Were you spanked or hit growing up in the '80s (or earlier)?

[SilverSurfer2020]

I grew up in the 80s and while I was only "spanked" once by a male teacher at primary school and never spanked or hit by my parents (that I can recall) ... I was very aware of the ever present talk of rulers, canes, hitting at the rural primary school I attended, of stories of older children having been hit, and on too of that my older siblings were hit occasionally by my parents.

Was this normal for the time?
I always got the impression it was fairly normal for people a bit older than me, and further back.

I wonder what impact it had on their (and our) perception of physical violence within families, partners etc.

What do you think?

Aibu - no, it was not common.
Aibu - yes, it was common.

(The impact question is not part of this aibu just looking for additional opinions. Maybe I could do a separate aibu for it).

@Whatisthisfuckery

Definitely something wrong with your mother's head, for lack of a better way of putting it - and sounds like your father wasn't any better. So sorry your sister and yourself went through it.

I was hit at home and it definitely has harmed me. My parents occasionally lashed out in anger. When I am angry with my own kids I feel an overwhelming urge to hit them It's awful, and it takes a huge amount of self control not to act on it.

At school I wasn't hit myself but I remember others being hit and also caned. There was particular "naught girl" in my class, I can picture her now being dragged out by the teacher and coming back howling. She was 4

I was born in the 1940 era, and getting the cane from a headmaster at school,was fairly common,but only for boys. Our fairly large classes,were usually very disciplined, but if they had a couple of naughty or unruly boys attending,they might well get the cane, for repeatedly answering the teacher back,or throwing a ruler or some other object,at another pupil. Girls were generally well behaved, but in the event of a cheeky girl incident, they had to go and stand in a corner of the classroom , facing the wall, for about 20 minutes.

At home,when I was about 10, my Mother slapped my bare legs quite hard a couple of times, can only remember one incident though.

I was throwing a small tennis kind of ball. up to the ceiling in our little sitting room, and it went askew, landing on top of a china cabinet unit, and knocking off,and smashing her favourite china lady ornament, and my Mother went wild with anger,and hard slapped my legs, then she rushed out into the back garden,and lit up a ciggie ha ha.

Why do you ask?

I was wondering how common my experience was - though as I said on the rate occasions we were hit at home, two incidents crossed over to what might be considered abuse/assault.

The context was that I feel it's possible my experience, esp.at home, normalised essentially physical violence for me and affected my reaction when I experienced physical violence from a partner as a late twenty something.

*rare

(Of course some people consider being smacked on the rear/legs etc with a hand abuse/assault too - and I see their point).

The "problem" with the school side is that it seemed to legitimise and normalise the hitting at home i.e. there was a context for it, one that was normal and ok according to the authority in your life (school - and the headmaster in my school was also a prominent member of church).

Grew up in the 70's. Yes was hit. It was the norm and I'm not psychologically damaged by it.
Some kids had the 'strap' in school for extreme behaviour. Remember one or two hothead teachers kicking students off stools and slapping them round the face in the 80's at high school. Couldn't imagine that now!

Hit on the bottom by my Dad frequently when naughty / deigning to have an opinion. Born late 70s.

Now see him as the insignificant power hungry ogre he is.

Never hit at school though. Was a very angelic (obedient and quiet) kid to be honest.

I don't know how I'd feel otherwise, but having had a child in the last two years or so, this thread is making me feel quite sick.

Born in 1960s. I was hit pretty much every day by one or both parents. Father alcoholic, Mother possible mentally ill. Continued up until teens. Friends were hit by their parents too, not sure how often but witnessed from time to time.

I was never hit at school but 2 or 3 children from each class at primary school, normally boys, were caned each day.

Seems absolutely shocking now. Violence against kids or anyone is unacceptable.

Born early 80s. I was smacked by my dad who had a horrible temper and didn't really like children. Occasionally by my mum as well.

I remember it being in its way out though, that my more leftie uncle and aunt didn't believe in smacking and my parents thinking my cousins were naughty as a result.

Now that I'm a parent myself I'm now pretty appalled by them doing it, it is abusive and I think my sister and I are owed an apology. I have lost my temper with my kids a few times and shouted at them enough to make them cry which I'm not proud of and always regret it and apologise to them. But I couldn't countenance hitting them and if my husband did we'd leave and never return.

My sister and I's relationship with our parents is good but in many ways I don't think they deserve it.

Grew up in the 70s/80s. Smacked at home by a bad tempered mum, massive resentment still even though she's been dead more than 20 years. It's made me more communicative with my children and would never use smacking as a punishment.

I also remember my primary head teacher completely losing his shit and smacking me over & over on the backside because I'd bounced a ball outside his office. I went back to my classroom and didn't tell anyone, I think I was in shock. The bastard should have been arrested!!

DF hit me once because I wouldn't stop doing something annoying. It hasn't affected me.

I was born in the late 70's. I remember our junior school head teacher saying in frustration at one boy's behaviour that she wished corporal punishment had not been banned.

DF's junior school headmaster in the 50's was known to get his sexual kicks from beating the boys.

Yes spanked at home by both parents, not at school ,was born 83

I was born in 84. Smacked at home but never at school. The only people to smack me were my parents (almost always my mum) and it was always on the backside with an open palm. I was never hit with any objects, belts, slippers, etc.

Only ever smacked after several warnings to stop doing what I was doing (and carrying on anyway). I don't feel it did me any harm at all and I was never frightened of my parents (hence the continued bad behaviour). In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it taught me to respect my parents.

