To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

You have a DH problem. I would stop facilitating things for him. Can you get your own car so you are not dependent on him? Make him do more by way of shopping so you get some quality time with your DC. On the plus side they sound healthy and you say they are wonderful but maybe they are also being smothered and manipulated.

@naughtynelliesnunnie you’re right that it doesn’t matter what it is... it’s just seems so ridiculously convoluted not to just name it though. All very well if you’re just going to say “outdoor activity” but once you get into having to say “type a and b events” you may as just name it! Much simpler

"I see a family completely warped by a narcissist to be honest.

The body keeps the score, as well, OP. You might find your ME easier to manage if you find a way to be heard and seen in your everyday life. I am alarmed by how selfish and controlling it seems your DH has been for many, many years. You're internalizing all of it by being ill yourself and your poor sons are dealing with it by running up countless bloody hills for his approval and not to rock the boat."

OP I've stayed up late reading the whole thread and this is the post that really stood out for me

No doubt you've tried to speak to him, op. Have you ever been able to let him know how unhappy you really are? Is he capable of empathy or understanding?

I'm another who thinks that your physical condition may be linked to the constant stress you're under in your relationship with him.

Could you not cut your work to part time so you can be home when kids get in from school. You could do something together then some evenings.
You could also then maybe cook with them. Play some board games
Also do your food shop on line so you don't have to spend time going to the supermarket. X

Some ideas for evenings. Sometimes we turn the tv off and :
Play cards. Board games. Give us a clue.
Can't think what this is called but we write post it notes say with an actors name on swap them around stick them on our forehead and have to ask for clues to the answer.
Cooking dinner. Bake a cake for after dinner. Do crosswords. Ask each other the clues. X

If the hobby is the one that I used to do, OP’s family dynamic would be potentially outing to anyone that currently participates @Ellisandra

If DC have a competitive nature, board games might be fun for them. I echo pp that you need to allocate some time to spend together - Monday evenings would be a good start.

@Amaretto
I don't know if anyone answered your question about the difference between Netflix and Amazon Prime
They are both streaming services for films, tv series, documentaries etc
You can watch both Netflix and Amazon Prime on various devices
Laptop, mobile phone, tablet, TV, ps4, ps3, Xbox etc etc The DCs would be able to watch different stuff at the same time as you can stream on up to
You can usually get a free month's trial on netflix then if you want to continue then there is a subscription fee.
I pay £11.99 to use up to 4 devices(I let my grandsons use my account)
You don't need a TV to watch it but you do need a good internet speed.
So you could trial it for a month to see what you think.

Amazon Prime is OK but quite a bit of the streaming is not included in AP...so you could watch 2seasons of a TV series and they will charge you for the 3rd series...so for me even though I have it, it's not as good value but I do get a lot of stuff from Amazon being mainly housebound.

And as a fellow sufferer of severe CFS(mine is caused by Pituitary damage from head Injury...there's always a cause for ME/CFS) I totally get your being left out of family life.
This has happened to me with my adult DCs and other family members.
I have just had to put myself first and not dwell on the lack of empathy and understanding.

Oh and you don't have to tell your DH anything about your Netflix subscription. So don't give him the password for the account seeing as he's so anti TV etc he won't need it anyway.

He is just ticking boxes with activities, not bonding. The kids probably enjoy the activities more than his company.
My BIL is like this, does loads but it counts for nothing. He thinks he’s great but he’s a shithead really.

I think it’s time for you to push back OP
Get a TV
Cook with the kids
Put yourself first

Good luck x

It's making me think. We also have teen / tween DCs (slightly younger) and they do hobbies with DH. It's started taking up some holidays - it is skiing and sailing. I have fibro and get pretty stressed and it can make it worse. But trying to go along with it as they enjoy etc, but do feel annoyed at times as well. It isn't easy - we are going to try something like skiing at a place with a pool I can swim in. I saw in your post you weren't happy they didn't all join you at a fancy pool, but I kind of think that is OK, I wouldn't mind swimming myself though and meeting them after their skiing for a hot choc. I guess I am pretty happy with my own company though. My DH too enjoyed these hobbies with the DC and I worry about the future when they aren't around as much, think he should do some stuff with friends instead perhaps, and hope the Dc are not doing some of it just to please him. I don't think so, but it does not seem to take up so much times as yours does

My DH did notice that last ski place I tried skiing and didn;t get on with it and ended up watching, and then suggested maybe next time we stay at a respire with a pool as he knows I like to swim. This is the difference I see, yours doesn't seem to think of stuff like that. I also wonder if he is the reason you don't have a TV

The TV is a great idea. I watch all kinds of rubbish with my teenager because that is what she wants.

My make pizza, cakes etc and even watch things like cooking programmes etc.

It sounds like your husband has been in control of what happens for a long time. Make the things you want happen.

In terms of whether now is a good time to break up or not, I just don't know, but I would focus on the DCs right now and definitelty ensure your husband is the one visiting his parents etc and doing the extra jobs that take you away from the kids.

My [kids] make pizza...

Oh for goodness sake stop moping about feeling sorry for yourself. Even if divorced you still would not have a choice in what your DC do because they are old enough to make their own choices.

So EVERYTHING is on DH terms then ?

The type of hobby is restricted to the specific aspect HE likes.

No TV because HE'S always been 'outdoorsy' and HE doesn't like it.

Activities away from hobby are things HE chooses - which by default are 'outdoorsy' and therefore exclude you. This is either by default because he is so phenomenally self absorbed OR intentional because he is ANGRY with your illness and sees you as a victim.

