To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

Do the children want to participate as much as they are doing or are they feeling railroaded into doing as much as they do ?

It does sound like he has monopolised their time. It does seem to be a case of the children having ended up doing his hobby because of his interest rather than initially there's.

I think there is great hope here . They seem to be quite caring of you when your husband is not about and you have the opportunity to have a shared interest ( I'd definitely go for Netflix , lots of opportunities to watch something you will all like or they can r3 on end for you ,) with the lack of tv.

I'm curious to know who decided that a tv was not going to be part of the household .

I'm surprised at how many people are saying teenagers are not around . My teenager ( and those of my friends) still hangout in the evenings with us ( watching YouTube on the shared screen ) or on their own screens . We still eat / talk together . If the teenagers don't want to spend time with their parents why are they ending up at the PILs ? Because the op husband is driving this separation ?

Lots of peeps with teens recommending bonding over TV but you haven't replied to them.
OP would you consider a TV and if not why ?

This is a hard one for me, as I'm on the other side, sort of. My DP has CFS. This means that all our family life centres around what he can manage. I, too, was a sporty, active sort of person but if he can't manage something now, we don't do it. It has had far-reaching effects. Both the DC and I have put on weight since his diagnosis, as we used to walk everywhere. I know it is far, far worse for him, and I don't in any way mean to minimise how awful it is for anyone who has it - but I see my life passing and I feel so sad not being able to live it the way I want to.

It sounds as though your DP has not made any effort for you, and that is selfish of him - but perhaps he feels the effects of not living the way he'd like would be more than he could bear?

I also wonder if he feels he's protecting the DC (and himself) from the illness somehow by making them as fit and healthy as possible? That may sound nothing like your DH, but I have certainly felt that way sometimes, and your earlier comment about him suggesting you go for a run just made me wonder.

Some people are missing the point imho. These teens are not spending time with their friends, leaving OP and spouse to spend time together or apart as they wish. They are engaging with each other and with DH as a family. Everybody in the family is involved - apart from OP. It’s nothing like teens spending time with their friends. It does sound a bit like a DH alienation strategy. Or a DH not giving a shit issue.

A good person notices if one person is excluded from the general vibe of the family.

OP I feel for you and don’t think you sound bitter at all. Just understandably sad. I’m not sure I have any advice that hasn’t already been posted but I wanted to say that I understand your problem and why you are hurt and sad.

Good points from noidea. Do they sound like part of the explanation ? If so there is a germ of positivity to take from this.

BareGrylls the OP has said she's considering the TV/boxed sets idea.

OP I agree with so many of the comments of those people who think you have a DH problem. The way he isolates you even more than you would ordinarily feel isolated by your illness. The way he dismisses your suggestions, and acts the boss of you all.

Loneliness is not about being alone. It's about feeling disconnected. He is disconnecting you from your own children as well as from him. It's very cruel that he behaves like this.

I've found that people who dismiss other people's wishes and ignore their needs, are also energy sappers. By disrespecting and disregarding you, your husband is using up your spoons and making your illness worse. I think you'd be happier and actually less lonely without your husband.

I would also say that your teens actually do care about you from what you say about how they behave when your husband is not around.

@JassyRadlett now I have, my stance hasn't particularly changed. I do think the OP would benefit from some talking therapies if anything to work out how she feels about her OH. If the kids are happy - and it seems they are - then it's an OH problem not a teen problem and it is her problem. It shouldn't be theirs, no matter how harsh that seems.

@Amaretto I hope you manage to find a way forwards that works for all of you, or at least for you and the kids.

I disagree with you noidea, given the fact that when OP did want to do something relatively fun and active, going to the watermark, the DH overruled it. It doesn't sound like the OP has tried to stop anyone doing any of their activities. In fact, she was the one encouraging the children in the first place. It's that the husband tries to monopolise the small space when they're not doing this hobby, to do something yet again that the OP can't do.

What about a mobility scooter and you can join them for some of the run

Christ. RTFT

Very few teens would turn down console time. 2 players you and a teen for a hobby you can do together.

I agree, Greenwing. The DH is not coming across well! but maybe he's finding the illness very hard to accept.

If you RTFT you see the h was selfish before the illness, putting his own desires better those of his family or wife. Nothing has changed, even the fact he doesn't let the kids do the aspect of his chosen support that they'd like to do. If you've never met a man like this, you're lucky.

