AIBU to dislike invitations that unexpectedly include other people / families?

[Watchagotcha]

I'm feeling (possibly unreasonably) irritated with one of my close-ish friends. We've been friends for about 8 years, are fairly close and our two oldest sons (12 yrs) are really good friends too. As families we get on well, though we are from different cultures. We used to hang out a lot together when our children were younger, and we've met up on holiday etc since then.

The annoying thing she keeps doing, though, is that often when she invites us to her place, she also invites other families - and she doesn't tell me either at all or only when I push her. This weekend is the first time we've seen them over the Christmas holidays. She invited us to go for lunch, we talked about what food to bring, I offered to make a main course that would serve all of us (7 in total)... but I just had a feeling... It turns out she also invited another family. We've never met them before, they have three children under the age of 6 (ours are 9 and 12). I'm sure they are perfectly nice but I feel really put out. It feels like we aren't enough for her, that she's got to add to the party. She had plenty of chances to tell me - like when we were planning the food - but she didn't. I'm a fairly sociable person but TBH it's a different proposition going to spend the day with a group of 12 people, including 6 children (including 3 under 6) rather than with close friends. It's not nearly as relaxing a prospect.

From her POV she thinks we'd all get on fine together, and, as she's started working full-time recently she doesn't get as many chances to see people, so she groups the invites together. She tends to treat these things a bit like networking too, which is annoying.

This isn't the first time she's done this - at least 2 other times we've turned up at her place and she's invited other people as well. Or she'll propose a trip somewhere for (I think) me and her and our children... then she'll turn up with her husband and another child (doing a favour for a neighbour) in tow. It isn't a big deal I guess - but it changes the dynamics, and isn't what I was expecting.

So AIBU? Probably I just have to make a point of asking her every time she invites us who's going to be there

YABU = it's up to your friend who she invites to her house / event, chill out and enjoy the party
YANBU = she should tell me up front if she's inviting other people, and then I can decide if I still want to go or not - or at least be mentally prepared.

I had a very close friend in my early 20's She would arrange to meet me to go somewhere for a catch up and she bring along another girl she had chummed up with. The other girl was jealous of our friendship and it got too uncomfortable in the end.

Totally with you on this, I hate it when friends do this. Suffer from anxiety so socializing is always a challenge anyway without an extra layer of wondering who else will be there when I turn up!

I wouldn't mind this too much if it were me being invited to someone else's, as long as I knew someone there, I'd be fine. What does drive me mad is one friend, who always invites random people to events that she's been invited to. I organised an afternoon out for my birthday once with just a small group of very close friends. She texted me the day before saying she'd double booked, and could she bring her friend along? This friend knew none of the other people, and I had met her once!

@Sweetbabycheezits that would have been very uncomfortable for her friend, I'd hate to tag along to the birthday do of someone I'd only met once, and where I didn't know anyone else at all apart from the friend I was tagging along with. I'd want to reschedule in those circumstances.

I hate this. It totally changes the dynamic, even to the point to my wardrobe choice. If you think you are going for a glass of wine and a catch up and someone’s house to turn up and find a party including strangers is an ambush, plain and simple.

YANBU Party for kids or any other type of party event, sure I'm fine with that. But I think id feel put out because I'd just want to spend time with my friend and her family (especially if I hadn't seen them in a while) and you wouldn't get to as much.

Elefantel, just because you lack the capability to understand why some people might not like this, it doesn't make them boring. Boring is imo, not being able to understand any viewpoint but your own!

ludo, just withdraw from her. Don't waste any more of your time. You, too, OP, she's 'networking' and having your bring the food for her legion of guests, she's using you. Just stop accepting invitations from her. Move on. No need to even say anything. Unless she asks, and then tell her, 'TBH, it seems like you invite us just to fill out your numbers and network. I find it really rude and off-putting, especially when I'm also bringing food and prefer to spend my time with others whom I find more sincere,' and off she goes.

Yeah, so boring to not want to be used to cater for someone's party and to network .

Well, I am the boring type, to answer a question from a pp. I'm the type it takes time to get to know. I don't mind a natural way of meeting new people, but a forced social situation when I was looking forward to something quite different isn't my idea of fun.

Elefantel yep, you got us. We are boring types. People who don't want to meet you are boring types

One of my best friends has been doing this, but it's been her dad who she's been bringing along unannounced. He lost his wife just over a year ago, so she was trying to stop him from getting lonely, which is quite understandable, if only she'd said rather than just have him turn up to everything. We were even going to book a holiday together, staying in the same villa, but decided not to as they started talking about 'the 10 of us' (ie, us 5, the 4 of them plus her dad) . They didn't even mention they were thinking of asking him! Totally overstepped the mark, as far as we were concerned.

I’m with you OP. And tbh my own DP has a tendency to want to do this when we’ve invited friends over and I’ve had to rein him in.

Eg. I’ll invite my sis over and he’ll later get a NDN of ours round too. I see my introvert sis face drop when she walks through the door and feel awful for her.

He doesn’t do it now without checking first or we tell people in advance that there are going to be other people there too. I know he just wants everyone to have a nice time, he doesn’t mean anything nasty when he does it. He’s the type who loves chatting to new people and he thinks everyone is the same.

