To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

I know this is probably wrong to say and I often due to my mental illness say things in the wrong way but I certainly would be doing absolutely nothing for dh. I would speak to the children about how you feel but let your husband crack on and start to do absolutely everything for himself. I know how it feels to struggle, i have sciatica and the pain is agonising, between 8 - 9.5/10. If I'm lucky it goes down to a 7. I had an operation last time and I am waiting to see the consultant to see what is going to happen next this time. I can't walk like I did as recently as summer, we would pack a lunch and be out all day. My fiance though goes at my pace and adapts to what I can do and sits down when I need to. I also am always tired due to getting up in the early hours (2-4pm) due to pain .i don't know exactly how you feel but I guess it's got similarities! He should be making time for you. He sounds really selfish tbh.

The TV thing is odd. Is there some financial reason you don't have a tv? Is it genuinely your choice or has DH decided for the family?
There is often a bit of competitive superiority over not owning a tv. Apparently its ok to huddle round the screen of a laptop and watch worthy stuff though. Of course owning a tv doesn't mean you have to watch soap operas it gives you choice. Bonding over a box set is one of the best ways to engage teenagers.
Mine are in their 20s now but during those teenage years when their interests didn't include a middle aged mum, we watched things like Breaking Bad, Friends, Greys Anatomy and others. None of which were my first choice but it meant we did something together in an evening. Oh and teens are seriously impressed by a dirty great tv not a laptop screen.
Could you get a telly?

Your camping story makes him sound like such a narcissistic tool

Yes teens drift off and yes it's great they have a wonderful hobby but it doesn't seem too hard to understand that your family (your DH) should get you have some physical struggles and make some accommodation to include you beyond being cook and cleaner.

I started feeling a bit cross at you OP (sorry) but by reading the whole thread I do understand fully now I think how you feel

You sound a lovely caring mum who simply likes her kids and wants to spend time interacting with them and still knowing them as they grow.

FWIW as a mum of teenagers and older, I think to some degree even without hobbies that take up time this is a fear many of us share and go through. Teenagers detach and we feel less needed but also less important in their lives and as tho they actually like us and our company less.
I used to think my tween age kids spent time with me because they actually liked my company as well as being their mum so when you suddenly get shut out when they age teens and it’s all about friends or hobbies or whatever it can really smart.

Sounds like your kids do love and value you but their dad isn’t role modelling including you in the family and that’s a huge issue.

My kids have some really time consuming sporting hobbies, one of which DH shares and I don’t, but I know when they are out all day they will get home and make a fuss of seeing me a bit- be thankful for the Sunday roast that’s waiting and we will sit and chat.
If might only be an hour or less in the day but it counts.

Your DH is excluding you. This might be purposeful or it might simply be thoughtless but the fact you have raised it and he hasn’t reacted with upset and regret and sought to change the situation does suggest he likes you being peripheral.

Freeze him out too.
Stop facilitating his life
Organise things with the DC and he can come or not but he doesn’t get to change them.
Something simple like pizza Monday or baking as suggested sounds great.
The Netflix idea is fab too- find a box set you can share with the kids and have a regular night to watch and do TV dinner

Your DH doesn’t like it? Well that’s on him.

"I am sure that sitting on a mat all day long for 4 days was doing a lot! And the food was some sort of pasta and tomato sauce...."

You see, I find that quite a passive aggressive and defensive, snippy brief reply to my (admittedly long) post, which I actually took quite a bit of time over and hoped may be helpful in some small way, even if it was just solidarity from someone in (what sounded like) a similar situation.

@LurkingFather aren’t you a piece of work. Glad you are stood nowhere near me. OP ignore him.

Get yourself a telly. I think you are missing our on easy, chilled out interactions with your DC by not having one. I am watching Friday night dinner at the moment with my teen. Not seen much of him today but we had a mutual laugh over dinner. Last night we watched a couple of episodes followed by Seamen (The Grand Tour guys). Lots of fun. It will also help you pass the time. Lots of stuff to binge watch when you are feeling lonely and your health stops you doing much.

Your issue is really with your DH who overrides your wishes. He sounds a right nob (sorry). I am a single mum and I get lonely but it beats being with someone who makes you unhappy. Does he do it deliberately or is he just selfish? Would he go to counselling. You need to really talk to him and see if there is hope for your marriage as it sounds like your patience is wearing thin ( I don’t blame you).

Finally, don’t ever underestimate how important you are to your teens just being there and being mum.

Your DH probably should be doing more to redress the situation, but with him not being able willing to help you...

Is what I think you meant

"You are reminding me of DH (surprise?) who kept telling me I should 'just go for a run' when I couldnt physically go up the stairs. Or thought I was just lazy....."

So you have a cruel disablist DH problem
A selfish prick who is isolating you from your family

If you currently don't have the energy to say cook with the kids on Monday evenings, can you offload chores onto him ?
e.g. he should do the shopping
and of course you shouldn't be wasting time on any laundry or ironing for such a selfish prick

If his parents need chores doing etc then that's something he should be doing

• that's also maybe an opportunity for you to chill at home with the kids

Sorry @WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles, this wasnt meant to be PA at all. Esp as I appreciated the time you took to answer. (esp from a fellow sufferer)

Plus I managed to miss the NOT which probably then made even less sense.

