To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

How many off road paths do you think it would be legal to use a quadbike on? Never mind the environmental impact. Quad biking is also not that physically easy. It takes energy.

I haven't RTFT. You sound terribly absorbed in how YOU feel. Your teens enjoy whatever they're doing, so much so they still go all the time. Let them have their fun. It's a shame you can't join in but we can't all do everything. Most teen boys wouldn't be at home anyway 'making memories' with their parents. Those years are behind you, embrace their ambitions and what they love and carve out a new place for yourself. It sounds like perhaps talking to someone professional may help you? You don't want your kids to feel how much you hate how happy they seem to be. It's not about them, this is all you you you.

Get a quad bike Fuck me, it gets funnier!

It would be interesting to see what your DH says if you asked him to take photos/FaceTime/text occasionally you to keep you involved.

(For example, my DS has a match this week, I can't go. DH will take a couple of minutes to try and get a photo, or a short video/FaceTime call. At the least, he will text me at half time, or if DS gets a goal. This is good because

1. It helps me feel included and updated
2. (Perhaps more important!) DS knows that I am interested and if I can't be there, I want to know what's going on and that DH cares enough to keep me updated.

Would your DH be able or indeed willing to do something like that?

You sound like a bitter woman ! Your kids are out doors doing something they love that they have done for years and you are laying on the woe is me - what about me - I'm being left out !! If they weren't with your husband they would be with their friends- don't make out that it's your husbands fault for keeping leaving the out- you will push your kids away if you lay on the guilt trip all the time !!! You sound like a pain

@daisypond, you are right. If it was about dropping at a sport center, I wouldn’t have those issues.

A quad bike.
I proposed that to the dcs and they looked at me as if I had two heads lol.

This isn't a hobby problem. It's a DH problem. He is dominating their free time.

It's great they like being outdoors and active (I'd love to be climbing and running every weekend) and they need to keep it up, but your DH needs to find a middle ground that allows you to spend more time with your dc's.

You don't sound bitter, OP. You sound chronically hurt as well as chronically ill. I've had CFS for a number of years. DH struggles to get his head round it (as do I) and it has hurt me when he makes comments that imply I'm lazy. Chronic illness takes its toll on a marriage. On the other hand, my dsis is married to a selfish, hobby obsessed man and spent the early years home alone with one child she had to fight to have (took 12 years for him to agree to one! And definitely no more). I can't imagine the combination of illness plus that kind of husband. It's worn you down and you've done so well to keep your head up and keep going. You've had to put up with his selfishness for years whilst dealing with a really difficult condition.

I personally think it's time to separate. It will do your self esteem a lot of good. There is going to be no good time to split up until dc2 has finished A levels, which is quite far off and I'm not sure how your mental health will survive that long. Would it upset DC? Or would they rather see you happy and independent?

Definitely consider your options anyway and knowing you have them will make you feel more in control. Good luck.

In swear half the people on here have never parented (is that a word) a teenager. I also wonder if some magically time travelled from the age of 10 to adulthood without actually being a teen. OP its a great time ti buy a tv Sales are on so grab a bargain then get ready to bunker down and watch Love Island with them every night.

My 15 and 17 year olds are not hanging around their parents in their spare time. They are out with their friends, on the PS4 (99% of the time) or in their caves (bedrooms). They come out to eat. They will watch a tv programme with me. That’s about it and I think I get on well with my kids. I wish mine were outside running around the Fells.

So the problem is that the only family activity that DH will happily engage in is one involving physical activity outdoors, regardless of the fact that you have MS and can't join in.

Your H is an utter knob, and I would even go so far as to accuse him of alienating your children from you by persisting in the sporty hobby that occupies not only all weekend every weekend but also holidays.

When you and the DCs are home together, do they speak affectionately to you or show any affection? Do they offer to help you with household tasks? Do they help out graciously if asked?

Do you and H ever spend time alone together, on a date, sitting watching tv, chatting over a cup of coffee, planting annuals together in the garden, even loading the dishwasher together?

Does DH reject your suggestions of activities you could all do together? Does he pout or sulk? Does he complain?

