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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date someone who had a coldsore in the past?

438 replies

Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 12:11

YABU - no
YANBU - yes

Not talking an active one and a date right now, just someone that gets them, maybe just one coldsore (so Herpes), a year, 2 years, 5 years ago!

And yes I have another thread to those who have read it. Just wanting a poll, thanks.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 05/01/2020 15:34

I think with genital herpes it can be an extremely uncomfortable thing to live with during an outbreak, so it would be a courtesy to inform people of the risk. I remember a poster here finding out her DH had to take medication every day to suppress symptoms. Not as simple as getting a sore on the lip once in a blue moon.

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 15:36

So that link suggests that the WHO estimates that whilst 2/3 of the population (3.7 billion) might have Type 1 (oral) herpes virus but only 417million have the genital STD.

My maths isn’t brilliant, but is that about 5% of the population with genital herpes type 2?

Looneytune253 · 05/01/2020 15:39

I get cold sores on my lips every so often and I've never ever had one on my genitals. There is obv a difference. I obv avoid oral sex if I have one as wouldn't want dh to contract it, though he's never caught one on his lips from me. I don't think it's the same thing at all and I do think people should be aware they may be at risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease. I think you could get away with only informing them once there's an outbreak though as it's only contagious when there's a sore (I think??)

Glittertwins · 05/01/2020 15:44

Had cold sores since childhood - my dad gets them but my brother doesn't. Been with DH 22 years and he's never had one.

justasking111 · 05/01/2020 15:44

DS got them as a teenager, exam stress. He has not had one for years now. First tingle he used zovirax. Not something I would ask about.

heymammi · 05/01/2020 15:50

I've had cold sores for as long as I can remember. They used to get so bad in the past when run down or ill, where both of my nostrils and top lip were covered in massive blisters. However they have become less aggressive and less out breaks a year.
I have a 16 year old and been with my partner for 12 years and neither has caught it. But I'm extra vigilant during an outbreak and make sure I'm extra carful. You can buy cold sore patches which are helpful. You can still date and have a sexual relationship if you carry the virus just dont have sex or kiss during an outbreak.

Cleoscats · 05/01/2020 15:51

No. Cold sores are gross. Sad

PixieDustt · 05/01/2020 15:54

If someone had one on a first date or something probably not, no.
But chances are by the time you've got to know them and they have a break out you'd feel differently. This is what happened with an ex. I just kept my distance when he had one.

whiplashy · 05/01/2020 15:55

you need to accept that some people will choose to not sleep with you because you have herpes. which is their choice. move on

Ferretyone · 05/01/2020 15:56

@Onewardsup

Please read the very sensible fact put out by @VestaTilley

MrsSquiggler · 05/01/2020 15:57

I think this is a fascinating thread op. As a society we do still have a lot of unspoken shame around sex...

I think I have genital herpes as I had one sore over a decade ago. No outbreaks since. And sti checks come up clear as I don't think they can test for it if you're not having an outbreak. I didn't tell my dh straight away as I was in denial - convinced myself that as I'd had a clean sti check I must be ok. But I did tell him in the end and I'm glad I did. He was completely unphased by it and I haven't passed it on to him.

I almost name changed before posting this but then I though, why should I? It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 16:02

In that way have I said I’m trying to force

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 05/01/2020 16:03

Actually I see where the op is coming from. If the question was “would you date someone with herpes” then I bet the responses would be very different, yet they ARE the same thing, just in different places. I have a friend who has herpes and despite what everyone has said on here every guy she’s told has had a problem with it, and it end because they can’t deal with it! She’s now at a point where she is considering not telling anyone anymore but then you can get in trouble for that!

Londongirl86 · 05/01/2020 16:04

My dad gets them bless him. I'm glad my mum stayed with him lol. People can't help these things!

AlphaNumericalSequence · 05/01/2020 16:06

I would certainly date someone who had had a coldsore, regardless of which strain and which location their sore had appeared.

All I would expect of them is that, if/when the virus became active and produced a sore, they would be taking the relevant precautions to prevent spreading the infection to me.

If they had an active sore, I would expect them to let me know about it before we kissed or had sex, but if there was no active sore I don't think I would have any right to be informed up front that they had the virus.

I can't see that it is different from dating anyone else. We can all become suddenly contagious. It doesn't make any practical difference whether the contagiousness results from a dormant virus becoming active, or from a newly contracted virus.

Charley50 · 05/01/2020 16:07

Of course! My DP gets them and has had exactly two in the 14 years we've been together.

Pjsandbaileys · 05/01/2020 16:08

Yeah its herpes but so are chicken pox and singles all the same group of viruses..... has somebody said something to you? Yes they are not attractive but I'd rather have a herpes ridden good guy than a virus free year.