What I meant was that I genuinely didnt do a lot during those 4 days. And that I genuinely am not sure if I can do that much nowdays....

Yes this does seem the perfect summary unfortunately

They’d be separating because the husband in question is a selfish, entitled, uncaring man who dismisses his wife, overrules her at every turn, pushes her out and doesn’t accept that she has a serious and debilitating health condition. He doesn’t cherish her, doesn’t listen to her, and is monopolising every free moment of their children’s lives for his own enjoyment and happiness, without ever considering hers.

I wonder how many of us have lived with a ME sufferer. Yes we can feel sorry, but that is not practical is it, yes we can say her DH is not supporting her, but let’s face it, we don’t know what it is like day in day out for the partner of an ME sufferer, maybe he needs support as well. Having a dig at lurking father isn't going to help OP either. If OP had any other disability, we would be saying go to a support group, take up wheelchair basketball, or learn sign language. Until there is a cure, we can only say grin and bear it. Not much help is it?

I have fibro so I kind of get it and I'm grateful for DH for taking mine out. Could you maybe do some things like gentle yoga, swimming, sauna or even go away a weekend on a retreat or spa break with a friend? Start looking after yourself and maybe you will feel a bit better. There is something called graded exercise and CBT for ME, I found that sort of thing really useful. Oddly the less I exercise the worse I feel.

OP - I understand. You work during the week and want to spend some time with your family at the weekend. "Quality time" in the evenings when everyone is tired just isn't the same. You're a mother who wants to spend some time with her teens on a Sat/Sun rather than living the life of a single woman doing her hobbies.

I'd divide and conquer. So I'd tell DC1 next Saturday the two of you are going for coffee and cake in the morning and this will give you the opportunity to tell DC1 that you want to do some fun things together and plan them. You can drop them off at the sports centre afterwards. Sunday - do the same with other DC.

I have a very sporty DD but we carve out time for each other. Best of luck.

Until there is a cure, we can only say grin and bear it No, people can choose do that or they can choose to try and live as best they can with the symptoms, while accepting nothing is going to come along and magically take it away. But a victim mentality helps no-one.

@Amaretto sorry, I was probably a bit humphy myself (I think I'm bitter as I actually would love to go camping, I know, I know, I'm a fool )

Your DH is definitely a prick, btw. I actually would start a different thread about him in Relationships, as I think your relationship with the DCs would be improved if he wasn't there being such a shit role model. He should be modelling kindness, support and thoughtfulness. I know it's a hard situation (and it's hard for carers too!) and there are no easy answers or solutions but it sounds like you're starting to realise that maybe a major problem is actually him and not just the situation you're all in. Change that, and your situation will change, and your relationship with your DCs.

This is the time of their lives they will want to spend with their dad then it will become their peers.

We'd be saying take up wheelchair basketball?! maybe that's the Secret Outing Hobby every MNer's DH seems to have...

Could you hire /borrow or buy a quad bike and join them ?

I'd go to Curry's and buy the biggest telly in the store and await my heroes welcome.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles 😂😂😂

OP if you are going to get a TV I would probably go Netflix rather than Amazon Prime as I think there is probably more choice on there.

We only have Prime, and only got that so DS (and DH) could watch The Grand Tour, and I use it for free delivery!

DS is 14 and we have started watching things like Blackadder, Black Books, The Apprentice, QI, Have I Got News for You together. Seems to suit his teenage sarcastic form of humour. Strangely he also likes old comedies like Dads' Army, Open All Hours. He does run out of the door when I suggest watching things like Strictly, Call the Midwife

I would really recommend bonding over the tv. Your husband isn't going to know what to do when they go off to uni.

I’d second getting a TV
My sons are 16 and 19. TV and meals out are probably the only time we spend together. We did the Friends box sets a few years ago and used to all watch I’m a Celebrity together.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread. I can see why you are upset and feeling left out, I think your DH should be doing more to arrange family time away from the hobby, it is possible to do both things but it sounds like he’s encouraging the dc to spend more time doing the hobby than spending time with you. I do understand that it’s hard with teenagers, my dc’s are 14 and 16 and I rarely see the 16 year old, she’s would rather spend time in her room than with me. I am a single parent and she’s at home with me 6 days a week but often her dad gets more from her out of his one day than I do the whole week.

So I'd tell DC1 next Saturday the two of you are going for coffee and cake in the morning and this will give you the opportunity to tell DC1 that you want to do some fun things together and plan them. You can drop them off at the sports centre afterwards. Sunday - do the same with other DC. This won’t work. The hobby isn’t at a sports centre, it’s somewhere miles away in serious countryside. If they are committed to the sport, it’s likely they are in a team or have been entered for races. They can’t, and won’t want to, drop out at the last moment for cake with their mum.