AIBU to dislike invitations that unexpectedly include other people / families?

[Watchagotcha]

I'm feeling (possibly unreasonably) irritated with one of my close-ish friends. We've been friends for about 8 years, are fairly close and our two oldest sons (12 yrs) are really good friends too. As families we get on well, though we are from different cultures. We used to hang out a lot together when our children were younger, and we've met up on holiday etc since then.

The annoying thing she keeps doing, though, is that often when she invites us to her place, she also invites other families - and she doesn't tell me either at all or only when I push her. This weekend is the first time we've seen them over the Christmas holidays. She invited us to go for lunch, we talked about what food to bring, I offered to make a main course that would serve all of us (7 in total)... but I just had a feeling... It turns out she also invited another family. We've never met them before, they have three children under the age of 6 (ours are 9 and 12). I'm sure they are perfectly nice but I feel really put out. It feels like we aren't enough for her, that she's got to add to the party. She had plenty of chances to tell me - like when we were planning the food - but she didn't. I'm a fairly sociable person but TBH it's a different proposition going to spend the day with a group of 12 people, including 6 children (including 3 under 6) rather than with close friends. It's not nearly as relaxing a prospect.

From her POV she thinks we'd all get on fine together, and, as she's started working full-time recently she doesn't get as many chances to see people, so she groups the invites together. She tends to treat these things a bit like networking too, which is annoying.

This isn't the first time she's done this - at least 2 other times we've turned up at her place and she's invited other people as well. Or she'll propose a trip somewhere for (I think) me and her and our children... then she'll turn up with her husband and another child (doing a favour for a neighbour) in tow. It isn't a big deal I guess - but it changes the dynamics, and isn't what I was expecting.

So AIBU? Probably I just have to make a point of asking her every time she invites us who's going to be there

YABU = it's up to your friend who she invites to her house / event, chill out and enjoy the party
YANBU = she should tell me up front if she's inviting other people, and then I can decide if I still want to go or not - or at least be mentally prepared.

@Watchagotcha

YANBU. I HATE it when I arrange to meet someone, and am expecting to be only with them, and when I turn up, someone ELSE is there. Changes the dynamic completely, and I will often make my excuses to leave early.

I think 'this is not what I signed up for!' I wanted to meet this one particular person, and some other fecker is there as well.

Hate it with a passion!

If someone kept someone else along, (when I was lead to believe it would just be us,) I would not continue meeting them.

Glad to see that LOADS of others think the same. The few who think the OP is being unreasonable are probably the same type who pull this dirty trick (arranging to meet someone, and then dragging others along, because they're so self-absorbed and thoughtless, and can't be arsed to meet the people individually.)

Bollocks to the fact that the different sets of people/different individuals might feel uncomfortable or awkward. I mean, if they do, it just means they're BORING right?!

Me and DH went to see someone about 2 months ago (a distant cousin of DH's who lives 80 miles away,) and it was arranged for several weeks, and when we got there (2 hour drive,) we were sitting there for 20 minutes, and a knock came on the door, and one of her nieces turned up with her boyfriend and their 3 mates - all around 20 - 26 y.o.

They just completely dominated the conversation, talked over us, and made us feel really uncomfortable; swearing and cussing and smoking. Awful people, seriously. We only stayed another half an hour. Annoyingly, she knew they were coming. When DH mentioned it when he spoke to her again, she said her niece had rung the evening before, and said she would 'pop in.' with her boyfriend and their pals.

So even before we embarked on our 160 mile round-trip, she knew these people were coming.

Last time we go there again, ever. (Last time I am going anyway!)

I have a friend who does this and I find it a bit manipulative to be honest. She once invited me to see an exhibition with her on the premise that she would let me use her husband's membership card (not that I minded paying for myself). I was expecting a catch up with some art thrown in. When I arrived her husband was there too. She had plenty of opportunity to let me know he was coming beforehand but I think she didn't want me to back out so didn't say anything. It made it very awkward as I was not expecting him to be there and had to purchase a ticket and he realised that I wasn't expecting him.

I felt as another poster said ambushed.

YANBU. It's incredibly rude behaviour. Basically she can't be arsed spending quality time with one or two friends, she prefers to be the centre of attention as a social butterfly. Probably sees herself as a "connector" or "enabler" who makes the world better by forcing everyone to make polite small talk.. Not bitter at all anyway she probably struggles with intimacy, don't take it personally. She's doing it to all her mates not just you OP.

I agree with you op. Totally changes the dynamic.

There's someone I visit for a weekend and whilst we're there she brings a friend along at some point. I find this hard as I find it quite tiring talking to someone I don't know well.

YANBU.

It is thoughtless of your friend. Asking her in advance sounds like a good idea, but if your friend is anything like my former friend who did this all the time, prepare to still be surprised by last- minute invites.

YANBU. I love catching up with friends but meeting new people takes a lot of energy. I would need some notice to prepare for that, or to decide if I even had that kind of energy. I’m an introvert though, and I suspect extroverts would say IABU

My SIL did this to us over Christmas. We said we’d visit on a particular day. Then, on a FB post she invited someone else over, who invited someone else over.

