To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

Sadly we can't control the lives of others.

I think you mean fortunately, we can't control the lives of others, @Mini, otherwise would you actually have prevented your sister emigrating because it would have upset your seven-year-old?

find it hard not to take it personally that a place is better than having your friends and family around - but we all have different priorities.

I think it would take incredible arrogance to think that your company outweighed the chance of living and working in an interesting new country. But then, these threads always suggest that British people have a deeply odd and smalltown attitude to emigration, to the point where they appear to regard it as a personal insult.

@GiveHerHellFromUs there is a difference between demanding an explanation and asking to understand her reasons. I am genuinely interested and I want to continue being as much a part of her life as is possible. Thanks for your input, I do appreciate it.

YANBU to be sad.
YABVVVU to be angry.

YANBU in terms of being upset. I think anyone would be down about that but at the same time you can’t expect her to stay just for you that’s quite selfish thinking.
She needs to live her life, and you need to let her go. You can still face time and Skype hell you could even visit at some point. It’s not the be all or end all. I wouldn’t make the last few weeks you have together miserable and sad, just enjoy what time you have left together probably why she’s only just told you now after how you reacted last time. Just be happy for her OP, you’ve got your happiness with your baby and she’s got hers.

find it hard not to take it personally that a place is better than having your friends and family around - but we all have different priorities

selfish bastards, putting their job, house, financial situation, kids environment, schools above their friends, who does that.

@Thinkingabout1t thank you, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I will do my best to be excited and supportive of her and to hide my sadness.

@FramingDevice think you mean fortunately, we can't control the lives of others

Yes that's exactly what I meant. I was just feeling sad while I wrote it, sorry. How is prevention ever an option? That would be unforgivable. As far as my sister knows, we were (and are) all very supportive and have followed her adventures with great interest - when she gets in touch. The sadness is all private. She would be devastated if she knew the hurt that's been caused to us and my mum.

@SunSeaCocktails thank you for your post, very thoughtful and again I hadn’t quite considered it in that way. You’re right, we are both going to go through massive changes and hopefully we can still support each other even if it from afar.

@LadofThigh thank you and for the good wishes. It’s an exciting time.

@rainbowdreamer0

I did not show any upset on the phone, I said I was happy for her and wished her well but needed some time to get my head around it. You’re entitled to your opinion as to my reaction

In which case I apologise, I read your post as she was made aware of your negative feelings, my bad. Hope you’re feeling better about things now though, it is possible to keep your friendship going strong when someone moves even if it’s far away x

The cunty bit was saying her friend had moved to another city to get away from her.

I would. I’d also change my identity.

@Kanga83 thanks for your post and all the best for your move.

In which case I apologise, I read your post as she was made aware of your negative feelings, my bad.

Soundbyte You weren’t wrong. OP texted her “friend” in the middle of the night to tell her she was devastated.

OP is still making her friend feel bad.

@TurkeyStuffingPudding thanks. You’re right and of course I want her to be happy and I will do all I can to help her in the next few weeks. The anger is pretty much gone now and I think that was a heat of the moment emotion.

Right now is the time to think practically. You are in the perfect position to make new friends right now. Join an antenal yoga group or an nct group. Make a really effort and get yourself a lovely support groups of friends in the same position as you. I have made some really good friends since having children. If you don’t meet someone that way try again with baby classes. Your life is gonna change massively and you would prob have made new fiends anyway. She can be someone you plan amazing holidays with in the future.

But she doesn't need you to understand her reasons. They are her reasons and it's her life, she doesn't owe you an explanation. You are going to make this worse.

My closest friend moved countries 4 days before my ds2 was born... (she didn't have a choice our husbands were both RAF) SInce then..22 years ago, we have only been in the same area briefly once, but we are still friends, and speak and text whenever we can, and meet up once or twice a year. I was gutted when she moved but, life goes on (and mine was difficult with no family near and ds2 was born with disabilities)

You will cope and adjust.

On the flip side, my elder son is emigrating to Australia next month to be with his fiancee. My son. My 26 year old lovely son. Trust me that feels pretty bad, but have I said that? NO. He is doing what he must to be with the lovely woman he is going to spend his life with, and while I will miss him terribly (we are very close) the reality is, even there he is only 24 hours travel away (and of course it's complicated..I have elderly parents, a disabled son and pets!)

I will be waving him off with a smile and then crying all the way back from Heathrow! But that's how it is. You support them and maintain the relatonship how ever best you can.

@heartsonacake you seem intent on just seeing the negative in everything I say. I wished her well on the phone and said I needed some time to process. She wanted me to call back but I didn’t feel able to as I was still in shock, very upset and didn’t want to risk saying anything hurtful. I then text her to wish her well again and I did also say ‘but I’d be lying if I didn’t say from a selfish perspective I’m devastated’. I also said that I would always be here for her and that I wanted her to be happy. We have always been totally honest with each other about our feelings and I’m not going to lie to her. For her part she has replied saying she wants me to know that I’ll always be her best friend and that we will still be in touch loads and that she’ll be home for holidays. She hasn’t told anyone other than her parents until now as she wanted to wait until it was all settled.

I had a very close friend who got really angry at me for moving 2.5hours away to get married. She was so cross we fell out badly, we tried to stay friends but she kept posting spiteful comments on my social media and in the end all contact stopped. She was married with a child and I wanted the same. I've since had a baby she's never met and when I go back to where I used to live she's the only one I don't visit. We could have easily kept a friendship going long distance (and mine is only a few hours drive) It's such a shame. I think she really expected me to settle down with a local guy only. I guess my career should have only been limited to local too? Ridiculous.

My guess is that your previous reaction has made her really reluctant to discuss it with you in case you blow off again. She's probably thinking that if you reacted so strongly and selfishly to the mere hint of her leaving, imagine how badly you'd respond to an actual plan to leave. Did you ever apologize?

But that's water under the bridge. It's how you respond now that matters. This is a momentous decision to make and I'm sure she hasn't made it lightly. If you truly care about her, you will be supportive and positive. This is about her, not you and your loss.

Somebody suggested it might help to understand her reasons and I think it would. I’m not going to try and talk her out of it or say anything hurtful.

I’d tread very, very carefully if you’re going to be asking her about her reasons. It would probably be best to avoid that subject altogether unless she initiates it.

I can understand where you’re coming from with wanting to know why, but given that she knows you’re upset about the news, it would be very easy for asking about her reasons to be interpreted as you trying to talk her out of things or emotionally manipulate her, and that could be damaging to your friendship.

I’m not saying that’s what you intend, but it would be very easy for it to come across that way.