Finding cousins friendships pressure overwhelming

[Orangeblossom78]

My SIL says she never had a cousin growing up, and is keen for her young DC to be friends with mine. I knew cousins distantly as a child but not closely and not in touch as an adult, nor my brother.

I feel she has taken this idealistic view of a close cousins relationship and is imposing it on us. She keeps suggesting they can Skype and call each other, wants to meet up for holidays with the DC at least twice a year (we live at opposite ends of the UK)

Im finding it all a bit challenging. It is compounded as they are different ages- mine are now 11 and nearly 15, theirs are younger (9 and 11). Not a huge gap but I wonder if during teens they are starting to do their own thing more (my eldest is) and when we last saw them, it was a bit awkward.

If we say we can't meet I will me told. "That's a shame, our DH wanted to meet their cousins". And we get cards written by the parents 'from the cousins' but is is not really from them it is written by the parents!

I am not 'mean' and happy to facilitate this to a point. But I don;t think you can force friendships.
AIBU -

Cousins are usually close. Maybe try a bit harder? Perhaps you could suggest some meet ups?

I don't think you can honestly say that, it all depends on circumstances. There's no intrinsic reason why children should be any closer to their cousins that their friends. Forcing this, particularly when they live so far distant, will just make it unnatural and awkward. If they're not close now after what is presumably several years of trying, nothing much is going to change.

It's also unrealistic to suggest that OP suggest meet-ups if they live at opposite ends of the UK. It's not reasonable to expect the family to use all their holiday time meeting the cousins rather than doing their own thing, particularly with the age gaps involved.

Twice a year isn’t a lot. Presumable the adult siblings would want to see each other too unless they really don’t get on???

Why is she suddenly so keen now, when her youngest is 9? Maybe if they had grown up visiting each other they would be close but it seems like it's a bit late now!

I'm close to all my cousins - some are my age but the youngest is 18 years my junior. We all live within a few hours of each other and meet up regularly each year. But it's always been that way. If we had never met and then suddenly started getting together when I was 15, I would probably be a lot less interested.

It sounds too late and too far for me.

As long as your children want to meet up then keep doing it.

If they state they are not interested don’t force it.

Could you do a holiday over a long weekend ( haven or hoaseasons type ) for a long weekend and call that the yearly or bi yearly get together? provided cost is ok of course.

It all depends on the kids, I adored my cousins I was about 4 years older than the next oldest cousin and my brother 9 years .
And we both loved time with them ( though didn’t get in together ) he would retreat at times but normal teenage behaviour

That being said they lived local , we played from a young age / I helped changed their nappies as babies and we had time to build that relationship and we just meshed, also I am closest to my cousin who is 8 years younger now ( I am 36 now , so age really is just a number ) ... but not everyone is meant to be everyone’s friends so let the kids lead the way

We didn’t get on not in

Ugh, I hate this assumption that because people are related they will automatically be besties.

I have cousins all over the world, as well as some nearby.
I am far closer to the ones I didn't know much growing up, than I ever have been to the ones I could have seen weekly. Some I never ever see.

Dds cousins live in Scotland...other side of country and she's a lot older than them. But she adores seeing them and they love seeing her. Yabu.

It’s not too late or too far. And it’s only twice a year.

When these children are older and you and dh pass away they could be the only link they have to each other as family.

We read lots of threads on here when some one hasnt any friends or any family members to talk to and are very lonely and depressed.

Some people are so dismissive of making potential long term friendships or contacts then they wonder why they are alone in the world.

It’s probably because it’s not your blood relationships and you feel no reason to see them. If anything it would be good for your dh and his sibling to see each other if they met up twice a year with the kids with out you.

Encouraging it is one thing, this feels kind of enforced. If you lived closer to them, it wouldn’t be an issue at all. I didn’t grow up living near my cousins until I was 10. They live about 10 miles away and we still only meet up once a year, at most. I care about them, and will always be here for them, but we just don’t have that sort of relationship. You never are going to if you live opposite ends of the country. There’s no getting away from that, unfortunately.

I live in a different country to my siblings.
My DS is bf with his closest in age (girl) cousin.
He also loves his youngest cousin who is 7 years younger.

I think yabu. You should definitely encourage some kind of relationship between the 11yo.

I think YABU.

Two of my cousins are my closest friends and were both bridesmaids at my wedding.

And to add there is a 7 year age gap between us.

If two of them are the same age why can't they be friends? Why are you against it? Do you not want them to be close?

Unless there is a drip feed coming YADBU.

