Finding cousins friendships pressure overwhelming

[Orangeblossom78]

My SIL says she never had a cousin growing up, and is keen for her young DC to be friends with mine. I knew cousins distantly as a child but not closely and not in touch as an adult, nor my brother.

I feel she has taken this idealistic view of a close cousins relationship and is imposing it on us. She keeps suggesting they can Skype and call each other, wants to meet up for holidays with the DC at least twice a year (we live at opposite ends of the UK)

Im finding it all a bit challenging. It is compounded as they are different ages- mine are now 11 and nearly 15, theirs are younger (9 and 11). Not a huge gap but I wonder if during teens they are starting to do their own thing more (my eldest is) and when we last saw them, it was a bit awkward.

If we say we can't meet I will me told. "That's a shame, our DH wanted to meet their cousins". And we get cards written by the parents 'from the cousins' but is is not really from them it is written by the parents!

I am not 'mean' and happy to facilitate this to a point. But I don;t think you can force friendships.
AIBU -

Lovely to her

I think it's nice for cousins to have a relationship. DH and I just hosted his cousins for Christmas (as our siblings were abroad / with their PILs) and it was really lovely. Twice a year doesn't seem excessive, but if it is inconvenient for you on a particular occasion then of course you should refuse and ignore the guilt tripping.

Make an effort. I have the most wonderful memories of happy times with my cousins as a child (despite the fact we lived at opposite ends of the country). Our parents ensured we had time together and we forged a strong bond. We are all in our 40s now and still very close. I think the more people you form close connections with the better - and having connections with family (unless they're abusive or something) is very important. I've just returned from India and family is everything there. Cousins are seen as siblings and referred to as "my sister/brother" not "my cousin".

I didn't have first cousins (parents both only children) but was jealous of the close relationships my second cousins had with their first cousins.

My children adore their cousins. There are massive age gaps between different cousins in different sides but they're all really fond of each other. By the time they're in their twenties yours won't feel the age gap much. I think you need to approach this more positively.

YABU.

I don't have any cousins and was sceptical when my husband's brother and sister had kids and were excited about cousin relationships. Turns out - with a bit of effort on all sides - to be a lovely thing. We meet up a couple of times a year. Kids all in a 5 year age range. Skype occasionally. A bit of gaming in groups at home. And as they've got older a bit of texting. We've even had a couple of holidays (separate accommodation).

It's nice.

Meeting up twice a year is one thing, actually holidaying with them is another. Spending a couple of weekends together - ok - if you get on well with SIL.

Given the 11 year olds are the same age, I don’t think the age gap is that big.

I wasn’t close to my cousins growing up, but I’m glad of them as an adult.

Surely its not just about the cousins seeing one another though, is it? Don't you want to see your brother and his wife?

Unless you are talking Lands End to John O' Groats I don't think meeting twice a year taking a turn each to do the long trip, or meeting halfway for a long weekend somewhere is much to ask. We live several thousand miles away from some of our family and we still try to get together once a year.

I'm thinking perhaps you just don't like them very much.

Why not meet up half way a couple of times a year, maybe a picnic in the summer and somewhere dry and warm during the winter, No need to use your annual leave. What is the travelling time between homes?

Is the holidays in addition to meeting a few times a year or would that be the only time you meet?

My children are very close to their cousins on both sides (all adults and young adults now) and they look forward to spending time together. It's lovely to see.

I don't have a relationship with any of my cousins (paternal and materanl sides) in spite of their being no great distances between us growing up, because divorce and apathy on both sides meant that any contact petered out by while we were still children. It's a shame. I've not met most of my cousins' children bar seeing some babies at the odd wedding or funeral and they've not met mine.

I think it's a shame and it's in stark contrast to the relationships my children have within their own extended family. But then DH and I have always got along well with the siblings and their partners on both sides. It's always a pleasure to spend time together.

I think it would be worth making an effort to see them if you can .I am close to my Cousin ,even though there is a fairly large age gap . It is nice to have contact with other members of the family .

Have you ever fed back to her your experience of having cousins? Or do you just let her push and then grumble behind her back?

FWIW I had a close relationship with one cousin the same age as me, until my DM fell out spectacularly with hers and that was the end of that.

The rest of the cousins were a bloody chore.

You could perhaps do a few awkward Skype calls and then if it really isn't taking off, blame it on the age gap and say it would be different if they lived in the same town, what a shame but a holiday doesn't as if will be enjoyable.

I should have explained more in the OP.

We also have two other sets of young cousins in DH's family who we wee regularly (less intense expectations though) and also half cousins who we see now and again.

Dh was quite close to his family growing up and they have a less dysfunctional family than mine which was quite difficult, and yes I do have quite a strained relationship with my brother and his wife. Their DC chat a lot about adult stuff and bring it up, which i am unsure I want my DC being part of. There are also some behaviour / parenting issues.

