AIBU to dislike invitations that unexpectedly include other people / families?

[Watchagotcha]

I'm feeling (possibly unreasonably) irritated with one of my close-ish friends. We've been friends for about 8 years, are fairly close and our two oldest sons (12 yrs) are really good friends too. As families we get on well, though we are from different cultures. We used to hang out a lot together when our children were younger, and we've met up on holiday etc since then.

The annoying thing she keeps doing, though, is that often when she invites us to her place, she also invites other families - and she doesn't tell me either at all or only when I push her. This weekend is the first time we've seen them over the Christmas holidays. She invited us to go for lunch, we talked about what food to bring, I offered to make a main course that would serve all of us (7 in total)... but I just had a feeling... It turns out she also invited another family. We've never met them before, they have three children under the age of 6 (ours are 9 and 12). I'm sure they are perfectly nice but I feel really put out. It feels like we aren't enough for her, that she's got to add to the party. She had plenty of chances to tell me - like when we were planning the food - but she didn't. I'm a fairly sociable person but TBH it's a different proposition going to spend the day with a group of 12 people, including 6 children (including 3 under 6) rather than with close friends. It's not nearly as relaxing a prospect.

From her POV she thinks we'd all get on fine together, and, as she's started working full-time recently she doesn't get as many chances to see people, so she groups the invites together. She tends to treat these things a bit like networking too, which is annoying.

This isn't the first time she's done this - at least 2 other times we've turned up at her place and she's invited other people as well. Or she'll propose a trip somewhere for (I think) me and her and our children... then she'll turn up with her husband and another child (doing a favour for a neighbour) in tow. It isn't a big deal I guess - but it changes the dynamics, and isn't what I was expecting.

So AIBU? Probably I just have to make a point of asking her every time she invites us who's going to be there

YABU = it's up to your friend who she invites to her house / event, chill out and enjoy the party
YANBU = she should tell me up front if she's inviting other people, and then I can decide if I still want to go or not - or at least be mentally prepared.

A former friend of mine had this tendency too.
Always inviting others (her friends that were strangers to me) when we had agreed to have coffee/ lunch together. I hate it because it forces me to small talk with strangers plus I am a very private person who doesn’t like discussing my personal stuff with my friend when they are around. As others have said, it completely changes the dynamic.

She was also very inconsiderate of other things, for example canceling appointments last minute etc.

If this was a one off I'd say ok well that might work out well give it a try, but its not, and you are not comfortable with it - I'd be exactly the same. I've belonged to groups lets say they were for specific interests, like a stamp collecting group organised night out and then there's always one person who invites her mates - not because they might form a sudden interest in stamp collecting I hasten to add - and then insists that we are all friends and lo, the mates attend everything from then on (except the stamp collecting group itself!!)

Just because you fancy a cosy night in with Mr and Mrs X doesn't mean you would be comfortable having a large gathering with Family Y and Z as well. I think your friend is rude and as you say just trying to conveniently fit everyone in.

I also hate when people tag on their sisters, daughters and worst of all husbands and partners. I organised a night out some years ago lads only as a surprise for my then DH, I didn't go of course that being the whole idea. I made it clear it was called "Lads Night Out" in a group chat and sat back and received the expected complaints that wives wanted to come, it wasn't fair, why was this being inflicted on the poor wives etc.

I would hate this so much. Like other PPs, I am an introvert and get on better with a smaller group. But also, I am passed the little kid stage. My youngest is 12 so I really would not want to spend time with three children under 6. I don't mean to offend anyone, I like kids of all ages, but when it comes to socialising, I'm passed that stage and don't want to endure it again; the noise levels alone would be a massive turn-off for me but also the fact that the kids become the main focal point and conversation can be difficult. So no, YANBU at all, I would not voluntarily spend any of my precious free time in that sort of set up and it would annoy me massively to have it forced on me.

Oh my life, the last time this happened to me, it was a shared birthday. Not a big zero birthday either just a 45 and 47 thing, but close in dates.
I was invited to hers and our partners. That was it so I thought.
Well after we fought our way to a parking space on the street and me wondering why so many cars that day. Yup. Hundreds of people, all there for -our- her birthday. Not even a surprise party. All organised weeks in advance. I felt a bit stupid with the one bottle of wine and a dessert for 4.

I'd just tell her you prefer to come as just your family, or invite them to you.
Just refuse joint invites, and remind her each time she invites you, or just stop going.
I think it's very rude tbh, especially her not telling you.
As for the networking, well sounds like she works from home too, just tell her you'll come round when she isn't working.

It's the not being honest and upfront that makes it unreasonable to me. I understand not having all the time in the world to catch up with friends and it making more sense to see several people at once but you need to make it clear you are inviting them to a gathering rather than a one on one.

@Honeybee85 - She was also very inconsiderate of other things, for example canceling appointments last minute etc - I find these things tend to go hand in hand. Your post has reminded me of a female only group where the common interest was ageing and menopause etc. (I do nice sometimes not just stamp collecting and talking about menopause!!) but then lo and fucking behold two of the group started to insist that they couldn't attend unless a family member usually their husband or teenage son attended and sat in on the discussion! Basically they were doing this to make sure they had a lift home. I was expected to air my experience of incontinence and later life divorce with someone's 18 year old daughter nodding along sagely.

