Were you spanked or hit growing up in the '80s (or earlier)?

[SilverSurfer2020]

I grew up in the 80s and while I was only "spanked" once by a male teacher at primary school and never spanked or hit by my parents (that I can recall) ... I was very aware of the ever present talk of rulers, canes, hitting at the rural primary school I attended, of stories of older children having been hit, and on too of that my older siblings were hit occasionally by my parents.

Was this normal for the time?
I always got the impression it was fairly normal for people a bit older than me, and further back.

I wonder what impact it had on their (and our) perception of physical violence within families, partners etc.

What do you think?

Aibu - no, it was not common.
Aibu - yes, it was common.

(The impact question is not part of this aibu just looking for additional opinions. Maybe I could do a separate aibu for it).

I know someone who is seemingly a very modern parent and she did once say she smacked her toddler dd's bottom if she played up. I was really surprised as she is very into attachment parenting, bfing, baby wearing, vegan food only etc.

I also saw a nice looking mum in the supermarket recently saying to her preschool aged dd who was playing up, that she would "smack her bum in front of all these people in a minute". Like, really loudly so I could hear, you know, how most people would say "stop that behaviour at once young lady or we are going straight home and you won't get tv time". I was quite surprised, but I wonder if my upbringing means I'm sheltered from the whole spanking thing and it's actually still quite common?

One of my first memories is sadly being hit by my dad when I had misbehaved in the 80s at about age 4.

Never hit at school. I have never and will never hit or smack my children. What a horrible early memory to have.

I hope you treat your parents like shit if they're still around, sorry if that sounds horrible.

That was @Shesalittlemadam

My grandmother (on my mothers side) on the other hand would beat people with her rosary

Oh the irony

never
born in 81 my sister 87

neither of us were hit at home and defo not in school.it wasnt allowed here

it wasnt defined back then but now they would be called kind parenting,we wasnt even shouted at
neither of us were trouble though so had no need for punishments really

at 11 i was bigger than the male teacher(5ft 10 at 11,6ft by the time i was 14) so no one had no chance trying to hit me anyway even if it was legal

i follow the attachment /kind parenting route myself

Born 72

We had a primary school teacher who used to slap the back of your legs on your bare skin so it made a loud sound.

High school teacher used to throw the chalk board eraser at people

parents did smack us -Dad pretty hard, Mum-never hurt. If we heard it was her coming up the stairs when messing about instead of going to sleep, we knew we were fine. If we kept up it would be “go to sleep or your dad will be coming up”. If we heard his footsteps on the stairs we knew it was going to hurt.

It unequivocally causes harm. Streams of research supports that it does. Anyone who thinks otherwise is probably in self-preservation mode.

I agree but with the caveat that some people are less sensitive - bit quite adequate but the best word I can think of - than others.

However many of the posts itt are not about discipline type smacking/spanking (which I don't agree with either) but about child abuse..

Although I do now have a great relationship with my parents, certain memories of being smacked have followed me into adulthood, about which I still have strong feelings.

A book from the 1980s arguing against smacking said "many parents see it not just as a right, but their duty to hit their children". It also noted that our language has developed a remarkable vocabulary to cover hitting children, listing more than twenty synonyms for smacking, implying how entrenched the idea was. Indeed, I remember frequently seeing children being smacked in shops, in the park, anywhere. More recently (a week ago) I saw a child run out of a building, towards a road. The boy was duly swept up by his mum, who then had stern words. But in the 1980s, that child would almost certainly have been smacked, and then crying and unable to understand his mum's careful explanation that running into the road is dangerous.

The moments which I remember most were when it was for something which I didn't know was wrong, where my parents saw it as their "duty" to do it. Aged seven, I didn't expect a blind man to suddenly stop walking, and I bumped into him. My mum explained carefully why I shouldn't have bumped into him, then she smacked me. I had no intention of doing anything wrong, and there I was suddenly being made to cry in public. (That humiliation was one of the worst things about smacking, as far as I was concerned.) Meanwhile she would cheerfully use phrases such as "if I didn't, I'd be a bad mother" or "I am not in the faintest bit sorry".

Moments like that gave me huge anxiety, and I was incredibly risk-averse as a child, which I think led to other problems such as being a people-pleaser, and being unable to take initiative. It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I managed to do things "without being told". Sometimes I feel angry that I could be much more "successful" in life now if it wasn't so afraid of taking risks. As a teenager, I didn't ask for help if I needed it: instead I lied and covered things up.

At my primary school, there was never any hitting (although some of the older teachers spoke wistfully of it), but one of the worst transgressions children could commit was to do something without being told. I fell foul of this a few times, for example starting to tidy up, and then being humiliated because I was doing it without being told. This had the same effect as the blind man incident above, and secondary school was quite a shock when you're expected to take a lot of initiative.

I was smacked at home but never hit at school. I was born in 1988.

At school I was tapped on the hand by a teacher once in the 80s. Not particularly sore but I was shocked by it!

My dad once clipped me round the ear (wasn’t actually that sore) for fighting in the car when he was driving.

Mum smacked me a handful of times but each time I had been quite bad and she didn’t want me to do the thing again (ie running across the road when a car was coming)

I struggle to reconcile the parents I know with people who would hurt me on purpose.

This ^
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Moments like that gave me huge anxiety, and I was incredibly risk-averse as a child, which I think led to other problems such as being a people-pleaser, and being unable to take initiative. It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I managed to do things "without being told". Sometimes I feel angry that I could be much more "successful" in life now if it wasn't so afraid of taking risks. As a teenager, I didn't ask for help if I needed it: instead I lied and covered things up.
^
This ^

Children will push boundaries, they'll also make mistakes, it's part of learning and growing up. Most will come to make the right choice with guidance, consequences and role models, not through fear, intimidation and humiliation.