My cousin is my best friend and we are as close as sisters. We grew up all round the country when we were younger, but when I was 10 we moved across the road from them. They moved away for a few years when we were 15 but came back and even when we lived further away from each other, have always been close.

I can understand the 15 year old being a bit detached from the younger ones but the 11 and 9 year olds are all in a similar age group. The distance may be a bit of an issue but once a year meeting halfway sounds reasonable even if it's just for a long weekend. Do you now see your sibling?

I have 19 cousins with varying degrees of closeness. Some I see at least weekly, in contact most days, some I see in passing out & about as we live in the same area & it's always pleasant enough catching up, others I see at family funerals & that's it.

My DC's have 20 cousins & the only close relationship between them is my eldest, one of my nephews & one of my nieces - they're all around the same age & have always been close.

The closest cousin type relationship is actually between DD2 & one of my cousins DD's - theres only a few months between them, we live 5 mins away & they went to the same school.

It's not something that you can force, the relationship either develops naturally or it doesn't.

Perhaps your SIL has a rose tinted view of a relationship she's never had - being one of 9 children & with so many cousins I get friends from small families saying how great it must've been growing up and it was in some ways but they're only thinking of the ready made friends part of a large family not the limited attention, various battles between siblings/cousins, not having your own space & the longing for 5 mins peace from your 6 years younger sister who wants to be like you & borrows ruins your stuff (I love her to bits now but could easily have throttled her many times over as children).

I am incredibly close to my cousins and we are now all adults and continue this with our children.

As children we would have regular sleep overs, holidays together.... and no we aren't all local.

Today as adults we meet In January, May, and August.... and have add ins where we don't all get together. Our kids love each other and are aged 0-14. We camp in May and August, and have a sleep over in January. We aim to meet in the middle of our locations so we have a few hours drive.

So what your SIL is asking really isn't much. My relationships with my cousins are as close if not closer than I am with my siblings due to our parents ensuring we saw each other growing up.

I’m very close to three of my cousins. Two are around the same age as me, but one is 10 years younger. We meet up frequently and chat on what’s app.

This appears to reflect our own experience of being part of an extended family. If you have been part of a large loving family network that includes cousins, aunts and uncles, then I guess you are more likely to see the merits of it.

The cousin relationship will naturally follow the sibling relationship I think. Is your DH not really bothered about maintaining any kind of relationship with his sibling? Or you with your brother, depending on which side SIL this is?

there is a 5 year age gap with me and my cousin, (both of us women in our 20s) we are best friends, we live together and even moved country together!
This was only possible because our parents were close and so we were around each other a lot.
We both have siblings who are close with each other as well!

I forgot to add,
until She was 18 she lived in another country so we only saw each other a couple times a year

I thought YANBU until I saw it was twice a year!
That’s nothing!
Try having multiple siblings on both sides with multiple children each! I’m desperate for my children to know their cousins but they have so many!
For twice a year I would absolutely make the effort.
YABU

I go through a lot of efforts so that my children meets their cousins.
We live in Australia and they all live in Europe!!! This is a lot of time and money, trust me!!

And I love the relationship I have with my nieces and nephews. I am the fun aunt and they all spend hours with us.

There is a 13 year gap between the eldest and the youngest and it doesn't matter when the desire to see each other is genuine. DS1 will just shoot the smallest one in the air in the pool and he will shriek with pleasure. They all play D&D together and I have have half a suitcase filled with all the D&D stuff whenever we know we will see them. The young ones are assistants to the older players. When we are on cliffs, the old ones will be in the water ready to help the young ones when they find the courage to jump, those with social medias will share joke on them .

But our love of each other is genuine and natural. If you don't feel it , it won't work. I am also close to my brothers and sister and very happy to see them as much as possible but you don't seem close to your SIL.

My mil tried (and still does) to force a relationship like this, it didn’t work and contributed to us being very LC with them all

YABVU. Why would you not want to facilitate a relationship between cousins? We live nowhere near family, but DD gets on well with her cousins. Both my sister and I want them to have a relationship. Although one is 7 years older and the other 4 years older they all got on like a house on fire at Christmas.

Don't be so mean.

I think that's really sad.......it wouldn't kill you to make an effort. Especially with your younger child.

I don't find these particularly large age gaps. My DD has four cousins, ranging from 3 years older to 7 years older, two on each side of the family. They are all lovely to get and it really adds to her life (she's an only). It is quite hard being the parent of the youngest cousin, however - as PP have said, the older they get, the more of their own things they have going on.

But you can only have good cousin relationships as children with decent relationships with the parents. Is that the real issue?