To expect him to do this?

[Alifewithlittles]

DH leaves for work at 7am and returns at 7pm. During that time, I look after our 3yo and 3 month old DDs. DD1 goes to playschool for a couple of hours in the mornings. DH comes home and immediately asks DD1 to "give him a minute" because he wants to take his boots off, pee, get a glass of water or whatever else he feels he needs urgently in that moment. Instead of giving her all his attention he spends a lot of the evening telling her to calm down, even though she is just excited to see him. He then is resentful when I ask him to cuddle the baby on the couch for a while and then pop her into her cot (she sleeps through the night!) after DD1 goes to bed, just so that I can clean up or have my hands free for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pitch in 50/50 when he gets home from work? Should he be having down time when he gets in the door? I feel like he talks to me as if other fathers have chill time when they come home from work and they don't get involved with putting the baby to bed. I should add that he has never had to look after both DDs together by himself for a day - DD2 was born in September!

Just give him a bit of time to wind down we all need that when we get in from work. I'm not saying you don't but if he winds down for a bit he will probably be more receptive to helping you. X

So what if he also books a weekend away for himself? I bet he will find his turn at home harder than you will!
I love a bit of downtime after work but he gets a good bit of that on the train. Tell him she will eventually stop bothering to run up to him or talk so he'll be fine then.

Sahd here, but as soon as I get home from work it's my shift until 9.30 when our 2 year old goes to bed. Other half usually gets some time to do stuff and usually cook a the dinner. Though if little one is eating something different I will prep that. I spend the majority of time. 6-9.30 playing, and then doing bathtime and bed.

Sorry my partner is the sahd and I work.

Please don’t take PP advice and teach your daughter to be less excited and loving to her Dad when he gets in.

I can sort of appreciate the transition to home, but why can’t he appreciate being welcomed home by an excitable toddler and tell her ‘Daddy’s going to go to the loo and get changed but can you go choose 2 books for us to read together?’ or something. Rejecting her and telling to be quiet when she is just loving him and excitable breaks my heart.

You need to be realistic.

90 minutes commute is not time to ‘decompress.’ As a female who frequently works a 12 hour day in the City and has a 70 minute door to door commute I can tell you the commute is the hardest part of the day. Even if you can sit there and watch Netflix chances are you’re still thinking about work - especially if you’re someone with ambition and goals.

He’s probably completely exhausted all the time. Yes, you have the kids. But he has to be nice to people at work all day, have a rubbish commute home (let’s face it all commutes suck) and then not be able to have a wee without you complaining? I’d be frustrated if I were him.

Kids are hard. Work is hard. There’s no perfect balance to this.

Cut him some slack. Or, if not, do yourself a favour and leave. You’re clearly unhappy and children can detect negative energy like that and your DH is probably miserable coming home to be glared at.

I told him yesterday that I would plan a weekend away for myself so he could see the reality of 2 kids, and he said "fine, then I'll do the same". So I'm thinking I won't win on that one.
Do it. You will win cos you'll get your weekend where he has to step up and sees what's it's like. I'd certainly make a 12 hour day trip something you do monthly

Whatever you do don’t give up your job life. That will be his ticket to do nothing When you go back to work you will find a way of making it work, with or without him.

If you don’t go back to work you will be bored out of your mind, resentful that your list of duties and responsibilities builds and builds, and it will be very difficult to get back in, once you e had a career break.
If he has a great job use that money to pay for a nanny. I know it might be unthinkable now, when your youngest is so tiny, but honestly, don’t give him the power that you being a SAHM will hand to him.
He doesn’t sound very nice I’m afraid.

I live in London, and am fortunate to walk to work - I'd regard 90 minutes on the tube or commuter train as hell on earth!

it would be even worse if I went back to work, because that would leave me needing him even more in the evenings due to time pressure to get things done!

This is sadly why so many women don’t return to work- they don’t have a partner at home.

I think describing DD1 as "rejected" is far too harsh. He does adore her, play with her, accept her help etc. but his capability for going into it with a positive attitude is often just not there at all. He constantly says how he would never be able to stay home with kids full time because he would basically die from the relentlessness of it.
He definitely would not volunteer any of his time willingly to allow me to go off for a day or have any time away from the kids to chat to other adults for a bit, his opinion is that he doesn't get much time to socialise or go off on his own for a day either, so why should I get to do it. Any occasion where he is by himself with the kids (hasn't happened yet since DD2 arrived), he sees as me getting one up on him. This is where the reluctance to help comes from, as far as I can tell.

I think he should dredge up a bit of enthusiasm for DD1 when he walks in the door but it's fine for him to have 5 minutes to do a wee and get his boots off before he goes into hands on dad mode. Aside from the division of labour between the two of you (which sounds like it's fairly equal during the day so should be in the evening too) he needs to pay his kids attention so that they're bonded to him and feel loved by their dad. When I was on mat leave as soon as DH walked in the door he'd basically be on kid duty (by that time I was touched out and wanted a minute without hugging anyone or answering thousands of questions) and I would do all the housework stuff. This worked for DH as he didn't have to do the washing up and just got to play with the kids.

When I was maternity leave I didn't expect my dh to come home and get stuck in straight away.

He's self employed and was taking on extra work to cover my time off which was draining on him, especially when it was work away or a tour (sound and lighting designer).

I was off to take care of the kids, that was my job.

We had a discussion about splitting it more when I returned to work.