I agree with pp that buying a TV could be a big attraction for the DC, that could help ypu chill together some evenings

"Until there is a cure, we can only say grin and bear it"

The DH is attempting to erase his inconveniently disabled wife from the family

DIfficult to grin and bear that

Is the DH someone with whom the OP wishes to spend time alone ?

She wants to spend more time with the DC, but he is blocking that

She needs to offload some of her chores, like shopping, onto him, to free up more of her time and energy to invest when the DC are not doing sport

Urgh commiserations on the crappy husband

Amaretto
Dh doesnt like type B so none of them are doing them even though the dcs would love to do those...
I don’t suppose there is any chance you could facilitate type B for them is there?

What are your DC's into? If you're considering a TV and Netflix/Amazon Prime/NowTV, you could ask the DCs what they'd like as a subscription service. That way, you're paying for something they might well be interested in. I would get takeaway pizza (or whatever they can't resist), all the trimmings and set it all up in the lounge. Even if they watch it upstairs on a device, try to find out what they like, and watch the same shows so you can at least chat about it if it comes up in conversation.

Agree that conversations in the car are also enlightening.

Your DH is an arse though. That's a whole other issue and is the crux of it all.

I think what you actually need is a therapist who will spend time with you and the DCs teasing out how you are all being affected by your H's narcissism and cruelty.

It's very possible that the DCs would like to just veg out at home with mum or hang out with friends and not feel obliged to spend all their free time with dad. Your DCs are probably feeling as oppressed and imprisoned in their father's world as you are.

I haven't RTFT.

Always useful when a poster announces they haven’t RTFT then immediately demonstrates the importance of RTFT to avoid looking like a fool. Thanks @rosesandcashmere!

@mathanxiety when DH isnt around, the atmosphere is completely different. Both dcs are lovely, helpful and will look out for me (incl telling me off for doing too much!). I never feel like I am an inconvenience iyswim.
And it's only wo him that I can get them to open up and tell me about themselves, what they really think etc...

And it does feel he is alienating me from my own dcs :(

@Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons, unfortunately no. The type B of events is just more of the same but different type of location/distance.

@BigChocFrenzy, the idea that I should offload more of what needs doing onto him is an interesting one for me. I have felt for a long time I was being awful for asking him to do more and it's only recently that I have finally realised that he is now probably doing half of all the HW/parenting, the half that is physicaly demanding like pushing the hoover around (once in the blue moon), cooking in the evening (when I am struggling to stand up) etc...
So my first reaction is to say 'Nooo I cant possibly do that!' but maybe this is where it needs to go.

Your DCs are probably feeling as oppressed and imprisoned in their father's world as you are.

I am afraid there might be some truth there (for many reasons that I havent talked about in this thread)

I cannot believe how incredibly vile some people are being with their horrible comments.

Really sad and shows some posters for what they are.

Some purely practical ideas. The way I bond with ds1 is a. Watching programmes about cars (though I refuse Top Gear) b. Helping him sell stuff on eBay (Lego, trading cards, toy cars he collects c. Watching Restoration Metal videos on YouTube d. Listening to guitar music.

Sounds like there is more than meets the eye on their relationship with their Dad. Decent separation dinner rather than later.

I admit I have read the full thread. However (if not already suggested) could you find a nice air bnb, with a hot tub, near a good hiking route/mountain ? Book it for all of you...and you stay during the day - relaxing,Read a book,in and out of hot tub, then make dinner for them all coming back? My own mum and brother do things like this when we go out and hike etc

It sounds like your DH is using you all, OP.

He had decided that it was too expensive and we should be doing something else instead....

Out of interest why does he get to decide? If not a joint decision, then you decide one day and he decides the next, DC1 decides the third and DC4 decides the fourth. If the only way to achieve this is to have a blazing row then have a blazing row. If he doesn’t want to go then tell him to aid off and you and the DC do it.

I’m not saying this lightly. I am sadly only too well aware that rows create atmosphere and they completely stress me out but when it is the only way for my voice to be heard, I will take a stance.

The kids will be affected by the row but they are also affected by being submissive to the controlling man you have described.

In all seriousness sometimes mathanxiety is sometimes very insighteful.