To expect him to do this?

[Alifewithlittles]

DH leaves for work at 7am and returns at 7pm. During that time, I look after our 3yo and 3 month old DDs. DD1 goes to playschool for a couple of hours in the mornings. DH comes home and immediately asks DD1 to "give him a minute" because he wants to take his boots off, pee, get a glass of water or whatever else he feels he needs urgently in that moment. Instead of giving her all his attention he spends a lot of the evening telling her to calm down, even though she is just excited to see him. He then is resentful when I ask him to cuddle the baby on the couch for a while and then pop her into her cot (she sleeps through the night!) after DD1 goes to bed, just so that I can clean up or have my hands free for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pitch in 50/50 when he gets home from work? Should he be having down time when he gets in the door? I feel like he talks to me as if other fathers have chill time when they come home from work and they don't get involved with putting the baby to bed. I should add that he has never had to look after both DDs together by himself for a day - DD2 was born in September!

The vests on lunchbreak is a bit unfair. I know when I'm working I barely have time to go out get food and eat it. You could have got them as you're off work at the minute.

Everything else he is a tool.

My DH is an old fashioned, 'women's work' type of bloke, and I knew that when we married. He does work very hard and it's manual and tiring - plus he does thing like change my car's bald tyres or cut down tree branches and prepare logs for the fire, so he does his share. He would never buy clothes for the children unless I was desperate and really spelt out what I wanted...

BUT - he has always done his share with the children - maybe not bath time but nappies, cuddles, feeding etc and playing endless boring games now they're older - it's not about being the 'man', it's about wanting kids and enjoying spending time with them when they come along. As a PP said - once they're teenagers they might not want us around, time is short!

Fine for your DH to have a few minutes to chill when he gets in - but after that, he should be embracing being Daddy! At the moment your children go to bed pretty early - once they're pre-teens and stay up as late as you, he'll have no quiet time at all! Enjoy.....

Dunno Greggers. I work round the corner from a Primark when we live nowhere near one.
When I've needed things quickly I can run in and out and grab them. I bet ops dh gets a leisurely lunch too....

I’m sorry but he comes across very selfish and self centred. He has 90 mins to watch his tv shows in bliss. He then “helps” on a weekend. I get not jumping on someone straight away when they walk through the door. But for him to then say oh if you get to have a weekend away I’ll have one too is taking the piss and shows how self centred he is.

Oh Greggers, I was working full time when I asked him to get the vests. There was a Mothercare a two minute walk from his office. But thank you for reinforcing the stereotype that I should be able to take care of any and all things, because after all, I'm just "at home".

Op, read your posts back. He doesnt want to
Parent them. He see the children as yours. If you try to make him responsible for them for any length of time, he will punish youx

He absolutely insists he gets no break or time to himself either

He gets 3 hours a day on his commute. Does he not get at least half an hour for lunch? Tea breaks? And then he has whatever time he takes for a pee and drink when he walks through the door and then the whole evening once the DCs are in bed.

I have a 2h commute each way and believe me, it is not 'downtime' by any stretch of imagination. Commuting is very tiring even if you watch Netflix. Espacially if he commutes every day.

He should still help in the eveninga though.

He's an arsehole. What's the division of labour like when you're back at work?

What happens when you’re back at work OP? You both walk in the door in the evening and the DC can entertain themselves for as long as it takes you both to decide you want to speak to them? I doubt it.

That is how I originally viewed things, Viviene. But the longer commute started when I was 6 months pregnant and still working (in the city, like him), so now I feel as though the pregnancy is the reason I found it so tiring for me. I still never got in the door with DD1 and went for a lie down or anything then, though?

Can he not have down time after he has pit the children to bed?

He's an arsehole. Enormously disrespectful and hurtful to you, but shockingly hurtful to your poor little DD. That's out and out rejection of her love.

My DH was utterly useless when DS was that age but he would make time to play with him every day and he'd never reject him like that.

Ah I feel desperately sorry for your daughter. Mine counts the minutes till daddy is home (I'm also on mat leave) and he is straight into being in her world when he gets in. I can't imagine not having daddy respond to how happy you are to see him.

