AIBU to dislike invitations that unexpectedly include other people / families?

[Watchagotcha]

I'm feeling (possibly unreasonably) irritated with one of my close-ish friends. We've been friends for about 8 years, are fairly close and our two oldest sons (12 yrs) are really good friends too. As families we get on well, though we are from different cultures. We used to hang out a lot together when our children were younger, and we've met up on holiday etc since then.

The annoying thing she keeps doing, though, is that often when she invites us to her place, she also invites other families - and she doesn't tell me either at all or only when I push her. This weekend is the first time we've seen them over the Christmas holidays. She invited us to go for lunch, we talked about what food to bring, I offered to make a main course that would serve all of us (7 in total)... but I just had a feeling... It turns out she also invited another family. We've never met them before, they have three children under the age of 6 (ours are 9 and 12). I'm sure they are perfectly nice but I feel really put out. It feels like we aren't enough for her, that she's got to add to the party. She had plenty of chances to tell me - like when we were planning the food - but she didn't. I'm a fairly sociable person but TBH it's a different proposition going to spend the day with a group of 12 people, including 6 children (including 3 under 6) rather than with close friends. It's not nearly as relaxing a prospect.

From her POV she thinks we'd all get on fine together, and, as she's started working full-time recently she doesn't get as many chances to see people, so she groups the invites together. She tends to treat these things a bit like networking too, which is annoying.

This isn't the first time she's done this - at least 2 other times we've turned up at her place and she's invited other people as well. Or she'll propose a trip somewhere for (I think) me and her and our children... then she'll turn up with her husband and another child (doing a favour for a neighbour) in tow. It isn't a big deal I guess - but it changes the dynamics, and isn't what I was expecting.

So AIBU? Probably I just have to make a point of asking her every time she invites us who's going to be there

YABU = it's up to your friend who she invites to her house / event, chill out and enjoy the party
YANBU = she should tell me up front if she's inviting other people, and then I can decide if I still want to go or not - or at least be mentally prepared.

Completely up to her who she invites. Doubt it is anything to do with "you not being enough ". If you are as sociable as you say, I am not sure what the issue is really.

It is annoying. My aunt was always doing this when i was a kid - i'd go round there expecting to be able to play with my cousins and find a house full of randoms. Nothing against them but it was a completely different dynamic. Not everyone wants to have to go through the hard work of making polite conversation when they are expwcting to see close friends or family. Introvert/Extrovert thing i expect.

Yanbu I'm with you and would like to know as it often changes the dynamic of an event.

I'd be completely annoyed too, I hate it when that happens, always think they're trying to kill two birds with one stone.

I feel like this. I had a friend who always did it. One time we had planned for ages to go to a big pick your own which has all sorts of different fruits and vegetables, and a little tractor to take you around the farm. You could spend a whole day there and not get bored. The friend invited insisted on driving and then insisted on leaving after an hour because she had only brought a couple of quid with her and was going out later.

I spoke to my friend and explained, she hasn't done it since. Talk to her about it and explain that it totally changes the vibe when different people are invited.

Some people are just really sociable and love introducing their friends to other friends.

Why don’t you do more of the inviting, then you can ‘control’ how the lunch/occasion is?

YANBU - there are all sorts of things that you talk about with close friends that you can't talk about with strangers.

It really really doesn’t bother me when this happens. The more the merrier - she’s clearly a sociable person who likes entertaining and likes you enough to introduce you to her friends. She thinks people will like you and get on with you!

And an additional child on a day out would also be fine. Really can’t see the issue.

I think it's fine once in a while, but should be mentioned to you beforehand. Every time is a bit much though - could you invite her, so then it's just your two families?

I think this sounds fine and you’re being unreasonable.

I have a friend who does this; and also frequently has random relatives, tradespeople or colleagues turn up at meals and play dates. It’s mad! I’ve come to accept it’s just the way they operate. I don’t really mind any more but I don’t accept invites from her if I’m not in the mood for it.

Yanbu I hate it when people do this.
My cousin was emigrating so my auntie suggested a family get together to say goodbye. 2 hour drive later, looking forward to an intimate family lunch, arrive to a houseful of pissed strangers we'd ever met and weren't even introduced to! My cousin didn't know half of them either. It was so weird and annoying as we would not have bothered had we known and said our goodbyes properly.

That would piss me right off

This would really bug me too and like you, I would feel annoyed that spending time with me is not enough. You have different conversations with close friends than you can with strangers.