I told her we wouldn’t be coming, made some pretty obvious excuse. We’d already seen them with a big group of family on Christmas Day, but didn’t get the chance to speak with them much, nor did our daughter. We wanted to have a chance for them to actually have conversation with their niece as they don’t make much of an effort otherwise. It’s bloody rude.

A friend of mine had form for general flackyness.
She wanted me and DD to go to a small theme park with her and her DD,
I told her I didn’t like the place and so would not pay £40 odd quid for this day trip.
She pestered me to go, in the end she said she was taking both her DDs and mine could keep one DD company while the other 2 played together. She also told me she had a free ticket I could use.
When we got there she’d forgot she had a free ticket and maybe I could use it next time. Her DDs friends mum came along with baby and I was asked if I mined watching the baby while friend went on rides with her other friend. So, I’m with op.

YABU - but I’m of the ‘the more the merrier’ stock, so am probably more like your friend! Maybe you are hard work or too intense in smaller settings.. whatever the reason I don’t understand people who don’t want to socialise with people they don’t know very well. Surely it just a chance to make new friends?!

Booberella9 "Basically she can't be arsed spending quality time with one or two friends, she prefers to be the centre of attention as a social butterfly."

Good point! Yes, she's surrounded by people she knows, everyone else is new to each other. It must make her feel the centre of attention, the queen bee with her drones dancing attendance. Hmm. Makes her sound even worse, doesn't it?

YANBU, I’d hate this. You’re going to spend time with them, not them and a bunch of strangers. She definitely should inform you beforehand, you accepted the invitation to spend time with them not the others.

Oh wow, this hits a raw nerve. Reminds me of a time when I used to go to a group in my village. I was asked to it by a woman at the Village Parish Hall when I went to a Spring Fair (several months after moving here.) It was a 'ladies group' that was held at this woman's house twice a month (first and third Wednesdays.)

I went a few times (and I felt a bit angsty and nervous as I am quite shy and find it hard to mix with strangers.) I didn't go to every one, but maybe 2 in 3. I got on OK with most of the 24 or so women, but only 'connected' with about 4.

Then by the 8th or 9th time I went (over 5 months or so,) the host 'Pat' said 'right ladies! we are all going to swap phone numbers and over Christmas, we are going to phone each other and arrange to meet for a coffee to get to know each other better. So 12 of you put your phone number on a piece of paper I will give you, into this little bucket, with your name, and the other 12, have to pick out all the names and numbers.., and ring that person and arrange to meet.'

I was one of the 12 who was selected to PICK a number (not be one of the 12 who put their number IN.) So I picked 'Lisa,' a woman who I had never spoken to other than to say 'hi...' And I had only seen her 3 or 4 times. She always chatted with a couple of the other women. Her AND me, and half of the other women looked so awkward and uneasy. 3 or 4 of them said 'well I'm not sure when I am gonna be able to do this,' and 'I am gonna be a bit busy in January...and February!'

'Pat' said 'no excuses ladies.... you all have to ring and meet before the next group in mid January, and report back on how it went.....'

I never phoned Lisa, and I felt so stressed and angsty about it, that it put a dampener on my Christmas, and I never went to the group again. I then spent about 3-4 months avoiding everyone, and got DH to say I had been unwell...... (whenever anyone asked.)

I sent a little note to 'Pat' around mid April, and said I am sorry but due to other commitments I won't be attending the group anymore. Nothing ever came of it, and she was pleasant when she saw me again, but it really did stress me out.

I found it very manipulative and controlling behaviour. Weirdly, around September that year (so 9 months later,) the group folded after 4 years, as despite having a fairly regular number of 20 to 24 each time, it had dwindled down to about half a dozen by the July (after the 'you need to all meet up for coffee' idea...) Not surprising really. I think people felt they were being pushed into things they didn't want to do.

Going back to the OP - I do really hate being railroaded into mixing with people I don't know. I HATE the saying 'the more the merrier' and I agree with a pp that it's people who see themselves as social butterflies and queen bees who do this. Think everyone should rally round them, and they always want to be the centre of attention. It's OK for them, because they know everyone. The people who end up all meeting up together do not. It makes other people feel SO uncomfortable and awkward. I do wish people wouldn't do it.

We’ve got friends who do this and I found it soo weird the first couple of times, they’re a very outgoing couple and try and “book you in” weeks in advance and see people every day of every weekend of the year (and instagram it all ).

The first time they did it they invited the only one person in the entire world that DH can’t stand, they were all at school together and DH visibly shudders I’d you mention this guys name.

He had his new baby with him and threw her at DH while DH was holding a hot drink and then started laughing, I could see instantly why DH can’t stand him, it was weird.

Seems to me that you can now assume if you're invited to hers that she'll have others there. So perhaps just decline invitations to hers from now on because you know she'll have people there and not tell you.

@Babybel90 you don't sound like you actually see them as 'friends' or like them very much so why go then? I'm sure if they heard the way you spoke about them they wouldn't invite you anymore.

