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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect him to do this?

133 replies

Alifewithlittles · 05/01/2020 21:51

DH leaves for work at 7am and returns at 7pm. During that time, I look after our 3yo and 3 month old DDs. DD1 goes to playschool for a couple of hours in the mornings. DH comes home and immediately asks DD1 to "give him a minute" because he wants to take his boots off, pee, get a glass of water or whatever else he feels he needs urgently in that moment. Instead of giving her all his attention he spends a lot of the evening telling her to calm down, even though she is just excited to see him. He then is resentful when I ask him to cuddle the baby on the couch for a while and then pop her into her cot (she sleeps through the night!) after DD1 goes to bed, just so that I can clean up or have my hands free for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pitch in 50/50 when he gets home from work? Should he be having down time when he gets in the door? I feel like he talks to me as if other fathers have chill time when they come home from work and they don't get involved with putting the baby to bed. I should add that he has never had to look after both DDs together by himself for a day - DD2 was born in September!

OP posts:
Alifewithlittles · 06/01/2020 14:27

He pulls his weight usually at weekends Kko1986. His issue is that I want his help 50/50 in the evenings, I often prefer him to take the baby because the physical requirements of minding a baby are tiring, he doesn't quite realise that I've been carrying/rocking/wearing her in a sling/pushing buggy and playing with our 3yo old for hours on end each day. Plus housework. He would much rather put our 3yo to bed which takes 5 minutes and plonk back down on the couch! He wore the sling for a couple of days over the Christmas holidays and you'd swear he'd been single handedly towing concrete with all the complaining about his back!!

OP posts:
Beelzebubba · 06/01/2020 14:53

@Alifewithlittles Sounds as though he's not much into the parenting thing, or doesn't think it's a man's job or somesuch nonsense. I guess some people don't have the same paternal instincts as others, and like the idea of having children but not the hassle that goes with it. It's true that when you come home from a day's work you tend to want to start off by sitting down and relaxing - whether you're a parent or not - and having a small child jumping all over you isn't directly condusive to that, but it's what you sign up to by having children.

7 in the morning to 7 at night is indeed a long day's work, and if that includes a difficult commute then that can be very wearing, but looking after small children all day is equally hard - do you get any breaks from that? See any friends?

Obviously I can't compare his and my situations, I don't know how 'tough' he is with regard to family life, but my first child came along when I was 43 and the second and third at 46 and 48, and although I had/have a full-time job and all that entails I was happy to try to pull my weight. I admit that at first my attitude was a little 'the wife's been at home all day while I've been working' and I didn't fully appreciate how hard that is, but from the start I was getting up at night to bottle-feed my children, change nappies etc., and subsequently it's always been me to get up for them in the nights when they cry (the other half doesn't even hear them). Now the kids are 13, 10 and 8 and I think I deal with the majority of the childcare (and do my share of general household tasks) as well as being the one with the full-time job... so all that's probably to say that your hubby really should be able to give your kids more attention, and it's a shame he's not able to appreciate your daughter's childish enthusiasm/love for him! Yes, they're exhausting when you really want to relax, but as a parent, that's your job! I don't know, show him this message from another dad perhaps? I think he might regret it later on if he doesn't get properly involved!

Kko1986 · 06/01/2020 16:14

Ah I get it, let him come in and go toilet get a drink then approach him about helping that would be my advice

wineandroses1 · 06/01/2020 16:39

I used to leave for work at 5am and get home at 7pm, including 3 hours travel. I never once went home and told my excited-to-see-me child that I had to go to the loo/sit on the sofa/take off my boots/have a drink before interacting with her.

Your H is a selfish git.

NoSquirrels · 06/01/2020 16:49

His parents were irresponsible teenagers when they had him and father left when he was a toddler, haven't heard from him since.

Becoming a parent can throw up unexpected feelings and emotions if your childhood wasn’t ideal. He might (unconsciously) be processing and struggling with something. The comment about “I do more than my mates” is then significant in that he actually doesn’t HAVE a baseline model for a present committed father - he may well deeply believe that he is doing better than you are giving him credit for.

Would he be open to counselling, or you both going together? That’s your best bet for ‘emotional intelligence’ I guess.

Thickums · 06/01/2020 19:23

OP i think your ignoring the bigger issue here which isnt a criticism its probably just not crossed your mind.

The issue here is:

Why is he not an enthusiatic parent?
Children are not burdens or a job. Its a whole lifestyle you take by choice. Its a lifetime vocation. Yes its hard but the whole point in going out to work and everything else should be about the its all a means to an end for your KIDS. You work mon-fri so you support your kids. You have weekends off so you can spend time with your kids. You come home from a long day of work to be with your kids!

The only analogy/metaphor i can think of is:

Imagine you are not particularly interested in dogs. You like the idea of a cute dog to cuddle on the sofa. But that's it. However whenever you come home from work your expected to have to walk your dog. In rain or snow or sunshine. Then your expected to clean up dog poo. Then make its food. Take it to the groomers. Have it chew through your beloved possessions.
Someone can give you a book on dogs, someone can give you the best leads, dog beds, food etc. But ultimately your just not fussed with dogs. You dont want to go to petsathome at lunchtime. You don't want to get up at 6am to take the dog on a hike. Because your just not fussed on dogs. Its not your thing. You can't force it. You know the dog needs these things so you go through the motions but ultimately you can't be enthusiastic about something you have little interest in. It would feel like a burden.

Now a dog lover would see all those things as fun. Taking the dog on a hike and coming home to their pup after a long day of work would be their highlight. Because they love dogs. Have an interest. Chose to have a dog. Infact they have 2 dogs. They centre their lifestyle around their dogs and dog holidays and go places suitable for dogs at weekends. Through CHOICE. They enjoy it. They dont care about the poop or rainy walk. They adore their dog. They WANT to spend time with their dogs.

It would be madness to expect someone who isnt bothered with dogs to feign enthusiam and interest in dogs and sacrifice their entire lifestyle to a dog and be happy about it. It would be crazy to expect them to voluntarily take the dogs for a walk in the woods everyday of their weekend. Yes they may do it when pushed but they won't enjoy it the same way a dog lover would. It would feel a burden.

Infact if someone you know got a puppy who doesnt like walking, dogs and smells, you'd be wondering wtf their thinking?!

Now replace dogs with children.
Either you WANT to do it or you don't. Simple as that. Yes you can compromise and discuss. Yes he may even become reasonable and spend his time with the kids. But if he doesn't feel it he doesn't feel it.

He'll be doing it because he feels he HAS to and not because he WANTS to. That is the core issue of it. You want him to WANT to do those things. Not do it out of obligation.

I dont think you can force those feelings. So either you accept this is how it is. Hes just not interested. He doesn't feel the same enthusiatic way about the kids OR you leave him because deep down inside you know hes just not bothered and thats a deal breaker for you.

Motoko · 06/01/2020 21:18

Well, if that's how he feels, he should never have had children.

Motoko · 06/01/2020 21:21

But he did have children, so now he has to take on his responsibility to them.

Or do what his own father did, and fuck off out of their lives.

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