I think the reason it is intense is they have other cousins their side but they have chosen to emigrate to another country- so they don't see them much. So for them we are 'the cousins'

But as we see these other cousins as well (and one is very ill sadly so that is also difficult) it is all a bit overwhelming, coupled with it being weeks / stays away.

They want us all to go on holiday together which I tried once or twice when they were little and it was difficult. They are quite controlling and only want to do activities which are free (they are not poor) such as walks and parks - which was kind of Ok when they were small but my eldest in particular gets a bit left out as a teen.

With the two 11 year olds that is a girl / boy combination and they have quite different interests.

I mean I have explained about the terminal illness in our other cousin but they still insisted on seeing us- it feels like they don't think of our situation but just their own. But yes I agree some cousin relationships can be good and wonder if there was a less intense way forward.

see regularly, not wee! ( a bit shattered by first day back as school)

"You could perhaps do a few awkward Skype calls and then if it really isn't taking off, blame it on the age gap and say it would be different if they lived in the same town, what a shame but a holiday doesn't as if will be enjoyable."

Maybe I'll try something like this.

"What is the travelling time between homes?"

At least seven hours, usually needs an overnight stay en route

"Unless you are talking Lands End to John O' Groats"

Yes pretty much. SW England to Scotland

"with so many cousins I get friends from small families saying how great it must've been growing up and it was in some ways but they're only thinking of the ready made friends part of a large family not the limited attention, various battles between siblings/cousins, not having your own space & the longing for 5 mins peace from your 6 years younger sister who wants to be like you & borrows ruins your stuff"

Yes this is how it is for us also. It is not always 'lovely' and can be very time consuming and leave little time for time together as just us. It has been leading to a bit of strain between DH and I as first we had all his family and then mine over the holidays with no break. It was too much.

You can't force a relationship between children, either the cousins click, or they don't. The older ones will become resentful if the younger ones are thrust upon them.

I had the same issue with younger cousins. Every time we visited FIL (we lived abroad so usually stayed for a week or so), SIL and BIL would drop their younger DCs off to have a weekend sleepover with their cousins, allowing them to have a nice child-free couple of drunk days at home. FIL thought that it was a great idea, but would disappear to his study as soon as they arrived. My DS (the oldest) would vanish leaving me and DD to entertain and feed the younger cousins. FIL always assumed that, as females, we would be delighted to nurture and protect the younger members of the family, because that's what ladies do. Seriously

I think meeting up for holidays depends on how close you are to your siblings rather than all the children, the cousins. If you want to see your brother and sil then you will be happy to arrange it but otherwise I don’t think you will make the effort.

I am very close to my cousins, and some second cousins, but some of that is because my mum wanted to see her sister and cousin a lot so naturally all of us cousins spent lots of time together as children. I now count them as close friends and people I would ring in times of crisis as well as sharing good news.

However my dc have cousins who live close by and are similar ages but not as close as we don’t see them nearly as much as not as close to dh family as we are to mine. We see them a few times as year but the dc don’t socialise or spend time together apart from then.

Yanbu, she means well but this is her own wishes for them to be close. Your eldest is already doing his own thing.
I think holidays twice a year is too much as well. Surely you use your leave for holidays you actually want to do?
She has this idealistic view and that's her own problem.
I have 38 first cousins. cousins from parents siblings , so very very close relation. We grew up with quite a few of them being in the same schools, similar ages, etc.
I see them now only at events. We all dont live close together and it's an effort and a half to get even a small group together. Besides, life moves on and you develop other relationships.
Theres no guarantee that they will be close when they grow up.

No you can't force friendships. DH grew up with all of his cousins all around him, his parents do not socialise outside the family and do not have "friends", just relatives. He was thrown together with lots of cousins all through his childhood, irrespective of whether they had anything in common apart from DNA. He doesn't see any of them now apart from at family weddings/funerals and we live a long way away from them.

My cousins are all substantially older than me - 10 to 15 years older than me. Nothing in common. Never see them, I have no relationship with them whatsoever. My own children do see their cousins occasionally but one set are a lot older, the other set live a long way away.

You cannot force relationships. Yes some people might have a close relationship with a cousin but many don't and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Personally I think it's better to encourage children to form relationships themselves and work out their own friendships.

Forgot to add - my dh has lots of cousins and they are all very close and in regular contact which I think has happened because despite living in a few different countries, they all used to spend the summer holidays together in their parents home town so have a strong bond now.

"Personally I think it's better to encourage children to form relationships themselves and work out their own friendships"

Yes I agree. I think I am also having a gut reaction to this guilting- which is also coming from by brother as well, (the same line 'our DC wanted to see their cousins' 'are sad they haven't seen their cousins' etc) as this was a common tactic with our own parents growing up.

I don't want the DC to think you always have to make other happy / be codependent. Sometimes family ties can simply be a way of controlling others.

To be honest, at 11 and 15, if the cousin close relationship hasn’t developed yet, it’s unlikely to. Can’t you meet half way?