Going LC if they don't help out - AIBU?

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

This is a theoretical question as it hasn't happened yet, but I'd like to know what others would do in this situation.

Bottom line is that my SM is seriously ill and it's going to be a difficult year. My DF already isn't coping well and I know I'll need to spend significant time with them to help out. I may have to quit my job to do this.

IL's are in good health but show little interest in their GC (our DC). I've already said to DH that if I need to go away for several weeks during the summer hols, we should perhaps ask them whether they can have the DC for a week and then we'll cobble together some additional backup with friends (luckily we have some good ones who'll help out, but of course, they all have their own jobs and DC so there's a limit to what can be asked).

I have a nasty feeling that my IL's are going to refuse to help in any way, as they have form for this. If this happens, I'm tempted to go LC or even NC, although my DH will obviously keep in touch if he wants to. Essentially, I'll stop bothering with them and not visit anymore.

I know this sounds extreme, but they do help out other people, it's just their GC (and by extension, DH) who seem to be at the bottom of the heap! His sister, for example, is frequently helped and supported.

WWYD? I just feel that in a real crisis, family should pull together if they can - and if they won't, well, they're not really family anymore.

Yes, I'm slightly bitter! I don't dwell on it most of the time and they may surprise us, but I doubt it.

Your relationship with these people is clearly poor already. This may be part of the issue. You say they may refuse as the "have form" So why ask? Just to fall out with them?

I think you're asking too much op. It possibly stems from doing too much yourself!

Frankly,no matter if my parents were good, bad or in the middle... It literally isn't an option for me to plan to quit my job and travel away for weeks at a time. Time wise, financially and emotionally it's too much. There's a difference between supporting parents Vs uprooting your entire life (to the significant detriment of your own children and marriage).

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. It's great you plan to help your extended family, but you can't expect other people to help out to this level to fill the void you have chosen to create in your own immediate family.

You're confusing what we'd all like to do with what we can all realistically commit to.

You're being very very unfair.

Fine to say "for now if you want to visit you'll need to step up a bit e.g. we can't travel to you but you're welcome here" or suggesting the occasional overnight... But not ok to choose to support your family then expect the huge impact of that choice to be fixed by others.

And yes, I say this as someone who has had a very ill grandparent at the other end of the country (now passed away) for a few years. holding onto my own marriage and full-time travel-intensive job meant I couldn't physically visit or help as much as I'd like... But I have obligations Which mean I can't just drop my life on hold to support family. That's life. As upsetting as it is. Family had to take their share of the load and where we couldn't, paid help did.

Thanks all, I can see that I'm being unreasonable based on the reactions here - although I wouldn't describe myself as "awful," just someone who would love to have some family support during an upsetting time. I accept that my IL's aren't the people to provide it and I'm not going to ask or expect anything.

I think perhaps some posters don't understand that this isn't based on disliking my IL's or not getting on with them, we get on fine on a superficial level. I just need some support right now and it's a bit miserable to realise that we have no extended family who'll say, " how can we help?" or even call occasionally and ask how things are.

Luckily I have some lovely friends who will do both.

That's why I'm wondering whether it's worth making much of an effort with them anymore (me, not my DH). I have friends who seem to care more than they do.

Anyway, I've vented and got over it now. Sometimes you just need to tell strangers and get it out of your system.

Surely your kids are old enough to either go to a summer camp for a bit or be home while your husband is at work?

They don't need to stay elsewhere - they'll sure be wanting to hang out with friends anyway. I think you are creating a massive 'thing' when you don't need to.

would love to have some family support during an upsetting time

But no one is really disputing that.

What is the problem is that you have a specific, highly unreasonable, unrealistic set of ideas about what "support" looks like.

It's not based on anything that most families could support.

Have you considered whether your plan to be away from your immediate family for weeks, quit work, etc... Is feasible? You have commitments to many people in your life. Only you know what the right balance is but based on your attitude here I wonder if you give to much of yourself to the ruin of other commitments.

@fishonabicycle Yes they are. It's just that 12 weeks of summer holidays is a lot to fill (although I hope I won't be away the whole time).

I realise I'm being unreasonable, as I said above, I'd just love any sort of some family support. They don't need to take the DC for a week, even a phone call would be nice.

