AIBU to dislike invitations that unexpectedly include other people / families?

[Watchagotcha]

I'm feeling (possibly unreasonably) irritated with one of my close-ish friends. We've been friends for about 8 years, are fairly close and our two oldest sons (12 yrs) are really good friends too. As families we get on well, though we are from different cultures. We used to hang out a lot together when our children were younger, and we've met up on holiday etc since then.

The annoying thing she keeps doing, though, is that often when she invites us to her place, she also invites other families - and she doesn't tell me either at all or only when I push her. This weekend is the first time we've seen them over the Christmas holidays. She invited us to go for lunch, we talked about what food to bring, I offered to make a main course that would serve all of us (7 in total)... but I just had a feeling... It turns out she also invited another family. We've never met them before, they have three children under the age of 6 (ours are 9 and 12). I'm sure they are perfectly nice but I feel really put out. It feels like we aren't enough for her, that she's got to add to the party. She had plenty of chances to tell me - like when we were planning the food - but she didn't. I'm a fairly sociable person but TBH it's a different proposition going to spend the day with a group of 12 people, including 6 children (including 3 under 6) rather than with close friends. It's not nearly as relaxing a prospect.

From her POV she thinks we'd all get on fine together, and, as she's started working full-time recently she doesn't get as many chances to see people, so she groups the invites together. She tends to treat these things a bit like networking too, which is annoying.

This isn't the first time she's done this - at least 2 other times we've turned up at her place and she's invited other people as well. Or she'll propose a trip somewhere for (I think) me and her and our children... then she'll turn up with her husband and another child (doing a favour for a neighbour) in tow. It isn't a big deal I guess - but it changes the dynamics, and isn't what I was expecting.

So AIBU? Probably I just have to make a point of asking her every time she invites us who's going to be there

YABU = it's up to your friend who she invites to her house / event, chill out and enjoy the party
YANBU = she should tell me up front if she's inviting other people, and then I can decide if I still want to go or not - or at least be mentally prepared.

Yup, this is irritating as all hell. I have an old friend who lives abroad, but returns a couple of times a year for extended visits. She'll make a big thing of our friendship group meeting, catching up, reminiscing etc. Then, when we turn up to meet her, she's always invited another random group of friends, who we either don't know at all, or have maybe met once. It totally changes the mood of the evening, plus I tend to feel like she's just lumping us all in together so she can kill two birds with one stone, (she visits for 3-4 weeks at a time, so it's not like she needs to cram everyone in over one weekend!).

This wouldn’t bother me but I can see why socially anxious people might find it a bit much.
I think in future you should assume that any invite she makes is likely to be for multiple families and then you can decide before you go whether or not you are up to it.
It can be hard to find time to fit in social time with all your friends when you have to work and fit in family time too. If you have friends who get on together it makes sense to see everyone together to save time.

@Bluntness100 yes exactly, an ambush - that's how I feel. The person setting the ambush always gets you to confirm your availability first, before they tell you who else will be attending, so you can't get out of it without looking like an arse.

That's my New Years Resolution sorted then - if I'm ambushed this year, I shall say "oh sorry, I won't be coming after all as it's not what I agreed to initially" and feel no guilt!

I'm not socially anxious, but the only person who gets to decide how I spend my precious little free time is me! Spending two hours one on one with a valued friend is very different to spending two hours in a room with one friend and six total strangers - totally different effort levels required!

YANBU. I hate randoms turning up when they are not expected.

So that being the case if you had a friend like this who liked inviting groups to her house your best bet would be to not go to events she arranged and only see her at your house. You’re not going to get people to change who they invite and or should you but you can control the situation in other ways.

Just ask them when they invite is anyone else coming.

YANBU at all. I don't have a problem with meeting up with friends and their other friends, and occasionally organise such meet-ups myself, but it's always clear up-front that that's what's happening. Couldn't hack this kind of ambush myself either.

That is really annoying. My mother is queen of this - she invites us to stay on specific dates (we live in different countries) and only mention at the very last minute when flights are booked that she's also invited various second cousins twice removed, or and their children, or friends of hers who I barely know (who also live hundreds of miles from her) because "it'll be nice for you all to see each other" or she'll imply they completely coincidentally wanted to visit and this was the only possible time. She has a big house with three spare bedrooms but space is finite and instead of having the three spare bedrooms for our family of five we all have to share one bedroom, but she expects us all to squish up and make the best of it happily.

It is very annoying especially the late notice - I would definitely change the dates of our visit if she told us before booking flights, and have actually booked alternative accommodation twice because of it, but that obviously adds hundreds of pounds to the cost of visiting her!

I think she lives being at the center of a house bursting with guests, but it's very irritating not to be given a choice about being a part of a big house party instead of just taking the kids to see their grandparents.

I've gone to meet a close friend in the pub before and thought we would be having a few drinks and a deep, quite intimate catch up, conversation wise. I get there and she is sitting with another of our friends and also announces that yet another is coming in a minute as well. Really really hate it. It makes me feel undervalued as a friend and I tend to then sit there not saying much.

I tend to feel like she's just lumping us all in together so she can kill two birds with one stone

That's how I felt. Looking at the group I actually thought we were a bunch of people she'd decided she didn't really like so as she was due all of us an invite she'd decided to do it all together. Kill two birds with one stone and get it over and done with.

