Finding cousins friendships pressure overwhelming

[Orangeblossom78]

My SIL says she never had a cousin growing up, and is keen for her young DC to be friends with mine. I knew cousins distantly as a child but not closely and not in touch as an adult, nor my brother.

I feel she has taken this idealistic view of a close cousins relationship and is imposing it on us. She keeps suggesting they can Skype and call each other, wants to meet up for holidays with the DC at least twice a year (we live at opposite ends of the UK)

Im finding it all a bit challenging. It is compounded as they are different ages- mine are now 11 and nearly 15, theirs are younger (9 and 11). Not a huge gap but I wonder if during teens they are starting to do their own thing more (my eldest is) and when we last saw them, it was a bit awkward.

If we say we can't meet I will me told. "That's a shame, our DH wanted to meet their cousins". And we get cards written by the parents 'from the cousins' but is is not really from them it is written by the parents!

I am not 'mean' and happy to facilitate this to a point. But I don;t think you can force friendships.
AIBU -

My daughter hardly gets to see her cousins. She would like to see them morr but it's down to others not making the effort. We've tried to make the effort but have given up. She looks forward to seeing her friends more. I used to see my cousin's a fair bit growing up it's just a shame my daughter doesn't have that ☹️

If we met half way it would be Birmingham / Midlands also may be more pressure to stay together. That was a nightmare last time mind you they were small. Different parenting. We don't stay together now when they come, tend to get an air bnb. But maybe I guess the Lake district could be an option.

I don’t get this idea that they are not all the same age. Surely that is the glory of families, that children get to know and mix with the next lot up and the next lot down?. Of course the teenager will need to decompress at times, but they may also enjoy being the older one who plays the cool games etc? I think YABU. Twice a year and a bit of Skype should be doable.

The other thing I find difficult is the SIL will ask about next 'holiday' together in front of the Dc meaning they get this expectation, and I am out on the spot and need to reply in front of them.

I can see how they get disappointed if she is continually building up ideas about holidays etc- it makes things difficult. I do feel it is quite manipulative at times

I think YABU and sound horrible tbh! DC of different ages can get on and play together quite happily. My 13 year old ds has a great relationship with his 7 and 5 yo cousins who live at the other end of the UK.
I’m sure your 15yo is branching out and doing his own thing with friends but that doesn’t mean family relationships aren’t important for him.

Also 9 and 15 does seem like a big gap but when they’re 29 and 35 it will be irrelevant and they will have family bonds that last for life, people on their team. That’s the age gap between me and dsis and we’re very close.

YABU as well as unpleasant and silly imo.

I think any relationship won’t develop if it is forced - the words you have used are intense / overwhelming. From the way you’ve written this, I wonder whether this is more a stick to beat you with than a real desire for cousins to be close. Getting grief because you won’t use up lots of holiday visiting them or going away together can’t be much fun.

I don't really see the issue if it's just twice a year, that seems a balanced amount of time to spend with your cousins. It's enough to maintain some kind of relationship that they can continue or not as adults.

I think that you'd think differently if you had a DSis who you were close to and she had DC. I think the in-law part is an issue. You haven't a close relationship with SIL nor do you wish to. Therefore you are not forthcoming in facilitating a relationship with 'your' children and 'hers'.
I personally think it's lovely she is reaching out.

Ah - I’ve just seen your post about SIL asking when the next holiday will be. Yes, that is quite annoying.

I didn’t have cousins growing up (both parents are only children) so always assumed that having them would be like a marvellous Enid Blyton adventure all the time. Obviously this isn’t always the case.

Difficult one. I have 17 DN and N and genuinely love the bones of them all. My DC, now adults choose to socialise with them when possible and some live abroad. Their bond with the cousins who have a bigger age gap has strengthened as they’ve grown older.

However I don’t think they would have grown close as they reached early adulthood if they hadn’t had a lot of contact prior to that.

I would make the effort and as an adult myself I would encourage you to get to know your DNs. It’s such a rewarding relationship IME. Skype, WhatsApp groups and so on make it so much easier than it used to be.

I am really surprised by the views on here. I think it is worth maintaining some sort of contact between cousins but I think having to go on holiday with them when they are unlikely to have the same interests (15 and 11 is a big gap) is pretty unreasonable. I think you might be better off keeping a level of contact - maybe a long weekend here or there, but then maybe at 6th form/uni age they will be closer again - when one is 17/18, staying with your 22/22 yo to look at university options is a smaller gap in terms of interests and life stages than there is now. If I was 15 and was forced to spend a decent amount of my holidays with an 11 yo I would be resentful. I don't spend any time with the younger cousins that I saw a lot as a child (similar gap) mostly because our parents fell out and it became awkward, but also because we never voluntarily wanted to spend any time together so we didn't have any independent relationship - it was just pushed on me and my sister to babysit the younger ones whilst the adults hung out together - they were quite badly behaved and didn't share any interests. They didn't come to our wedding four years ago as we hadn't seen them in 10 years - I wish them well but I am not particularly bothered. The cousins I do like and see are ones that we only spent a bit of family time with as children, but are at similar life stages and have similar hobbies and interests.

I think that all of the cousins are now of an age - clearly have devices - that they would keep in contact directly and naturally if they wanted to - are they doing this?