A dad needs to take the time to bond with his baby and older kids. If you do everything for them they'll miss out on that time and affection from their dad and it'll be much harder for him to take care of them in the future.

The bottom line is choosing to have children is/was (hopefully) a mutual decision. He needs to pull his weight. If you were a single mother out to work every day you wouldn’t have a minute to yourself either once you arrived home and naturally kids are pleased to see him and want his attention. He needs to step up, have the kids more, completely by himself. You’ve also had a hard day and raising kids is also knackering and mentally exhausted. Where’s your down time? When my kids were small as soon as my husband got in I handed them to him and went off for five minutes peace. He’s at least had the chance to have an adult conversation at work, go to the loo by himself and finish a cup of coffee. Out of all the jobs I’ve ever done, bringing up kids is the hardest. It’s relentless and you are never ‘off duty’...neither should he be. I would suggest he cuts his hours for the sake of MH and give home time to start enjoying his young family as it does not last long.

@Fullyhuman your husband sounds great. I’m lucky enough to have a fully functioning husband too. It makes me love him all the more to see how engaged he always was with our kids who are now grown.

It sounds very sad that he doesn't ever want to give you some down time without kids. Is he inherently selfish? Stupid? Or does he hate his job and just feel desperate for some time to himself?

At one stage in our family life we used to let exdh have the Saturday morning to himself till 1pm and I would have either the Sunday morning or time in the week. You can't have time in teh week at the moment but the point is that it suited our lives at that moment in time but also we helped each other as we recognised that we each were suffering to a degree.

Back to the point, I think 5 minutes and then he should focus all his attention on his daughter til bedtime. I don't think you should set up the jigsaw or anything - don't direct it but do sit down and discuss why you think this would be a good idea. Mainly for a three year old.

The best part of my day is walking through the door to my wife and dd! I normally get in, have a quick shower because im usually dirty tyen i jump into dad mode

How does he know what his mates are doing every second of every day? Surely they could easily be popping to the shops or doing bedtime? And if they aren't then they are useless dads anyway and not people he should compare himself to.

OP, I have a 12 week old and 2.5 yo. On mat leave. DH works full time. He gets in, immediately says hi to 2.5yo and plays with him/has cuddles etc. He either cooks dinner or holds the 12 wo while I sort it depending on whether I need to breastfeed. He also takes over with the kids while I shower in the evening. He does every single bedtime with the toddler since I'm usually feeding or soothing the baby whose fussy time tends to coincide with bedtime. I do all night feeds, DH sorts toddler if he wakes up (he's not the best sleeper although generally ok these days). He also gets up with 2.5yo in the morning and gives him breakfast, changes him etc. before he leaves for work. He never ever complains. Most of our friends who are parents have similar divisions of labour. It's not "helping out", it's parenting. I expect as the baby gets bigger I'll be able to do more in the evening as I won't be feeding as much but when I go back to work we will be splitting the chores and childcare equally again. Please don't think men are incapable of parenting because that's what your dh tells you.

Why are you pouring so much energy into making excuses for him? Do you feel criticism of him is criticism of you?

He doesn't realise how excited she is to see him? I've not witnessed her behaviour only read a description but it's glaringly obvious to me. I don't believe for a second he's so stupid he "doesn't realise". That's a very weak excuse.

If you're just going to make (unconvincing) excuses for him nothing will change.

You may be able to cognitively reach a point where you don't interpret his behaviour as a rejection of your child, but that doesn't mean your three year old doesn't feel rejected and confused. The only way she has to understand the things that happen to her are that they are caused by her, her fault, something wrong with her.

Any occasion where he is by himself with the kids (hasn't happened yet since DD2 arrived), he sees as me getting one up on him.

I am struggling to understand why you seem to think this is in any way normal or defensible. Unless you accept he views himself as superior to you and cannot tolerate that internal belief being challenged? You're alone with the two of them five days a week, but any step towards rebalancing that fairly is viewed as him being defeated?

It's shocking that you can recognise how hard he would make your life if you returned to work, but would rather just give up than expect him to pull his weight. That's messed up.

He is choosing to behave this way.

He constantly says how he would never be able to stay home with kids full time because he would basically die from the relentlessness of it.

But he basically doesn't care if you do it.

The comment you made about "not winning" is very telling. Surely it's OK for both of you to take time out sometimes?

Yes his attitude is off. But you've already lost respect for him and your self if your viewing time to yourself or himself as some sort of competition. Do book a weekend to yourself
You do need it.

There are two separate issues here

YANBU in thinking you BOTH have children & he needs to ‘do his share’ when he comes home & actually BE a parent

But for me, even more important is how he’s crushing his DD. I couldn’t live with a man who treats a 3 year old like that. No way.

That's all I'm looking for from him, a bit of enthusiasm in looking after his DDs. It would hugely help my own happiness as well to know that he is enjoying his time with them. He really only sees them for one hour before they're off to bed, he doesn't see them before he leaves for work. He has no idea what's involved in looking after them alone for a day, never mind every day for months on end.
No, Chamomileteaplease, he loves his job and is hugely ambitious. His parents were irresponsible teenagers when they had him and father left when he was a toddler, haven't heard from him since. He put himself through university while working full time and is very intelligent, one of the reasons I thought he would be an excellent role model for the children.

Just read your last post. I’d be giving him all the ‘time out’ he wants 24/7/365. He sounds like an immature selfish arse who could fuck off