Were you spanked or hit growing up in the '80s (or earlier)?

[SilverSurfer2020]

I grew up in the 80s and while I was only "spanked" once by a male teacher at primary school and never spanked or hit by my parents (that I can recall) ... I was very aware of the ever present talk of rulers, canes, hitting at the rural primary school I attended, of stories of older children having been hit, and on too of that my older siblings were hit occasionally by my parents.

Was this normal for the time?
I always got the impression it was fairly normal for people a bit older than me, and further back.

I wonder what impact it had on their (and our) perception of physical violence within families, partners etc.

What do you think?

Aibu - no, it was not common.
Aibu - yes, it was common.

(The impact question is not part of this aibu just looking for additional opinions. Maybe I could do a separate aibu for it).

*In my secondary school

I was hit over the hands with a paintbrush (one of the ones that's about 15 inches long, so I was effectively caned) in year 1, I would have been 6, so about 1987. I didn't know it was illegal. I do remember it hurting a lot & not being able to write after as my fingers swelled up. I don't know if I told my parents at the time, it probably didn't occur to me as they used to smack me too if I was bad. No idea if the teacher was disciplined but she taught there for some time afterwards, so I imagine not. I know she did the same to other children, I wonder occasionally if she stopped because she realised it was wrong, illegal, etc, or if she was caught.

I left primary school in 1987 and corporal punishment was just being done away with. I remember at primary school if someone was getting the came, the entire senior school, so maybe 400 of us, were brought into the assembly hall to watch, presumably as a warning. Even as a child I remember thinking how embarassing it must be for the boy (and it was always a boy) and feeling sorry for him, even whilst simultaneously being terrified of him (because it was always the same few boys, and they were the ones who were violent and scary themselves). Weirdly though, there is a 'local memories' Facebook page and I frequently see some of these boys reminiscing on it now about how they were 'bad wee shits' (their words) at school and how glad they are that the teachers took no nonsense and kept them on the straight and narrow. Yet some of the others have gone on to a lifetime in and out of prison etc.

Mind you, I always thought my primary school was dead soft compared with my friend next door. She went to a convent school and her hands were red raw from the age of 5 because they were smacked with a ruler for talking in class, for spelling mistakes, for untidy handwriting, for getting an answer wrong. I thought it sounded terrifying.

Born 71. I was smacked by my dad sometimes. Smacked and hit by my mum quite frequently. She was a crap mum and wouldn't have had the intelligence to think of alternative methods. I've never assaulted my own dc at all. Our relationship and their behaviour is all the better for it.
Infant school the headmistress smacked kids including over her knee.
Juniors the headmaster gave the slipper (in private) occasionally and i did see him whacking a boy with his hand a few times once after the boy had kicked someone in the head.
No corporal punishment at my girls' high school

I was born mid 80s. Was never smacked at school, but I do remember children being dragged around. I've got a really vivid memory of being in reception and children sitting in the wrong place and just being dragged across the floor by their arms.

My parents both smacked me quite a lot and I hate them for it, it's definitely ruined my relationship with them, we still speak but I'll never forgive them for putting their hands on me.

They didn't beat me, but every misdemeanour meant an almighty smack on the arse or legs or hand. I got smacked sometimes for things I hadn't even done, I can remember them once discussing how they should smack me more as I was getting naughty, and once arguing because one of them left a handprint on my leg and arguing that my mother had smacked me too hard. I wasn't even a bad child they were just too absorbed in their own problems.

Fucking idiots, thick stupid idiots that didn't have the brains to parent any other way. It didn't make me respect them, it made me lose any respect, I was scared of them.

What's worse is that they were hit with belts and canes as children and grew up resentful, but somehow thought they were doing right by not hitting me with implements.

So many people say it didn't do them any harm etc, the problem is that nobody knows how a child will be affected later in life by violence. Some people are more susceptible to mental damage.

I don't hit/smack my children and they are no worse behaved than any other children. I've never had any problems with them.

