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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner controlling own birthday plans

132 replies

womaninblue · 05/01/2020 11:54

Name change just in case I'm recognised. My partner, D, and I have been together nearly 20 years. My partner's never been particularly interested in birthdays and I'm not someone who likes much of a fuss either, but we've always managed to do something a bit special for those big 0 birthdays.

D has a big birthday coming up in a month's time. Since last summer I've been proposing ways to celebrate and asking for ideas. I suggested booking a venue we both like and having a party with a live band that D loves. I suggested a trip to Iceland with friends to see the Northern Lights, which D's often talked about wanting to see. I suggested booking a large ski chalet and having a week's holiday with friends and family, which is also on D's bucket list. I'd done my research and found venues, hotels, chalets, activities and worked out what I could afford. I've put effort into this! Month after month I've nudged and it's been mmmmm, not sure, let me think about it, it might be nice but yes-but-no-but... to the point where I've given up. There have been no alternative suggestions.

People ask me what I've got planned and I say nothing and explain what's been going on. Some are surprised but those who know my partner well laugh about D's combination of indecisiveness and need to feel in control. This is an old pattern. If there's somewhere I really want to go or something I want to do and D does this mmm, maybe, but... number I've learned over the years to book it for myself and nine times out of ten, having done that, D decides to come too.

It's now too late to book the venue and the band but I may be able to get a ski chalet – though there's not much notice for those I would have liked to invite and so there'll probably be compromises on who can come. Or I could organise a group of maybe six people to go to Iceland. Or just dinner out with friends locally and then another dinner with family.

I feel increasingly annoyed that I've been forced into this game-playing situation yet again. There's now a month to go before the big day. Would it be reasonable of me to say to D that there is a choice of (say) three possible things and a decision needs to be made within 24 hours or it's all off and I'll just go to work that day and we'll forget about it completely?

OP posts:
Sushiroller · 05/01/2020 12:05

Give up. Honestly. Plan cool stuff for yourself and don't waste your time doing it for him.

Book a table or PDR at a restaurant and invite his friends and leave it there.

Kirstenkl · 05/01/2020 12:06

What would happen if you just booked something? Most people don't like surprises but you have 3 ideas of things he'd enjoy, so can't you just book one?

I'm not sure I'd enjoy a hostile birthday ultimatum.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/01/2020 12:19

DH is a bit like this with holidays. He is always looking for more and more options to avoid making a decision. At some point I just book things.
eg so we are agreed on South of France on 15th July for 2 weeks
Him:- what about 10 days in Spain from 5th Aug
Me:- No my colleague is off first week of Aug
Him:- Can’t you both be off
Me:- No, my holidays are booked for July
Him:- but... etc

Confrontayshunme · 05/01/2020 12:20

Maybe he likes the fuss being made more than the event itself. Just tell your local to save a few tables and tell friends drinks and chips in his honour on X date at X time. Then if he doesn't show, you can just say he's a git and still have a nice time with friends without having spent all that money. But he will show because he probably likes all the fuss.

CactusAndCacti · 05/01/2020 12:23

Just leave it, maybe he doesn't want to celebrate it.

ferrier · 05/01/2020 12:24

YABU. His birthday, his choice to do something or nothing. If he doesn't respond favourably to your suggestions then I'd assume he's not that interested in them.

Notajogger · 05/01/2020 12:26

Just leave it or book a low-key meal nearer the time

BlackCatSleeping · 05/01/2020 12:26

I’d just leave it. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe he’d rather do something spontaneous, last minute.

sirfredfredgeorge · 05/01/2020 12:31

Either you think birthdays are really important things for someone, in which case, it really means that person chooses how they celebrate the big thing or you don't think they're big things, so it doesn't matter if they celebrate it at all.

What it actually sounds like is that you care purely about what "people" think about you, because you're in a group where the only acceptable thing to a big birthday is to celebrate it in someway. That's even fine as long as you recognise this is about you, and not your DP's birthday, and you can push them into celebrating it in a certain way for your benefit, but don't get annoyed at someone for not wanting to celebrate their birthday, lots of people don't.

Bluerussian · 05/01/2020 12:32

You've done your best, just leave it. Buy him a decent gift and go out for a meal on the night, maybe with some close friends and family; he'll probably be quite happy with that, he obviously doesn't want as much fuss as you thought he would.

hipposarerad · 05/01/2020 12:33

He doesn't seem bothered, so just don't bother. It's not your responsibility to make sure a grown adult has a nice birthday, especially if they can't be arsed to engage with repeated efforts made by their partner.

I would have lost patience with the disinterest long ago.

Original poster
womaninblue · 05/01/2020 12:35

Ferrier, these things – Iceland for the Northern Lights and a skiing holiday with friend – are things he's been talking about wanting to do for years! Back last summer I also threw in the suggestion of a cruise or a trip to Mexico and he was really clear he didn't want those. I'm not trying to get him to do something he's never been interested in. I'm trying to make one of his dreams come true.