This bugs me too. BUT my DH does this often. As far as he’s concerned, the more the merrier and he enjoys getting people he likes to meet each other. He’s very sociable (unlike me) and he thinks if he likes the company of certain friends, they are bound to enjoy each other’s company. It annoys me as I like to socialize with one family / set of friends at a time but I know he is coming from a good place.

Personally it makes my heart sink when friends bring 'extra' people along, it changes the whole dynamic. I have social anxiety though, maybe I'd feel different if I didn't.

I had this once with a friend (xfriend now). She asked me over to hers - quite along drive for me, for the evening. All very nice but when I got there, there were five people I didn;t know already there. I am actually quite a friendly person and I don;t have aproblem with meeting and making convo with strangers. But these people were all on the committe (along with my friend) of a club they were all involved with. I was not a member of and had no interest in this club. They had a kind of impromptu (or maybe it was promptu ?) committee meeting and basically ignored me and I could add nothing as I knew nothing about their finances/publicity/ etc.
They stopped for a coffee half way through and my friend suddenly shouted out 'Guess what Kurri's having a boob job done' (I was having a breast reconstruction after cancer). There was akinf of stunned silence and then people sort of made 'ooh how exciting until I said 'actually I'm not having a boob job.'

Shortly after I excused myself and drove home.
It was amost bizarre evening and I have no idea why I was invited
I asked my XF and she said 'I thought you'd like to meet some new people'. Fine - if the people had been remotely interested in meeting me rather than doing admin.

Boring types lol.

Seriously how can anyone not understand the difference in going out wirh one or two friends, versus going out with twenty and that it's rude to tell people it's the first when it's really the second.

It doesn't mean they won't come, but misleading people is absolutely rude.

To make it simple ti understand

Your boyfriend asks you on a date, he tells you he wants a romantic meal with just you. Can't wait in fact. Booked a table. Promises great things, you get all dolled up. You turn up and 15 of his mates are there and they proceed to have a piss up. Your boyfriend barely says two words to you all night.

Still think it's boring to say that's shit, and that you should be all excited to spend the evening with his mates? Because it's the exact same thing. It doesn't matter if it's a partner or a friend who mislead you, the issue is the misleading. If he had said would you like to come on the piss with fifteen of my mates, you might have said yes, sure. But telling you it's a Romantic date when it's a lads night out is the issue.

Interesting how many people say it's unreasonable. I used to be a bit funny about it myself but since moving to the States pretty much everyone does it. I actually love it now, I've made a ton of new friends through it and it really eases the burden on the host as everyone will bring a dish. Pot luck style.

I work for an American company, I've spent a lot of time in the states and have a lot of American friends and colleagues, and I'd say it's no different here to there, Americans do not lie to you as a habit and invite you for a quiet meal with just say the four of you and then have twenty others turn up, they are clear what you're being invited to.

I like it, I like talking to new people. This wouldn't bother me at all.

YANBU I had a friend who did this, she's invite all of her family as well and I'm sorry to say I had zero interest in her family.

Well everyone where I live does it. And where did I say they asked '20' other people.

Years ago I needed to talk over some personal issues with a friend (she offered me a shoulder to cry on so I accepted the invite) when I arrived she had told all my ex-colleagues that I would be in the pub for a drink so the world and his dog were waiting for me. She knew I needed to talk and let me walk into a piss up. I walked out again and she sent me a text later saying I should have stayed, it was a great night out.

I’m glad to see IA not BU!

To answer some questions:

She does come to my place, and she never brings extra people then. When we go to her place, it’s her weekend place - out in the country, lots of space to run around. I think one reason she invites other people is as a favour - to give them somewhere nice to bring their children for the day. Which is great... I just wish she wouldn’t do it in the same day she invited us!

I’m actually a very sociable person and ido like meeting new people. I just wish she’d be upfront about it - then I can get my head straight in “meeting fun new people party mode” rather than “intimate family lunch mode”. It’s definitely the changed dynamic and feeling a bit ambushed that bugs me, not meeting new people per se.

She’s definitely not a user. If anything, I’m a bit bossy and am used to catering for big groups so she’s used to me offering to bring large dishes etc. She would not expect me to cater for more than I expected.

I will make a point from now on if checking whether it’s just going to be us at these events, that way I can decide whether to go - and get myy yuh expectations straight if we do.

Unsurprised at the way this thread is going, given the number of MNers who consider "someone just knocked at my door unexpectedly " an interesting enough topic to start a thread in AIBU 😆😆😆

I don't mean that hastily, because I can honestly see both sides. A pp mentioned a day out at a PYO place . Something like that, I'd think the more the merrier. And quite a good thing to do with children with a wide age range.
However, if I had something on my mind or something serious I hoped to talk about with someone close, I'd be disconcerted if there were unexpected randoms there.

I think the key is advance knowledge and choice.

I do also understand the very sociable, and the need/desire to see a number of people in a limited time.

And there have also been times when I've had this imposed on me and we've had a great tome/made friends, etc.
So perhaps I'll just wedge myself firmly on the fence