Finding cousins friendships pressure overwhelming

[Orangeblossom78]

My SIL says she never had a cousin growing up, and is keen for her young DC to be friends with mine. I knew cousins distantly as a child but not closely and not in touch as an adult, nor my brother.

I feel she has taken this idealistic view of a close cousins relationship and is imposing it on us. She keeps suggesting they can Skype and call each other, wants to meet up for holidays with the DC at least twice a year (we live at opposite ends of the UK)

Im finding it all a bit challenging. It is compounded as they are different ages- mine are now 11 and nearly 15, theirs are younger (9 and 11). Not a huge gap but I wonder if during teens they are starting to do their own thing more (my eldest is) and when we last saw them, it was a bit awkward.

If we say we can't meet I will me told. "That's a shame, our DH wanted to meet their cousins". And we get cards written by the parents 'from the cousins' but is is not really from them it is written by the parents!

I am not 'mean' and happy to facilitate this to a point. But I don;t think you can force friendships.
AIBU -

Just seen your update. SIL has an agenda (if she is even conscious of it) - she is a flying monkey for your Narc ‘D’M. If this is now v overt with the niece talking about granny - they will be v stressful for your DCs. I wouldn’t expose them to it.

Gutterton Camomiletea thank you for the insightful posts.

Nice is not just talking about granny she is telling me 'granny said to tell you" and the like. SIL / BIL not batting an eyelid.

Or be v blunt with SIL - out down boundaries - not chewing over old family rifts on long walks, you have moved on, not looking back and are not reviewing NC. Ask her not to discuss parents and ask her to tell her DC not to bring this up either.

Once you have put in this boundary I doubt she will bother trying to book holidays.

I would also be concerned about what she was feeding back to your DM.

Yes the DC will get it too. It will be "Granny asks why you don't see her. Granny is really sad" etc etc. at the least. They allow the niece to go stay with her alone till the niece actually asked to stop this herself. using the niece to placate "Granny'. Poor kid.

Cousins can be great - a bit comfortable, like siblings, but without the intensity. Really, I think extended family are generally a good thing for kids

This. I wasn’t close to my cousins growing up and haven’t seen them in decades because of family breakup but we had surrogate cousins - children of friend of DM - who lived at the other end of the country and with whom we became great friends due to holiday adventures together. We are still friends and care for each other 50 years on.

My DCs have lots of nearby cousins and I am so pleased that they have this. Oldest is 17 and youngest is 9 so not that much in common now but they’ve spent important days together (Christmas, significant birthdays for the older generation) and they share grandparents. These are connections I want them to have even if it’s only they can say ‘didn’t you always think Uncle Mike was annoying with his endless ranting about Brexit’ or ‘I can never make sponge cake as good as the ones Grandma made’.

It’s just connection and family.

Suspicious of those proposed Skype calls - bet granny will coincidentally be visiting and will join the call.

Yes well mine also have their other cousins nearby so have that connection also.

Yes "Granny"s recent tactic has been sending DC postcards addressed directly to them so they see them before me. Guilt inducing postcards.

I wouldn't put it past her / them. If SIL /BIL had been a little more cautious with her it might have been possible to have some kind of relationship with the cousins. It is a shame they have chosen to allow this unhealthiness into their DCs lives. But that is their choice not mine.

My siblings did fuck all to build the relationships between their kids and mine because of the age gap. It pisses me right off.
I have stacks of cousins and there is one I am particularly close to as an adult. That cousin is about the age gap between my daughter and her own first cousins. We live in different countries (and time zones) and our parents (now dead) worked hard at the relationship. This was back in the 70s when there was no Skype or whatever.
I suppose forcing it isn't helpful but I'm sure you can work something out. And you should. Just because your SIL is a bit cockeyed and full on doesn't mean you can't.

Your DCs are being emotionally manipulated in from of your eyes. Put a stop to it right now. If your SIL can’t see this and that he own DD is part of the system then that’s not your issue.

Big red flag with the Skype calls - but something these kids do - they have a million other platforms that they can connect through. Your DM is behind this. Sounds like your DB is being pushed around by your DM via the SIL.

I expect every single word spoken on those walks goes back to DM to be chewed over.

Batten down the hatches ....

Yes I'll be really careful. I am also being careful with my En Dad- he does this thing of having her there and calling, etc (even though they are divorced) It is really not easy.

And I do agree it is coming from her. I have also had SIL / Bro asking me about her coming on social media- they were talking of buying her a computer to do so- after I went NC..it is all about them getting me roped in. Even through their DC.

@Cohle

I think this is just something that people disagree on.

My DD has far more in common with my friends' children - their parents have similar values, interests, hobbies etc. Cousins may share some genes, but that doesn't necessarily mean a similar upbringing or interests - great when it does but i don't think you can force it.

I agree that all families are different.

And my post was before the OP made clear that there are other issues with her SIL.