To expect him to do this?

[Alifewithlittles]

DH leaves for work at 7am and returns at 7pm. During that time, I look after our 3yo and 3 month old DDs. DD1 goes to playschool for a couple of hours in the mornings. DH comes home and immediately asks DD1 to "give him a minute" because he wants to take his boots off, pee, get a glass of water or whatever else he feels he needs urgently in that moment. Instead of giving her all his attention he spends a lot of the evening telling her to calm down, even though she is just excited to see him. He then is resentful when I ask him to cuddle the baby on the couch for a while and then pop her into her cot (she sleeps through the night!) after DD1 goes to bed, just so that I can clean up or have my hands free for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pitch in 50/50 when he gets home from work? Should he be having down time when he gets in the door? I feel like he talks to me as if other fathers have chill time when they come home from work and they don't get involved with putting the baby to bed. I should add that he has never had to look after both DDs together by himself for a day - DD2 was born in September!

Looks like I crossed posts with a few there.

What about the weekends op?

Wouldn’t you expect to go the loo and get a drink without that being raised as an issue wire?

I can pee and drink while accompanied by and conversing with a 3 year old. I had to.

His workmates might very well opt out of childcare, unfortunately a lot of men do, thinking it's the woman's job. See it all the time on here.

However, that doesn't mean it's right. It just makes them all as bad as each other.

Tell him that he has 15 minutes when he gets in, to get changed, go to the loo, etc, but then you expect him to share the duties.

Agree with purpleartichoke above.
My OH and I have 2 kids and both work PT. On the day he works he gets in, kicks off his shoes and is straight into doing the bedtime/evening routine. Same with me, when it's my working day. It should absolutely be 50/50 once the working parent is home, the parent who has been home all day has probably been working harder if anything.

Nb I say all this assuming kids are little and not at school. Situation is a bit different I guess if you're a SAHM and your kids have been at school a large part of the day. Then it might be reasonable to expect to do more in the evening because you got your downtime during the day.

That is exactly what I pictured, me and DDs strolling up to the bus stop to meet him after work, maybe something like that would make the transition easier for him in the evenings? I wouldn't say that he doesn't want to parent, he is very helpful at weekends. He wouldn't voluntarily offer up his time and take on the two kids to let me lie in, but he would if I asked. I suppose it's difficult because the last time I stayed home with DD1 I had no experience of being a working parent, but when I went back to work I saw how it's possible to get in the door and switch to mummy mode without any breaks.

I'm the one who comes in at 7pm and my dd gets ridiculously excited.
Does your dh have a commute / drive home as that's my wind down time so I'm present the second I walk in.
I often have to leg it for a wee though before I come in the kitchen.
We both work ft but dh finishes in time to do the school run / swimming / dancing / play dates. He also works 5 mins from home, I have an hour drive.
When I was on mat leave dh did his fair share too.
Your dh needs a reminder it's not 1940 anymore.
Plan a spa day / night out and leave him to it!

He has a 90 minute commute each way which he uses to listen to his podcasts and watch his beloved Sci-fi shows on Netflix!

he is very helpful at weekends.

Helpful? Like a granny or aunt? Adults aren’t “helpful” in their own homes with their own children. Are you helpful at the weekends?

He wouldn't voluntarily offer up his time and take on the two kids to let me lie in, but he would if I asked.

This is what needs to changed. He sees the children as your responsibility ALL the time rather than joint responsibility when he’s home.

I despair at you describing your daughters dad as ‘helpful’ - he isn’t helping you or them, he’s parenting. I couldn’t leave this be, I’d have to bring it up and remind him how precious that time could be and how quickly it will vanish. And if you can, I’d absolutely be leaving him with both kids. You need an equal, not a selfish git who ‘helps’ when he can be bothered.

He has a 90 minute commute each way which he uses to listen to his podcasts and watch his beloved Sci-fi shows on Netflix!

No bloody excuse then. That’s masses of time to decompress.

“things he never sees his mates doing”

Fuck’s sake. Wanker. It’s not you, it’s him.

I was going to say I’ve both been there as the on maternity leave parent managing small people who never rest and oh my GOD just walk through the front door and take them off my hands already person, and also the working a long day and long commute and oh my GOD can I not just walk through the front door and have a quick moment before I deal with all the absolute madness person. So sympathy in both directions and communication and compromise is key.

