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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to do this?

133 replies

Alifewithlittles · 05/01/2020 21:51

DH leaves for work at 7am and returns at 7pm. During that time, I look after our 3yo and 3 month old DDs. DD1 goes to playschool for a couple of hours in the mornings. DH comes home and immediately asks DD1 to "give him a minute" because he wants to take his boots off, pee, get a glass of water or whatever else he feels he needs urgently in that moment. Instead of giving her all his attention he spends a lot of the evening telling her to calm down, even though she is just excited to see him. He then is resentful when I ask him to cuddle the baby on the couch for a while and then pop her into her cot (she sleeps through the night!) after DD1 goes to bed, just so that I can clean up or have my hands free for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pitch in 50/50 when he gets home from work? Should he be having down time when he gets in the door? I feel like he talks to me as if other fathers have chill time when they come home from work and they don't get involved with putting the baby to bed. I should add that he has never had to look after both DDs together by himself for a day - DD2 was born in September!

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 05/01/2020 21:54

He should pitch in, parenting is a 24 hour job

Thehop · 05/01/2020 21:59

You both work all day. When’s your down time?

Pipandmum · 05/01/2020 21:59

I'd give him 15 minutes to shed his work mode and tune in to Daddy mode.
My husband worked longer hours than yours and was home just as kids got out of bath - he'd come up to read and tuck them in. If he didn't he wouldn't see them during the week.
After all seems it isn't long before your kids are in bed after he gets back. Remind him that before long his daughter won't want anything to do with him and will be glued to her phone with earphones on.

simplekindoflife · 05/01/2020 22:07

I'm all for parenting to be absolute teamwork, being a stay at home Mum is bloody hard work. I'm normally the first to jump on these lazy dads...

...but I don't agree that taking his boots off, going to the toilet and grabbing a glass of water are unreasonable actions?! I think you're being a tiny bit unfair if this is all he's actually doing... Confused

user1493413286 · 05/01/2020 22:13

I think he needs to adjust his expectations; pre children me and DH used to come home from work and chill out in front of the tv for 20-30 minutes and after DD was born he seemed to expect to carry on doing that when I’d been waiting all day to have some help. It won’t be forever but he needs to accept that this is how it is for now

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 05/01/2020 22:17

Should he be having down time when he gets in the door?

Being home from work is his down time. When’s yours? When do you get away from your work?

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 05/01/2020 22:18

I'd give him 15 minutes to shed his work mode and tune in to Daddy mode.

Yep.

ElfDragon · 05/01/2020 22:18

How long does his ‘minute’ take?

Is it genuinely a short time of sorting himself out - shoes off, loo stop, keys where he needs to find them the next morning etc, or is it (as my exH did) more like 45 minutes of coming in, expecting to be able to kick back for half an hour, before then deciding he needs the loo and spending another 20 minutes faffing about in there, then insisting on getting changed (another 15 minutes or so) before actually being free to feign to speak to his children?

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 05/01/2020 22:20

I’d start putting both DCs to bed for 7 before he gets in and then he’ll start whingeing that he never sees them. At which point you can point out that when he does he isn’t interested in them.

Original poster
Alifewithlittles · 05/01/2020 22:20

They are not at all unreasonable actions simplekindoflife, perhaps I was being flippant in my OP. The issue is more that my DD1 often gets told off for just being excited to see him, wanting to go upstairs with him while he changes clothes, chatting the ears off him as soon as she sees him etc. His gut instinct is to tell her no. I'm just wondering if I should be encouraging DD1 to back off and give him space in the evenings? Should I just get over it and accept that I'm on maternity leave and therefore I have chosen to take on this 24hr job, and that's that?
He really does talk to me as if other Dads in his circle don't get stuck into the childcare that much. I asked him to pop into the shops on his lunch break one day to stock up on vests for the girls and he uses that as an example of things he never sees his mates doing. I mean sorry but I needed the vests!? I feel like I must be some lunatic partner!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/01/2020 22:23

Expecting him to walk through the door and immediately be on duty is a bit harsh after 12 hours out at work. Moaning that he gets a drink and goes to the loo is a bit off really.

At 7pm, aren’t most 3 year olds calming down for bed?

What happens on weekends when he’s not at work?

pooboobsleeprepeat · 05/01/2020 22:27

When do you get a break? Do you get to pee alone? 2 kids at those ages is bloody hard! Your poor dd is just excited to see her dad. Please don’t let him get away with this, something needs to be said now. He should be mucking in straight away as he gets home.
I suggest you pencil yourself in for some time over the weekend and see how he gets on with 2 kids. Even if it’s just a long bath.
At least you’re getting a good nights sleep though!

frazzledasarock · 05/01/2020 22:28

I’m currently on mat leave with baby and toddler. DP usually gets home and sorts himself out, gets changed/loo/grabs a drink and then he takes over with the dc, I usually cook and he does bath and bed with toddler whilst I sort out baby or we switch and I put toddler to bed whilst he puts baby to bed. Sometimes he does dinner as well.

