To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

I wasnt aware that news of emigrating elicited any other response besides being happy for your friend/family member. I have waved people off, have been the one to receive the last minute call that they are leaving and hadn't said anything because they were still planning/earlier than expected/ were on the fence about going/not sure/unexpected job offer that was too good to say no to etc. And I have been the one who has also said last minute as well as lived in a bunch of different places. I have a strong family network and see friends and family all the time. I also have friends and family all across the world and I love it. Cries of "you will only see each other every 15 years", "selfish to leave parents and opt our family life " and "you will never see them again " are bull. Most people fly home every year or two. If they dont usually your relationship was not that good to begin with and you would spend years without seeing them even if they lived dow the Road or in the next city

Jesus Christ.
Have a look at yourself OP.
Up all night crying? Really?

If you aren't careful, you're going to lose your friend for good unless you grow up.

You spoiled it for her first time so because of this you weren't involved second time and you wonder why. You let your 'sister' go through this massive decision making process on her own because of your selfish actions. Skipped through most posts.but you seem to keep mentioning her elderly parents it has nothing to do with you and god forbid she gets wind of this post as you might find find that you lose her entirely! If you were.in my circle of friends I would know who.this was about.

@Wineislifex I will do my best to be supportive of her. It has hit me hard because it’s so out of the blue and I think once the dust has settled I will be a bit more rational about it.

*What on earth makes you assume I can visit?

What does it matter whether you can visit or not?

You've quite literally said you'd rather your sister was dead than happy in another country you can't visit.*

You introduced it. I thought you might have a reason for assuming I could visit. I did not say that BTW and I don't mean it. I'm talking about the loss not a death wish for my sister. I hope things go well for her and that the move brings about whatever it was she was hoping it would - and for my nieces too. I wish them no ill at all!

Just as an aside - how does your partner (and father of your baby) feel about you being up all night crying and messaging your friend?

@BobbyBlueCat so you’ve never had devastating news that has completely taken you aback and caused you to be upset. Lucky you.

Most people fly home every year or two.

That's not been my experience. It's too expensive for many. I think that would be very different but the friend I had who went to Australia 25 years ago has visited twice. Not through choice, through financial necessity. Flights from there are still very expensive though of course for some that's not a real barrier.

It's weird how relationships with men always have to trump lifelong, family type friendships. My closest friend moved away to be with a man and i know her well enough to tell her truly that I thought it was a bad idea. Why would I be happy for her leaving a fabulous job, international city and huge network of friends and support to go and live in a small town with limited opportunities, to be with a DP who won't move away from his parents?

When she finally made her decision of course I supported her, and we are still close friends. Many years later she can see that she made a mistake by moving but there's nothing to be done about it now as her dc are settled in their schools so she's stuck with it.

I'm all for supporting friends, but I can't be happy watching people chuck away all their pleasures in life to follow an unmovable man. It's always for a man.

I say this in the nicest way, but I'm getting the strong impression that she doesn't see the friendship in the same way as you do, OP.
I would tread very very carefully as its a lot easier to wind down a friendship after a big life event, and if you are overwhelming her she will pull away from you.

I had a friend who viewed me as their Best Friend Forever and she messaged me constantly - she would call almost daily on top of several messages a day, she would tag me in social media stuff - mainly poems about amazing friends etc etc and she would gush about our amazing bond.
It was agony for me, because I just felt smothered. She was clearly a lovely person, but I didn't feel the same way and felt enormously guilty for not being as committed to the friendship as she was. I kept trying to drift a bit, but it would make it worse - I even tried to address it head on but she saw it as me pushing her away because I was depressed, so she came in even harder.
I moved abroad for work and it was a lot easier to pull away then, though it still took time.
I still feel awful about it now as she cried when I moved away and seemed truly upset, so I don't imagine she took the end of the friendship well.