I know he has always been selfish even when kids were young but it sounds like he has lost all interest in you /your feelings . Whether this is 'exhaustion with your illness' (it's not easy living with someone who is always tired/in pain ) s as the options are to restrict your own life to accommodate the sufferer .. or , as I suspect - a sort of ' punishment' for being ill. Almost a sort of 'look at us' 'we won't end up like you ' .. I will push it in your face all the time JUST HOW ABLE I AM..

I really don't believe he thinks you are ill . I have met people like this. Usually the 'obsessive' athletes/sport fanatics. They believe that all will be well if you just got up off your arse and pushed through the pain. Anything other (watching TV, having dinner out, going for cake and coffee is all 'pointless' and you are actually 'weak' for not bucking yourself up.

I think he kinda despises you and your illness- although I accept that this may be subconscious and he doesn't even realise it himself.

You both need a good bout of marriage counselling from a proper qualified psychotherapist - who can facilitate a real conversation about how he genuinely feels about you and the illness. Only then will you know if there is anything worth saving.

This really isn't anything about the kids.

...it's only wo him that I can get them to open up and tell me about themselves, what they really think etc...

Your poor DCs
That indicates to me that they are buttoned down when they are with their father.

When H is home, how does interaction go between you and the DCs? Do you sense they are holding back a bit? Are they as affectionate toward you?

Do your DCs have friends and can they spend time with the friends at all?

Is there anyone at school they could approach about their relationship with their domineering father? (Trusted teacher, counselor, pastoral team member...)

@BlueCornsihPixie, I can see how things can come quite victimy as you say. And like drawing things out of a stone.
And actually you are probably right. That's not because I want to play games but because Ive just spent years accepting and/or excusing his behaviour.
So I have been telling myself all the things some PP have said. That I should feel lucky my dh wants to spend so much time with the dcs and do things with them. That having a hobby is great and really I shouldnt complain. That I cant stop DH from doing all the things he enjoys because I cant do them anymore. That I am lucky he is supporting me financially or that it's very hard to live with someone with a disability/chronic illness and I have to give him some slack.

And then you have another layer. Which is that, when you are exhausted, I mean truly exhauted (think being unable to do anything else than sitting in a chair staring at the empty space because even listening to music or watching TV is too much effort) then there is no energy left to analyse things and see them for what they are. After a while, all those things become normal. They are MY normal. So actually hearing people say that DH is a twat, selfish etc... is a validation I need. I have just started to actually see those things and I can just verbalise it on here. But in RL? That's a different matter.

For those asking if he is just cruel or completely self centered.
I think DH is completely unable to put himself in someone else shoes.

eg FIL has a terminal cancer. He has been spending the last few months (esp when having chemo) sat on a chair an unable to do much. This is from someone who has always been extremely active and had a very physical job. DH comment : "well he really need to start getting up and move around! I'm sure he would feel better for it. Plus have you seen how much muscle he has lost?'.... Yep Dh, that will be because your dad is dying....

So whether he 'believes' I am ill or not, I am not sure it woud make a huge difference. It does mean, though, that I have alwys felt under pressure to work and carry on like if I was well. Hidding the illness in some ways. It's only in the last few months that I have been able to make a stand on that one.

Amaretto, are you working too much? Your exhaustion sounds awful. I have been really impressed by how you are taking up ideas from this thread, but maybe having less time at work might give you a bit more energy to change?

Amaretto, that's so sad, the comment your DH made about his father. Either completely unaware, in denial or thinks he could get better if he tried.

Do you think your DCs are happy to do this hobby with your DH or is it more a case of it's not worth arguing with him as they have to do what he says ?

The dcs are happy with the Hobby. They both really love it and are getting a lot out of it. The hobby is really not the issue as such.

But at the same time, they woudnt argue with DH at all. They have never told him they would love to do certain events (the type B ). They told me they would like to do them with dc1 adding that 'as daddy doesnt want to it, I know we wont'....

@Copperas, that utter exhaustion was a couple of years ago and I am getting better. I agree that at tht time, I shoul have stopped work. I didnt for many reasons, DH being only one of them. I very much felt I was failing by stopping work (still feel like this in some ways). So that is really my 'fault' and is one of the things I have been working on.

@Ellisandra @naughtynelliesnunnie you’re right that it doesn’t matter what it is... it’s just seems so ridiculously convoluted not to just name it though. All very well if you’re just going to say “outdoor activity” but once you get into having to say “type a and b events” you may as just name it! Much simpler smile

Or you could actually read the fucking thread and find out what it is.

Apologies for the bold fail!
Only the last line of that post is mine.

I would think at this age most teens don’t spend that much time with their parents its just that in your case they are with Dh instead of on their xbox or round a mates and you feel excluded.

Agree with the this. At their age I spent very little time with my parents. I was either out with my mates or holed up in my room on the phone to my mates. I didn't even eat with them as I became veggie aged 13 and my mum said fine but you cook separately for yourself, I'm not cooking twice (she hoped I'd give up quickly but all that happened as I became a decent cook)!

That said, my parents then obviously had each other to spend time with, so they didn't feel left out or offended. As people often say on other threads about family issues, you don't have a DC problem - you have a DH problem!

My mum did take me out to the theatre every few months or for a restaurant meal, just us. Despite it being infrequent, I remember those times fondly much more than I remember sitting round at my mates playing on the SNES or watching MTV (showing my age now).