Going LC if they don't help out - AIBU?

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

This is a theoretical question as it hasn't happened yet, but I'd like to know what others would do in this situation.

Bottom line is that my SM is seriously ill and it's going to be a difficult year. My DF already isn't coping well and I know I'll need to spend significant time with them to help out. I may have to quit my job to do this.

IL's are in good health but show little interest in their GC (our DC). I've already said to DH that if I need to go away for several weeks during the summer hols, we should perhaps ask them whether they can have the DC for a week and then we'll cobble together some additional backup with friends (luckily we have some good ones who'll help out, but of course, they all have their own jobs and DC so there's a limit to what can be asked).

I have a nasty feeling that my IL's are going to refuse to help in any way, as they have form for this. If this happens, I'm tempted to go LC or even NC, although my DH will obviously keep in touch if he wants to. Essentially, I'll stop bothering with them and not visit anymore.

I know this sounds extreme, but they do help out other people, it's just their GC (and by extension, DH) who seem to be at the bottom of the heap! His sister, for example, is frequently helped and supported.

WWYD? I just feel that in a real crisis, family should pull together if they can - and if they won't, well, they're not really family anymore.

Yes, I'm slightly bitter! I don't dwell on it most of the time and they may surprise us, but I doubt it.

14 and 11 so by the summer when you are looking at extra help they will be more like 15 and 12?

Why would you need extra help with children of these ages. Surely they are pretty self sufficient.can make themselves a snack, help out around the house etc and don’t need sending to grandmas as you won’t be home?

My mum was in hospital and then on bed rest for several weeks when me and my brother were toddlers. Her mum didn't help out at all, but I'm very glad my mum didn't go NC because I had a lovely relationship with my granny through to adulthood (even though I recognise she was less than supportive to her daughter in an emergency situation).

Yabu but I do understand your frustration. We are very active in the business we own, both doing different aspects of it. When hubby has been ill and we've not quite managed to fill our shifts to take care of him etc many people offer to help. Naturally we need temporary help at work til the illness stabilises but they would sooner pack me off to work and they take care of my family.
I hate this, but op you can't force to help how you want, help is often very Conditional based on what's going on in their lives. You need to prepare for this, hopefully you may be surprised but if not you'll be prepared. We have learnt to find a way so we don't need to rely to heavily on anyone.

So your putting a step mother before your own husbands mother if they don't mind your kids.
Wow, he got the short straw with you.
Sounds like an excuse, as you don't like them.
why would you give up a job for a sm, your responsibilities seem very skewed.

Children of those ages are not going to want to spend a week with disinterested (or even interested tbh) grandparents.
Why can't they just stay at home/go round friends' houses?

My inlaws have never helped with our children. As a result I don't expect to ever need to ask them for help. I have my family. I have friends. I have neighbours. Lots of options other than my in-laws.

It seems like you are setting them up for a challenge that they are destined to fail. And then you can walk away. Why not just walk away anyway. Don't ask for help. Find someone/anyone else.

We're low contact with my inlaws due to geographical distance and other factors. We visit every couple of months. Everything is pleasant and civil. And then we go home and don't have much contact with them again until the next visit. Nobody hates anyone. No big falling out. Just different types of people.

It works for us.

You seem to be catastrophising. And looking for trouble. Don't ask your inlaws to help. Ask others. Your children aren't small kids who need "minding" as such. You'll work something out. But that's a separate issue to LC/NC with the inlaws.

So your putting a step mother before your own husbands mother No, she is putting her own father first and will be helping him cope with the step mother's illness etc.

OP, I suggest that perhaps it is your DH who needs to discuss this with his parents - after all it will be him who needs the childcare help, as you won't be there.

If you are in the US can't you book them on summer camps? From what little I know they are a couple weeks long and would help you if you needed to go away. Or they are at the ages where they can come and entertain themselves and help out.

I’m sorry about the situation with your sm but its not a crisis though. You’re thinking of going for a few weeks over the summer- it’s January.
You could ask the grand parents if the kids could stay for a week if need be. If they said no, and a week is a long time to have two kids then you have at least 6 months to arrange alternatives if your kids aren’t mature enough yet to be left alone. Talk to the school see if there is any kind of summer school/summer camp. Ask friends and neighbours if anyone has an older teenager that would like to earn some extra money by hanging out with your kids for a few hours a day.
If it was a case of a sudden and unexpected illness and you had to fly home on that day then yes I would hope that family would step up to help, but for a situation several months in advance I think it would be reasonable either way if they choose to help.
It wouldn’t be right to cut them off if they can’t or won’t help.

YABU, OTT and irrational.

