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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date someone who had a coldsore in the past?

438 replies

Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 12:11

YABU - no
YANBU - yes

Not talking an active one and a date right now, just someone that gets them, maybe just one coldsore (so Herpes), a year, 2 years, 5 years ago!

And yes I have another thread to those who have read it. Just wanting a poll, thanks.

OP posts:
HulksPurplePanties · 06/01/2020 09:18

it IS a different type to the one that causes genital herpes.

It is literally interchangeable. They only have a difference in what nerve cluster they prefer to live in, but are happy to jump ship to the other.

Duskyy · 06/01/2020 09:18

It's just the stigma isn't it? What we're told in school about STDs and STIs. Until we experience it or someone close to us does, it's hard just get past the fact that they have it!

If my partner caught genital herpes from a coldsore (we don't go near each other when we have them & for a long time after, it's rare but usually get them after or during a cold and tend to avoid each when we have colds) I wouldn't leave, and he's said the same. Obviously I know shit happens, people change etc but I can't imagine ever dating if he left me anyway!

Original poster
Onewardsup · 06/01/2020 09:41

Dusky you can spread the virus even if it’s not active, sooo the chances are, you both already have genital herpes and are just asympotamatic.

And it is the stigma, the stigma that an STI is from being promiscuous and somehow “dirty”. I said I wouldn’t date if ex DH ad I ever split up. Now I guess that’s true, even if I wanted to.

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 06/01/2020 09:43

How on earth would you know? Most people have had them at some point - even you, op, i bet.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 06/01/2020 09:52

I wouldn't have sex with someone who was in the midst of an active outbreak of herpes on their genitals. Otherwise it wouldn't bother me, so long as I'd been made aware and the other person was happy to use condoms. I get coldsores on my face and I'm careful not to have oral sex while I have one.

Letseatgrandma · 06/01/2020 09:53

Most people have had them at some point-even you, op, i bet.

OP has genital herpes as she states in her other thread.

She is trying to find out why people might have no problem dating someone with a cold sore but wouldn’t want to sleep with someone with genital herpes.

Duskyy · 06/01/2020 09:59

Yes, I remembered that after I clicked the post button.

All I'm saying is that if I was on the dating scene it would be unlikely that I would date somebody if they told me they have genital herpes. But since posting on here I have thought about it more and like a PP said, if they were just telling me this after getting to know them and I liked them maybe I'd have a different opinion? I don't know.

over50andfab · 06/01/2020 10:38

This is an interesting discussion. . I, and I hope other posters, are learning a lot.

To those who would date someone with oral herpes (Ie cold sores) but not genital herpes, whether HSV 1 or 2 (or does that make a difference?)

How would you feel if you gave your partner herpes on the genitals, even though you wouldn’t date someone with them? Doesn’t that make you a bit hypocritical?

CodenameVillanelle · 06/01/2020 10:43

@Letseatgrandma from that article But the woman says that her twins, who were conceived following her relations with Usher, were stillborn because she had contracted herpes from him

She got her first outbreak when pregnant.

Duskyy · 06/01/2020 10:45

It does make us a little hypocritical, I agree.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/01/2020 10:46

@Duskyy If my partner caught genital herpes from a coldsore (we don't go near each other when we have them & for a long time after, it's rare but usually get them after or during a cold

You both already have the virus so you can't 'catch' it from a cold sore. If either of you got an outbreak on the genitals it would be very rare and unlikely as the body generates anti bodies after first infection so it doesn't usually migrate, and if that happened it would be because you already have the virus - you can't be infected twice with the same virus so there is no way you could pass it to each other's genitals.

Duskyy · 06/01/2020 10:51

@CodenameVillanelle That makes sense, I didn't know that.

Well there you go then!

Miniloso · 06/01/2020 10:51

You can get genital herpes from oral sex or finger contact with someone who has cold sores, even if you there is not one visible. 60% of new genital herpes infections are caused by HSV1 the more common cold sore strain.

www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/news/20021003/more-genital-herpes-from-cold-sore-virus

More prevalent in teens, so it’s important to know IMO.

over50andfab · 06/01/2020 10:52

I have a question for the more informed:

if 2 people have the same virus strain (whether 1 or 2) and 1 has an outbreak, can it trigger blisters in the other person? Are there sub strains of each type?

It made me wonder when I was dating a guy who had one Hmm

Cheeseboardcriminal · 06/01/2020 11:21

I have always avoided oral sex during a cold sore outbreak on my face. I was completely unaware that you could pass it on when you didn't have any symptoms.

okiedokieme · 06/01/2020 11:28

As most people have had one then it would be a very narrow dating pool! I personally haven't but I had more important criteria on my dating profile like them being nice!

Letseatgrandma · 06/01/2020 11:32

To the people who aren’t bothered about dating someone with cold sores, would you be bothered about having sex with someone with genital herpes?

CodenameVillanelle · 06/01/2020 11:50

@over50andfab I don't know the answer to that but I would have thought not - although outbreaks can be triggered by trauma to the skin.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 06/01/2020 15:27

@Letseatgrandma again it wouldn't bother me as we'd use protection as I don't want to risk pregnancy either.

Letseatgrandma · 06/01/2020 15:31

@ OhWellThatsJustGreat presumably that would only work if the herpes sore was actually on eg the penis? If it was to the side, a barrier wouldn’t work?

I think a pp said it could be caught when there were no actual sores anyway, so presumably any sort of sexual activity even with a condom, your skin would be touching? Am I wrong with this bit though?

BobbyBlueCat · 06/01/2020 15:43

No.

I asked this if every single partner I've had.
As well as them being STD checked before even a kiss.
No one has ever minded.

If they knew they got them, lied and then DID get one? I'd dump them for lying.

If they genuinely didn't know they had the virus then did get one? I'd dump them. But be nice about it although honest as to my reasons.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 06/01/2020 15:45

You’re right LetsEat though:

F-M less than 4% with no protection
F-M with condom and / or suppressants less than 1% chance of transmission

This is Vs 50/50 chance your partner already has it if they’ve had more than 2 sexual partners (so most of us - stats from my clinician)

And an 80 chance if you were in that unlucky 1% of men who got it from me, you would have no idea, as you would never get a symptom.

OP posts:
Elbeagle · 06/01/2020 15:45

BobbyBlueCat if they didn’t get one until after you married, would you divorce them for it? If they didn’t realise they gone them?

Elbeagle · 06/01/2020 15:45

got

EmmaC78 · 06/01/2020 15:49

Bobbyblue - a standard STD check doesn't test for herpes though. Given the statistics for HSV1 and HSV 2 it is very likely you have already been exposed to the virus.

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