To expect him to do this?

[Alifewithlittles]

DH leaves for work at 7am and returns at 7pm. During that time, I look after our 3yo and 3 month old DDs. DD1 goes to playschool for a couple of hours in the mornings. DH comes home and immediately asks DD1 to "give him a minute" because he wants to take his boots off, pee, get a glass of water or whatever else he feels he needs urgently in that moment. Instead of giving her all his attention he spends a lot of the evening telling her to calm down, even though she is just excited to see him. He then is resentful when I ask him to cuddle the baby on the couch for a while and then pop her into her cot (she sleeps through the night!) after DD1 goes to bed, just so that I can clean up or have my hands free for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pitch in 50/50 when he gets home from work? Should he be having down time when he gets in the door? I feel like he talks to me as if other fathers have chill time when they come home from work and they don't get involved with putting the baby to bed. I should add that he has never had to look after both DDs together by himself for a day - DD2 was born in September!

‘He constantly says how he would never be able to stay home with kids full time because he would basically die from the relentlessness of it.‘
That’s a sad way to view spending time with your kids.

KatnissK, that sounds like an excellent set up. I suppose we would be kind of similar to that on a weekend where we are both home. But I love the fact that your DH is happy to look after whichever child is more convenient on your terms that particular evening. Some evenings I need a bit of space from the 3yo and sometimes I'd prefer to hand the baby over for a bit, depending on how tough the day has been.
My DH would always rather the 3yo, because she goes upstairs into her pyjamas and bed without fuss, whereas the baby could be more unpredictable and require a few minutes of rocking before falling asleep, which I think is piss easy compared to how long some babies take to settle.

I still think it might be good to have a chat with him to gently (?) put across your sadness that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with his daughter when he gets home. It's only an hour and yes he's tired but he is her daddy and she loves him! Maybe a chat would enable you to understand each other a bit more. I feel he might need a few things pointed out to him, despite his intelligence .

The intelligence seems to lie heavily in particular fields (his work, politics, current affairs) and not so much in others (home!)

Maybe he's lacking emotional intelligence.

Most certainly. But where do you start trying to work on that with someone!?

You are not being unreasonable, they are half his kids too. He is working all day and you are working all day, when his working day is over he should be sharing the workload with you. If you were out of the home working, and he was at home working minding the kids, he would likely expect you to do your fair share. Honestly the fact his children are excited to see him should be a nice thing rather than an inconvenience! You don’t expect him to not go toilet ect, you just want him to do his fair share and spend time with his family giving them attention! I’m sure you too are tired after a busy day minding them!

Do NOT enable this person by quitting work. Just do NOT, even if it means splitting. He does not see parenting as anything to do with him at all, real parenting, not Disney daddy-ing.

Any occasion where he is by himself with the kids (hasn't happened yet since DD2 arrived), he sees as me getting one up on him. This is where the reluctance to help comes from, as far as I can tell.

Help? Help? He sees his own children as a tit-for-tat, point-scoring exercise with his own wife. Parenting your children is not 'helping'.

He seeks to punish you, full of resentment that you're at home and he's toiling in the mines.

That will get worse if you pack in work to stay at home.

You can't change him. Best you can do is stay equal in terms of earning and work so he has no ability to skive out of lifework.

The comment about 'then I get a weekend', too, is telling. He resents having his own children imposed on him because they are your job.

The only way forward is to keep paid employment. Full time. And nail him down about who is doing what to do their share of looking after them and lifework, including holidays and time off for illness if you are not using a nanny.

It doesn't bode well, OP.

DH was once the SAHP. We were a team, equals who chose to have children. And we acted that way.

But I would worry about the impact on my children, then. If I go back to work full time, our kids will hardly see either of us, and when they do see us I'm guessing it will be the stressed version of us, which is no good for anyone. At least being at home I know have done my best for them all day, and if his attitude sucks in the evening I can rest easy knowing they had a good day, at least.

Have to laugh at the idea of a commute being 'down time'.

On a train watching Netflix? Laugh away, but I'd swap mine for that!

Most trains during rush hour are jam-packed with people, noisy, smelly, stuffy and subject to delays and cancellations. If you're lucky enough to get a seat, you're hunched up with little legroom and someone's elbow digging into your ribs. Watching Netflix/reading/listening to music etc. is more of a way to retain your tenuous hold on sanity, than 'down time'.

It's a private coach he travels to work on. No standing passengers allowed, seats recline etc. I've been on it. It far surpasses sitting on a crumb-filled couch with a 3yo trying to crawl inside your actual skin to be closer to you while you eat her leftovers for lunch!

If he thinks he deserves downtime and to sit on his arse scratching himself watching you continue to run about as you have been all day, then I’d be asking him to justify himself.

It’s either hard work looking after your two DDs or it isn’t. If he thinks you’ve had a lovely relaxing day on your own with them and therefore deserve no time to rest in the evening, why isn’t he beating your door down to get his fair share of that? If he thinks it’s hard work and he doesn’t want to do it, why does he thinks it’s fair to leave you with all of that hard work while he rests? He can’t have it both ways.

