Finding cousins friendships pressure overwhelming

[Orangeblossom78]

My SIL says she never had a cousin growing up, and is keen for her young DC to be friends with mine. I knew cousins distantly as a child but not closely and not in touch as an adult, nor my brother.

I feel she has taken this idealistic view of a close cousins relationship and is imposing it on us. She keeps suggesting they can Skype and call each other, wants to meet up for holidays with the DC at least twice a year (we live at opposite ends of the UK)

Im finding it all a bit challenging. It is compounded as they are different ages- mine are now 11 and nearly 15, theirs are younger (9 and 11). Not a huge gap but I wonder if during teens they are starting to do their own thing more (my eldest is) and when we last saw them, it was a bit awkward.

If we say we can't meet I will me told. "That's a shame, our DH wanted to meet their cousins". And we get cards written by the parents 'from the cousins' but is is not really from them it is written by the parents!

I am not 'mean' and happy to facilitate this to a point. But I don;t think you can force friendships.
AIBU -

DC wanted to meet their cousins, not DH!

I have asked mine and they say they 'don't mind' seeing the younger children. It seems to be mainly the younger cousins wanting to go on their computer games to be honest, and gadgets! Last time my eldest escaped to the kitchen for a break. It seems quite one sided and don;t want them to feel they have to go this to keep them happy

I think you’re being pretty awful to be honest. Twice a year is nothing to see cousins. It’s really sad that you obviously don’t care less about your children having any relationship with them whatsoever.

I can’t imagine why any 15 year old would want to holiday with a 9 year old! Plus if you are at opposite ends of the country, a lot of close relationships with kids start when they are quite young because they live near each other and see each other heaps.

It’s a shame they don’t see each other more, that is why it’s probably awkward. I don’t think your sil is trying to force some ‘idealised’ cousin relationship though, just a normal one. Cousins are usually close. Maybe try a bit harder? Perhaps you could suggest some meet ups?

Twice a year is nothing to see cousins.

Travelling twice a year to the opposite end of the country would take up pretty sizeable chunk of a person's annual leave...

I'm not close to any of my cousins. Because we live miles from each other. When my kids were small, I tried to make them close to their cousins by inviting them over and making contact. But it didn't work out as they were always too busy to meet up. It's a shame. I think it's nice what your sil is doing, but understand that living at opposite ends isnt easy. I'd still welcome the Skype calls though.

I think kids can get a lot out of well maintained cousin relationships. My husband has great relationships with his cousins developed over multigenerational family holidays at the same cottage once or twice a year. His mom has confessed that she hated those holidays but her children loved them and they now have great bonds that still keep them close.

However, I see your issue about your own kids being sort of forced into a role they might not be so keen on. I do think it can be hard on older cousins , especially of their are just a few. Our own DC are the youngest amoung their cousins and we have adjusted things somewhat from the way my DH grew up because it became clear ours were a bit of a chore for their older cousins some of the time. So we make sure there are activities scheduled in and that we don’t just expect the older cousins to be childcare and camp counselors while the adults chat away.

They all seem to be keen on getting together though and I really hope the bonds they have developed last into adulthood because my husbands extended family have been a huge boon to him (and me and our DCs). So we really try to put some effort into making it possible.

YANBU if you can't make the twice a year visits happen, but YABU for resenting your SIL for trying to build a connection. And not sure if I'm missing something but you both have 11 year olds, why can't you encourage that they speak or text?

My cousin is my best friend. Our parents made an effort for us to all get together a few times a year and as a result we were friendly and comfortable and then when, as an adult, I moved to the same city, we became really really close. It's a wonderful relationship to foster. If nothing else the 11 year olds are the same age. The older and younger ones may rediscover a relationship when they are older and the age difference is less significant.

I think it’s different when families are in close proximation with each other - then I think you are more likely to get that familiar family relationship between cousins.
When they are on opposite sides of the country and different ages, it’s less likely that bond will form, even if parents try to nurture it.

Yanbu. You don’t have to holiday with them twice a year to fulfill your sil’s wee fantasy. I’m sure her intentions are good but it’s just not practical or reasonable to expect your kids, or hers, to fall into line and become best chums on the back of sacrificing your annual leave.

Yanbu.

I think yabu. My cousins are all 12-15 years older than me and despite living a 5 hour drive away our parents made sure we visited each other as much as we could. We loved up to them and they played with us and these days we're really close as adults. It's a lovely almost sibling relationship that i thought was a given but it seems it takes effort from both sides to establish early on. Spending time with people in different age groups is an important part of growing up imo, you learn patience, kindness, and can really be silly which in your teens is often forgotten about.
Obviously you'll do what you want but it's a shame for all the kids i reckon.

Looked up, not loved up. ^

I think yabu. Cousins can be a great relationship and as previous posters have said, it takes effort from the parents to make it work.

My nephew is maintaining a great relationship with his similar aged cousin who lives in Dublin, even if they only see each other every 5 years or so. He lives in Australia! But they talk about gap years and reconnect in seconds when they see each other. They never lived near each other. It’s through the parents behaviours that they realise this is a special relationship.

I'm assuming you would take it in turns to visit each other? So it would only be once a year you would need to travel across the country to see them. I don't think that's much to expect to be honest. Nor do I think it's much to encourage your children to be friendly and patient with other family members - especially when they see them so infrequently.

