Partner controlling own birthday plans

[womaninblue]

Name change just in case I'm recognised. My partner, D, and I have been together nearly 20 years. My partner's never been particularly interested in birthdays and I'm not someone who likes much of a fuss either, but we've always managed to do something a bit special for those big 0 birthdays.

D has a big birthday coming up in a month's time. Since last summer I've been proposing ways to celebrate and asking for ideas. I suggested booking a venue we both like and having a party with a live band that D loves. I suggested a trip to Iceland with friends to see the Northern Lights, which D's often talked about wanting to see. I suggested booking a large ski chalet and having a week's holiday with friends and family, which is also on D's bucket list. I'd done my research and found venues, hotels, chalets, activities and worked out what I could afford. I've put effort into this! Month after month I've nudged and it's been mmmmm, not sure, let me think about it, it might be nice but yes-but-no-but... to the point where I've given up. There have been no alternative suggestions.

People ask me what I've got planned and I say nothing and explain what's been going on. Some are surprised but those who know my partner well laugh about D's combination of indecisiveness and need to feel in control. This is an old pattern. If there's somewhere I really want to go or something I want to do and D does this mmm, maybe, but... number I've learned over the years to book it for myself and nine times out of ten, having done that, D decides to come too.

It's now too late to book the venue and the band but I may be able to get a ski chalet – though there's not much notice for those I would have liked to invite and so there'll probably be compromises on who can come. Or I could organise a group of maybe six people to go to Iceland. Or just dinner out with friends locally and then another dinner with family.

I feel increasingly annoyed that I've been forced into this game-playing situation yet again. There's now a month to go before the big day. Would it be reasonable of me to say to D that there is a choice of (say) three possible things and a decision needs to be made within 24 hours or it's all off and I'll just go to work that day and we'll forget about it completely?

He sounds like a child, needing to be coaxed into enjoying himself. Or worse, if he doesn't make a decision and you plan something or nothing, he then gets to be annoyed with you ans blame you for either booking the wrong thing or booking nothing.

I would stop enabling him by playing this rigmarole. Just tell him that you have made a number of suggestions and as he hasn't liked any of them, you will wait for him to tell you what he wants to do, but that he needs to accept that given the short notice, it probably won't be possible.

Were you planning to buy him a present or was the getaway the present? If the getaway was the present plan instead to get him a tangible gift.

What's he like for your birthdays?

Its his birthday, leave him alone. I would be apalled to be badgered into something and would be raging at a surprise

@ineedaholidaynow that wasn't the point of OP's AIBU. Pretty sure she knows her friends well enough to know whether they would want to go on a trip with her DH or not.

I get him a thoughtful gift and card and leave it at that.

@NoMorePoliticsPlease did you miss the bit where OP says he gets annoyed with her when she doesn't?

OP, you are bang on with the word 'control'. This is exactly what this is.

Tell him now that you aren't organising anything as he won't agree to anything so you'll leave it up to him. Don't mention it again

Why does it have to be all nothing though? All your suggestions are lavish and expensive, OP. I know they are things he has has expressed an interest in but they don't have to be for a birthday and they don't have to involve family and friends.

It is clear that people want to celebrate his birthday with him. It is clear he wants to do something, just not Iceland, or skiing, or anything major.

A dinner out with a few people he enjoys spending time with is all that is necessary. And if will cover all bases.

People are getting very annoyed and upset at a man they don't know. I assume you know him and love him, so I don't agree with people saying if he doesn't agree to something just do nothing.

I'm really surprised nobody has suggested you leave him!!!

I hope you both have a nice time celebrating his birthday. I also hope you get away somewhere, just the two of you, later in the year.

Partner controlling own birthday plans

OP, just have a read of your thread title to yourself. He wants to control his own birthday? Shock horror!

Personally I’d just back off and tell him to let you know when he’s decided what he wants. Book a nice meal out for the two of you and that’s it. If he decides he wants something bigger but it’s too late, you can always do it later - it’s perfectly possible to have a birthday celebration say, 6 months after your birthday.

If he whinges if you do nothing then that’s unfair - that’s the behaviour you need to address. Not him wanting to control his own birthday, that bit is fair enough.

Send save the save messages for a meal with family/friends. You have done all you can. How about offering to book a trip away later in the year as a gift?

I’d just book the northern lights trip but not the actual tours - let him google and plan within that week, or whatever, but you can relax that somethings booked.

Then organise a gathering in a large local pub for friends and family. Add in a buffet if you like, but ditch the live music and huge affair ideas.

@minipie i don't think him wanting to control his own birthday that is the issue. The issue is not wanting to make a decision and then getting annoyed with if she doesn't make a fuss for his birthday. That is controlling.

@womaninblue if you didn’t plan anything and let his birthday come and go, would he be upset?

I don’t understand why you’re organising a grown man’s birthday when he doesn’t seem that interested. You’re not his mum?