He's the kind of person who doesn't like the idea of a party or a big event and then when it happens he thoroughly enjoys it. It's as if he doesn't trust me to get it right and that's where we get stuck. I don't have a history of getting it wrong, by the way.

OP posts:
Cohle · 05/01/2020 12:36

He's not particularly interested in birthdays and obviously not that bothered about any of the suggestions you've made. You've absolutely gone above and beyond in terms of the effort you've made, I'd do nothing further. It's his own fault if that upsets him.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/01/2020 12:40

Maybe D isn't all that bothered about a party, or ski chalet, or people joining in etc.

I'm not a big one for parties either.

Why not ask D what, if anything they'd like to do. Ask them who, if anyone, they would like to bring. If D doesn't seem bothered then let it go and book a meal out for just the 2 of you instead.

It seems everyone else is more worked up about D's birthday than D is.

If family and friends want an event to go to, weekend away etc book it, invite people along and then tell D it's happening. But don't pitch it as a birthday celebration. The birthday can be celebrated at the time if appropriate but it's not specifically for the birthday.

TheDeep · 05/01/2020 12:42

It sounds as though D really isn't that bothered about a big celebration, you sound more bothered about it than D.

Mrsjayy · 05/01/2020 12:42

I would leave it go out for dinner for his birthday you will start to be a bit dog with a bone about if he wants to do something just let him decide for himself.

raspberryk · 05/01/2020 12:44

My dp failed to help me make plans for his 30th, we hadn't been together that long so I didn't know who to invite or what he would even want to so etc. So we ended up last minute booking a table at a pub restaurant and that was it, he was so last minute some people couldn't come. If I knew he wanted to do something like the northern lights and had another big birthday coming up I would have just booked it and announced it on his birthday that it was his present. I wouldn't expect him to decide or organise and I wouldn't want to have to decide if organise my own birthday I want someone to have thought about it and booked it. I helped my close friends husband plan her 30th events as a surprise and she had no clue what we were doing which is more normal than expecting her to choose in my opinion.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/01/2020 12:44

The things he's like to do, don't only have to be organised around his birthday. Iceland, skiing etc are available all year. Maybe suggest a fasmily holiday in the summer. Give people time to organise, save etc. And just go. You don't have to wait for a 0 birthday.

Original poster
womaninblue · 05/01/2020 12:45

Sirfredfredgeorge, this
What it actually sounds like is that you care purely about what "people" think about you, because you're in a group where the only acceptable thing to a big birthday is to celebrate it in someway. That's even fine as long as you recognise this is about you, and not your DP's birthday, and you can push them into celebrating it in a certain way for your benefit,

is so wrong it's laughable. I'm offering him something he's said repeatedly over years that he'd like. I'm perfectly happy with not doing anything, so long as on the day and in the weeks following he doesn't accuse me of not caring about him enough to organise something – which is something he's suggested occasionally in the past when I haven't bothered with a birthday present because he's said he doesn't want one.

Is anybody else sharing their lives with someone who says they don't really want to do anything, you're not to organise anything, they're not interested in what you're suggesting – and then seems annoyed, come the day, that you haven't organised anything?

OP posts:
SnorkMaiden81 · 05/01/2020 12:45

Maybe he just doesn't want the pressure of the big thing being all about him.

I get that.

IceCreamFace · 05/01/2020 12:45

Are you sure he actually want a big celebration for his birthday? I would just say "time's running out it's either A, or B, nothing or you book it yourself." If he likes being in control of plans he may prefer to just sort it himself anyway.

Jeezoh · 05/01/2020 12:47

You’re the one who sounds controlling to be fair, it’s his birthday and if he’s not showing an interest in your suggestions, take him at his word and let him do what he wants, even if that’s nothing. It sounds like you’re trying to shoehorn him into what you think he should want to do.

EvaHarknessRose · 05/01/2020 12:50

Just say 'I'm giving you notice right now that there aren't any birthday plans, and that's not because I don't care or haven't tried, but because you haven't responded to my ideas. Let me know if you do want to do any of them, and if there's time I'll sort them for this year, if not for next year. Plan B is a Colin the Caterpillar cake and a cup of tea'. It's ok, it's his shout. And big birthdays aren't always easy.

maddening · 05/01/2020 12:51

Just say "are you happy for me to decide and just book it" if so book Iceland.

AnnaMagnani · 05/01/2020 12:52

With DH I tend to ask him what if anything he wants. He then says nothing or he doesn't mind.

I then say, if he hasn't given me detailed instructions by x time and date he will be getting nothing and watching me enjoy myself.

So far, this has never failed to produce an answer Wink

Would this work for you?