Smacked bum at home by mum for being naughty; pushing it / being argumentative/ not adhering to warnings etc. Quite a rare occurrence on the whole. Talked to my mum about it many times as an adult and she basically said it was what all of her circle of friends did and nobody thought anything of it.

Board rubbers, rulers and hand slaps were regularly doled out in primary and secondary school.

I was beaten black & blue. Belt, head held under water, stamped on, pulled by my hair, you name it.

I brought my kids up in the 70s and 80s and never ever hit them. They drove me bloody mad sometimes but I could never have used violence on them.

So many people say it didn't do them any harm etc, the problem is that nobody knows how a child will be affected later in life by violence. Some people are more susceptible to mental damage.

I don't think that anyone has said that smacking does not do anyone any harm. Only that it did not do them any harm.

My daughter told me her friend cried after a test in school and told her she is beaten when getting 'bad' result. In 2019

Sounds like a call to social services is in order.

Or will the poor child just be put in an even worse position.

Born 84, smacking definately the norm. We didn't have the cane or smacking in school but the chalk was hurled at kids. If they were really pushing it, then the teacher threw the board rubber instead.

Growing up DF was violent, siblings and I would get smacked for trivial things (not eating quick enough for eg) and other times when we did deserve it (kicked my sister off the top bunk). DM would usually warn us first, but 3 girls all fighting and she'd lose it sometimes, especially with the youngest. I can see why for most of it, we wasn't listening or behaving and we didn't do that particular thing again.

I am scared from my childhood, but many other reasons. TBH I don't think punishments like the naughty step work either and there's a difference between the slap on the back of the legs (DM) and being dragged out from a hiding place and proper belted by DF.

I was often slapped over my left hand with a ruler to try and knock the evil out, and to use my right hand in school. So much so that I don't have a dominant left/right side.

My parents were born in the 1930s. Both were subject to the discipline of that era, so they were smacked regularly at school and at home. It was just how things were. One of them had a big loving family with parents who, whilst strict, were loving and fair. The other was emotionally neglected. The one with the loving parents wasn't damaged at all by being smacked, but the other one was.

I'm not arguing that smacking is fine and harmless, but I do think that the damage done is more about the overall childhood than about individual instances of smacking. My kind loving grandparents did what was the norm for their era, but they were not abusive. Times have changed now and their behaviour would be viewed as abusive. I don't smack my children because that's not how we do things now, but I think it's a stretch to think that almost everyone who was raised more than 50 years ago was the victim of abusive parenting.

In the seventies my primary school used a ruler on the palm of the hand for girls or a cane on the backside for boys who were misbehaving.

At Brownies the meetings would begin with nail inspections & anyone who showed evidence they had bitten their nails would have their hands rapped sharply with the ruler.

At secondary school they had weird punishments such as hat detention but no corporal punishment.
At the end of the day you had to stand in a line with all the other miscreants by the main entrance wearing your school hat & wait for everyone else to leave school before you could go.

My mother very rarely smacked us as children & only for things she considered terrible.
My grandmother (on my mothers side) on the other hand would beat people with her rosary & was quite happy to hit you in the face with it if you tried to run away.
My father never raised his hand to any of his children.

Everyone seemed to subscribe to the washing your mouth out with soap thing.
I'd rather have the ruler than the soap.

don't think that anyone has said that smacking does not do anyone any harm. Only that it did not do them any harm.

Maybe true, but I know a few people who swear that being smacked did them no harm, but I would disagree. I'll give you a few examples.

Uncle regularly 'clipped round the ear', ended up going deaf in childhood. No evidence to say that was why but there is speculation.

Most of my aunts/uncles (large family) grew up with corporal punishment at home and at school, almost all have grown into adults with some kind of addiction, mental health problems, or been involved in crime.

To be fair, most would denounce violence against children now, but some did go on to smack/slap their own children. It's only now, much later in their years that they'd admit it was wrong.

There might be some people who genuinely had idyllic childhoods, were smacked occasionally as were the times, and have no lasting effects.