It's the realisation that we've got zero, even during a difficult time, that's upsetting.

@AuntSelmaJane

It probably does sound like overkill, but when you have a mentally ill parent supporting a physically ill partner, the dynamics change.

That's the real problem. I feel that I have no choice but to make a huge commitment to my Dad and SM or things will completely fall apart. My Dad is already struggling and we've only just received the diagnosis.

Are there no other family members? Your dad's side? Your mum's side? You're sm's side?

Unfortunately both sides are small families. SM had no children, I'm an only. Dad has one elderly sibling.

You do have a (difficult) choice. Other family steps up. They move closer. Paid help. Council/social services support plan.

When my alone physically frail grandmother developed dementia at the opposite end of the UK, I desperately wanted to do more. As breadwinner though, I had to settle for the realistic version of sustainable support I could offer. Some might have been able to juggle more but I did my best; my gran would have been horrified to learn the strain on me logistically, financially & to DH, DC over the 4 years. If she could understand.

i think you're right, I'm going to have to look into support outside of the family (contact the local hospital to find out about local support services, etc.). I'm quite willing to pay for help.

Moving them from the UK to the US isn't an option, I really wish it was.

Even though my parents live in another city and would have been willing, I would never have sent my DC to them during holidays...they would have been bored stiff.

If it makes you feel better, then go LC if they refuse to help.

Have you thought long term what will happen to your DF, if your SM doesn't make it.

My in-laws always prioritised my SIL's children over mine and DH. Even if I asked if they could possibly mind our
Children MIL would always check with SIL as her children always took priority. I soon realised this was never going to change and I just needed to accept the situation. Accepting this was far easier than being continually considered 2nd rate to SIL.

My friends elderly parents in the UK only child was in US. She found the social services in the UK were very helpful. She had to fly back and forth a few times to sort out things selling the home, settling them into a residential home. Her friends back in the UK kept an eye on them once they were settled making sure everything was running smoothly and visiting occasionally. They will be pleased to hear from you and will liaise with you willingly.

* My Dad announced a few years ago that he and DSM didn't want us to stay with them (family of four) as it was too much hassle. So we've had to book cottages, etc. since. What it means is that they see less of their GC, as we can't afford both air fares and accommodation too often. sad It's a shame, but there's not much we can do.*

So you also have an issue with your father and SM!

If my parents treated my other siblings nicely and did favours they never did for me or my DC, I would ask why. In a normal family with good interaction....there would be no hesitation not to question the imbalance.

Your DHs family clearly have other dynamics going on. The fact that he lets it lie also raises questions.

I wouldn't ask family for help who don't care about me or my family.

I'm glad for you that you've been able to 'get it all out' here and have settled it in your mind. Carrying resentment can really weigh you down, especially when you need to be able to focus all your energy elsewhere.

If you want to go LC with your iLs, that's a decision for another day, I think. If I'd had iLs (or parents) who didn't seem to make an effort with my children I certainly wouldn't make any effort with them.

Everything that @Skittlesandbeer said at 5.05. Perfect advice.

@lovemenorca Yep, that was a surprise at the time but I realised that as they're both in their 80's, it really was too much for them to have visitors. They still love spending time with their GC, it's just expensive for us to visit. They have no problem with me staying so I go on my own sometimes and help them out with various things. It works for everyone now.

The difference is that my IL's are closer, younger, in good health with a large house. But they're not really interested in their GC so that's that!

@AcrossthePond55 Yes, it's much better to share angry and sometimes irrational thoughts with strangers than blurt it out IRL. I don't really want to cause family ructions or upset my IL's.

I don't understand their attitude towards us but there it is.

Some of this is a good life lesson anyway. I never want my DC to feel that their family isn't very important to me or that I won't help them through difficult times.

I don't understand their attitude towards us but there it is.

And that's in a nutshell isn't it? My Gran use to say:

"For every problem under the sun,
There is an answer or there is none.
If there's one, try to find it,
If there's none, never mind it!"

I've gotten a lot better at 'never minding it' as I've gotten older!

I think you're being very reasonable. It's not blackmail as you won't be giving ultimatums....if you don't have DC I won't be visiting....

You are expecting them to behave like a supportive family and they may not. So why should you bother with them if they can't be bothered with you in time of need?

YANBU