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 16:18

has somebody said something to you?

The OP has another thread about having genital herpes.

Frequency · 05/01/2020 16:23

OP, speak to your doctor and counsellor. You're not going to get a lot of sensible, medically sound advice on MN. I agree with a PP who said you dodged a bullet with the online dating guy.

You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. Just refrain from sex if you're showing symptoms.

I hope you're well, OP, and being kind to yourself. Step away from MN and Dr Google, take a long, hot bath and order a takeout.

Lolacat1234 · 05/01/2020 16:30

I would never usually post something so personal OP but I can see you are hurting and I think this might help you. I was in a relationship for 7 years, and he was the only person I had ever been with in that way bar one other person when I was a teenager. We split up and he slept with someone else. Stupidly I went back a few times and it was a bit of a messy back and forth split. And I ended up contracting the virus from him. Weirdly I don't get it on my genitals but just at the base of my spine at the top of my bum. Apparently this is still classed as genital herpes as it can present anywhere a pair of boxer shorts would cover. I was devestated and saw myself as a leper same as you for many months and had counselling etc. Long story short I met the man I'm now with and have children with and it's a complete non issue, I made this huge deal out of telling him and he just brushed it off as nothing, he gets them on his lip and says he would prefer where I get them as at least you can't see and can just cover it with a plaster and get on with life! The misinformation about the herpes virus is ridiculous. 30-40 years ago no one cared, it was the American drug companies trying to sell acyclovir that turned it into this awful thing that makes you untouchable and disgusting. Ive been where you are, and my view of myself did get better with counselling etc. For me it was all mixed up emotionally with the end of my relationship and the anger at myself and him for not just ending it and being stronger. I'm sure there's an element of that in a different way for you too and that needs dealing with. Hugs to you. In answer to your question, I absolutely would date someone with herpes wherever it is because I am educated about the virus and it's transmission. I wish more people were too xx

Original poster
Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 16:35

Sorry I posted too soon, that was to the person saying move on, you can’t force someone to date you. I just wanted to be clear I’m not and I have, I dated him for a good while and have been graceful in letting it go. I will never contact him again or try to put him under any kind of pressure it’s not me! Everyone has free choice I totally understand that and would never do anything other than that.

I think I’m just worried like Pumpkin said that everyone will have an issue with this because of misinformation not practical reality and that, combined with how I got it hurts. I’d like to say those saying it’s incredibly painful, that can be orally or genitally, in my case I didn’t even know I had an outbreak, it could have been a spot, only because I was in the rounds of post rape testing was it picked up. Don’t even need to take anything, just never get one, totally asymptomatic.

I’m torn between being upfront early on, or building something over time, but that makes me feel like I will “trap” someone into feelings before telling them. Or I go around building up to caring for someone then get rejected months down the line which will hurt awfully. You’d have to make excuses around sex to bat it off for months which seems like lying. Men in their 30s + (my age range) don’t exactly expect to wait 6 months for intimacy (for example).

I don’t know, PPs are probably right, I’m not helping myself obsessing at all, it just feels like it defines my worth as a sexual partner more than the fact I’m a bloody good moralistic person (modest!).

OP posts:
MoonlightMistletoe · 05/01/2020 16:36

I've never had one and my kids dad said to me he would never be with anyone who has them because it's herpes ? I don't know much about it to be honest.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 16:38

Lolacat thank you, I’m in the same place, only had sex with a small handful of people. Hugely appreciate the evidence some people won’t care. Thank you also Mrssquiggles

frequency also correct, I need to lift my head and do something that isn’t the online mire, it’s not helping x

OP posts:
StealthMama · 05/01/2020 17:04

I think after reading this thread the title should really be would you date someone with genital herpes, op, your approach to making your point is somewhat misleading.

Hope you get the support you need.

Frequency · 05/01/2020 17:21

I’m torn between being upfront early on, or building something over time, but that makes me feel like I will “trap” someone into feelings before telling them.

Trap them with what, OP? A blister?

It's a coldspot on your fanny not leprosy. Step back a minute and think about the bigger picture. What are the complications of coldsores?

They're not life changing or life limiting, they don't require expensive, long term medication.

They're literally just mildly irritating spots that last a week or so and clear up quicker if you use cream or tablets. Most people don't even show symptoms. Any one of the posters on here could have genital herpes, including myself, and never, ever know about it.

If you don't feel comfortable telling someone, then don't. Or you could use it as a barometer for dating. If a guy doesn't want to date you even though they're otherwise attracted to you just because there is a tiny possibility they might get an itchy spot on their dick they're either thick or an asshole.

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