I’d be tempted to just fuck off and leave him to it one Saturday morning, I really would. He’s being an ignorant twat.

But I would worry about the impact on my children, then. If I go back to work full time, our kids will hardly see either of us, and when they do see us I'm guessing it will be the stressed version of us, which is no good for anyone.

You don't go back FT with a man like this and your children will be seeing a man who's resentful of spending time with them because 'Waaaa! I had to work all day! And Woman here expects me to do more! It's not fair!' and a woman he treats as The Help. They'll see a divorced mum soon enough who's plunged into poverty due to having jacked in work and now unable to secure good-paying employment or stuck with a man who has no respect for what she does because she can't afford to leave.

Getting a nanny cuts down on the stress a lot.

But the worst thing you can do with a man who has shown you that he sees parenting as a point-scoring exercise is become financially dependent on him. Think about that: he sees parenting as a tit-for-tat exercise. He really does. There is no way to change a person like this.

Again, my dad worked FT and went to uni at night 3x/week + tutorials and studying. Still found it a priority to spend time with his children one on one because he felt it was enjoyable, he wanted to know us and spend time with us, not a tit for tat that he was doing more and needed to 'relax'. As he said, 'We're a married couple. We're a team. We were blessed to be given a family.' He was also nearly 35 when I was born, not exactly young.

I asked him to pop into the shops on his lunch break one day to stock up on vests for the girls and he uses that as an example of things he never sees his mates doing

"I'm not married to any of your mates. Now go & buy the vests that YOUR DAUGHTERS need please."

What a prick he is being!
but muuuuuum ... all the other kids are allowed to play out til 9, why can't I?
Next time he pulls that one, ask him why he is basing his expectation of family life on his useless mates, instead of what is right for his girls & what makes his wife happy?

I am now at a point though, where I think that it would be even worse if I went back to work, because that would leave me needing him even more in the evenings due to time pressure to get things done!

With a DH like yours, I would absolutely go back to work. If you don't, be prepared to do 100% of the housework and childcare for the next 10 years.

I think he probably does need 10 mins to decompress when he gets home, but after that all housework/childcare should be 50:50, and the same at weekends.

I also like the idea of you having a weekend to yourself somewhere, even if he takes a similar weekend to himself the following weekend. The more time he has by himself with the two kids, the better. He needs to understand that your day-to-day is exhausting. He may genuinely think that he has the harder job.

I understand where you are coming from, FruitcakeOfHate, but I pretty much already gave up my chances of advancing my career when I found out I was pregnant with DD1. I had gone back to university to do an evening course in something of interest to me with a good career path, but severe morning sickness (all day & night) meant I couldn't keep up the classes and didn't finish the course. Went back from first mat leave to my part time job which, although paid alright, was a dead end. I know people will ask why I haven't gone back to finish the course since then, but the whole reason I started this thread should answer that question for you.

I've since changed job into something better but will never make the kind of money he is making. He can support the family on his own so he will never struggle in the way I would if we ever split, I have made my peace with that already and currently I'm just glad he can support us financially. Just wish he could do it in other ways willingly, too.

I told him yesterday that I would plan a weekend away for myself so he could see the reality of 2 kids, and he said "fine, then I'll do the same".

What part of you do that every day is he failing to understand?! Idiot!

if he winds down for a bit he will probably be more receptive to helping you.

For the millionth time he is not “helping” the OP, he is parenting his own children! I cant imagine that you would say OP is “helping” her DP by spending all day looking after the children. It’s the same mindset that describes DHs as “babysitting” - you don’t babysit your own children!
OP I would still take up the idea of having some time off from the children, even if it’s just a day not a whole weekend. If he wants a day in return then it will just be business as usual for you, whereas he will probably get a shock as to how much energy needs expending (make sure he gets the housework done as well!).

I'm just glad he can support us financially. Just wish he could do it in other ways willingly, too.

That will never happen. Never. He has shown you this. Over and over. The dead will rise again before this person changes because he is fundamentally sexist. This is who he is.

I think you’re all being a bit hard actually.
He out for 12 hours a day sounds like 3 hour commute don’t see how’s that’s down time. Not unreasonable to want five mins when he gets in.
I’m pretty sure you didn’t need the vests there and then on that day either.
If he’s generally not pulling his weight though that’s a different thing.

Hi OP
My husband has a 1 and a half hour drive to work and from work, he doesn’t hesitate to stop off if we need milk or anything and he will come running in exhausted but he just sweeps her up and cuddles her and plays. He’s as happy to see her as she is to see him. I understand it’s a long journey and a long day but as soon as he greets us he goes toilet and takes his shoes off then it’s back to our little girl.

How is he at weekends etc?

I don't know Lllot5, I did the same commute for months while heavily pregnant and came straight home to a toddler without expecting "down time" or an evening to myself!

This is just so sad.