@goatbame well they’re DHs friends from school, they’re very different to us but I like them fine when we meet somewhere neutral.

I just don’t like turning up for what I expect to be spending time with them, to be confronted with a room full of strangers who also didn’t know we’d be there, and the prospect of an awkward evening that we can’t escape from without being rude.

@Babybel90 as long as they don't have pampas grass outside their house.

I am a really sociable person but I do really hate this. We have a really close friendship group of couples and one NYE we were invited to one of the couples house (there are 6 couples) and they had invited 2 random couples. Sounds horrible but it really wasnt the same as when it's just our group.

A bigger party is fine though but I hate it being sprung on me if it appears like it's a smaller affair!

Do some people not like to socialise with others?

I don't understand why some hate small talk or getting to know strangers? We are a social animal. Makes no sense. Or are you just boring types?

If you've reached adulthood without realising that some people have problems with socialising and small talk you really,really haven't been paying attention!
I am a social animal,yes - I love spending time with other people but not a whole group of random strangers.

Maybe you are hard work or too intense in smaller settings.. whatever the reason I don’t understand people who don’t want to socialise with people they don’t know very well. Surely it just a chance to make new friends?!

And this just leaves me Socialising with people you don't know very well,fine - but not instead of socialising and relating in more depth to people you do know well.
But if you can't cope with that and need lots and lots of new people - each to her own.

I hate this too. I have married into a culture that is highly social and we often turn up to find strangers staying while we are. I personally hate it and disliking it is not unreasonable. I have social anxiety and this does not make me comfortable at all.
If your friend knows it and hides it from you that I think is unfair. Possibly to stop you fretting and backing out but not fair.
You can't dictate to her obviously whom she invites but perhaps you could ask for a heads up.
I think some cultures are more private and precious about things than others. And it's only since being married into another culture I've really seen how different it can be. My in laws see no issues. I brought my brand new baby to visit them and they had strangers staying. I thought it should be special private time. They thought it was special celebration time to share. Neither is wrong. But one makes me uncomfortable. Its personal taste

I have a friend who does exactly this! She’ll message me to ask if I’m free for coffee on a certain morning, I’ll turn up and it’ll be a whole group of people (half of who don’t know each other) for breakfast. It poses me off, just say “I’m having a few people over for breakfast would you like to come?”

I’ve learnt my lesson though, and now I ask specifically who’s coming. It’s a very different thing to meeting with a good friend for a catch up to socialising with complete strangers.

actually this is probably cultural - I am saying this as a partial insider - we live in a society which seems to view anything other than a nuclear family as being to invasive. In general we value privacy & intimacy rather than being part of a group. But for other cultures with extended family background they probably like to recreate the way they were brought up. I say this as someone who has invited a close family to find other relations of theirs coming as well - the first year or so of this is a learning curve (ie always make food that can be extended to cater for more :) ). She likes you & she likes her other friend so as she values you both she probably thought you might like each other - nothing wrong with that - alternatively, she might be being practical & hosting 2 friends at one time. I wouldn't be upset - she did invite you after all -

I'm also very sociable, I had between eight and ten people here for five days over Xmas. No issue with meeting new people. I have a party for at least forty people every summer and invite people I don't know so well too. I go to friends events and meet new people. It's all good. Because I know what I'm attending. But I stand by you should tell people and not deliberately mislead them so they feel ambushed and taken aback.

I think people are being deliberately obtuse when they say they don't understand, and are slinging insults like boring, or typical mumsnetter, I wonder if they do it and that's why.

If you invite someone to a social event tell them what it is. If it changes from what you originally intended, tell them. Don't lie about it. Don't deliberately mislead people. All it takes is "its not just us anymore, ive invited another ten people, mainly my family or neighbours" or " susie and John are now coming too" or whatever.

But a let's have dinner, just the four of us, and you front up for your usual catch up and twenty people are there and the host didn't tell you it's very very rude. And no one should be defending it.

It's not the other people. It's the the misleading. The deliberate lie. That's the issue.

Agree with Bluntness it's the lack of honesty and taking away peoples opportunities to make choices for themselves that's the issue.

My good friends and I all work varying arrangements of full time/part time etc.

Every now and again the planets will align and we will all have the same weekday afternoon available to go out for lunch.

One of these friends started bringing her 18 year old son to these lunches (without mentioning him at arrangement stage).

It used to completely change the mood. When a group of busy women all aged 40+, who all have kids/teens get together the last thing you want is one of those kids there!

Her reason was always that he was home anyway and wanted to come. We actually had to just tell her straight up not to bring him.

Which was painful for everyone and she often doesn't come anymore, which is sad.

I stress it was only these very particular get togethers where he really wasn't welcome. Weekend family BBQs or group dinners out, lovely to see him. But not at a boozy lunch for girlfriends where we want to talk shit.

I also have a mate who loves a party. If we are going to theirs I just assume at least another family will be there, usually more. If I want her/them for a smaller gathering I invite them to mine. Some people just like the buzz of a big group.

It is usually the lack of communication that causes issues.