There is a HUGE difference between smacking (as I experienced it) and abuse in my opinion. A short, sharp, shock is entirely different from a beating/being subject to unnecessary force.

I was also well aware of why I was being smacked. It never came out of nowhere or for no reason. I was always told, 'do it again and I'll smack your bum'. If I did it again then I suffered the consequences (not that there was ever any suffering involved).

OP - I think that you are right that those who suffered a lot of "discipline" at home would have normalised it. I certainly didn't really come to terms with the fact that it was abusive until I was in my later 30s and had help for PND and social phobia.

I think that language can also minimise things - I remember once my DGM saying that her father had only ever hit her once and DF saying that my brother and I had "a slap from time to time" - well it was never "a slap" and was usually with a slipper and not a hand.

Slipper at primary school for v serious and only the naughtiest seemed to get that, but those children q often it seemed.
However, for the less naughty children who were standing outside the staffroom during lunchtime, the child who was nearest the door, would often receive a whack on the back from a particular teacher as they went passed.
Very occasional whack by parents ... in fact can only remember 1 occasion by father and less than 5 with mother but a lot of shouting by mum!

Just remembered a time where me and brothers put spray polish in our hair I must have been 5 and our mother really smacking the shit out of us and putting us to bed she wouldn't let my dad give us an orange when he came home , she had left us unsupervised in the kitchen I'm nearly 40 now and it's stayed with me

I was born in 79' and yes smacking/hitting was usual, however, it doesn't mean it was ever right though. I was never hit at school and don't remember any other children being hit at school either.

Both my parents hit, smacked, slapped and beat me but my parents are abusive arseholes in more ways than with physical violence. I'm NC with them for this and many other reasons. When I was younger my dad had a leather belt that had his name embossed on it along with other shapes and patterns and I remember having bruises on my bottom, legs, arms and back in the shape of those. I remember once being beaten with the belt because my brother had drawn on the living room wall and apparently I was supposed to be in charge of him. I was 5/6 years old and there is a little over 2 years between him and I!! I can't know for sure if my brother was ever hit but I have no memories of him being punished physically or otherwise at all. He has grown to be a violet, nasty piece of work who does what he wants regardless of the consequences. He's been involved with the police for years and I hear through the family grapevine that he is abusive to my parents now. A classic case of my parents reaping what they sow.

I'm not a perfect parent and there have been times that I have shouted and cried when my DC were younger and being hard work but I have never and will never lay a violent hand on them in anger, it's wrong on so many levels.

80s baby so 84/85 I started school.

My parents smacked, my dad would use a shiny leather slipper or a giant wooden spoon, we'd know what we'd done and the punishment was planned for a specific time...

My mother would yank pants down and smack bums in public without a seconds hesitation and at home would smack me in the face, and also hold my head under the cold tap when I got the hysterical gulping crying thing as a result...

Both gave school permission to smack, and some teachers would take me to the office, but one or two would smack backs of legs with rulers in the class room. As far as I am aware though, only the kids whose parents had given permission.

Mind you my headmaster called me a bitch, in the playground in front of other kids and adults (I'd pushed a little girl over as she was bullying my younger sister, he asked if I had done it, I said yes I had, 'you little bitch'...was the reply!).. I was 7..

At 14, I punched my mother back when she lashed out at me (standing over me when I was naked, in my bedroom, screaming that I had to get dressed and I had no rights as teenagers don't have any rights to privacy and she'd snatched my duvet off me, and she hit me in the face and I laid her out on the floor with one lucky punch...)... and that was the last time she hit me.

I have had some rows with my father, but he's never lashed out in anger and therefore, nor have I.

I am not in favour of smacking, and do believe those who are in favour and say 'I was smacked, didn't do me any harm' clearly are unaware of the harm it has done them if they still think it's ok.

But there is a big difference between punishment delivered as promised, for a reason, which my Dad did... and lashing out violently in anger, and to humiliate, belittle and frighten, which my mother did.

It’s totally wrong.

It does affect us, even those who say it hasn’t.

I was hit on the hands with a ruler at school. And smacked at home. I remember both of them vividly. Funny how most of us remember these incidents so clearly?

It’s because they are traumatic. I still love my parents, they were of their generation, and I was never beaten.

I find I have to control my temper and I think that is partly because other adults did not control theirs to me when I was growing up. I’ve tried my best, as a parent, never hit or shouted but I have raised my voice - it’s scary thinking that there is a fine line but so important.

At primary school between the ages of 8 to 10, I remember the chalkboard rubber being thrown at me (luckily it missed), I was hit on my bottom with the slipper, and I was hit on my hands with the ruler. On each occasion it was because I was chatting in lessons (didn't stop me because I was the same in secondary school).

I do remember at least four boys being hit (punched) on a regular basis by male teachers. As a child it was horrible to witness. Now that I'm reflecting on it I cannot fathom how or why the female teachers stood by and allowed this to happen.

I only have one memory of my mom hitting me (which she denies vehemently).

In my adult relationships my line in the sand has always been physical abuse, my reasoning which I very loudly shared with past partners, was, that my father had never hit me and he gave me life, so no other male is entitled to lay a finger on me.

At secondary we were hit on the bare bum with a leather sandal or hairbrush by a same sex teacher in private.

Only just noticed this.

Whaaaat?

In secondary school the only thing a teacher (a bad tempered bullying teacher) would have done was twist a boy's ear or throw objects at them.

Taking a young person into private and getting them to remove/lower underwear etc seems incredibly inappropriate and dodgy!!!!