To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

@Stefoscope I’ve already said I agree that I shouldn’t have said what I said previously and I do regret that.

Given that you threw your teddy out when she mentioned it last time I’m not surprised she didn’t tell you. This is about her, not you. You don’t own her. I don’t blame you for feeling bereft at the thought of her going but please don’t spoilt the friendship by being petulant. Be pleased for her and wish her well. It’s the right thing to do.

"I wished her well. I also said that I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated which is how I feel at the moment"

Stop pissing on her chips. Can you imagine how she is feeling? This is the most exciting thing to happen in her life and she hasn't been able to share it with you. Now she's had no choice, she's getting nothing but, me-me-me. You're not the friend that she thought you were. She must have been devastated.

She isn't going to be able to call you and share her highs and lows because of your selfishness.

I hope you grow up and gain a lot of self awareness and empathy before your child is a toddler. Because otherwise you'll have someone else significant, who can’t share things with you.

Sorry she has he own family now and has to do what's best for them. I'd go tomorrow. It seems to be a much better life. X

I’ve already said I agree that I shouldn’t have said what I said previously and I do regret that.
Did you tell your friend? T fiesnt seem like it because that's why she hasn't told you about moving until now.

Good grief sorry op but you sound totally over reliant on her. You seriously want her to stay around to meet you baby?

It's entirely your own fault that she didn't feel able to tell you sooner.

Once you have a newborn, you won't have as much time anyway and certainly won't have time to sit on the phone for ages in the evening.
Both your lives are changing. X

It's her life and she has every right to do with it what she wants. I happen to agree with you and think it very selfish that she is leaving elderly parents and would not do this myself, but it is up to her what she does! She is of course entitled to do what she wishes, but you are entitled to your thoughts too, as your life is affected.
I can understand why she was reticent to talk to you about it - I think it was a bit selfish to leave it so late to tell you - I expect that she was dreading your reaction and put it off.
In my experience it's best never to rely on 'best' friends as they do have their own lives to lead. My suggestion would be to concentrate on a wider group of friends in future.
I hope that you are able to sustain your friendship but it will be different.

GiveHerHellFromUs

Your follow up posts are still all about you and how her life plans affect you. Completely selfish. It seems to be lost on you that the reason it’s ‘come out of the blue’ is because you showed your true selfish colours to her and she didn’t want a bar of it.

Being upset about her move is completely understandable, it’s a big change and one that will affect how often you can see and speak with your friend.

But if you want to continue being friends with her, the only thing you can do now is be supportive of her decision to move. Be as positive and as happy for her as you can.

If you’re showing her that you’re angry, devastated, and making her feel guilty about moving away from you, then you could end up pushing her away. Her telling you about the move so late suggests that she’s been worried about how you’ll react.

I completely get why you are sad but you have no right to be angry.

Her whole purpose is not as a compliment to your life and fantasy of children growing up together etc. She's not an extra in your 'show'
She has her own life.

@rainbowdreamer0 that's good you've realised you were in the wrong for saying that, I'm sure we've all said things we regret in the heat of the moment. Did you ever apologise to her for the previous argument? I'd expect she put off telling you as she didn't want to upset you and for it to sour the last few weeks you spend together. It sounds like you care a lot for your friend and it would be a shame for you to part on bad terms. I would have a chat about how you can stay in touch once she moves, Skype, Facebook etc.

@Loopyloopy1 I do understand that it will be a big adventure for her and ultimately I want her to be happy.

Her parents are unlikely to be able to visit her from what she said yesterday (I wasn’t aware of that before). Her Father has health problems which means he is unable to fly.

If there’s one word I wish people would stop using, it’s “devastated”. It’s become so overused as to have lost its true meaning, and now just comes across as melodramatic and manipulative. To my mind, anyway, YMMV.

OP, you’re still making it all about you. Telling her you’re devastated - what do you want her to do with that? Apologise? Feel guilty? Decide not to go? She knows you’re upset. She’s probably sad to leave you, too. You’ve said your piece, now try to be happy for her, or she’ll stop telling you things altogether.

YABU. I can understand why you feel hurt, my best friend moved abroad a few years ago and I felt sad because I knew I’d miss him dearly but I still wished him all the best. You’re not being a very good friend, her life doesn’t revolve around you.

Her parents are unlikely to be able to visit her from what she said yesterday (I wasn’t aware of that before). Her Father has health problems which means he is unable to fly.

Ah, how old did you say he was again?

Of course she kept it from you. You're not remotely interested in where her life is going. Just your little friendship fantasy.

She might be your friend, but you are a friend for her at all, are you?
It's all about you!

You are not supporting her in the slightest, she can't confide in you, why do you think she should stay for you. Telling her that you will miss her enormously and you are very sad is one thing, but trying to make her change her plans because of your baby, trying to guilt-trip her about her parents.. that's not what a friend would do.

That's why she didn't tell you, you pushed her to detach herself, and rightly so.

Honestly, you do not sound like a friend at all.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily I am trying to respond to as many comments as possible. they are mid 70s but not the most active/well. I accept that might not be elderly to some but they are only going to get older and iller. Her Father is already in poor health and is not able to fly.

I’ve already said that I regret my comment, made four years ago. I understand that everyone has to live their own life and it depends entirely on your own family/priorities and that is a very personal decision.

My bf of 30+ years emigrated last year, I would have been incredibly ashamed of myself had I reacted like you have and she would have been devastated! I was upset Ofc I was but kept that to myself (excusing the years as they were leaving but we all shed many then)

I miss her like crazy but I love seeing her and her family enjoying their new lives. We skype all the time. You’ve been very self centred but you have some time to put it right before she goes, if you don’t the damage you’ve done may well be permanent.