Finding cousins friendships pressure overwhelming

[Orangeblossom78]

My SIL says she never had a cousin growing up, and is keen for her young DC to be friends with mine. I knew cousins distantly as a child but not closely and not in touch as an adult, nor my brother.

I feel she has taken this idealistic view of a close cousins relationship and is imposing it on us. She keeps suggesting they can Skype and call each other, wants to meet up for holidays with the DC at least twice a year (we live at opposite ends of the UK)

Im finding it all a bit challenging. It is compounded as they are different ages- mine are now 11 and nearly 15, theirs are younger (9 and 11). Not a huge gap but I wonder if during teens they are starting to do their own thing more (my eldest is) and when we last saw them, it was a bit awkward.

If we say we can't meet I will me told. "That's a shame, our DH wanted to meet their cousins". And we get cards written by the parents 'from the cousins' but is is not really from them it is written by the parents!

I am not 'mean' and happy to facilitate this to a point. But I don;t think you can force friendships.
AIBU -

It all feels very forced OP. We had relationships with cousins who lived down the road and a few streets away but not really with those that that lived in the opposite side of London, although we had fun when we saw them.

Proximity really helps unfortunately.

OP I get you. We have a very similar situation, although the kids are close in age.

I feel SIL wants us to provide this idealised cousins/big family image for HER kids, but it could be with anyone. It has nothing to do with wanting to be friends with us, or them particularly knowing or liking our children. I’d have no problem with it if SIL was doing it because she likes us so much and loves our kids. It’s like we are ticking a box in her head that says ‘big jolly extended family’.

The holiday expectations are pressurising because they want to join up for our main summer holiday. We really don’t want to spend this with anyone, let alone family we don’t really feel relaxed with. SIL and BIL have a very lax parenting style and allow their kids to play rough to the point they damage holiday accommodation and often hurt our kids. I end up refereeing all week. It’s boring and ends up making me angry.

We’ve ended up being clear we’re not available for a summer holiday but offer an annual weekend, and meet them for lunch in a convenient place now and then.

If our kids are going to be friends in future, they’ll decide when they are older. The pressure just makes it less likely and damages the relationship between families, IME.

Fourstars that does sound similar. I feel the same, they don't know us that well and if her own sister was nearby we would probably be dropped and that sister focused on. She had quite a tragic upbringing herself with loss and trauma and seems to be trying to make this perfect extended family. They are also trying to get me in touch with my own toxic parents so it will all be 'happy families' again.

With us too it is summer holiday also, but also Christmas and they ask about other school holidays too. Also the similar issues with behaviour.

The meeting on neutral territory thing might work for us too and an annual weekend. I could pre-empt them asking and arrange this perhaps so be more in control. Could maybe take them on the train myself and stay nearby as have a friend I would like to catch up with near them also. Food for thought. Thanks

Yabu. But you clearly have different values. So rather be straight and tell her. So she can invest in people and relationships where value is mutual.

I grew up abroad, we had cousins to stay for the summer in a couple of occasions. I am not in contact with the ones who visited but have become very close to another cousin who shares all my adult interests. I 'met' her through a shared interest rather than as a cousin.

DSis's children have grown up in the same country, quite close to each other and take every opportunity to get together. I see how lovely it is to see them growing up together. But they live an hour apart and meet up in the middle at their parents house.

In your place @orangeblossom78 any time SiL tried to guilt you into meeting up more than you would choose to, I would sigh and say oh, if only you could move up here and they could be in touch daily.

Then live your life to suit your immediate family.

I do value family but I also have a more realistic view of the problems as well as the benefits.

I think you're the one being weird about this to be honest. It's not "trying to make this perfect extended family" to think that cousins should have the opportunity to know each other well and be friendly.

For me, cousins are just not that important... happy to see mine at weddings and funerals

I agree. But this is one of those topics where people just can't see the other opinion. I cannot understand why on earth you'd want to socialise with family and put cousin relationships over friends, but that's probably because it's totally alien to me given that I don't have any sort of relationship with any of my cousins. People who have very close relationships with cousins can't get their heads around why anyone would ever not want to be the same as them.

You're not wrong OP, you're not selfish and you're not depriving your kids of anything. But lots of people will tell you just that.

The other thing I find difficult is the SIL will ask about next 'holiday' together in front of the Dc meaning they get this expectation, and I am out on the spot and need to reply in front of them.

Tell them you don't have any spare leave left, and leave it at that.

@Cohle, I really can't see what is weird about OP's view. There is no reason why cousins should automatically be close to each other, particularly when there are age gaps, and the reality is that cousins who live seven hours apart are never going to get to know each other well.

The insistence on shared holiday is particularly overbearing; in my experience sharing holidays is almost inevitably disastrous unless you have a LOT in common with the other family, which obviously isn't the case here.

Well most people think extended families have a lot in common on account of being related . And no, they aren't going to get to know each other well unless OP is prepared to make some effort.