I wouldn’t like this personally as I’m an introvert and prefer spending one to one time with friends (and their children) rather than spending time in big groups. I would still go, but I’d like to know there were going to be others before hand so I can understand the dynamics for the day.

If it was a mutual friend that would be ok, but as it's a family you've never met before YANBU.

I had this done to us recently and to be honest I was a bit put out by it too, more so because I know th host would have been very displeased if I'd done it to her as she has some social anxiety. She'd have considered it very rude.

What was planned as a quiet dinner with two friends worked out to be w dinner party with eight other strangers I'd never met and had no desire to ever meet again, and it was also a shit night making polite small talk with people I'd nothing in common with. Felt like she'd put all her over due hosting invites into one to get her turn out the way.

I'm actually so put out by it, I'm considering not inviting them back to us. She also only told us a few hours before hand knowing we had jist reconfirmed and couldn't pull out without being rude and obvious. She didn't even tell us who else would be there or how many. Felt like a fucking ambush.

Urgh I hate this too, it's really rude and selfish to arrange one thing with someone and then completely change it without that other person having any say in it whatsoever.

I have two friends who have form for bringing their husbands along to every single coffee / post-work quick drink and I've stopped inviting them. If I wanted to see their husband, I'd have said "would you and Bob like to meet me and MrSpenserGregson for a drink?" and it would have been obvious. But "would you like to have coffee next Wednesday" does not imply that Bob is also invited. And if the recipient of the invitation isn't sure if Bob is invited or not, they should bloody well ask. Having Bob there totally changes the dynamic and means we can't talk about Bob which is why Bob turns up in the first place, the controlling twunt

I would hate that. It does change the dynamic when there are other people invited. My mil does it to us sometimes. We were invited to her house for boxing Day, we expected it to be her and us (dh,dd and me), and a takeaway, as it was last year. What we got was her, us and step-sil with her ex and their 2 boys. She'd done a huge buffet for dinner with not a single savoury thing on the table that dd would eat. Now I know that it's not mil's fault that dd is fussy, but mil knows that dd is fussy but hadn't considered that at all when preparing. If we'd known beforehand we'd have brought dd a packed lunch, which would no doubt have been considered rude.

I don't mind extra people being around if I know in advance, but I don't like it if I'm surprised by it. Dd has selective mutism and needs to be prepared for having extra people around, sometimes she can talk to extra people but only if we've done some preparation beforehand. So having plans change at the last minute really makes things difficult for dd and by extension it's more difficult for me.

Why not invite them to yours instead next time.

My friend does this. She's from a big family and just likes/is used to having lots of people around. She once invited me to a baby shower of a girl she works with!! She was hosting the shower, I had met the girl very briefly when I went to her workplace, but didn't have any other connection to the woman. I didn't go!!

She just likes to have lots of people around. Sometimes I go along, if I'm in the mood for spending time with people I don't really know. Other times I decline the invite.

Just ask her in future when she invites you. If you want yo meet up with just her, invite her to yours. If she invites you to hers, assume others will also be there.

YANBU, I have a friend like this and I find it really infuriating. She’ll invite me to dinner at hers or to an event and then much later will tell me she’s also invited X, Y and Z and she’s also the sort to always be doing favours minding other people’s kids or dogs etc so often brings extras along to days out without warning. Once I asked to come over to hers for a chat one evening because I was feeling a bit low and after she agreed she put a big shout out on Facebook saying she and I were having a party at hers that evening and all were welcome to join. A very random bunch of people (several of whom I didn’t know) turned up. It was very strange and she then got upset when I left after only an hour or so.

My friend is just one of those people who gets on with everyone and is always looking to make acquaintances friends and bring people from different friendship circles together, she obviously prefers socialising in a group whereas I have social anxiety and much prefer one-to-one or small groups of people I know and I compartmentalise the people in my life!

I’ve just come to expect now that any event that’s either at her home or a public place will naturally have extras invited. I now tend to avoid invites to hers and invite her over to mine instead and if I arrange a day out with her I’m very clear I would like it just to be our families and not anybody else. I would just accept the same from your friend, ask her directly following an invite who will be there and decline if she’s inviting lots of extras.

It sounds just like a difference in style. She probably thinks she's introducing you to another nice family you feel you'd rather spend time with the friends you actually know. I don't think it would be rude to subtly mention next time that it'd be great to hang out with just the two families.

Yabu. She organises so she invites who she wants. If you want to do something with justvher why don’t you organise something and invite her then you can control who goes.

@MyNewBearTotoro

Wow fair enough enjoying big groups but surely if your friend has specifically said she's feeling low and would like to chat you'd know to not invite anyone else along.