Sad for you op. I don't like the sound of one person in the family being left out all the good times and just working or caregiving the others. It sounds selfish as hell and I think your DH needs to bring balance to the situation. Especially as you have a disability at times- what a crap message to give to kids, that you leave your mum behind. Not on. Hobbies and passions are wonderful but not at the full expense of love and time. Regular Cinema and dinner? A holiday with you- no hobby? A new activity / course like learning to bake, do ceramics or survival skills build fires?

The only quality time I have with DS17 is dinner during the week and Sunday and brunch on Saturday. Occasionally we go bowling or mini golf no more than once a month. And I take him to the barber and buy him KFC about once a month. Thats it. He never goes out with me or sits in the same room as me in the evening.

My DD is more company but she's away at college now.

Getting a tv is not the answer. In fact I don,t think spending time with you ds is the prob answer, the prob is it sounds you begrudge you dh, spend time with him. Make a date night, perhaps not every wk but at least once a month. Believe me I rather my Dh was out every wk end that now unable to enjoy what he wants due to a disorder which leaves him with chronic fatigue amongst many other symptoms.

This is very woe is me, very victimy.

Your DH is a selfish twat. But you know that, he's been selfish for your entire DCs life. You keep posting his behaviour and sort of expecting us to say he's selfish. You post the story's with the expectation we will say your DH is selfish, but dont want to some out and say it yourself. It's a bit like drawing blood from a stone. I don't know why you didn't post a thread saying my DH is a selfish wanker. It's quite a manipulative thread.

Your DCs are 15/16. It's normal for them to spend no time with their parents, at the same time normal time that DCs do spend with their parents you don't seem willing to do.

Why don't you have a tv? Are you eating dinner together? You dont want then to not do their hobby, you just want them to think of you. And what? Still do their hobby? Again it's a bit manipulative, you want them to feel sorry for you. You want to be the victim.

Do you want to leave your husband? Because this whole thread has been drip feeding about him being selfish, subtle dropping in how you might leave him. But you don't seriously seem to be mentioning leaving him or doing anything about it.

The whole thing reminds me of when you are at school, and someone is trying to tease a bitch about a friend out of you. They start leading statements about what x has done and hope you finish them off for them.

june2007 I don't think you are reading the same thread as everyone else. Can't imagine the DH wants a date night unless it would involve running up a hill.

OP wants to spend time with her DC.

I’ve read the whole thread and I’ve come round to thinking that you are right when you say that having the dc EOW would be better. Not something I’d normally advocate. Indeed from your more recent updates it might’ve a lot better for them, as well as you. The rigour of the pursuit of the hobby sounds quite unnatural, even if it is an activity they enjoy and they would probably welcome the respite of weekends doing other things.
Your husband sounds really awful. If you won’t be living in squalor as a result, I’d look to end the marriage.

You are also right in observing that the rest of their time as dependents with you will pass in the blink of a eye. Don’t let that twat rob you of these years.

Why the cloak and dagger not just naming tr hobby? “type A and type B events”

I see a family completely warped by a narcissist to be honest.

The body keeps the score, as well, OP. You might find your ME easier to manage if you find a way to be heard and seen in your everyday life. I am alarmed by how selfish and controlling it seems your DH has been for many, many years. You're internalizing all of it by being ill yourself and your poor sons are dealing with it by running up countless bloody hills for his approval and not to rock the boat.

@LurkingFather

How about you keep lurking rather than posting such ridiculous crap?

OP - I really do feel for you, it's hard when your children are teens and cut you off - mine did the same. I think you need to listen to those of us who have adult children - and being an adult 'child' I would have been mortified to spend time with my mam lol - she was 'embarrassing' to me at that age lol - she was however my 'rock' as in I always knew she was there and felt safe - it really is the little things as she was just 'there'. I do understand how you feel whereby your husband is involved in their hobby but really, don't underestimate how much you mean to them.

I have to agree with PP who feel that you husband is selfish and you need to sort that out - when he veto's time out you'd enjoy with the children just tell him fine and go off and do it with your kids.

And if you are a loving parent which I'm sure you are - they really do come back to you after the teen years - my son involves me in everything with his partner's family smile

Ellisandra Sun 05-Jan-20 23:21:10
Why the cloak and dagger not just naming tr hobby? “type A and type B events” hmm

Why the need to name? It doesn't matter what it is

In a very few years time dc will probably have left home. Do you want to live with DH at this point?