To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

’You want her to sit down with you to discusd it. WTF for - so you do a bit more emotional blackmail? Your updates are all still me, me, me. Be very careful OP or you will lise your friend.’

Somebody suggested it might help to understand her reasons and I think it would. I’m not going to try and talk her out of it or say anything hurtful. She’s made her decision and I know I need to get behind her.

I'm all for supporting friends, but I can't be happy watching people chuck away all their pleasures in life to follow an unmovable man. It's always for a man.

Well, as the OP sounds as if she's in the UK, andthe friend met her Australian DP (presumably in the UK) enough years ago to have been serious enough about him to tell the OP they might move to Australia four years ago -- so it's not as if the DP has been sitting tight in his hometown in Oz his whole life. He's spent some years in the UK, and now he fancies some time at home. It's no longer transportation to a penal colony. The friend is presumably not being coerced and the planes run both ways.

And I don't think the OP is throwing her toys out of the pram on feminist grounds.

BOLD fail. I will try again!

@rainbowdreamer0

Of COURSE YABU. As if you need to ask.

It's not like she is your daughter. Though even THEN she would be entitled to do what she wants with her life.

There is also a reason why she moved away to another city; you sound hugely intense.

All this said, I can't understand why ANYONE would want to emigrate to Australia. Couldn't think of anything worse tbh. The terrible and tragic fires notwithstanding, it's too hot and barren for me, and WAY too far away from the rest of the world, and everything and everyone I love. A visit? Yeah sure? Living there? Not a chance.

@ohprettybaby

However, I am very family-oriented and do struggle with how people can do this and leave their elderly parents, loved ones and friends behind, knowing that some will never see them again. I cannot watch the TV programme 'Wanted down under' because I find it so upsetting that so many do leave their relatives and friends for the supposed better lifestyle.

I kind of agree. I don't get it either. As I and you and loads of others have said though, it's the OP's friend's life.

By the way OP... How old are you friend's parents???

It's weird how relationships with men always have to trump lifelong, family type friendships.

the selfishness of some posters is beyond words!

I think it's also because some people are naturally stuck in their way and too scared to imagine a life a bit different. They wouldn't move, so can't understand why anyone would. It's the same thing with jobs and money, some people are just resigned that life is just that, they moan about it, but would never try to change it.

It's a big world out there, some people have a chance to explore it a bit and take it. Shame they have no support but are surrounded by bitter and selfish "friends".

My sister did the same a few years ago. My DD was around 7 and they were very close. She was devastated then, and still is now despite the best efforts of all of us to stay in touch.

Sadly we can't control the lives of others.

No. It's funny how people living in a country with 4 seasons of rain want to swap it for a country of sun and kolas. We don't have kolas. We've just got rain. And slugs.

She doesn't owe you an explanation
You're either happy for her or you're not.

And I actually do think one shitty comment 4 years ago makes you a bad friend and you're lucky she didn't cut you off then.
If you carry on with the emotional blackmail she'll definitely cut you off when she moves.

It's fine to ask her what she's doing, where she's going, when, if you're actually interested.
It's not fair to ask her to explain why.

@TigerOnATrain I think it’s actually really nasty to suggest someone would move to get away from someone. Not that it makes any difference I moved, not her, but we are still only an hour apart and I still see almost as regularly as when we were in the same place.

I know Oz is a bit marmitey. I can understand the appeal with the good weather etc.

I find it so upsetting that so many do leave their relatives and friends for the supposed better lifestyle.

you make new friends. You keep your existing ones when they are true friends, and you keep your family.

Moving is the best way to know who was real, the ones you keep in touch and stay friends with are worth keeping. The ones who tend to make the most fuss forget everyone very quickly.

My best friend now lives in Florida and my DP best friend lives in Qatar. We both maintain good relationships with them. We're lucky we live in a world of message, FaceTime and everybody is only a plane ride away.
You need to support her and be a good friend.

Of course YABU, Rainbow, and i think you know it. I sympathise with you, and with your friend’s parents. But she is NBU, and a good friend would be glad she is enjoying her life.

You haven’t lost her. You can keep in touch via Skype, Facetime, social media etc.

But please - do get in touch quickly to send her love and good wishes. And show an interest in her exciting new life, just as you expect her to show an interest in hers. Your present behaviour risks throwing away the best friendship of your life.

