM needs a carer, or even looking at the cost of one privately for a few hours a week. Or organising regular food deliveries and a cleaner so he can focus on caring for SM?

Your children are of the age where they don't necessarily need full-time looking after in the holidays. They'd probably hate spending a weekend at the grandparents if they're so disinterested.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Sadly people often don't come through when you need them to. Last year when my darling mum was dying of cancer and DH had to go away for a business trip, he asked his parents to come and help out. MIL came along, but FIL declined because he had a sports tournament. MIL was anxious and snappy with me the whole time because she is stressed without him due to various issues. It was pretty shit.
I'm generally very fond of my ILs and they do tend to help out with lots of other things, so I just brushed it away but it yours ignore you and your DH and even their GC, and if they won't help when you're in dire need, then what's the point in making an effort?

I don't think yabu, everyone gets to a point where you step back and think what's in this relationship for me, and it sounds like that where it is for you. The childcare is a catalyst for that? I would say either way gradually withdraw for own mental health, you have a lot going on with SM and DF, speak to your partner to get him to pick up the slack. But be wary of flouncing off as you become the bad person

You can’t blackmail people into helping with your kids

Oh leave it out. Wanting to go LC is almost the complete opposite of blackmail.

This is no different from many other relationships. Friendship or family should be a two way street. If you are putting in effort and getting nothing back or if you're expecting a lot and giving nothing then it's worth considering your approach going forward. It sounds as though your ILs don't want to make too much effort, so lower your expectations, reduce contact if you want and build your relationships with other family and friends where there is a more equal give and take.

To answer some questions:

My SM is a lovely person and has been so kind to my Dad. She's the only maternal Grandma my DC have known as my DM died years ago. We would all make a big effort to help her.

Her cancer is probably terminal, but if they can operate, it's a 3-6 month recovery period.

Re. My travel plans. I'll be going to them multiple times this year, but it's not as difficult during school terms so DH will manage. The long summer holiday is more challenging.

Re. Summer Camps. Yes, we use them, but they cost hundreds per week so there's a limit to how much we can do that. That's why most grandparents here have their GC to stay for a week or two.

I can see that I'm being hysterical here, this post has come after a miserable phone call with my SM and DF. She's so weak and he sounds like he's heading for (another) breakdown. She has little family on her side so I need to be there for them.

I don't dislike my IL's, we've always got on well. I suppose I've just realised that they're superficially nice, but they don't want to actively participate in our lives. They're happy to chat about nice things, but that's it.

I agree with the general sentiment that they ought to help you in a crisis, and I'm surprised that others don't. You have a right to feel put out and hurt by this. But I also agree with others who are saying that you are asking an awful lot. If you are going to make all of these sacrifices for your parents then sadly there will be issues like this quite a lot.

I don’t think YABU as all you are saying is that you will withdraw from facilitating a relationship with them. If your DH and his parents are bothered, they’ll have to take on that responsibility and ensure that contact happens.
All you’ve done is dump the emotional wife work as you’ve got other things to deal with.
Seems reasonable to me

I don't think yabu, everyone gets to a point where you step back and think what's in this relationship for me, and it sounds like that where it is for you.

@MotorwayDiva That's exactly what it is. There's that saying "You find out who your real friends are in a crisis" and as I'm thinking about whom I could turn to for help, I'm realising that my IL's aren't people we can turn to. It's rather upsetting, tbh, not at all the relationship I hoped we'd all have.

Sounds like it could be several months, and if I was your mil I would be reluctant to commit to looking after DCs long term and for weeks at a time, because although you suggest just a week, the reality is that it’s probably going to be significantly more. Could be many many months, with you calling on them for help, and older people just don’t have the stamina or energy to do what you’re asking. If you are disappointed in them, YANBU to feel that way, but YABU to suggest going NC with someone who by your own admission are generally pleasant people, just because they fall short in your expectations of them. None of us are perfect.

Firstly this is all theoretical anyway, as you haven't even asked them, but I have to disagree with your definition of a 'crisis'.
I am sorry your step mother is unwell, but this talk of you giving up your job and being away from home for 12 weeks of the holiday is all a bit dramatic.
There are lots of things you can do :
Help your Dad put a decent care plan in place.

Visit when you can.

Allow your dc to be at home without you (as their Dad is there morning and evening) - they are of an age where they are likely to sleep for most of the morning anyway, and then they can occupy themselves for the afternoon.
Take your dc with you.
Let them (or the younger one) stay at a mate's house - FAR nicer for him, and pretty easy for his friend's family.
Yes, do a camp for one week or two if need be.
Probably a combination of all these things.

So your children are of an age when they probably won't need full-time childcare and the treatment plan for your SM is not yet certain, yet you've already written your in-laws off? Wait and see OP, YABU.

Ywbu to cut off all contact because they don’t want to host your children for a whole week. That’s a lot for you to expect from them, even if your SM and dad are in difficulty. You may have sadness that the relationship isn’t what you’d like it to be, but it would be extreme to cut them off because they aren’t willing to do a huge favour.

I think YABU to articulate it in this way, but tbh, if they refuse to help and show no interest, surely you are less likely to see so much of them anyway? Sort of LC happening organically!

I’m a bit confused (disclaimer, my children are young so possible I don’t get it yet as haven’t hit than stage myself), why do children of their ages need watched by someone? Can they not go to friends houses or be home with one another, and able to contact their dad or other family friend by mobile if need be, until their dad gets gone from work every evening? I was babysitting for other kids for pocket money when I was 15 and would have been horrified at the notion of having to be watched by grandparents.

@ Livelovebehappy Actually any offer of help would be gratefully received and we wouldn't ask for more. It would be the knowledge that they were willing to help our family in any way that would be meaningful.

What I'm sad about is that I don't think they love our DC - they probably love DH in a lukewarm way - but not in the way they do some of his siblings.

Anyway, we'll sort something out. I'm feeling less hysterical now, thanks for letting me vent in a safe space.

Why do you need childcare when you have a 14 year old?

So you have a nasty feeling (you haven't asked, youre guessing here?) they will say no, and in turn, if and when they do say no, you're going to cut them out, because they won't look after your children (this same people who show no interest in said grandchildren? YABU. It's blackmail. Don't be that person - its awful. They are YOUR children, you sort out childcare.

And if they are in regular contact with other brother and sister, why do they not contact your DH - is there a backstory?

@BackforGood Yes, those are all good suggestions.

I suppose I think someone probably dying of cancer and their partner having a breakdown at the same time constitutes a crisis!

Did the op say she would cut them out? I thought LC just meant you don't put huge amounts of effort into seeing them. Sounds fair enough to me if that's how they approach seeing the op and her family... or am I massively misreading?

Re. Summer Camps. Yes, we use them, but they cost hundreds per week so there's a limit to how much we can do that. That's why most grandparents here have their GC to stay for a week or two

And what about the parents who don't have parents to look after their children? Like us. My in-laws live far away (and iw outdent not ask them to look after my children as they are older and have their own lives to live) and my parents in another continent. There are alternatives.

At their ages your children shouldn't need much looking after, they could also go with you. I'm sorry that your SM is so ill, I hope she responds to treatment and has more time with you all.

@ midnightmisssuk

No back story. DH has been a model son and he rings them regularly. They never ring him and complain to his younger sister if he doesn't keep in touch!

They're exactly the same with his older sister - there's two golden children and two "others." His older sister makes a big effort to organise family events, but she's not a priority either.

@ midnightmisssuki Yes, we usually sort things out with friends like taking leave on different weeks and looking after each other's kids.