Main thing is he wants to be with his dc and enjoys spending a bit of time with them before they go to bed. And they both get very excited to see him too.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 05/01/2020 22:32

Yeah he’s not interested in parenting. Did he actually, actively want children and what was the discussion around division of labour?

frazzledasarock · 05/01/2020 22:32

And I ask him to pick up things from shops all the time. He does it as well. Because he’s not dick.

Your H sounds like ex, who memorably told a judge during the divorce that I treated him like a slave... because he once had to change his child’s nappy. Even the judge rolled his eyes!

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 05/01/2020 22:33

I asked him to pop into the shops on his lunch break one day to stock up on vests for the girls and he uses that as an example of things he never sees his mates doing

This is a really depressing sign of how your life is going to be.

Purpleartichoke · 05/01/2020 22:33

A bathroom break and a glass of water is a reasonable transition. After that, I would expect him to either help out with chores, be responsible for both kids, or some mix of the two. Once all the work is done and the kids are in bed, you can both get a bit of down time.

Fullyhuman · 05/01/2020 22:34

My husband, out for similar length days, used to delight in the greeting he got at the door/half way down the street some nights, we’d go looking for him between our house and the bus stop. He would accept his child’s company in the loo, taking off his work clothes, getting a drink. He misses it now, they look up and say hi then carry on with whatever they’re doing - he used to feel like everybody’s hero!

He works in central London near shops so took charge of clothes buying and even now, a decade on, he is quicker than I am to realise new trousers are needed or to remember what shoe sizes our children wear. His level of interest in/connection with our children isn’t unusual among our family and friends, though we do know some less connected dads.

My husband - and I! - often get bored playing top trumps or Lego or whatever but that’s how relationships are formed and deepened - these interactions are so important to our kids and it’s just a few years. I was raised by emotionally stunted parents and needed my husband’s example to show me how to play/connect, it can be learned with the will to. I’d suggest a serious talk, calm and non-accusing as you can, about what sort of dad he wants to be.

JasonPollack · 05/01/2020 22:35

What happens at the weekend?

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 05/01/2020 22:37

I’m a working mum. Imagine if I walked in the door in the evenings and ignored my children until I wanted to be sociable. I can’t- I have to get straight into sorting dinner, supervising homework’s, gathering gear for clubs and activities, reading school letters, sticking uniforms in the wash, serving dinner, eating, washing up, running the bath, supervising bath and then bed. I get to decompress about 8pm. That’s parenting.

Original poster
Alifewithlittles · 05/01/2020 22:37

I mean I have absolutely no problem with somebody going to the toilet for God's sake! But he doesn't seem to appreciate that she wants to go with him everywhere and talk non-stop when he gets home. Maybe he does just need a full day where he is flying solo with the two of them to understand it all a bit better.
He will sometimes contribute more than usual (like put both kids to bed - shocker!) in the hopes of using it as a bargaining chip the next evening so that he can sit on his laptop and I'll rock the baby while he sits on the couch. I think he feels it is unreasonable of me to expect him to be consistent with doing 50% of the work each evening, I feel as if he wants to come in the door and do as much or as little as he feels like doing that day and that's it.

OP posts:
Abouttimemum · 05/01/2020 22:37

Yeah my husband can’t wait to get home from work to see his son.
He gets changed (is dirty after work) which takes 5 mins - and he usually takes baby upstairs with him - then takes over for bottle, bath, bed. He wouldn’t see his son otherwise.
Any man who sees that as a chore doesn’t want to be a parent.
DH has a lot of mates who don’t give a shit about their kids. One of them went cycling all day yesterday on his son’s 1st birthday!

PurpleDaisies · 05/01/2020 22:39

Wouldn’t you expect to go the loo and get a drink without that being raised as an issue wire?

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 05/01/2020 22:39

My husband, out for similar length days, used to delight in the greeting he got at the door/half way down the street some nights

My dad did too. He never made me feel like a nuisance or rejected and I know he was dog tired a lot of the time and just wanted to sit down and watch tv. Instead we would sit down after I brought him his slippers (if I won- dsis and I would race to get them) and we would tell him all about our day.

wineandroses1 · 05/01/2020 22:40

My DH literally jumped out of the car and ran into the house after work to see our DD when I was on maternity leave. I can’t imagine him telling her off for being so excited to see her Daddy. It was lovely for them both, and I so enjoyed watching how delighted she was to see him, and he to see her. That period between him coming home and her bedtime was so precious to them and she has always had a brilliant and loving relationship with him (she’s now a teenager).