@GiveHerHellFromUs I never said I wanted an explanation. She doesn’t owe me that and nor would anyone. I would like to understand though and I’d like to think that will help support her eg in managing her anxieties about her in-laws etc

And fair enough - you are obviously a saint who never makes any mistakes.

YANBU to feel as you do but you know your reaction wasn't great. One of my best friends moved and it's not at all the same. We don't see each other much (they've flown back but are not intending to for 5 years now and we can't afford it), our children don't know each other any more and it's just not anywhere near the same, though of course I still care. They are both British too so have left both families behind and find it hard not to take it personally that a place is better than having your friends and family around - but we all have different priorities.

I was going out with an Australian for years and it was one of the reasons it ended as neither of us permanently wanted to live away from family.

@FrancisCrawford that’s lovely

Where I can see why you are upset at her decision and the suddeness if it try and see it as a change not an ending
Both of you are about to have huge life changing experiences.
Once you have your baby your life will change in so many ways. Your friendships will adjust and your priorities and outlook on your social circle will change.
Honestly, im not suggesting thst if she wasn't emigrating you wouldn't remain friends but once you have a baby most friendships with people who don't yet have babies changes. It just does. Your whole life shifts in so many ways.
Your friendship would have had some changes anyway, no matter how close you are.
Her life is about to change hugely too. As someone who has moved arou d and had to start over a few times i can tell you, despite how wonderful it can round and look to an outsider, it can be bloody tough.
Your friendship is just going to change. The dynamics will change. You may well find other friendshipstgat suit your lifestyle better once you are a mum. I'm not saying she will be replaced but there will be new additions and changes to your life just because a baby changes so much of your life and general outlook.
Be supportive of her and try to realise that even if she wasn't going, your friendship will have changed dynamics anyway simply because you're about to enter motherhood.
You can still be close and good friends but it will be in a different way.
In a way be glad this has happened now and not whilst your life wasn't going to change.

Ooops - i mean “as you you expect her to be interested in YOUR life”.

@Greggers2017 yes I’m so grateful that we are in 2020 with all of the modern technology and it’s lovely you’ve managed to keep in touch so much.

It baffles me when people come onto AIBU, and when people say YES YOU ARE being unreasonable, they throw their toys out of the pram, pick up their ball, start walking off, and say 'you're all so MEAN!!!!!' FFS!

@rainbowdreamer0

You said Somebody suggested it might help to understand her reasons and I think it would

And then I never said I wanted an explanation. She doesn’t owe me that

Honestly if you want to keep your friendship alive just be interested and excited for her.
You're allowed to be upset and you'll miss her but you need to be happy for her.

Of course I make mistakes, I just don't emotionally blackmail people. You've acknowledged that was wrong and she didn't cut you off. You're lucky, as I said. So just try and be supportive and it'll all work out.

You are in shock understandably but YABU. My husband moved 6-7 hours away from his family to be nearer to mine. The long hours meant I was on my own and never saw my family so we moved nearer to mine. We told no one until we had jobs, a start date and a house lined up. 3-4 weeks notice is what our friends and IL's got. A few of DH friends cut him out, calling him selfish, what about their kids and their Saturdays out etc? It was really hard but we had to do what was best for us for our lives. To be honest your friend shouldn't have to wait for your baby to be born- that is your projection of what that relationship should be, it's your baby, not hers and she is free to do with her life as she wishes. I get you are in shock, but please don't make the next few weeks hostile. I understand why she didn't say until the last possible minute. We are looking at emigrating to Cananda now, apart from mentioning it in passing to my parents we wouldn't tell anyone until the decision was final with a leave date.

@RachelEllenR I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through similar and thank you for being so honest about the challenges. Thank you.

YANBU to be upset, I'd be heartbroken if it was my best friend.

Equally I'd be excited for her and do everything I possibly could to support her, because I love her unconditionally and want her to be happy. Her happiness is more important than my disappointment and I'd find a way for us to stay close.

YABVU to be angry, that's not fair and others have said, she's obviously been worried about your reaction based on your last conversation about it.

You have already damaged your friendship when you had your tantrum 4 years ago. I now you regret t but let that be a lesson that not every announcement needs an opinion from you.
I will admit that I would have loved her to be here for the baby and for the christening etc but clearly that isn’t going to happen and I’m going to have to deal with it
Theres nothing to deal with. You'll be having a busy day.
To be honest your posts sounds like your friendship is unhealthy and you are too dependent on her. Do you have any other friends?