Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you date someone who had a coldsore in the past?

438 replies

Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 12:11

YABU - no
YANBU - yes

Not talking an active one and a date right now, just someone that gets them, maybe just one coldsore (so Herpes), a year, 2 years, 5 years ago!

And yes I have another thread to those who have read it. Just wanting a poll, thanks.

OP posts:
OhWellThatsJustGreat · 06/01/2020 01:23

I get them from stress, but wouldn't even think about it tbh.

1300cakes · 06/01/2020 01:55

If the question was “would you date someone with herpes” then I bet the responses would be very different, yet they ARE the same thing, just in different places.

Yes, they are the same virus. But "just in different places" is understating it. If I have to suffer any rash, I wouldn't like to have it on my genitals. Not a moral judgement, as I'd feel the same about non contagious rashes like eczema. It's a very sensitive area. I also wouldn't like to get it in my eyes. However on the rest of my face and skin, I can deal with it.

I get hsv1 (on mouth) very badly - very painfully and often so I am by no means judging anyone.

agonyauntie2020 · 06/01/2020 03:48

In your previous thread, you say you take suppressants, in this thread you say "Don’t even need to take anything, just never get one, totally asymptomatic." So which is it or have I misunderstood?

You're obviously in great psychiatric pain OP and I am sorry about that. I wish you all the best in your appointment.

sam221 · 06/01/2020 04:21

I haven't the 10 page responses but Op what would your suggest to someone like me? I was molested as a child and I get coldsores now? On my mouth area, they are painful and a reminder of something awful that happened to me. Should I now be ostracised by all?

blueluce85 · 06/01/2020 04:49

@sam221 I'm really sorry for what you have experienced. The OP is in the same boat but wanted an opinion poll. She was by no means being judgemental

fantasmasgoria1 · 06/01/2020 05:12

Yes i would and have. I have only known one person who never got coldsores and that was my ex. Everyone be it family, friends, acquaintances etc have gotten them. You would never know until one broke out would you and on the first date you are not exactly going to ask if they get coldsores are you????

Letseatgrandma · 06/01/2020 07:36

I’ve been thinking about this thread.

A lady I used to work with suffered from cold sores-she was very open about how much she hated them. When she was younger and pregnant, she had got quite a nasty crop of them and the baby was subsequently stillborn.

I presume that is pretty rare, and it was a long time ago, so hopefully the advancements in medical science mean this wouldn’t happen now though, though it has always stuck with me about how serious they could be.

Coughy4u · 06/01/2020 07:39

Might be a coincidence or neonatal herpes.

ch3y · 06/01/2020 07:48

Absolutely not

HulksPurplePanties · 06/01/2020 07:50

Just like a previous poster I HSV1 on my genitals from my Dh during oral sex (for future reference everyone, don't engage in a little hanky panky when you're both suffering from Swine Flu, it will not end well!).

Coming hot off the heels of swine flu my first and only outbreak was a little painful/irritating, but nothing to write home about. DH suffers worse from his cold sores because not only do they hurt, but they are visible and he gets embarrassed because they look so gross.

I was surprised to learn, after my gyno trip to find out what the hell was going on in my crotch, that the average STD check does not check for Herpes - 1 or 2, because it's so fucking common.

I was panicking, thinking my DH would think I'd cheated (since I didn't know, like many posters on here apparently, how easily interchangeable the 2 forms are). My gyno, was like "meh, most people have it, do you want me to give you sick leave" (she did, she actually wrote leave due to genital herpes outbreak, needless to say I did not use it, thank you stigma).

Honestly, if DH and I were to break up tomorrow I would probably never tell a future lover about it, unless asked directly. HSV1 can't be passed from genitals to genitals because it's not it's "optimal spot" and 80% of people already have it anyway.

Actually I now tell people I'm close to about it as a funny story.

dementedpixie · 06/01/2020 07:55

It is hard to test for unless you are having an outbreak, at which point they test fluid from the blisters/sores. It's hard to detect from other methods e.g. blood tests. It's not that they leave it out due to it being common but that the test is not accurate if you have no symptoms

HulksPurplePanties · 06/01/2020 08:06

It's hard to detect from other methods e.g. blood tests

It's not hard to detect, it's an antibody test. It will tell you if you do or do not have the antibodies. It can also tell you if it's HSV1 or 2. The only thing it can't tell you is when you got it, UNLESS, they do the blood test during your first outbreak and you come back clear for antibodies but have the sores, then they can say this is the first outbreak and you probably got it recently.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/01/2020 08:11

@Letseatgrandma infants aren't at risk from the mother's herpes unless she gets a first infection during pregnancy. I'm not sure why you are attributing the stillbirth to the mother having HSV1 as this would not have been the cause.

Duskyy · 06/01/2020 08:15

I would date someone who gets a coldsore (I get them and so does my partner, I never had them until I got with him) but not herpes on the genitals.

Onewardsup · 06/01/2020 08:21

Dusky can I ask, do you give or receive oral sex? Bit of a personal q sorry! Just strikes me that if you do you are ok with giving someone genital herpes but not dating someone that already has them?

I’m thinking maybe I should request that antibody test? The time I was told about them is such a whirl maybe I’m winding myself in knots and they are wrong? Thin vein of hope but maybe?

OP posts:
HulksPurplePanties · 06/01/2020 08:32

I’m thinking maybe I should request that antibody test?

Sorry OP, I should be clearer, it can tell you, but it's not very accurate for telling the difference between the 2 and can give you a false positive for HSV2.

Otherwise, it's just going to tell you you have antibodies, which you already know....

Letseatgrandma · 06/01/2020 08:36

I'm not sure why you are attributing the stillbirth to the mother having HSV1 as this would not have been the cause.

I’m not attributing it to anything; this is what my colleague had been told by the hospital after the stillbirth.

Lolacat1234 · 06/01/2020 08:39

The thing is - people who have said they would date people with cold sores on the lips but not the genitals - if you engage in oral sex you can still catch it on your genitals?? It is the SAME thing and you can spread it in either direction. Yes the two different types (1 and 2) prefer either location but they can present in both.

Inliverpool1 · 06/01/2020 08:50

The hospitals used to come out with all sorts of shite in Ye olden days like if breast milk wasn’t there immediately you couldn’t feed and that your teeth had all the calcium taken from them by the baby which made them rot etc etc

Notsure94 · 06/01/2020 08:53

My ex-husband had them and I probably wouldn't have kissed him when he had one or done anything else with body contact on that part but I didn't catch them in nearly 20 years.

Letseatgrandma · 06/01/2020 08:55

A quick google about herpes/still birth finds this

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-4911234/amp/How-herpes-cause-stillbirth-explain-Usher-s-saga.html

Maybe it was Herpes type 2 she had.

Duskyy · 06/01/2020 09:04

I understand that it can be transferred either way, but even knowing that I would still choose not to date someone who told me they had genital herpes.

I'm sorry it's just the way I feel, I can't help it.

HulksPurplePanties · 06/01/2020 09:05

I'm sorry it's just the way I feel, I can't help it.

Yeah, I felt that way too till I got genital herpes from a cold sore.

Whatsitthingy · 06/01/2020 09:14

God sake.By age 50 almost 60% of the population have the cold sore virus, it IS a different type to the one that causes genital herpes. \

Letseatgrandma · 06/01/2020 09:16

God sake.By age 50 almost 60% of the population have the cold sore virus, it IS a different type to the one that causes genital herpes.

Would you date someone with the cold sore virus? Would you have sex with someone with genital herpes?

Swipe left for the next trending thread