He sounds utterly selfish OP and not willing to listen at all. Definitely ditch him for a weekend he'll soon see (and I mean Fri-Sun night) AND then greet the kids as you'd want but refuse to help out Sunday evening either.

Sounds like a dick. His little girl is excited to see him and he wants a minute? Presumably she goes to bed pretty quickly after that? Dont enable this shit plz. Fair enough needing the loo/drink but the attitude/entitlement - if that's how he is - is damaging. Hard to be totally clear from your op.
Either way sounds like you need some time off!

@Alifewithlittles I didn't realise you were at work then. I apologise for that.
I'm currently on maternity leave myself at the moment, I know what it's like. There's 17 months between my eldest too. It's hard I get it.

Hmmm. Doesn’t sound promising going forward. Sounds like he’s not particularly overjoyed to spend time with his kids. Has he always been like this?

@PuggyMum I am the same as you with primark near work. I wouldn't venture in mine at lunch though it's awful. Always a huge queue. Once took 15 mins to pay for a pair of tights to replace the ones I was wearing. It's a nightmare.

I would find it stressful having a child immediately on my case when I came in from work. Give him half an hour then it’s 50/50.

I don't think it's a case of him not wanting to engage with her, it's more that this new dynamic of me being back on mat leave and a new baby in the mix, he does not realise how much he's needed, nor how much she looks forward to seeing him. I think he can be encouraged to improve though, perhaps I could set DD1 up with a jigsaw or something ready to start with him when he comes in (after the necessary toilet trip etc. of course)?
With regard to me going back to work, he has an excellent job and I am not under pressure to go back if I don't want to, he supports my decision either way (in theory, at least).
I am now at a point though, where I think that it would be even worse if I went back to work, because that would leave me needing him even more in the evenings due to time pressure to get things done!

Was he enthusiastic about having child number 2? Was it your idea to increase the family? If It was! and he is some useless passenger in your family then you will have to deal with that (as in carry on, or speak to him, or leave) If you want a 3rd child it will not get any better.

DH is off most mornings by 7.30am. He gets back at 6 at the earliest and can often be later. I can tell as he comes in the kitchen if he's had a really tough day. Most days he has 10-15 mins to himself to change out of his suit, make a mug of tea and switch into home mode. Then DS1 and DD are his until they go to bed. If he is early he plays with them. If he is here in time he baths them and reads them a story each. DD goes to bed first followed by DS 15 minutes later so they keep him busy. Then DS2 has his bottle and goes to bed - DH does that. We always eat together and have some time together . Usually one of them wakes up. DD likes to try to come downstairs again to be with us .
Some nights the whole thing goes to pot if he has a governors meeting or parents evening and he will get home at half 8 or 9 and is knackered and the children are in bed. Those nights he goes up to change and looks in on them, showers and sits down at the table while I put his tea out. I feel like a 1950s housewife sometimes.

With regard to me going back to work, he has an excellent job and I am not under pressure to go back if I don't want to, he supports my decision either way (in theory, at least).
I am now at a point though, where I think that it would be even worse if I went back to work,

You give up your job and you will become The Maid of All Work because 'Waaah! I worked ALL day!' it will be his Get Out of Life Free pass.

I've seen in happen time and again. He CBA'd parenting. It's too much like work. Of course he 'supports you decision either way'.

'I'm going back to work. WE need to discuss how the lifework will be split or outsourced. WE have two children to parent together now and both have jobs.'

I think you and DH need to explain that daddy's tired and when you get your jammies on he'll give you a cuddle and read you a very quick story. While you get a bit of space too. Then you and DH can regroup. It might take discipline on all sides. Hope it works for you. It was my idyllic version of family life. But you do have to carve it out together and be strong together.
I didn't have that disposition when I was married and we ended up resenting each other so much that the marriage failed.
Just saying.

You might be able to talk to him about the effects of constant rejection on a child. If he is a decent human being he will be open to learning how to say yes to his children.