I'm not sure why SIL is getting all the blame here either. What is the brother's/husband's view in this.

My brother seems to go along with what his wife wants. He seems quite fed up / quiet most of the time. Tells me what she thinks / says as 'we'.
My DH finds it stressful however tries to make an effort. He tends to suggest more interesting and fun activities for us to do but that is always rejected as it costs money and needs to be free. In particular they seem to favour long family walks where they can talk about extended family issues in my parents etc. In fact when we meet there is little interaction with the DC at all or interest in them really. It is all quite strange.

Cohle in my case, the only thing our families have in common is that the husbands are brothers. The two brothers get on fine, but are very different. SIL and BIL have totally different values to DH and I, not only the parenting front, but a very materialistic and snobbish attitude. They are totally self centred. Our kids are very different in personalities.

Why you’d assume we would have a lot in common because our husbands share a few genes, is a mystery.

SIL tends to ask quite a lot of intrusive questions and talks a lot about my parents who I am NC with

Good grief, YANBU.
You dont owe anyone your time, your children aren’t entertainment or babysitters and if the relationships haven’t formed naturally it’s wrong to force them on your children.

If your kids aren’t enjoying these meet ups then why force it on them? Why does SIL get to take over their school holidays?

If you really want to see Sil & kids then offer what you can manage without resentment. I had a difficult family and understand feeling beholden to the point of dreading seeing people.

Let Sil come to you to an activity your kids like, anything that costs you too much time, money, dread... just say “thanks, but that doesn’t work for our family”.

Families can be tricky, I hope you find what works for yours 👍x

I wouldn’t recognise my cousins if I walked past them in the street but I envy those who have those family relationships.

Of course there are exceptions but a great many people share more than "a few genes" with their siblings. Shared childhoods, shared memories, family members, family events, responsibilities for elderly parents etc etc.

Only on Mumsnet is every other poster non-contact with their narc parents. In real life quite a lot of people have relationships with their families. It seems odd that the OP seems to find that so unusual and unpleasant a desire from her SIL.

Maybe PP saying I sound horrible have not grown up with difficult families themselves- it is not simple.

My family is as difficult as they come.

But perhaps you haven’t explained the dynamics well in your OP? I don’t love spending time with my parents but in healthy circumstances I think relationships with grandparents are important iyswim.

Well, my NC mum has also been using SIL asking her to tell her stuff, even the niece has been bringing odd 'messages from granny' - I don;t sure with bringing your DC into dysfunctional adult drama, under the guise of 'happy families'. But each to their own

Had the same kind of crap myself as a child.

Your SIL sounds very unaware of the realities of family and in particular your relationship with your parents. Very insensitive and unempathic.

The crux of it is surely, that you don't enjoy spending time with your brother and SIL and your kids don't enjoy spending time with their children.

Cousins or no cousins, it isn't working! Add into the mix the distance and it is a no go.

There are what, eight of you in this mix and everyone is trying to please one person, the SIL. Don't let it happen!

I would honestly just say no. No to face time, no to holidays. You are busy. I am sure you don't have time to do the things you actually want to do, let alone fit in people who you don't want to see!

It's sad for your SIL but that is for her to sort out.

It’s good that you have spotted your SIL sizing up reintroducing your toxic parents be v careful of that.

Listen to your gut here OP - as you seem to be doing. There is no way I would be spending my precious annual leave accommodating the fantasies of a SIL and DB who at best you sound indifferent and skeptical of - and at worst find barely tolerable. Your 15 year old has maybe 2-3 family holidays left - give yourself permission to feel what your feel and do what you want for your immediate family.

If you can see that your DCs relish the relationship then facilitate it - if they don’t don’t bother.

As a compromise I would meet half way once a year for a weekend and each year one family chooses the venue / activity. Soon you can pack all the kids off to a PGL together where they can bond to their hearts content and the parents in his case are relieved of the pantomime.

I have 58 first cousins - a v close family network - they all live between UK, Ireland, Australia and US. We spent a lot of time in childhood at DGPs house in Ireland in summer - there was lots of fun and plenty of fights. As adults we all get along if we meet at weddings / funerals etc - there is genuine familiarity and affection - there are lots of little groups where lives and friendships have endured much deeper - I have 4 cousins that I would consider v close bonded with and do have holidays with them - there are other cousins who there is no way I would actively chose to stay with or holiday with. What’s lovely though is our DCs are now v close and friendly with cousins DCs - but no more so than with my best friends DCs ... I think the bond reflects the bond between the parents.

Decide what suits you - make a small compromise if you wish - but trust your gut, feel your feeling, express your needs and wants - which is something dysfunctional families actively stop you from doing.

I think I will try and go from what the DC want with their cousins and give them the choice as they get older. And be very wary. Using the grandchildren as flying monkeys is a bit much (and horrible for them).