YANBU
But it hasn't happened yet. I think you might be happier going LC with them anyway, let your dh deal with it.

I went nc with my in-laws about 5 years ago due to them not wanting anything to do with my dc (not my dh’s kids). They just couldn’t accept that my Dh had god forbid married someone with dc. They wanted to play happy families with me but only wanted to see us when my dc were at their dads etc and would not even write their names on Xmas cards etc. After two years hoping they would get used to the idea I just stopped visiting them. No need to really.

My Dh still goes and visits every few weeks or so. They say they are offended I don’t visit and Dh repeatedly tells them why and they argue it’s not true but then nothing changes.

What sort of distances are we talking here? Can’t the children come with you if you go and help out in the school holidays?

You are being very unreasonable to go LC with your PIL if they don’t help as much as you think they should. They likely care very much but have raised their own kids and should be under no obligation to do anything. In a pinch, they may surprise you but they may also just think your DC are fine on their own for a bit. They may feel more inclined to help their own daughter because of not wanting to be thought to interfere by their DIL.

I think you are also trying to plan things a bit too much, being prepared is one thing but you can’t ever really know what will be happening in 6 months time. I don’t think you should be thinking of giving up your job tbh. This is not something many people do when they have their own families. There will be support out there so you can do as much as you can and help DF and DSM to access what other help is needed.

My parents are your ILs, OP (in terms of attitude).

I have not found it easy, as they haven't been willing to step in when I've needed someone to. At the same time, though, I can completely see that they spent their whole lives looking after their children (my DM was as SAHM), then their elderly parents, and now want to be 'selfish' (If that's what you would call it).

I would love, love, love to have had someone to step in and help when my DC were small - but I wouldn't dream of going LC over this. My children are not their responsibility.

That's awful. You can't stop your kids from having a relationship with their grandparents because they won't provide childcare.

Really manipulative and nasty.

You don't like them, clearly. Do they like you?

This summer is months away your SM has a chronic condition perhaps, your DF is not coping, you need to put something in place now not think about helping out in the summer. Why do you expect your DF to hang on until the summer, what is he going to do come autumn?

So your putting a step mother before your own husbands mother if they don't mind your kids. Wow, he got the short straw with you.

That is unfair. For all you know the OP’s stepmother brought her up. Also, she’s not putting her stepmother before her MIL - there’s no ‘either or’ here.

OP - what are you looking for from reducing contact? Is it just that you don’t feel like you should have to make the effort if they don’t, so want to pull back from them? Or are you hoping they’ll see it as some kind of punishment for not helping out? If it’s the latter, you may be disappointed if it turns out they’re not particularly bothered.

If your DC are of a reasonable age, could they come with you to your parents?

I suspect you’re gunning for them to say no.

So that you can flounce.

I’d put money on it in fact!

Do not give up your job as this could affect your own families future finances and your own health. My DD and her family live abroad but I would not expect her to come running back to UK if anything happened to me or DH.
A recent fall and broken shoulder has brought me back to reality a bit though as DS was at work but DH was at home.

I don’t think you sound awful at all! Completely understand, especially if your family who are now in a difficult situation were always helpful it seems such a slap in the face when in laws aren’t. I think I would also be pissed off to the point of going LC with this situation - hope it all works out for you

I dont think your being unreasonable. Family is everything to me and should put each other first in times of crisis.
I unfortunately have one set of GPs who never bother with my kids and one set who barely bother.
I'm very jealous as all of my friends with kids who get lots of help week in week out. Grandparents falling over themselves to help and love their children. I'm so sad mine dont get that

I'm ill at the moment with a virus, horrible fever and DH is in Canada with work. I've just go to plough on.
Anyway, that so longer than intended but I sympathise Op. It takes a village

Your situation is similar to mine, I’ve gone NC with my in-laws with the same type of dynamics. MIL freaked out about us having a baby and withdrew support, making it very clear they would never babysit. SIL was definitely given more support than DH generally, albeit not childcare as she didn’t have kids at the time. PIL now have poor health so it’s irrelevant.

DH facilitates the relationship with his family and takes the kids. I just stay home or make other plans. They see them every couple of months or so. PIL aren’t that bothered about the kids anyway.

OP I get that you would like to support your SM I need her time of need but if that means giving up your job and steamrollering people to take up the slack in your own personal life you must see that it is not doable.

We can only do what we can do. If you really want to go visit I would suggest taking your children with you and renting some accommodation if your parents don’t have space. Take a week or two holiday or unpaid leave to facilitate this.

Don’t turn your own life upside down and certainly don’t expect other people to do that either.