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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

450 replies

rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 07:06

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

OP posts:
Wineiscooling · 06/01/2020 09:08

YABVU.
My best friend emigrated to Oz 6 years a go. I was gutted but it was the right decision for her and her family. It was a really hard decision for her and her family didn't make it easy for her. I'm sure your friend has agonised over her decision in the same way and unfortunately she couldn't turn to her best friend because of the tantrum you threw 4 years a go when she first tried to talk to you about it.
Now, you must support her, tell her how much you'll miss her but tell her what a fantastic Life she will make for herself out there and you can't wait to start saving and get out there to see her. Me and my friend both cried together in the days leading up to her leaving but I would never dream of being angry at her for making a decision to move. It's her and her family's life and she obviously think Australia gives them the best opportunity for happiness.
Me and my friend message regularly, facetime and last year me and my family flew out to see her and had a holiday of a lifetime out in Oz. She also comes home once a year.
I understand your upset but don't make this about you. This is such a hard decision for your friend she needs you now more than ever.

Whatsitthingy · 06/01/2020 09:09

I can understand why you're feeling like this but the only thing you can do is be supportive, she's going to under go a massive culture change and probably already has her anxieties about such a big move.
They may not stay long term, but they may well do. You can still maintain a good friendship and on the plus side now have a good excuse for a big trip to Oz...

ChicCroissant · 06/01/2020 09:10

You've reflected your own feelings on to her about your parents, OP. You don't feel you could leave them but she feels differently. One of you has already moved if you don't live in the same city anyway (I'm guessing it is her) and assuming this is not a reverse she's left it so late because she knew how you'd react (and she was right).

Still, you texted her last night and told her you were devastated. You don't sound supportive at all, and it's a shame that these are going to be her memories of the way she leaves.

Interesting that this has come up today, when I mentioned friends moving away on a wedding thread last night

SlothMama · 06/01/2020 09:14

It’s her life get over yourself.

73Sunglasslover · 06/01/2020 09:14

I think it is a loss. The OP had hoped for their kids to be friends and had hoped the level of contact they had would continue as she values it
She's lost that. It is a loss. People grieve losses which come about from means other than death. In my case I would say it was and is a massive loss. I don't see my nieces. Mu eldest niece has got her first girlfriend. It's likely I'll never meet her. We couldn't celebrate her 18th birthday with her. The younger nieces don't know me. These are losses of the type that death brings though a direct comparison is not helpful. It's different from death in that someone is choosing this which is harder in some aspects.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/01/2020 09:17

@73Sunglasslover her friend doesn't have kids. She may never have kids. OP doesn't get to choose who her kid is friends with.

If she loses her friendship because of this, that's on OP.

JustACog · 06/01/2020 09:17

YABVVVVVVU

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 09:18

I’ll try again.

WHAT AGE ARE HER PARENTS, OP?

Billben · 06/01/2020 09:18

t I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now,

Of course she did. Who wouldn’t? The last time she brought the subject up you tore into her about it calling her selfish🙄

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/01/2020 09:19

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73Sunglasslover · 06/01/2020 09:20

Give her I'm not sure that's relevant. OP is grieving for what she hoped for, whether or not that would have happened in reality.

FinallyHere · 06/01/2020 09:21

I didn’t take it well

I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now

Have you considered the possibility that she is going in order to get away from you?

northernstars · 06/01/2020 09:21

I've been on both side of this. I emigrated at 21 and my best friend at the time laid a major guilt trip on me - leaving her as a single mother - and our friendship was never the same again.
Then about 10 years ago my closest friend moved 6000 miles away. We make it work and are as close as ever.
Things won't be the same for you ie missing chats over wine - but she will miss that too. She is not doing this big a move to intentionally hurt you so I'd try not to take it personally.
You will have a new normal and it will be ok. You both have huge changes coming - enjoy the adventure!

iem0128 · 06/01/2020 09:21

I have always found that "best friends" use us because we have something, knowledge, even houses that they don't have. I had a secondary school "best friend" who told me to my face that she should have gone to the university I had been to as she was a better person. Another told me that she nearly bought my house. And she kept asking me if her daughter was Oxbridge material. Well, I told her she was and she did go to Cambridge!