If she'd said, would you like to come to a dinner party with random distant family members and some neighbours, I'd have politely declined. But it was "oh we must have yoh and mr blunt round, it's our turn to host, when suits, I'm so looking forward to it". She then texted on the day saying so looking forward to seeing you both tonight, see you at seven. And when I responded she said, oh there will be a couple of other guests there, it will be fun!

I have no issue with an extra friend coming on a night out or something, but this really did feel like an ambush as we sat there as more and more people walked in and we were introduced. I couldn't even remember some of the names, was so awkward.

I then had to sit through dinner in between two or her elderly relatives, who were deeply religious and make small talk about their church for several hours. I couldn't even talk to my husband as they'd split us up on the seating arrangements. It Was really appalling.

I seriously consider it rude beyond belief.

Its up to her to invite who she wabtes - yes

But a heads up about who else is coming and especially if you are bringing food is basic manners. She sounds awful.

Wabes! Wants

From her POV she thinks we'd all get on fine together, and, as she's started working full-time recently she doesn't get as many chances to see people, so she groups the invites together. She tends to treat these things a bit like networking too, which is annoying.

And getting you to make the main course! She's no fool, eh? Sounds quite 'use'-y. This would piss me off. But why are you putting up with it? You know what she's like. Just start saying no.

Inviting her to yours won't work because people like this will bring randoms along even without your permission.

This would annoy me, particularly if you aren't told beforehand.

Next time, as others have said, invite the family to you. She surely can't turn up with any extras!

When it is your turn to go to her again, ask her who else will be there and decline the invitation at that point if she mentions others and you don't want to go. If she says just you, reply "good" and explain that you don't really enjoy the occasions as much if others are there. If she knows how you feel, it makes it harder for her to do.

I suspect it is just because she has a lot of people to try and see, and not very much time.

YANBU. It changes the event from a quiet/cosy/relaxing get together into a bigger social occasion where you have to do more small talk with the people you don't know, encourage the DCs to play with kids they don't know and of different age groups and also you don't get the quality time you want with your own friend. If she was upfront about it then you could decide for yourself, but the fact she hides it from you would suggest she is suiting herself whilst knowing it wouldn't entirely suit you, also that there is a note of control/power in there that I wouldn't like personally.

I suspect the reason folks don't tell you is they know it's shit and you might decline, if they thought you'd love it, they'd be telling you immediately,

I think in our case, she'd originally invited us, then thought she'd be clever, and invite everyone else she owed invites too, and didn't tell any of us.. One bloke looked absolutely stunned when he walked in. Like he just stood there blinking for about twenty seconds as his brain adjusted. You could see by the eyes that everyone was thrown by it.

I don’t really enjoy it when I want to see a friend and there are other people there as it changes the dynamic and I end up making polite conversation with people who I wouldn’t normally want to spend time with; I do that enough at work to then not want to do it on weekends

@Bluntness100 honestly I would be talking to my friend if that happened... you were the entertainment for her relatives! I’d actually want to know why she felt that was acceptable

I think in this case, the friend is making sure that she still gets to see everyone by issuing multiple invites - she may not necessarily expect everyone to accept so, when they do, it ends up being a lot of people. I sometimes do this when I find someone hard work but want to keep them as a friend - that way I've included them but also get a bit of space (I have no idea whether this is what the friend is doing here).

It may be that this friend really is a proper extrovert - she can't see why having an extra dozen people or so would be daunting.

The only time I've really got cross about this was when I asked a newish friend if she'd be interested in coming on a ski holiday that I was organising. She asked if she could bring someone else and then asked pretty much everyone she knew. It got to the point where I was organising a holiday for four people I knew well plus ten randoms. That was annoying (my husband and I got married later that year so I said that I couldn't organise the holiday in the end).

In her case I wondered if she had to have a lot of people around her to feel popular. She dropped me in the end.

This just recently happened to me and I have found it very odd. A friend invited me along to something, as it's got nearer to the time, she has created a WhatsApp group for the event with a bunch of other people. I felt a bit annoyed tbh as I don't know anyone and I'm an introvert. If she'd told me it was a group thing I wouldn't have gone, but I've paid for it now so no backing out.

Just to offer a different perspective - I'm the opposite of you. Friends often invite just us around and I get paranoid thinking, "Are we so socially awkward you can't introduce us to other people?" I like it when there's a new dynamic. Maybe she does too, so she assumes it creates a good, party atmosphere to bring together a few of the people she most loves.

No problem if she tells you so you can decide whether to go our not.

You should be able to decide if you want to go on her terms.

I think she's actually been very rude in this specific instance as you said you would bring the main course and she's just almost doubled the numbers without even asking you!

But in general it would piss me off too. If I'm meeting up with someone and they randomly bring along someone I've never met before without checking first, that would annoy me. If they asked if it was ok, I'd at least have the option to say "not for me, sorry" or "ok, no worries". But having that option removed so you are caught and can't, in politeness, just leave again is pretty rude.

Some people have no concept of boundaries - sounds like your friend is one of them.

I voted YANBU but since she's done it more than once you should ask who is there and then not go if you don't fancy it. Also, you could leave when you get there if you don't want to join in. Forget not wanting to cause a scene, she is not thinking of your feelings so you don't need to comply to social niceties which aren't law anyway.