I think you have a lot on your plate and you need to prioritise. Sounds like you don’t want to spend time with SIL and DB which is your right and the kids will pick this up immediately. Agree that they sound quite demanding and manipulative and it is v hard to holiday with people who you don’t like / share the same values and who parent differently.

The deeper story is important here. If there is background toxicity, controlling behaviours (only doing what they want) and FOG - then cut right back.

If you have been meeting up twice a year for last 11 then I think you have invested more than enough. If your kids arent

TLDR

If long weekends fine.

If week long, bad news. I think this about most extended family holidays, tbh. Most people don't like sharing spaces with people that they don't have a lot in common with for a week and it cuts into your other holiday options.

I don't really see the issue if it's just twice a year, that seems a balanced amount of time to spend with your cousins.

Have you clearly missed the part where op said that they live 7 hours apart and this would involve a planned trip. Days of leave spent just to fulfill an obligation?
The kids are at an age where they can choose their own friendships.

OP I think you need to start being firm when the manipulation remarks start.
She is forcing her ideal onto your family. In the same way, stand firm with your own.

I don’t see anything wrong with having a couple of long weekends a year catching up with family.
We have had holidays with my SIL and DCs cousins for several years since the DC were little, sometimes has been abroad or camping. Maybe the difference is we want to social with the adults as well as our nieces/nephews. That’s not coming across that you want to catch up with siblings.
On the other side of the family, there is a 7 and 10 year gap but they enjoy playing with the little cousin just as much.
I don’t see my cousins at all so I love that my DC adore their cousins.

You have 2 dc exactly the same age. Ok 15 year old might not be so keen but they should still be encouraged to engage with family at that age I think, just for normal developing of social skills if nothing else. I think YABU 1-2 times a year is nothing. Make it somewhere/ something your dc will enjoy - sounds like she's prepared to make the effort so would be accommodating. My dc have a fantastic relationship with their cousins and a once a year type, bit more organised as you describe one with one of my cousins dc but they love spending time together too.

I would follow the lead of your children... are they interested in it? It does seem a bit sad to not have a relationship. I have a lot of cousins and never, ever see them, though I was a bit closer with them as a child. I always felt jealous of my friends with big families who talked about cousins and we’d see them out and about or at school. I know that wouldn’t be the case for your children anyway, with them living so far away.

I wouldn’t say the age gap is a huge problem, it depends on the kids themselves. My eldest son is twelve and my youngest is four. Their cousin is nine months old. The four year old is less interested in seeing them (though enjoys it when he’s there now that they can sit and laugh and things) but my twelve year old is always keen. Twelve year old can’t wait until they’re a bit older and he can babysit! He has his background phone picture as a photo of him holding them. He is strictly speaking a half cousin, but that doesn’t make a difference.

I suppose the other big difference is that we are already close to my in laws and live close by, which they planned. My brother in law in particular is very keen to have close family relationships, as he and my husband were very close to their cousin as children and we already enjoyed spending time together before they had a child.

Why don't you offer the option for the 11 year old to come for a long weekend or week in the school hols more like an exchange - would be possible for them to fly unaccompanied and be picked up the other end at their age? Then you don't have to go through a massive palava and involve the 15 yo?

Yes quite a bit of FOG going on. Maybe PP saying I sound horrible have not grown up with difficult families themselves- it is not simple.

I think if the 11 year old came the younger one would feel left out. But yes that might be an option in the future.

About once every one or two years our family gets together (we live far apart), and it's lovely to see the closeness that has always existed between the children. The oldest group are now aged between 19 and 27, and they are so thrilled to see each other, though I don't think they keep in touch in between these family gatherings, except on Facebook or Instagram.
My own children , now in their 40s, still love their cousins and will make the effort to see them when they can. As someone who has found cousins and distant cousins late in life, I can't stress enough how important these relationships are.

I had no cousins so make a real effort to make sure my children value theirs (who are all through my husbands siblings). I hope that my BIL and SIL don’t think this of me; I’m just trying to be nice.

I think what your SIL is trying to curate is nice. You obviously feel pressured by it and also don’t value it the same way she does.

My husband’s cousin is like a sister to him and she’s quite a bit older, by 8 years or so but it has never stopped them being close.

I think about my mums friends coming to visit with their kids - various ages older than me and my memories of having so much fun still remain to this day. Okay, we didn’t have iPads to distract us but they never shut us out of anything. I think it’s good for older children to engage with people younger than them as it helps them develop interpersonal skills and look after people. Tbh my husband (and me to some extent) never spent time with anyone much younger than ourselves and it makes it quite hard to interact with little children... but people who have done it because they’ve always been around people a little younger than themselves find it a bit easier because it’s a practised skill.

Maybe think a bit more outside the box with activities to do together, am sure you could come up with something!

I'm not close to cousins and don't feel we've missed out kn anything. If they were round the corner and had built up a friendship, fair enough embrace it, but no point forcing these things. Don't her kids have friends? For me, cousins are just not that important... happy to see mine at weddings and funerals

Cousins can be great - a bit comfortable, like siblings, but without the intensity. Really, I think extended family are generally a good thing for kids, and try to keep up with mine, even though most of them are overseas.