He’s obviously a procrastinator and that’s fine, it’s his birthday. So shelve all the plans, leave it to him. When the time comes he can book a nice meal or a last minute weekend away if he wants. Or not.

He probably won’t get annoyed if she doesn’t make a fuss, it sounds like it’s more important to OP than it is to him. Or maybe he wants to celebrate just you two, why do the options you’ve suggested both involve friends going on holiday with you (I’d hate that personally)?

I’m in this situation, on the other side. I’m indecisive and keep being asked, but also it’s not a such big thing for me that I feel the need to do something spectacular. I can’t say that one person has asked how I’m planning to celebrate either. I just want to spend some time with my husband and children, I’m not fussed other than that. Also like pp I’m a researcher so if we do go somewhere I would like time to sit down and research options myself rather than being put on the spot.

DP was like this over a big birthday. I left it and eventually he said he’d rather just go away the 4 of us and he found a holiday cottage and booked it. To be fair DS was 3 months at the time so we were up for much. Both his DBs had surprise parties arranged by their DWs so I felt a bit inadequate!

God, leave it! He doesn't want anything! Some people do not want a big lavish public song and dance over a 'big' birthday. There's nothing special about it, it's just another birthday. I'm 50. We just had a takeaway. Meh. My sister got a dog for her 50th. Each to his own.

I'm offering him something he's said repeatedly over years that he'd like.

He's obviously not that bothered. I'd leave it to him to sort it out now

We don't do anniversaries. Probably a bit weird but we're not married and we knew each other for years before we got together so there is no date to celebrate. We do lots of stuff together throughout the year, including nice restaurants and holidays alone.

He is, despite what so many people are inferring, a sociable person who loves a party and activities with friends. He's not the introverted stay-at-home type – that's more me, not him.

For my last big birthday he surprised me with a weekend sailing trip with him and friends which was great. For his last big birthday ten years ago I was already planning to go to New Zealand for a family wedding and I wanted him to come too. He dithered and couldn't decide, so I booked my tickets six months in advance, organised car hire and accommodation etc. He hmmed and hawed up until about a week before I was due to leave and then decided to come. My flights were fully-booked so he flew on his own and had to pay a lot more than I did. Once in New Zealand we had a fabulous time.

I would say something like. Can we just discuss this once and for all.

Have a default option - meal out with family and friends etc.

say you reckon 3 other options are do-able - and what you can do and details etc.

If he isnt pushed / make a decision ref any of the 3 say you are going ahead with the default option and is there anyone to include / not include in the invites.

At least something is arranged and the day is marked and he cant get into a huff that you havent organised anything.

It’s his birthday and if he doesn’t want to do anything then that’s his prerogative. It doesn’t matter that he said he wanted to do something in the past, he obviously isn’t that bothered about it now. Leave him be, he’ll either do nothing which is fine or get himself together to do something if he really wants to.

This is a side issue but I wouldn't book Iceland for the Northern Lights at the moment. I love Iceland and I follow AmazingTours Iceland on Facebook. They have had to cancel a lot of their Northern Lights viewings over the last few months, so you could end up booking it and not seeing them.

I would just book something local, and have it done with. It's exhausting me just imagining how much time you've wasted on not being able to book this trip. I don't mind organising holidays but I bloody mind not being able to do so because of someone else failing to make up their mind!

So take the hint from the NZ case and leave arrangements alone (that was different as you were going anyway). If he suddenly wants to do something when the time comes he can organise it last minute.

Just to clarify, in case it's unclear. OH loves doing group activities and these ideas of going skiing or northern-lights-watching or dog-sledding with friends are his own ideas. He goes off cycling or sailing with friends for the weekend most months. We're both older, we don't have children, we see plenty of each other and we holiday together and go out for meals together regularly, so a meal for the two of us is nothing unusual. He'd love to go to Iceland or skiing for a friend's birthday, it's just the fact that it's his birthday and I've given him a choice that's the problem.

I think I'd ask him to agree that in future we'd both organise our own birthdays. You can still buy gifts, of course, but the person with the birthday has to either sort out any trip/holiday/party they want, or not have one.

He sounds a PITA, at least as far as celebrations are concerned! Mind you, I'm married to the man who left booking our honeymoon till the day before our wedding (he had connections to a national airline at the time and we got biz flights free, so fair enough, in one way!), and we left the evening of the day after our wedding, and it's been like that ever since, so I'm not really one to talk! (Waves at traffic warden who made us out a ticket in Albermarle Street as he saw us arriving back from the Thai Tourist Board with seconds to spare, according to the meter. You are not forgotten.)

Sending hugs and commiserations to AnnaMagnani, who does indeed sound as if she's married to my partner's twin. Someone once said to me that D's indecisiveness was FOMO-related and pointed out that he's been worse since the advent of the internet and the ability to find read reviews and find hundreds of different options. I think that's got a lot to do with it. Always the worry that there could be something better round the corner.