I say YANBU. My DM tried to force a cousin relationship between my DCs and DB's DCs. It just didnt work as they are different people. There was also a fair bit of emotional blackmail 'Cousin X was crying because she hadnt got to meet with Y'. All of this no doubt whipped up by my DM because she wanted my DCs to be on tap entertainment.

If there is no proximity then it is just luck as to whether they become friends during visits just as it would be luck if any other stranger was dropped in. Being cousins doesnt guarantee that they will get on or have shared interests.

I think YABU and sound mean sorry! In my view, the more people to love my dc, the better, and the more close relationships they have to sustain them through life, the better. I think you are being a little short sighted focusing on the current ages.

Friends come and go for the most part, and without being morbid, one day when you're old or not around, your dc will rely on their close relationships with others. A cousin can almost be sibling like.

I didn't live local to any cousins, aunts or uncles growing up but my dm and her siblings made efforts to keep us in contact even though we only actually saw them a maximum of twice a year. We loved seeing our cousins growing up and vice versa. We now maintain contact and would happily meet up despite being all different ages - it doesn't matter once everyone reaches adulthood.

My young dc are incredibly close to their cousins and we all make efforts to facilitate this. It is a joy to see and we all feel lucky that they have these relationships...as I say, more people to love my dc. We all have to make the effort though.

So there's a 9 year old, two 11 year olds and a 15 year old? Apart from the 15 year old (and its only 4 years from the two 11 year olds...) there's hardly a massive age gap on the go. I think you are being a bit short sighted actually. Yes Therese are age gaps that might be awkward at these ages, but when this group is 30, two 32 year olds and a 36 year old it will feel like nothing at all.

My DH has loads of cousins but is particularly close to a set of four of them, he is also one of four ranging from the young fest now at 34 to the oldest at nearly 50. All eight get on really well as adults and have been a huge support to each other over the years.

My own children also spend a lot of time with cousins (although all five children involved are very young) and it's a lovely thing to see. I think you should give this more thought as cousins can be a real support later in life in terms of things like family bereavement etc.

Sorry about the typing!

It sounds a if your DC have picked up your attitude to their cousins - you clearly aren't bothered so they're hardly going to be clamouring to see
them. I think that's sad.

Yanbu. I have 2 older cousins, one of whom I’m in touch with and speak to, but far more now than when we were small. We’ve facilitated our friendship ourself. I also have 4 younger cousins and a younger brother (I am the eldest on that side) and we were all very close growing up BUT we lived very near tjj in each other and were always at each other’s houses, like every weekend. I cherish all that time we spent together and I’m still close to 3 of 4 younger cousins. We went on one holiday together that I remember, and frankly for us it wouldn’t have been maintained if there was a distance like yours.

As others have said I’d begrudge the annual leave for 2 holidays a year!! I don’t see the problems in the Skype chats, especially as you both have 11 year olds. But by the age of around 13 I saw a lot less of mine.

My DC has no full cousins and is unlikely to. She does have some step cousins who live quite close to us, and my DSM facilitates a good relationship with them which I am grateful for although only one is the same age as my DC and the others are quite a bit older. I occasionally feel under pressure for days out etc but it’s nice to be included and I do decline if things don’t suit.

I think your SIL is pushing it a bit with the ages of your kids and the location/distance. You should know by now if they are actual friends or not!

I didn’t have a close relationship with my cousins growing up for geographical reasons mostly. As an adult I have an ok relationship with my cousins but mostly see them at family events (so funerals, weddings, christenings mainly). It’s fine. It’s nice to see them, but I don’t have a lot in common with them. My DH grew up in another country in close proximity to his cousins and also has this idealised view of cousin relationships. Hi sister has kids at the right kind of age for ours to mix with (ours are 5 and 3, hers are 4 and 1) but they live a couple of hours away so other than a few times a year maintaining that closeness is hard. I’m fairly ambivalent, if the kids like each other and want to get along as they get older then cool, if not then, whatever. DH likes to raise the cousins on some kind of pedestal above all other children we know which is sort of irritating at times. The kids are too small for it to matter right now, but as they get older it will come down to shared interests and compatibility personality wise for them to form a strong friendship which is more than just happening to be part of the same extended family. We have very different parenting styles which is a source of tension currently and may get better/worse depending on how that develops

I think it’s unlikely they are ever going to be close cousins unfortunately. Other than having a parent each that are siblings what else would bring them together as friends?

The only close cousins I know live half a mile apart, went to the same secondary school, both girls are the same age and both boys the same age. Not only do they have sibling parents but both mums were best friends before friend two married friend one’s brother.

As a result all their family meet ups, socialising and holidays are intertwined.

Me? Wouldn’t recognise my much older cousins who grew up 100 miles away.

By all means have a nice time when you meet-up but I think your SIL is a bit naive if she thinks they will be life long friends.

I love my cousin to bits, she is the first person I would go to if I have a problem, we don’t live close to one another geographically sadly, but my cousin means the world to me. She is been so supportive over the years. Our ages are close though, she is 6 months younger than me, I can appreciate that the difference in your children’s ages can be a factor. Family is very important to me, I have no parents, and very limited extended family as most have now passed away. Thank goodness I have DH & DS’s.

I have lived thousands of miles away from most of my cousins and it's always nice to catch up when we do.

Twice a year catch up in the same country doesn't seem unreasonable to me, as you both have 11-year-olds, but why, please tell me, are your children on devices when their cousins visit? Any wonder they want to join in and play too.

And having a 15-year-old doesn't exclude them from being pleasant and looking out for the younger ones twice a year.