I’m also desperately sad that she won’t be here to meet the baby. Part of me feels like - what would be the harm in waiting a few more weeks? we’ve had discussions previously about her being the baby’s godmother etc and even if it seems selfish I know that if the boot was on the other foot I would unquestioningly have planned to be around for at least a couple of weeks. Neither of them have jobs lined up yet so I don’t see the desperate urgency. It just feels a bit like she doesn’t really care.

She could have all sorts of entirely valid reasons for her timing, for instance that that is when accommodation is available and they can't afford to pay for two homes, or that they need to get over there and start jobhunting as soon as possible. But even if none of that applies, they really can't be expected to base such a big decision on your personal circumstances. Face it, for you, no time would be good - if they stayed till the baby was born, you'd be saying they should wait till she's less hard work, or wait for the christening, or wait in case there are any problems.

Honestly thay quip about being selfish to want to leave due to elderly parents would have seriously affected my friendship with you. I would probably have kept the status quo but distanced personal discussions with you. And then your current reaction coupled with your previous one would definitely make me cool our friendship especially once I have left. Be careful not to push your friend out of your life. Your responses and actions going forward will either save or destroy your relationship

@Loveislandaddict thank you. I think you’ve summed up the two sides of it really well. I will do my very best.

My actual sister is living in Australia. Hasn't met my youngest daughter. So I can say YABU.
Be sad of course. I miss her terribly. I wish she was home. But I am so happy she is loving her life how she wants.

Why do you want to dictate and control her life?
Why should she may sacrifices because of her parents? Because they chose to have one child or because they may have failed to make adequate provisions for their later life. None of that is her problem.

My sister and I are constantly messaging on FB messenger. We speak frequently. It hasn't hindered our relationship at all.

@LigPatin thanks for sharing your experience. Obviously I don’t know what’s going on in her head but I know that she values our friendship and in fact she is the one who instigates a lot of the messages between us on a daily basis. We are very very close and I hope we can somehow continue for that to be the case.

@Equanimitas yes I think you’re probably right. I hadn’t thought of it in that way. Thank you.

When my sister left it was like a death, though worse in some ways as it was someone choosing not to be part of any family celebrations again

My sister emigrated. My husbands brother died.
So I can confidently say that you've typed the most stupid thing on the internet today. Congratulations. Give your head a wobble.

@stilldoesntknowwhatshappening

My sister emigrated. My SIL died. I don't think it is that stupid though maybe badly expressed. We don't need to agree though.

@katzenellenbogen he is away on business for a couple of days but he is very supportive. We spoke this morning and he said I need to try and relax and think about the baby whicu is true.

You want her to sit down with you to discusd it. WTF for - so you do a bit more emotional blackmail? Your updates are all still me, me, me. Be very careful OP or you will lise your friend.

Wow.

Are you going to try and control where your adult children live too?

You're going to miss her a lot.

You're also going to Skype and what's app a lot.

But in order for your friendship to survive, you need to be pleased for her and support her.

After all, she has her own life to lead.

@rainbowdreamer0

Of COURSE YABU. As if you need to ask.

It's not like she is your daughter. Though even THEN she would be entitled to do what she wants with her life.

There is also a reason why she moved away to another city; you sound hugely intense.

All this said, I can't understand why ANYONE would want to emigrate to Australia. Couldn't think of anything worse tbh. The terrible and tragic fires notwithstanding, it's too hot and barren for me, and WAY too far away from the rest of the world, and everything and everyone I love. A visit? Yeah sure? Living there? Not a chance.

@ohprettybaby

However, I am very family-oriented and do struggle with how people can do this and leave their elderly parents, loved ones and friends behind, knowing that some will never see them again.
I cannot watch the TV programme 'Wanted down under' because I find it so upsetting that so many do leave their relatives and friends for the supposed better lifestyle.

I kind of agree. I don't get it either. As I and you and loads of others have said though, it's the OP's friend's life.

By the way OP... How old are you friend's parents???