But there is a very very fine line.

Born mid 80s and smacked at home for misdemeanours. My parents and I have argued about this a lot now I’m an adult, as apparently they think it was fine and I’m too soft.

I have told them that all hitting a child will teach them is that their parents, the people supposed to love and protect them, will hurt them (assault them, in fact). It’s revolting, I’ve had therapy over it because I struggle to reconcile the parents I know with people who would hurt me on purpose.

My mum even asked my husband if he was ‘hit as a child’ and then said that because he turned out ok it was fine. It was not fine. I’ve told them both that if they ever lay a hand on my child then they are dead to me.

And beatings still happen in the home today of young people.
Since the mid 2000's and until now, I've had a double-figure of my children's mates stay with us because of abuse.

One came to me early hours of Saturday morning. SS will be in touch within the next week. Normally call-backs aren't this long, don't let this put you off. SS just know after all these years that the person is safe and I do what's needed to support them.

If anyone suspects a young person is getting abused, please do seek help for them. If you can, let them know your door is always open to them, although not suggesting you take all your children's friends in!!

I started primary in 84 by which time there was no physical discipline allowed. But both my parents smacked me and my mother went on to do much worse (physically and verbally) . I remember friends also being smacked occasionally. There's a lot more awareness of the consequences for children these days, and more fear of prosecution.

I don't think that is a fine line lovetherainbows. I think it's a gaping chasm. A quick smack in the legs is nothing like that. There's a lot of suspect conflation here.

I was born in the late seventies and was smacked as punishment quite a lot through my childhood and well into my teens. It wasn’t an angry lashing out by my parents (normally my father meted out the punishments) but a cold, calculated, detached action. Either on the bottom - with the humiliating command of “bend over” - or on the hand where you’d have to hold your hand out for the stinging, brutal downward slap with repeat hits if you flinched or moved out of the way (an instinctive response, surely).

We were good children, but my parents decided to be very harsh disciplinarians. My mother used to tell us to wait until our father got home so we’d be terrified for hours before the punishment came. It was a horrible way to be brought up, living with the fear of the punishment for whatever minor infraction you were alleged to have committed. I think it would be easier to forgive them had they lashed out in anger than their choice to hit us when calm.

My father says that he was hit as a child and “it didn’t do me any harm”, but in my eyes growing into an adult who routinely assaults children is evidence of it doing harm to him. He used to routinely manhandle us too, if we weren’t doing as we were told immediately. I have a memory from my mid teens of being grabbed at the scruff of the neck and marched to the car in front of all my peers because I was late. It was supremely humiliating and I can’t fathom why anyone would do that to a child/adolescent so publicly.

I don’t have a good relationship with them now. Though I am no longer scared of them. I see them as pitiful. Pathetic bullies who try to rule with an iron fist. Indeed they still try to do it now. My father rang my husband and told him to “take me in hand” because I’d refused to accommodate my mother in a way that would have been detrimental to my health. He frequently says he’s surprised that other people don’t wallop me for me being an opinionated woman. Even now. And I’m pretty polite, I just don’t go along blindly with everything he, or other men, tell me to do and therefore am supremely punchable in his eyes.

I would never hit a child. Or an adult for that matter. And I would judge everyone who does.

Beating a child is to an occasional smack on the legs what locking a child in a cupboard is to putting them in the naughty corner.

I was never spanked. My parents were very strongly against it and said so all the time. But maybe that's because it was so common...? As in, why else would they have to say it?

DH was hit on the hand or bum if he was about to do something dangerous. I can't imagine my lovely MIL doing something like that now, so I guess it was of its time. DH has no problem with his upbringing, but we do not and would never spank our own dcs.

@Shesalittlemadam

That's just child abuse pure and simple.

The head under water thing horrifies me - reminds me if that psycho who murdered her French nanny (after abusing her for months).

We had the slipper at our school, there were around 5 kids who regularly had it. (I was born 1977). My parents would smack us, sometimes with a wooden spoon.

It isn't what I do.