I was smacked once lightly by my mother if I remember correctly, but I think it was more of a "last resort" type of reaction as I was being very naughty and not letting up.

My stepmum smacked me hard once. I hadn't done anything wrong to my knowledge so I was confused. I still think about it now and to this day can't figure out what I did wrong..

People around me experienced smacking and abuse. My friend and her brother were beaten fairly regularly, can't go into too much detail as it's upsetting but their dad really did hurt her brother often, including washing mouth out with soap once - I was shocked when I heard about this. I liked their dad and they both adored him but after hearing about this, and witnessing some of it, I grew to hate him for hurting my friends.

A friend of a friend was set on fire, this was related to her religion - supposedly an acceptable punishment in her family's circle. She survived and has no visible burns, my friend told me she has scars all over her back.

My cousin was beaten within an inch of her life by my uncle. I heard it play out but was too scared to do anything (I was in the next room) I hated him after that.

That's my experience. Born in 84 so this happened in the 90's

And nothing ever happened in school to any of us, thankfully!

I’ll also add that my parents form of discipline has left me with a huge fear of authority figures and “getting into trouble” even now in my 40s. To the point that it has really affected my life.

I don't think that is a fine line lovetherainbows. I think it's a gaping chasm. A quick smack in the legs is nothing like that. There's a lot of suspect conflation here.

Can I ask why you are determined to prove your point even though so many on here have told stories about how physical punishment has harmed them?

Do you/have you smacked your children?

I don't see any reason to defend smacking, even if you think it's harmless, there just really isn't any need for it.

I was born in the 80s, I remember my mum smacking me and hitting me on the head with the hair brush if I wouldn't sit still.
I don't remember my dad smacking me or ever really telling me off (he said he did once and felt so guilty he never did it again)
My grandmother once pulled my pants down and smacked my bottom because I swore.
I went to a catholic school and remember one of the nuns used to be a bit rough, grab kids and pull them by the arm and once hit me on the head with a book.

*Can I ask why you are determined to prove your point even though so many on here have told stories about how physical punishment has harmed them?

Do you/have you smacked your children?*

Of course you can ask. No, I don't smack my children. I don't think it's effective. I just take issue with this idea that it is inherently and 'unequivocally' damaging and that I must be suffering from some kind of false consciousness to say it didn't do me any harm.

When I finally told my mother about my XH being violent she just shrugged and said ‘I wouldn’t let any man hit me.’ You let a man hit us though mother, you wound him up into a rage and encouraged him, so it was you who taught me that it was ok for a man to hit me.

I think whether it's harmful is all about the context. For example it isn't harmful to grab your child by the arm to pull them out the way of a car, or to slap them on the back when they are choking, or to give them a painful vaccination.

What's harmful is the fear and anxiety that children may be living with, especially if the parent is unpredictable, and the poor example that is set about how to deal with anger.

I'm no expert but I would guess that where smacking is used as a clear consequence and it's done calmly, that's less likely to be harmful than a violent outburst.

My mum only had to open the drawer where the wooden spoon was kept and we knew we’d pushed her too far. The rattle of the drawer was enough. At secondary school (late 60s) the boys were caned by the head master. So glad it’s stopped.

Never smacked at school, but was at home.
We were smacked if we deliberately set out to hurt ourselves or someone else or their property, or for repeated disobedience about the same incident, or utterly outrageous cheek.
We were rarely smacked but we remembered what it was we got it for. In my case starting a fight with the older boys on the street, running in front of a car coming down the street, deliberately raking my fingernails down my father's eye. Telling my mother to get lost and leave me alone in front of every single family in the street, after she had asked me three times to fetch something from the house.
My sister got smacked for pushing me down the stairs, destroying my Sindy dolls by pulling her legs off one and cutting the hair of another.
Never ever abusive- we were always told why we were getting mums or dads hand across our backside.
Absolutely adored my dad- he died when I was 10, and now my mum is old and infirm and I see her weekly and love her to bits and always have once I was past teenage "you don't understand me" stage.
I knew kids back then who were abused by their parents smacks because why they were smacked never made sense. Leaving their toys in the living room or even not coming straight away when called because they were in the outhouse and other things were passed over such as running through the bull field at the back of the house.

I was at primary school in the early 80s. I remember the teacher throwing the chalk board eraser on a few occasions.

Home was a different matter - me and my siblings were beaten daily by both parents. My mum was mentally ill and we were terrified of her. She would slap and kick us, pull our hair or pick us up by our collars and throw us across the room. She once punched me in the side of the head so hard I couldn’t hear in one ear for days afterwards. Dad would hit us with a belt. As an adult, I’ve confronted my mum over the way we were treated and she said “everyone hit their kids in those days.” How the hell no other adults (teachers etc) saw the bruises on us and alerted social services is something I can’t get my head round.

I was hit at home, I don't think it damaged me but would NEVER hit my own children and think it should be illegal to hit anyone. I think smacking children is only for the benefit of the parents (stress relieve) and not good discipline for the children.

I smacked my kids. As I have got older I have realised that I smacked because of my own frustrations and inability. I would never smack my grandkids as I have far more patience and realised that smacking doesn’t teach anything other than fear and the fact you can hurt someone by smacking them. My grandkids have never been smacked but they hit each other. My kids are amazed that I am so against smacking but as I have said to them I was wrong to have smacked them and I wish I had learnt what I know now earlier.