Your friend has been on the quiet, probably because it might not have worked out. Sometimes you have to see it from her perspective. Life is too short to bear grudge. Rejoice at the fact that you have at least one BEST FRIEND! You could joke with her that you're working on a Green card and might not come back and see her response!

Don't expect them to share all your secrets, which your twin, if you had one, wouldn't do!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/01/2020 09:21

@73Sunglasslover it's 100% relevant because if she's grieving for what she hoped would happen she's being unreasonable, because she's still putting her own feelings above her friends...

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 09:21

@ChicCroissant yes, I messaged her in the middle of the night but the first thing I said was that I wished her well. I also said that I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated which is how I feel at the moment just a few hours after finding out. Of course I want her to be happy and what is best for her, and I will do my best to be there for her.

OP posts:
XXcstatic · 06/01/2020 09:23

Don't burn any bridges, OP. Lots of people who emigrate to Oz come back. It's not the paradise Brits sometimes expect (I've lived there and loved it, but it has its problems like anywhere else). Your friend may well move home in time.

MarshaBradyo · 06/01/2020 09:23

You’re being very intense and she may not welcome that.

Message not a text I assume (ie wouldn’t potentially wake her up)

Willow2017 · 06/01/2020 09:24

The OP had hoped for their kids to be friends and had hoped the level of contact they had would continue as she values it
Op doesn't get to dictate where her friend live nor insist any future kids she may have are friends with hers. Her friend doesn't even have kids yet it could be years and ops child could be too old to be friends with them.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 06/01/2020 09:24

Totally understand your reaction but please dont tell her how upset you are,you'll make her feel terrible instead of happy.Just try and remember you'll get to visit her and vice versa and Skype

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 09:24

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BlueMoon1103 · 06/01/2020 09:26

To be honest in my opinion YANBU, OP. You are justified in feeling how you do, just make sure you don’t push your friend away with it. I completely get why your baby being due makes this worse. I had my son last year and none of my friends live close by, they’ve all moved away and I’m not going to lie it was hard. They all messaged but I had no one to meet up with, no one to go baby shopping with and share all the excitement (I’m a single Mum so no partner either) and it made me very sad. The good news is I made new friends at baby groups and I’m now very close to them. If I was your friend I wouldn’t have moved away so close to your baby being due and would have tried to stay around to support you a bit more. Everyone is piling on you saying you should be supporting her but she should be supporting you too! I think you both need to make the effort and realise there is no right and wrong here, your lives are going different ways and you should be supporting each other through it.

user1471582494 · 06/01/2020 09:27

Wow! Is everything always about you? Every single sentence was about you. It's her life, not yours.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 09:27

@CeeceeBloomingdale I’ve already said I regret my previous reaction. I feel we should support each other as we always have, but I accept things are going to change.

OP posts:
TheFoxAndTheMole · 06/01/2020 09:28

I really hope this is just pregnancy hormones making a mountain out of a mole hill.

You're allowed to feel however you feel - but you're not allowed to shit on your best friend's parade. Cry all you want to in private, but put on a smile and be nothing other than excited for her to her face.

Ome of my best friends is living the most amazing life an 18 hour flight away with a view to getting permanent residency. We have become closer since she left the UK, I talk to her much more than my UK best friend now, though i see the other marginally more often (i moved away within the uk.) We all have older parents whose health we worry about. I live in the same town as mine and have made the choice to stay living nearby.

Selfish means putting yourself first - I don't think it should have the negative connotations all the time that it does. My friend is absolutely putting herself first - but I think that's amazing and wonderful, and I can't imagine a world where any of my friends wouldn't live wherever in the world that they want to because of me - I wouldn't be able to live with myself, and nor would most parents.

You will soon have a new bundle of joy in your life. A healthy friendship would take a back seat naturally when baby is here, because the centre od your universe will be baby and the centre of theirs will not be.

I'm sorry but your friendship does sound unhealthy - you speak every day yet she didn't feel able to discuss her biggest life dream with you at all over the last 4 years. You're not as close as you thought you were.

You've both got husbands, you're a carer, you're about to have a child, she's about to set up a new life in a new country at a very difficult time. It would be healthier to not speak every day and live in each other's pockets. Maintaining a close friendship is going to depend on what she wants and needs, AND your ability to handle change and to regulate yourself.