I think it is rude to not let invitees know the nature of the event they are being invited to. A 'two couple' evening is completely different from a party of 25. Of course the host should tell people what the nature of the event is so the invitees can decide if they want to partake.

It doesn't really bother me tbh; I suspect that's because I've been going to church all my life, so I'm used to meeting new people and quite enjoy it. (I would prefer to be told in advance, though, admittedly.)

If you don't like it, than I echo what other PPs have said that you should do the hosting and then you have control over the guest list.

I don't think you're unreasonable to dislike it; but I think that one must accept that many sociable people do like to invite several people and introduce them to each other; and that ultimately it's up to them. I would only object if it was done in a deliberate attempt to reconcile people who don't get on, without telling them. If it bothers you, I think there's no harm in asking your friend who else will be there when she invites you - you could perhaps say that you're a little bit introverted, and that you like to be prepared for the number of people whom you'll be meeting.

Lolly pop, to be honest she's done other things recently that have made me reassess the friendship, we were not close, close, just friends who socialised a few times a year as couples. And I thought had fun. We had Dinner at each other's houses, or in town kind of thing. As said, I'm really not sure I'll invite them back, arguably it's my turn, but I'm still put out by it and I couldn't be rude enough to do it back.

It's just really really arrogant as well as rude.

You do things your way, she does things her way. I never think to ask who else is going to be there when I receive an invite. We invite people to our place and we get to choose the guests which I think is fair.

"The annoying thing she keeps doing, though, is that often when she invites us to her place, she also invites other families - and she doesn't tell me either at all or only when I push her."

Oh, I couldn't be doing with that! But you say she keeps doing it - so why do you keep putting up with it? Personally I'd be cornering her in the kitchen and asking what the fuck she's playing at, but obviously that wouldn't be everyone's choice of how to handle it .

But seriously - why is your standard response to an invite from her not "Yes if it's just us two families, no fucking way if it's any other arrangement you want to spring on me as a surprise." ?

Is it not a bit control freakery to insist on knowing who else will be present, would you say nope I am not coming if others are.

Just to add: I think YAB somewhat U to object to it happening under any circumstances. However if, as it sounds, you are being roped into hosting and planning food, etc., YADNBU to want to know exactly what is being arranged and how many people are involved.

Is it not a bit control freakery to insist on knowing who else will be present, would you say nope I am not coming if others are

It's the opposite. It's control freakery to make people believe they are coming to one kind of thing and not let them know it's something else entirely . Especially when you know they'd likely decline.

And it doesn't mean people will always say no, it means it gives them the choice, which they should always have. You can't be conning people into attending things under thr guise of one thing when you know it's something else,, it's the definition of control freak.

As said, if my fiend had said, would you like to come to a dinner party with some of my neighbours and elderly relatives, there will be twelve of us, yes, in this instance, I'd have declined politely. But she didn't. She said, it's our turn to host, what night suits you, can't wait, etc, leading us to believe it was one of our normal dinner events, where the four of us chatted shit and drank too much wine.

Even just before hand she just said there will be a couple of others there, it will be fun, so we were not expecting a dinner party for twelve or to sit discussing the church with her elderly religious aunt all evening.

It's not control freakery to say she should have told us and let us have the choice.

It's not that you want a guestlist, just to know if it's a one on one catch up or a social gathering. There's a time and a place for both but they are different things.

Yabu BUT I hate it too when this happens. I just recognise I’m unreasonable

YABU, she is a very social person who has no problems meeting new people and larger group and doesn't see the problems in more people enjoying time together. You prefer meeting with people you know, smaller groups and are less flexible/adaptable in a social situation.

Nothing wrong with either of you, I am probably more your type than hers. If neither of you can/will compromise, then you are just not compatible as friends.

Lol, reminds of a woman I know. ( I thought we were good friends)
She begged me to go along with her to a tapas evening locally.
I didn’t really fancy it, but she begged and whined, so I said yes.
Turned up on the day, and she’d invited 25 people.

I heard her laughing on a table in another room, that she’d asked me first.
I was sitting with virtual strangers, and I no longer count her as even slightly friendly. 🤣

As an introvert this is one of my absolute pet hates. Luckily my friendship group has sort of self selected itself not to do this over the years 😉

I don't hate "people" per se, but I find it a waste of time and drain of my energy missing out on a proper catch up with a friend/acquaintance and instead making crap small talk with someone I don't know and also not being able to chat (about anything relevant to me or our friendship) to the person I actually wanted to to see

I'd rather stay home on my own tbh!

I have a friend who does this. She is also quite flakey and will cancel/change plans at the last minute. I feel like we're not enough and she's always waiting for a better invite ot someone more fun to come along.
We have discussed this and she has apologised in the past but it keeps happening. Our dd's are good friends but even mine is getting fed up of it.

The other think is she never likes to come to mine. She prefers that we go to her house or go out and I've stopped offering. I think it's a control thing - at her house she can control who comes and plans.

Tbh I've had to re-evaluate the friendship because of it. She must definately isn't someone I could trust!

I voted YABU.

Do some people not like to socialise with others?

I don't understand why some hate small talk or getting to know strangers? We are a social animal. Makes no sense. Or are you just boring types?

It doesn't bother me at all, but my husband totally freaks out if this happens and refuses to go.

I'm clearly the boring type.