But nah, fuck that. He sounds immature and needs to do 50% absolutely RIGIDLY.

It’s not about what your mates do. It’s about being a good parent, a good partner and a good person.

This stage is exhausting all round (the baby, the preschooler and the husband adjusting to real life with more than 1 DC) but stick at it and don’t give ground!

Gosh so he's already had 90 mins to himself. What bliss!

Sometime I annoy dh if I've got stuck in traffic and she's on the wind down and I come in and it all goes crazy. I have dh, dd and the dog all want a piece of me.

But as pp have said I wouldn't have it any other way.

He needs to be chucked in the deep end. Maybe even a weekend away

Oh and I've not been on here for ages so forgot to say

YANBU!

A 90 min commute watching netflix assumes he's on public transport not driving..... That is his down time! Do you get the same during the day....?

Thought not....

He has a 90 minute commute each way which he uses to listen to his podcasts and watch his beloved Sci-fi shows on Netflix!

Wow, that’s a bit of a drip feed!

I was the one working FT. Did NOT expect much 'chill time' when I got home when ours were young. It doesn't work like that when you have small children. He needs to buck the fuck up. Toilet break and drink, then he needs to switch on. 'Other men get chill time'. Wow, how disrespectful to their kids and wives. Sounds like they CBA'd parenting.'

He hasn't had them both on his own? Fuck that!

Here's some perspective: way back in the early 70s, my dad want to work FT and was also doing a university degree at night (3 nights a week after work plus homework). He would get up early at weekends to take his kids out of the house for at least the morning, and use Sat. evenings after we'd gone to bed and Sunday afternoons and evenings to revise. My mother was a SAHM. But as he said, 'I'm their father!'

If all he needs is 5 minutes to get himself sorted then maybe there is something you could take your daughter to do "to help daddy" and just give him a couple of minutes. Maybe she could come with you and help get daddy's drink ready while he takes off his shoes and has a wee? Then she can channel that excited energy into something productive and he can get his head straight.

That said, his general attitude to wanting "down time" while the kids are still awake is not on. Downtime only starts once the kids are asleep IMO.

He would get in and relax as he’d been a to work all day.
I would bath and bed kids and cook two dinners, for them and us. Wash up. Do the night feeds. Sometimes he’d say,’ what have you been doing all day. The house is a mess.’ At weekends he relaxes because he’s been at work all day.
And I actually wondered why I got diagnosed with depression.
Remember being gobsmacked at friends dh who took over when he got in and bathed/ read to son.
Only now realising that wasn’t actually that fair 😀

That's really sad that he can't be bothered to interact with his own child who can't wait to see him.

I'm not sure I could respect someone who could be that callous.

He sounds like a selfish prick.

I told him yesterday that I would plan a weekend away for myself so he could see the reality of 2 kids, and he said "fine, then I'll do the same". So I'm thinking I won't win on that one. He absolutely insists he gets no break or time to himself either. I also don't think you can just tell somebody they have a strict 15 minutes to transition from work to home mode without them feeling resentful of that?

I also don't think you can just tell somebody they have a strict 15 minutes to transition from work to home mode without them feeling resentful of that?

15 minutes is very generous when he’s had 90 minutes. Give him 5 to put stuff down, get a drink and go to the loo. At least then you both know where you are.

I told him yesterday that I would plan a weekend away for myself so he could see the reality of 2 kids, and he said "fine, then I'll do the same". So I'm thinking I won't win on that one.

He isn’t coming across very well here.

Just to add, I am not looking for a break. This is my second time on maternity leave, I know what it's about. I am just looking for ways to make the whole thing more enjoyable for us as a family in the evenings and how to encourage him to WANT to pitch in so I don't feel like an absolute nag who is just delegating jobs

'I'll do the same!'
What an absolute dickhead reaction.
Maybe he needs to go away for a bit longer than that to consider his options....
I'd be offering to pack his bloody bags!

I don’t think you can make him want to do it.

You need a fair division of jobs with a clear expectation about what he needs to be doing. Otherwise you’re just going to end up really resentful (totally justifiably).